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need opinions - FBIL's DW - 2 months after ours - we can't afford it

TeddiD34TeddiD34 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hi,

My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

I appreciate any input you can give me :)

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Re: need opinions - FBIL's DW - 2 months after ours - we can't afford it

  • TeddiD34TeddiD34 member
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    @knotporscha glitch - please delete. Thank you

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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    I disagree...we have touted many times that the bride and groom get 'one day' - not a week, not a month etc.

    How is this different?  She's upset that he has planned his wedding for 2 months after hers when she has already scheduled her vacation time/money.  On the flip side of this comment,   but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this? 
    How the heck can FSIL (OP) expect him to consult with her on when his wedding will be convenient for them?  Maybe this is the timeframe that worked for the other bride and groom best.

    Did you check with EVERYONE before scheduling your wedding? If she can't go, she can't go - no one is at fault that's just how it is.  Such is the result of destination weddings and multiple weddings within a shorter time frame.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    How does your FI feel about this? 

    Yes, he should have maybe checked with you and your FI. Is your FI expected to be in the wedding? 
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  • TeddiD34TeddiD34 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Actually, FBIL hasn't even told FI himself. We both heard it from their dad, and then saw it announced on fb (oh, good ol' fb strikes again).

    So, I guess we have no idea if FI is going to be in this wedding. 

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  • TeddiD34TeddiD34 member
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    edited May 2014

    Because, we are always told to consult VIPS prior to making these sort of plans. It's fine that he didn't, and I shouldn't have worded it that way, but it's a bit of a kerfuffle now.

    We made sure FBIL would be available for our wedding prior to booking anything. 

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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Ditto Lynda ' s response exactly. This isn't a cousin or a friend from college. It's an immediate family member. We didn't check with everyone before booking our wedding but we definitely cleared it with VIPs and didn't plan an event that required travel of most VIPs.

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    banana468 said:
    Ditto Lynda ' s response exactly. This isn't a cousin or a friend from college. It's an immediate family member. We didn't check with everyone before booking our wedding but we definitely cleared it with VIPs and didn't plan an event that required travel of most VIPs.
    I agree with the rest of the PPs.  Yes, we tell Brides that they only get one day, but we also tell them to check with their VIPs- which usually would include your own brother and his new wife- before picking a date.

    This clusterfuck is on OP's FBIL and since he couldn't be bothered to speak to his own brother in person, I would not reschedule my honeymoon to accommodate his wedding, even if he asks your FI to be in the wedding.  You and FI should politely, regretfully decline to attend.

    If he really wants his brother to be there and be in the wedding, he might reconsider his poor date choice.

    And as HisGirl mentioned, there is also a strong possibility that other shared family members and friends won't be able to make a December DW, for a variety of reasons.  I'm also getting married this October and taking our honeymoon, and I know I sure as hell couldn't afford to travel to anyone's wedding in December; I won't have the vacation time or money, and Christmas will be my priority for disposable income at that point.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    HisGirlFriday13 said:

    Actually, FBIL hasn't even told FI himself. We both heard it from their dad, and then saw it announced on fb (oh, good ol' fb strikes again).

    So, I guess we have no idea if FI is going to be in this wedding. 

    In that case, don't worry about it. If he can't be bothered to tell you in person, he clearly isn't really concerned with your attendance.
    Ditto this exactly. 
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  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    What is with people picking a date before they have a venue? I don't get it. Sure you can say "I'd like to have our wedding on this date" but you can't possibly know that any resort has it available.
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree with HGF- if the FBIL can't clear it with you, you are not obligated to go. In fact, this may all be hearsay and they may move it again. They still have not invited you, or even asked you to save the date, so do not change your holiday plans.

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  • TeddiD34TeddiD34 member
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    This is all awesome to hear. Thanks so much, everyone, for easing my mind on this one :)

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  • phiraphira member
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    Just think about it this way: You can't go. That date and location does not work for you because you cannot take more time off work and you don't have enough money. You can't go.

    So, you're not a bad person for not being able to go. You just can't go.

