Moms and Maids

Mom's in charge of everyone's funds??

Hi all,
am worried this will because a big issue if I do not step in  BUT this is whats up:
My parents are paying for 99% of my FI and I's wedding, we JUST found out that his parents want to give a little toward the wedding. How awesome, right?!
Welllll, I was under the impression my FI would put the money toward something HE wanted, like as an extra.  Alcohol/Band?? Something like that. BUT now my mom keeps saying SHE knows what she is going to do with the money HIS parents give toward our wedding....ummm whaaaat? My mom keeps making strong suggestions to where the money is going to go. Am i wrong to think we should have a say....or his parents???  Either way, its that much less they have to pay on something. 

Re: Mom's in charge of everyone's funds??

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd accept the money from his parents and use it to pay for something you and especially your FI would like to have, and don't discuss it with your mother.  Ignore any more comments from your mother about what "SHE knows what she is going to do with the money."  It's not up to her.
    AddieCake
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2014
    Hi all,
    am worried this will because a big issue if I do not step in  BUT this is whats up:
    My parents are paying for 99% of my FI and I's wedding, we JUST found out that his parents want to give a little toward the wedding. How awesome, right?!
    Welllll, I was under the impression my FI would put the money toward something HE wanted, like as an extra.  Alcohol/Band?? Something like that. BUT now my mom keeps saying SHE knows what she is going to do with the money HIS parents give toward our wedding....ummm whaaaat? My mom keeps making strong suggestions to where the money is going to go. Am i wrong to think we should have a say....or his parents???  Either way, its that much less they have to pay on something. 

    I suggest you and FI first see if there's something in particular his parents are interested in. Frequently grooms and their families pay for flowers. Then talk to your FI privately so you know what he wants to do. Then you alone speak to your parents and TELL them what you're going to do with YOUR (FI and you) money. Your mom is in the wrong.
    OliveOilsMom
  • Your mother is wrong. Any money your FILs contribute will be spent on what they want to spend it on, hopefully with your and your FI's input. Your mother doesn't get to spend other people's money.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    doeydo
  • agree with PPs
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • I just finished paying for 99.9% of my daughter's wedding, the groom's family chipped in what I call "pennies on the dollar".  It is very frustrating to be the one shelling out all the money and then have somebody else come along to "ice the cake" with an extra, when there are necessities that have been paid for.  I am not always a "she who pays the piper calls the tunes" kind of person, but I can see how her mom is feeling too.
  • @Lauderdale Pink.....I can see where my mom is coming from also...I know how you explained it is EXACTLY how she feels.  BUT i already ordered the invites and they say my parents name only (SINCE at the time they were paying for 100% of everything) SO now I'm worried that will be a huge issue. UGH. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think that even if one set of parents is contributing the lion's share of the funding, they don't get a say in what anyone else gets to do with their funds.  It may be frustrating, but the money in question does not belong to them.  The other parents may not have the financial or other ability to contribute more than they are.  That doesn't mean that the contribution that they do make isn't one that isn't valued by themselves or the couple as their special contribution to the wedding.
    doeydopinkshorts27
  • I am a 4 time MOB who has paid for weddings.  I paid for them because I CHOSE to.  My choice to spend a lot of money on their weddings has nothing to do with the finances of my DDs' ILs.

    OP - Your mom CHOSE to spend the money she is spending.  She didn't have to - it was your responsibility if no parents stepped up.  She has no right to decide where any of there money is going.  None.

    I absolutely disagree with Lauderdale Pink on, "It is very frustrating to be the one shelling out all the money and then have somebody else come along to "ice the cake" with an extra, when there are necessities that have been paid for."  You chose to spend that money, you didn't have to.  If the IL's decided to offer some money along they way, they also didn't have to do that - they chose to.  It is up to them where that money goes.

