money talk with parents?

mschristie123

Would/did you tell your parents how much money you received for your wedding?

FI and I have been talking a lot about this as our wedding is getting closer. Many people that are coming to our wedding are friends/colleagues of my parents, and I know that they will be curious about cash gifts. I understand that some of them wanting to know will be to give appropriate gifts to other friends' kids' weddings in the future. However, I don't think that I want to share any details about monetary gifts that we receive to my parents.

My parents and I have had a very open (probably too open) relationship when it comes to money (they supported me throughout grad school, we have had joined bank accounts in the past). I think starting our new life as husband and wife, it's time to put some boundaries in place. On top of that, my parents are wonderfully sweet people, but they've also been known to hold a grudge or two. I don't want to get into a situation where they are judging the amount of money one of their friends gives us. So my gut is to say no, and just deal with my parents' reactions when we get to that point.

smalfrie19

What people give you is between you and them. What if someone is going through a hard time and can only afford to give you a small sum? Why is that your parent's business. Its not. So just tell them that you are no longer comfortable discussing your finances with them.

JCbride2015

Yep, boundaries.  I try to avoid talking money with either of my parents, although for different reasons.  I think marriage is a good excuse to draw better boundaries if you didn't have them before.

KatWAG

I would never tell my parents how much someone gave us as a wedding gift (or the grand total or cash we received.) But they would never ask either.

SapphireCounselor

mschristie123 said:

Would/did you tell your parents how much money you received for your wedding?

FI and I have been talking a lot about this as our wedding is getting closer. Many people that are coming to our wedding are friends/colleagues of my parents, and I know that they will be curious about cash gifts. I understand that some of them wanting to know will be to give appropriate gifts to other friends' kids' weddings in the future. However, I don't think that I want to share any details about monetary gifts that we receive to my parents.

My parents and I have had a very open (probably too open) relationship when it comes to money (they supported me throughout grad school, we have had joined bank accounts in the past). I think starting our new life as husband and wife, it's time to put some boundaries in place. On top of that, my parents are wonderfully sweet people, but they've also been known to hold a grudge or two. I don't want to get into a situation where they are judging the amount of money one of their friends gives us. So my gut is to say no, and just deal with my parents' reactions when we get to that point.

I wouldn't share this information with anyone. These gifts are between you and the guests who gave them.

ShallowSeas

I would definitely not share any information with your parents. First of all, its none of their business. Like PPs have said, its between you and your guests. Second, its rude to your guests to disclose the amount they gave you.

JennyColada

I think part of growing up is cutting certain ties with your parents.

Now is a great time to move into that portion of your life.

pinkcow13

Personally, I would not tell my parents. As PP's mentioned, it is rude to the guests. I would hate to find out that my friend told their parents the exact monetary amount I gave. I also would not tell them the total amount.

I don't know if FI would not tell his mom, though, as he has been more open about what our wedding costs. I would hope that he has the tact to not disclose such information about our guests. 

mschristie123

Thanks ladies! You are all definitely saying what I have been thinking for the past few weeks. My parents make it really difficult to set boundaries, but I know that it's important to my FI to have our fiances private and separate from them. I guess I'm just dreading having to set new rules with them, because they probably won't react very well.

lyndausvi

  MIL knew how much her then-boyfriend gave us (over $1k).  She also knew how much cash (not checks, only cash) we got.  That was mostly because we were flying out of the country for 2.5 weeks the very next day and had no need for actual US currency.  Being OOT there was no local bank branch.   Instead of someone having to secure the money until we got back from overseas, we gave MIL the cash to deposit in our account on Monday.  We wrote up the deposit slip and all.   

She doesn't know WHO gave us what, just knew the total in cash.    

My sister held onto the envelope of checks because we were returning to her house before heading back to the islands.  I guess in theory she could have gone through the envelope, but I doubt she did.

grumbledore

Your gut is right. Don't disclose the amount of the gifts you receive to anyone.

MairePoppy

You're right. This is between you and the gift giver.

I didn't ask my daughter, and she disclose any information about the cash gifts she received when she was married. I think it would be rude to do so.

In the old days, when I was married, my mother convinced me that she was entitled to that information because my parents paid for my wedding. Her reasoning was that she wanted to make sure she reciprocated the correct amount for future weddings and she also wanted to know if we made a profit off our wedding. My mom, normally a perfectly nice lady, was a MOBzilla. 

HisGirlFriday13

DH's grandmother wanted a detailed list of who gave us how much money (and what other gifts.)

He refused to tell her. My parents know in general what we got (they've visited our house and have commented on, 'Oh that's a nice wine decanter' and I'll say, 'Oh, that was a gift from so-and-so.), but they don't know the amount of cash gifts or cheques or money. They would never ask, but I wouldn't tell them if they did.

JMalettas

HisGirlFriday13 said:

DH's grandmother wanted a detailed list of who gave us how much money (and what other gifts.) He refused to tell her. My parents know in general what we got (they've visited our house and have commented on, 'Oh that's a nice wine decanter' and I'll say, 'Oh, that was a gift from so-and-so.), but they don't know the amount of cash gifts or cheques or money. They would never ask, but I wouldn't tell them if they did.

