The "Catholic Gap"

Inkdancer

bananasplit472001 said:

This is actually something that I think differs from each parish.  The availability of the priest is usually a major issue and they do lock you in to a certain time.  For example my church has mass at 12 and 5 on Saturdays.  You can get married before church at 10am or after church at 2pm.  Those are the only times the priest will perform a wedding mass at my specific church. Obviously they do have friday night and sunday afternoon openings as well.  Sometimes brides that want a traditional catholic mass need to work within the guidelines of the church.  However, I do not think it's ok to start a wedding several hours later just because you want a night wedding.  I wanted a night wedding but the only ceremony time I could get was 12:30 on a sunday (non-catholic) so I needed my cocktail hour to start no later than 2pm.  The other issue here is so many venues want to 2 weddings a day and will absolutely NOT start their second wedding earlier than 5pm or 6pm for cocktail hour because they need to set-up.  I ran into this issue after I booked my ceremony venue and had to really search for a venue to move their cocktail hour to when I wanted it.  I had to find a non-traditional catering hall to do this.  So I really can understand this "catholic gap" if it is mandated by the church or the catering hall.  The church and the reception venues do not care if you are being rude to guests.  I just wanted to put that out there from a different perspective that sometimes a gap really is unavoidable. 

A gap is never unavoidable.

I do understand that it is often very important to the couple to be married in their church, and if the priest will only perform a wedding at 10:30 or 2, then your ceremony is either at 10:30 or 2.

After that has been decided, you go shopping for a reception location. Catering hall only does noon and 6 pm? Okay, 10:30 wedding, over at 11:30, half hour for travel, cocktail hour starts at noon. Bam. Done.

Priest only does weddings at 2 pm? Okay, great! 2-3 is mass, 3:30-4:30 is cocktail hour, entrance with toasts and spotlight dances at 4:30, dinner at 5. DONE. Sure, maybe you can't have this at the "dream catering hall" that you wanted. But you have to prioritize: is it more important to be married in your church, by your priest? Or is it more important to have a party in that specific location on a Saturday night? Because you only get one.

Dottie05

Unfortunately, I am having a gap between my ceremony and reception.

Before being on TK, I was never aware that this was a "thing". To me, it was just how it was always done. Ahhh... Ignorance was bliss!

When we spoke with our priest he told us our wedding could not start at any time past 1 p.m and because we are using the adjoining school gymnasium (also called the Parish Center) our reception could not start before 6. There is a 4 o'clock Mass and the parking lot needs to be available for parishioners.

I do feel terrible that anyone may feel that way. Ugh!

singinchick13

How do your guests make it all the way through these weddings? Like, do they actually stay and dance at night or do they leave right after dinner? I think I would be sooo tired from getting ready for the ceremony, waiting around, and eating and drinking I would likely be halfway out the door by 9pm. Not to mention the bride and groom, who evidently spent much longer preparing than the guests. My FI would need to take a nap during the pictures, lol. 

PrettyGirlLost

flantastic said:

CMGragain said:

This is a common practice in some areas, but that doesn't make it polite or acceptable.
The ceremony is the focus of any wedding, whether it is a full mass or a simple courthouse paper signing ceremony.  The Catholic Church is not usually flexible with the times when weddings are permitted, and Catholic weddings MUST be held in the Catholic church.
The reception for a wedding should start within half an hour of the ceremony end.  This means that some brides need to plan an afternoon reception that may extend into the evening.
Some brides have their hearts set on certain venues, and evening dinner receptions.  This isn't always possible if your church will only allow marriage ceremonies at ten o'clock in the morning.  This is why there is a gap.
No, it is not polite to plan a gap.  No excuses.

saacjw said:

I have been to so many of these "Catholic Gap" weddings and am going to yet another in June. For every single one, I have been an out of town guest, but not from so far away that I get a hotel, so couldn't just go home to chill or freshen up, as is the usual excuse/expectation. Which means that I am in heels, makeup, and often fancy suck in all the fat panties waiting around for a few hours. One gap was so bad that we went and did all of our Christmas shopping. For every other gap- if I don't have to drive, I am usually tipsy and hangry (angry because of hunger) by cocktail hour because the only place for us to go is the bar. Gaps suck and are unnecessary. 