    FTR - the last DD gets married 3 weeks from Saturday and I am one check writing fool right now.  Not because I had to, but because I chose to and wanted to.
    pinkshorts27HisGirlFriday13Maggie0829goingon10yrs
  • @kmmssg, make no mistake, I CHOSE to pay for my daughter's wedding and would not have changed a thing.  But once I have dropped all that money, I would find it very inconsiderate for somebody to have the nerve to say, "well, it's not good enough, so I am going to add a fraction of your money to add the thing I really want". Which is the feeling that this type of "offer" gives.  At that point, the in-laws should probably say to the couple, "here is some money to get your lives started".
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @kmmssg, make no mistake, I CHOSE to pay for my daughter's wedding and would not have changed a thing.  But once I have dropped all that money, I would find it very inconsiderate for somebody to have the nerve to say, "well, it's not good enough, so I am going to add a fraction of your money to add the thing I really want". Which is the feeling that this type of "offer" gives.  At that point, the in-laws should probably say to the couple, "here is some money to get your lives started".
    Sorry, but no.  It's not your place or the place of the parents paying the majority of the costs to decide what the in-laws should do with the money.  As noted above, what if the in-laws would have liked to contribute more but can't afford to?  What in that situation gives the other parents any right to decide how much the in-laws should contribute to have a say?  Answer: Nothing.  If one set of parents can only make small contributions, it's still up to them, not anyone else, what that money gets used for, and any comments like the OP's mother's are out of line.
    KeptInStitchesHisGirlFriday13SuperSweet2014
  • Jen, the way the bride wrote the first post, it seems as though everything has been done and the groom's parents are jumping in at the last minute, hence the word "just" in all caps.  The bride's parents are the ones who have signed all the contracts, so, in the end, they really do have the right to say what goes on.  The grooms parents really cannot come in and tell the caterer that they want different alcohol or even pay for a band if the bride's parents have already signed other contracts. 
    You are correct that if people can only make a small contribution, that should be graciously accepted.  However, the intent of that contribution needs to be mentioned before planning begins and contracts are signed.  For example, if I signed a contract for a band or DJ, and left the deposit, no way am I going to get into legal wrangling or lose my deposit because money is being offered after the fact.  These are still businesses and legally binding contracts.
    flamingo61
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2014
    Jen, the way the bride wrote the first post, it seems as though everything has been done and the groom's parents are jumping in at the last minute, hence the word "just" in all caps.  The bride's parents are the ones who have signed all the contracts, so, in the end, they really do have the right to say what goes on.  The grooms parents really cannot come in and tell the caterer that they want different alcohol or even pay for a band if the bride's parents have already signed other contracts. 
    You are correct that if people can only make a small contribution, that should be graciously accepted.  However, the intent of that contribution needs to be mentioned before planning begins and contracts are signed.  For example, if I signed a contract for a band or DJ, and left the deposit, no way am I going to get into legal wrangling or lose my deposit because money is being offered after the fact.  These are still businesses and legally binding contracts.
    I disagree.  It is not up to the bride's parents what any other contributor does with their money.  If the bride's parents aren't paying for it themselves, then they need to keep their mouths shut and let whoever is handle it-regardless of what the bride's parents' contracts say, because they are not parties to contracts that anyone else signs.

    And once again, it is not up to the OP's mother to decide what anyone else's money is paying for, so she needs to shut her mouth about it.
    HisGirlFriday13pinkshorts27
  • OK, so let me get your position straight, Jen4948, let's say you have planned the wedding, left all the deposits, and signed the contracts.  Now, once everything is done, another person comes along and says, "I want a different photographer/band/bar/florist than the one you have already hired, so I am signing my own contract with that person/vendor regardless of all that is done already".  You are OK with that?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2014
    OK, so let me get your position straight, Jen4948, let's say you have planned the wedding, left all the deposits, and signed the contracts.  Now, once everything is done, another person comes along and says, "I want a different photographer/band/bar/florist than the one you have already hired, so I am signing my own contract with that person/vendor regardless of all that is done already".  You are OK with that?
    You did not get my position straight.

    If the flowers or band or whatever are already paid for by the OP's mother, then they stay and that's that.  Anyone else insisting on paying for something that competes with something else already paid for would be something I would not be okay with.

    But if, say, the OP's mother was not paying for an open bar or a photographer and her FI's parents wanted to pay for that, then that's their damn right and it's not up to the OP's mother what that money gets used for.  Her trying to make demands along those lines is something I am not okay with.
    HisGirlFriday13aleighc3
  • Jen4948 said:
    OK, so let me get your position straight, Jen4948, let's say you have planned the wedding, left all the deposits, and signed the contracts.  Now, once everything is done, another person comes along and says, "I want a different photographer/band/bar/florist than the one you have already hired, so I am signing my own contract with that person/vendor regardless of all that is done already".  You are OK with that?
    You did not get my position straight.

    If the flowers or band or whatever are already paid for by the OP's mother, then they stay and that's that.  Anyone else insisting on paying for something that competes with something else already paid for would be something I would not be okay with.

    But if, say, the OP's mother was not paying for an open bar or a photographer and her FI's parents wanted to pay for that, then that's their damn right and it's not up to the OP's mother what that money gets used for.  Her trying to make demands along those lines is something I am not okay with.
    This. If you want to pay for something that's NOT being paid for, that's your right, as long as the B&G are OK with it. 

    The fact that the MOB graciously offered to pay for things and now is getting snippy because the groom's parents want to contribute speaks badly of the MOB. 

    B&G could always have declined whatever offer POG made and said, 'Oh, no, thank you, but MOB already has this covered.'