    I do think he should have cleared the date with siblings (and I totally agree--you don't have a wedding date until you have a venue booked!). And I agree--nothing official has been sent to you, so as far as I'm concerned, it's not even a thing that's happening yet.
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  • jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
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    I agree with everyone else. They should have checked with the VIPs. Since they didn't they are going to have to accept that not everyone will be able to attend. I couldn't imagine picking a wedding date without making sure it was ok for my sister and FBIL.
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  • doeydodoeydo member
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    edited May 2014
    TeddiD34 said:

    Because, we are always told to consult VIPS prior to making these sort of plans. It's fine that he didn't, and I shouldn't have worded it that way, but it's a bit of a kerfuffle now.

    We made sure FBIL would be available for our wedding prior to booking anything. 

    Sorry, but maybe you and your FI aren't VIPs to them.  Is your FI really close to his brother?  Maybe it is a private wedding and you might not even be invited, seeing as how you heard through the grapevine and on FB about their wedding.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    edited May 2014
    jdluvr06 said:
    I agree with everyone else. They should have checked with the VIPs. Since they didn't they are going to have to accept that not everyone will be able to attend. I couldn't imagine picking a wedding date without making sure it was ok for my sister and FBIL.
    I will add As a guest,  DW are expensive and often need time off of work to attend.  Planning your own wedding is expensive and you also may need time off of work. 

     It stands to reason a sibling getting married might be using all their time and money for their own wedding and might not be able to attend an event that also requires time and money only a few months later.    Let alone December which is often an expensive month on it's own.

    It's simple logic.  I guess if you are not close to your sibling you would not care.  However, I would care if I was planning a DW.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • luckysnorkelluckysnorkel member
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    I agree with everyone else.  FI and I were originally thinking about getting married this past March, but once we checked with my brother and his sister and neither of them would have been able to get the time off work, we scrapped that idea and found a date this summer that worked for all close family members.

    If it's at all important to your FBIL that you and FI are there, he needs to move the date.  It's his own fault he didn't do his due diligence.
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  • annathy03annathy03 member
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    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.
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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    We actually didn't ask a single person whether they were free on our wedding date.  In retrospect, oops I guess?  Only one family (who we're not over-fond of in the first place) said they couldn't make it when we sent the save the date out, they are going on a cruise.

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    stupid knot






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    stupid knot






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    grumbledore said:
    We actually didn't ask a single person whether they were free on our wedding date.  In retrospect, oops I guess?  Only one family (who we're not over-fond of in the first place) said they couldn't make it when we sent the save the date out, they are going on a cruise.


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    For us it more that we were mindful of what was going on in our immediate family's lives..   We got married OOT for everyone the first week school started for some of their kids.  We asked my siblings if they would be okay to take their kids out of school for a few days.  No one else had any commitments like getting married, being pregnant, in the middle of college finals, stuff like that.  Had we planned say a June wedding I would have talked to my SIL who was in college at the time if any dates interfered with finals or graduation.    

    I think there is a difference in asking and just being mindful of possible commitments with immediate family.  I.E.  college aged siblings may have finals end of May or early-Dec.  New lawyer grad may have to take the Bar in a certain month.  Sibling already has wedding booked in Oct when you are looking at DW a few months later.  Your FFIL is a tax account and you want a DW the first week of April. Your FBIL is a football player and can't get off in the fall.  Stuff like that.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • SapphireCounselorSapphireCounselor member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    LDay2014 said:
    I disagree...we have touted many times that the bride and groom get 'one day' - not a week, not a month etc.

    How is this different?  She's upset that he has planned his wedding for 2 months after hers when she has already scheduled her vacation time/money.  On the flip side of this comment,   but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this? 
    How the heck can FSIL (OP) expect him to consult with her on when his wedding will be convenient for them?  Maybe this is the timeframe that worked for the other bride and groom best.

    Did you check with EVERYONE before scheduling your wedding? If she can't go, she can't go - no one is at fault that's just how it is.  Such is the result of destination weddings and multiple weddings within a shorter time frame.

    Not everyone, but I would check with my SISTER. Then again maybe they are not close.
    This. Check with everyone? No. But I damn sure checked with my family.
    My brother and I are close enough that I would never set a date without consulting him. (Not everyone, but he is in the select  group I would call and run the date by). But if I had, and the date didn't work, I would be willing to reschedule for him if it was early enough in the process that I logistically could. again, not for everyone, but he is that select group of VIP's for me.

    Unless they aren't that close, the B&G just put the OP in a really tough position. However now all the OP can do is decide whether or not to attend.
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