I am Catholic, will be having a Catholic wedding (by desire), and I almost "had" to have a huge gap.

Every single Catholic wedding I have attended (which is all but one), family or friend, from childhood to this past March, has had a gap. I'm attending one this June which is at 9 AM - the available timeslot at a popular church - and has an evening reception. This idea is so ingrained in FI, my whole family, and FILs, that a morning or early afternoon wedding (pre Saturday evening vigil Mass) followed by an evening reception is just "how things are done" if you want to have a nice (read: formal) wedding. No one can get on my level with this, because when it's all you've ever known it has basically become impossible to convince them that there's an adequate reason to do something else. Maybe it's even, "by golly, I had to deal with everyone else's gap, so they'll deal with mine."

Anyway, because a) even FI doesn't get it and b) we're not paying for the entirety of the wedding, I basically got my concerns dismissed. "No one will mind, they know that's how it goes." Well, the second half of that statement is probably true. The church in which I grew up does not have weddings start later than 2 PM, but "we'll plan an evening reception because duh, that's so much nicer, and that will be that." It's absurd, but no one but me believes that.

Here's where I luck out. Church, hotel, reception venue are all within 5 minutes or so of one another, one convenience that I could make happen. FI and I happen both to be Notre Dame grads, and there will be a Notre Dame football game (huge deal at ND) starting about 15 minutes after our Mass will end. While the entire guest list might not be interested in watching the game, many (including the B&G) will be. I managed to convince everyone that we needed to get a space at the hotel where we could host a gamewatch with food and seats. That way, those who would be spending their gap time watching can do so; I can mingle with guests in a wide swath of time where conversation is possible; and if someone wants to go back to their hotel room to nap instead, hopefully that is easy for them. It's not ideal, but I am doing my best to "host the gap" because I couldn't really convince everyone not to have one.

It does irritate me because as @CMGragain pointed out, everyone will think the gap was my "vision" anyway.

This sounds like a personal Hell to me.  I hate, hate, HATE college football and gaps, and if yours is long enough that people can watch an entire football game that is far too long. 

If I was an OOT guest and saw this timeline on the invitation I'd decline.  I am not a fan of sitting around for hours on end in nice clothes, just literally watching my life waste away while waiting for your reception to start.  And if I whave to wait so long that I need to go out and have a meal, well then you just wasted money on my plate at the reception.

There is absolutely zero reason that I would need to go "freshen up" after a wedding ceremony, unless you are having your ceremony at SeaWorld during one of Shamu's performances and we are all sitting in the Splash Zone.

vmj23

As a guest gaps have never bothered me, but the one's I have been to where local weddings with only a short gap, so i could easily go back home or stop somewhere to kill time. I definitly agree they can be avoided.  We are having  a Catholic ceremony but planned a Friday evening wedding, so the church was flexible on the time  - since they had no mass going on and it's a holiday weekend so their school isn't in session, he let us start whenever we wanted. 

lyndausvi

singinchick13 said:

How do your guests make it all the way through these weddings? Like, do they actually stay and dance at night or do they leave right after dinner? I think I would be sooo tired from getting ready for the ceremony, waiting around, and eating and drinking I would likely be halfway out the door by 9pm. Not to mention the bride and groom, who evidently spent much longer preparing than the guests. My FI would need to take a nap during the pictures, lol. 

So far I've been to 2 gap weddings.

Gap 1 - worked in my favor.  I had another wedding that same day.  First wedding was a 10:30-11?  With a noon reception.     Second wedding was a 2pm with a 6pm reception.  So what did I do?  Yep, went to first wedding and reception.  Then went to second reception.   I had a blast.  Party all till the end.  Was tired the next day though, which sucked because I had to drive 8 hours home. 

Gap 2 -   2pm wedding 6 pm reception.  I was in the wedding.  What did I do during the gap?  Well, let me tell you.  After pictures the MOB ORDERED the WP members, ORDERED us to setup the reception.  In our velvet dresses (in April, in AZ BTW) we moved tables, chairs, setup the tables, blah, blah.        So in a way I was occupied during the gap.   Then my dad (who had to setup the bar because the MOB had the bartender arrived 15 mins AFTER the reception was to start) started making us drinks.    Pretty sure I got drunk after that.   I partied till the end.