    But what if MOB doesn't believe in drinking and so wasn't going to have a bar, but POG want a bar? Should they not be allowed to pay for that?
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    pinkshorts27
  • To both of the above, yes, in some venues, that could be tricky, especially with contracts.  If you sign a catering contract at a hotel or other venue, and this covers everything from cocktail hour to cake cutting, then the original signers are under no obligation to allow changes.  The venue/vendors have to honor the original contracts with the people who signed and left deposits, end of story. That is why it is critically important to make any financial offers (and their intended use) in the very beginning.  My daughter's in-laws sent the amount they chose to send and that was it.  My son is getting married and we were up front about how much we wanted to contribute (in the beginning of planning) and sent the check.  If I wanted a say-so in any of the decisions, I would have said so up front. 
  • To both of the above, yes, in some venues, that could be tricky, especially with contracts.  If you sign a catering contract at a hotel or other venue, and this covers everything from cocktail hour to cake cutting, then the original signers are under no obligation to allow changes.  The venue/vendors have to honor the original contracts with the people who signed and left deposits, end of story. That is why it is critically important to make any financial offers (and their intended use) in the very beginning.  My daughter's in-laws sent the amount they chose to send and that was it.  My son is getting married and we were up front about how much we wanted to contribute (in the beginning of planning) and sent the check.  If I wanted a say-so in any of the decisions, I would have said so up front. 
    OK, but that's you.

    And yes, obviously if there are contractual obligations that prohibit additions, then that's a legal obstacle the parents of the groom will be unable to surmount.

    And if you want to get that technical, fine. But OP's problem was that the POG want to contribute and MOB thinks that they're just going to write her a cheque and she's going to get to spend it.

    And that's not how this works. You don't get to spend other people's money. If the POG want to contribute to upgrading the bar, and they can't without the MOB's approval, well, then, they're SOL. But if they want to hire a band, and no one has a contract that prohibits that, then they can do that, and MOB can GTFO it.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    pinkshorts27
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Lauderdale Pink how in the world do you know that the brides parents signed the contracts? I couldn't find that anywhere. In my case, my parents are paying, we both signed all contracts where FI and I had the ability to change anything, but we had financial responsibility for any changes without parents signature. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • LOL wow ladies! 

    well, my parents signed all contracts and paid for everything already, the wedding is in a few months and NOW the POG are saying they will throw a little money at it....I have to say I wish they would have said this last year when we got engaged, but either way, my Mom doesn't get to say how that money is spent, in my opinion. AND she has not flat our said, "im spending their money" but she is dropping strong suggestions....LOL. ugh. 

    I just asked my FI if he thought it would be okay if we put it toward a honeymoon?? He is going to talk to his parents about it ASAP. BUT his parents might want it spent on the day, which is fine then we will do that. 
  • If he parents want it spent on the day, I think you and your FI should privately talk about which areas you're comfortable having them contribute to and then you both together should tell them, 'POG, we appreciate your generous offer, and here are the following areas that it could be used for, which do you want?'

    Remember, you and your FI can refuse any offer of money from his parents.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    pinkshorts27
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    LOL wow ladies! 

    well, my parents signed all contracts and paid for everything already, the wedding is in a few months and NOW the POG are saying they will throw a little money at it....I have to say I wish they would have said this last year when we got engaged, but either way, my Mom doesn't get to say how that money is spent, in my opinion. AND she has not flat our said, "im spending their money" but she is dropping strong suggestions....LOL. ugh. 

    I just asked my FI if he thought it would be okay if we put it toward a honeymoon?? He is going to talk to his parents about it ASAP. BUT his parents might want it spent on the day, which is fine then we will do that. 
    They may not have had the funds to provide when you first got engaged.  Maybe they just came into some money and wish to help out, even if it is last minute.  

    I would no longer talk to your Mom about the money being provided by your FILs.  The only people who can control how that money is spent is by the people who are actually giving the money.  Period.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    OK, so let me get your position straight, Jen4948, let's say you have planned the wedding, left all the deposits, and signed the contracts.  Now, once everything is done, another person comes along and says, "I want a different photographer/band/bar/florist than the one you have already hired, so I am signing my own contract with that person/vendor regardless of all that is done already".  You are OK with that?
    You did not get my position straight.

    If the flowers or band or whatever are already paid for by the OP's mother, then they stay and that's that.  Anyone else insisting on paying for something that competes with something else already paid for would be something I would not be okay with.

    But if, say, the OP's mother was not paying for an open bar or a photographer and her FI's parents wanted to pay for that, then that's their damn right and it's not up to the OP's mother what that money gets used for.  Her trying to make demands along those lines is something I am not okay with.
    This. If you want to pay for something that's NOT being paid for, that's your right, as long as the B&G are OK with it. 

    The fact that the MOB graciously offered to pay for things and now is getting snippy because the groom's parents want to contribute speaks badly of the MOB. 

    B&G could always have declined whatever offer POG made and said, 'Oh, no, thank you, but MOB already has this covered.'

    But what if MOB doesn't believe in drinking and so wasn't going to have a bar, but POG want a bar? Should they not be allowed to pay for that?
    As to the bolded, it kind of depends.  If the MOB was hosting the whole thing at her own home or property she actually owns, yeah, it's up to her whether drinking takes place or not, even if the POG want a bar.  But if the reception was happening at someplace neutral, if the POG or the couple want there to be a bar in those circumstances, then it really shouldn't be up to the MOB whether or not the guests drink, and as a practical matter, she probably wouldn't be able to prevent people from drinking alcohol.  She doesn't have to pay for it and obviously shouldn't be expected to drink herself, but I think it's not reasonable for her to expect everyone else to stay dry just because of her own beliefs.
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