@HisGirlFriday13 - I couldn't imagine anyone demanding to know who gave what, and how much! I'm glad your H refused to tell her! Was there any reason she wanted to know so bad?? It just boggles me! :S

 I agree, that separating finances is a good idea. We also had a couple of things, (post wedding), that we needed to separate as well. I think most parents would be fairly understanding of this. Especially now that you're married. Your finances are between you & your H, and not your parents anymore. The same, as I'm sure, their parents aren't in charge of theirs. 

 We also went on our HM first thing Monday morning, after the wedding. We didn't have time to do a bank deposit, so we had the money in a safe at my MIL's house. I'm pretty sure we never disclosed the exact amount to her though. I'm not even quite sure if anyone even asked the exact amount. We had a couple of people asking if we did "well" though. I just find it odd for anyone to ask. 

 Side Note: TheKnot's being all kinds of weird today. It's not separating my paragraphs. Or it didn't in my last post. I have that issue from my iPad, but not usually from my computer. Weird!

 *J

 

HisGirlFriday13

JMalettas said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

DH's grandmother wanted a detailed list of who gave us how much money (and what other gifts.)

He refused to tell her. My parents know in general what we got (they've visited our house and have commented on, 'Oh that's a nice wine decanter' and I'll say, 'Oh, that was a gift from so-and-so.), but they don't know the amount of cash gifts or cheques or money. They would never ask, but I wouldn't tell them if they did.

@HisGirlFriday13 - I couldn't imagine anyone demanding to know who gave what, and how much! I'm glad your H refused to tell her! Was there any reason she wanted to know so bad?? It just boggles me! :S

 I agree, that separating finances is a good idea. We also had a couple of things, (post wedding), that we needed to separate as well. I think most parents would be fairly understanding of this. Especially now that you're married. Your finances are between you & your H, and not your parents anymore. The same, as I'm sure, their parents aren't in charge of theirs. 

 We also went on our HM first thing Monday morning, after the wedding. We didn't have time to do a bank deposit, so we had the money in a safe at my MIL's house. I'm pretty sure we never disclosed the exact amount to her though. I'm not even quite sure if anyone even asked the exact amount. We had a couple of people asking if we did "well" though. I just find it odd for anyone to ask. 

 Side Note: TheKnot's being all kinds of weird today. It's not separating my paragraphs. Or it didn't in my last post. I have that issue from my iPad, but not usually from my computer. Weird!

 *J

 

Because she is a meddlesome old pain in my ass woman. And because she is nosy. And because she wants to gossip.

DH at this point honestly doesn't remember who gave us what, nor does he care all that much. Except for my friends who bought our bar set and pint glasses. THOSE he remembers.

Sugargirl1019

I would never tell who gave what amount. I agree that it is between you and the gift giver.

The amount of money that FI and I receive as a whole, however, we will probably share with my mother because she is helping us in financial boot camp getting our finances in line to buy our first house.

She would never be jealous about how much or little cash gift we receive. I feel that we will share with her even though most people are all secretive about how much they get and what they do with it She has amazing experience with finances, is secure with her own, and has gotten me in a great place so far and I trust her to help us in the future.

Now, FI's mom.. Hell no. She will rant and yell and judge us about why did we get that much or little and try to get us to share with her. She's awful. She'll say "well I never got that much at my wedding. " or "I got much more than you at mine. " she's just that kind of person. When FI booked our honeymoon and we told her, she yelled and complained that she didn't take a honeymoon up to scale as ours, so why should we get to? Jealousy. She is the green eyed monster in law.

CMGragain

In the old days, gifts were displayed on long tables at the reception, so everyone could see the loot the couple raked in!  Checks were to be displayed in an envelope with the name of the giver and the word "check" or "cheque", and no amount shown.
I used to cringe at this custom, and I am glad it has gone out of fashion.




'

beharrington

I'm fairly certain I told my parents the total amount we made but we are very open with them about our finances.  I even offered to sign the large check from MIL over to them since she had promised them money and never paid up (they didn't accept).

I did not tell them the exact amount each person gave us (with the exception of MIL) and they wouldn't have asked.

I think it depends on the relationship.  We flat out refused to share that information with MIL for the same reasons as HisGirl.

wandajune6

I'll follow my sister's lead on this. She didn't tell my parents anything- with the exception of a surprisingly large gift. When my aunt and uncle gave them a huge check a few weeks before the wedding, my sister told my parents. It was just too significant for her not to tell them. Then again, that's the dynamic of our family.

(I got the same gift for finishing grad school instead of a wedding. They said something that made me incredibly proud: for my sis, getting married was the big accomplishment. For me, getting an amazing education and starting a fabulous new career is the big accomplishment. They knew I'd get married someday (I was single) but it would be a compliment to my already amazing life. It was one of the kindest things I'd heard- and well needed by twin who was always seen as "behind!")