My next gap wedding is in the fall.  We shall see what happens.  DH is the wedding,  Pretty much everyone else I know is also in the WP.  OOT at that.  It should be interesting.

tcnoble

lyndausvi said:

singinchick13 said:

How do your guests make it all the way through these weddings? Like, do they actually stay and dance at night or do they leave right after dinner? I think I would be sooo tired from getting ready for the ceremony, waiting around, and eating and drinking I would likely be halfway out the door by 9pm. Not to mention the bride and groom, who evidently spent much longer preparing than the guests. My FI would need to take a nap during the pictures, lol. 

So far I've been to 2 gap weddings.

Gap 1 - worked in my favor.  I had another wedding that same day.  First wedding was a 10:30-11?  With a noon reception.     Second wedding was a 2pm with a 6pm reception.  So what did I do?  Yep, went to first wedding and reception.  Then went to second reception.   I had a blast.  Party all till the end.  Was tired the next day though, which sucked because I had to drive 8 hours home. 

Gap 2 -   2pm wedding 6 pm reception.  I was in the wedding.  What did I do during the gap?  Well, let me tell you.  After pictures the MOB ORDERED the WP members, ORDERED us to setup the reception.  In our velvet dresses (in April, in AZ BTW) we moved tables, chairs, setup the tables, blah, blah.        So in a way I was occupied during the gap.   Then my dad (who had to setup the bar because the MOB had the bartender arrived 15 mins AFTER the reception was to start) started making us drinks.    Pretty sure I got drunk after that.   I partied till the end.

My next gap wedding is in the fall.  We shall see what happens.  DH is the wedding,  Pretty much everyone else I know is also in the WP.  OOT at that.  It should be interesting.

I'm in a wedding this summer with a 2.5 hour gap - it's an OOT wedding, FI is coming, and knows NOBODY else. Let's just say I already feel horrible dragging him along. 

itslizzyC

I've been to so many Catholic weddings over the past few years it's crazy! We have 7 to attend this year alone! Now every wedding but one had a gap. A lot of guests overlapped between all these weddings and everyone complained that there wasn't a gap! So I was originally planning on having one, since you know that's what I was supposed to do. (Even the church wedding coordinator thinks it's the norm) But, I'm so thankful I found these boards and realized it's not okay! At least for me it wasn't that hard for me to move cocktail hour up a bit- AND we still have a wedding that lasts until 10pm! Woohoo!

bananasplit472001

Inkdancer said:

bananasplit472001 said:

This is actually something that I think differs from each parish.  The availability of the priest is usually a major issue and they do lock you in to a certain time.  For example my church has mass at 12 and 5 on Saturdays.  You can get married before church at 10am or after church at 2pm.  Those are the only times the priest will perform a wedding mass at my specific church. Obviously they do have friday night and sunday afternoon openings as well.  Sometimes brides that want a traditional catholic mass need to work within the guidelines of the church.  However, I do not think it's ok to start a wedding several hours later just because you want a night wedding.  I wanted a night wedding but the only ceremony time I could get was 12:30 on a sunday (non-catholic) so I needed my cocktail hour to start no later than 2pm.  The other issue here is so many venues want to 2 weddings a day and will absolutely NOT start their second wedding earlier than 5pm or 6pm for cocktail hour because they need to set-up.  I ran into this issue after I booked my ceremony venue and had to really search for a venue to move their cocktail hour to when I wanted it.  I had to find a non-traditional catering hall to do this.  So I really can understand this "catholic gap" if it is mandated by the church or the catering hall.  The church and the reception venues do not care if you are being rude to guests.  I just wanted to put that out there from a different perspective that sometimes a gap really is unavoidable. 

A gap is never unavoidable.

I do understand that it is often very important to the couple to be married in their church, and if the priest will only perform a wedding at 10:30 or 2, then your ceremony is either at 10:30 or 2.

After that has been decided, you go shopping for a reception location. Catering hall only does noon and 6 pm? Okay, 10:30 wedding, over at 11:30, half hour for travel, cocktail hour starts at noon. Bam. Done.

Priest only does weddings at 2 pm? Okay, great! 2-3 is mass, 3:30-4:30 is cocktail hour, entrance with toasts and spotlight dances at 4:30, dinner at 5. DONE. Sure, maybe you can't have this at the "dream catering hall" that you wanted. But you have to prioritize: is it more important to be married in your church, by your priest? Or is it more important to have a party in that specific location on a Saturday night? Because you only get one.

I sacrificed my saturday night wedding due to this so I completely understand.  As someone who sacrificed what I wanted for what was proper etiquette I gave a different perspective on the "unavoidable" things that can happen when planning a wedding.  People will not say they can only pick one or the other because, guess what, it is their day and if people want to celebrate with them then they have to go by the bride and grooms rules.  We are so focused on etiquette that we forget that there are certain religious and cultural restrictions that negate or differ from etiquette rules.  Also there are restrictions from the venues as I stated in the above post.  Not every wedding is going to be cookie cutter and follow the same rules.  In my opinion religious ceremonies take precedent over etiquette.  I say this as a non-religious person who is following etiquette.  Just because I am following etiquette at my wedding, does not mean I expect someone else who chooses to have a religious wedding to follow etiquette in sacrifice of their religion.  

Also catering halls book up and when you book your ceremony space first you are locked into a time.  As I stated before catering halls have strict times when they host weddings.  If the morning time slot is not available on the day you want to get married or even the year but the afternoon timeslot is your pick the afternoon timeslot.  You don't sacrifice getting married for several months or a year because of etiquette.  This entire thread is silly because yes there are circumstances where a gap is unavoidable.  Just because everyone wants to get on the same team and harp on those who are not following etiquette because they are afraid to say something out of turn.   

thisismynickname2

flantastic said:

The only reason I posted it now is to illustrate that the prevalence of this damn "Catholic gap" created this issue, and probably (unfortunately) also ultimately factored into my decision to let it go.

@flantastic If I was your guest, I'd appreciate that you are hosting through the gap. I'd probably be that person going back to the hotel to freshen up, as I'm not into football, but it's an option that probably works for a lot of people.  

I'm speaking as a person who's lived through plenty of unhosted gaps, so, kudos for trying, as it's more than most people do.    

PrettyGirlLost

thisismynickname said:

flantastic said:

The only reason I posted it now is to illustrate that the prevalence of this damn "Catholic gap" created this issue, and probably (unfortunately) also ultimately factored into my decision to let it go.

@flantastic If I was your guest, I'd appreciate that you are hosting through the gap. I'd probably be that person going back to the hotel to freshen up, as I'm not into football, but it's an option that probably works for a lot of people.  

I'm speaking as a person who's lived through plenty of unhosted gaps, so, kudos for trying, as it's more than most people do.    

I forgot to mention this in my post- Yes, absolutely good on ya for hosting during the gap!  It would still be total hell for me though, lol.

twitterbird

Not a Catholic gap but I know people who are having their ceremony and reception at the same location - local golf course clubhouse. The venue insists on a 3 hour gap between the end of the ceremony and beginning of the reception.  Its apparently in the contract you sign. I don't know why people would book for both under that circumstance.

NYCBruin

bananasplit472001 said:

Inkdancer said:

bananasplit472001 said:

This is actually something that I think differs from each parish.  The availability of the priest is usually a major issue and they do lock you in to a certain time.  For example my church has mass at 12 and 5 on Saturdays.  You can get married before church at 10am or after church at 2pm.  Those are the only times the priest will perform a wedding mass at my specific church. Obviously they do have friday night and sunday afternoon openings as well.  Sometimes brides that want a traditional catholic mass need to work within the guidelines of the church.  However, I do not think it's ok to start a wedding several hours later just because you want a night wedding.  I wanted a night wedding but the only ceremony time I could get was 12:30 on a sunday (non-catholic) so I needed my cocktail hour to start no later than 2pm.  The other issue here is so many venues want to 2 weddings a day and will absolutely NOT start their second wedding earlier than 5pm or 6pm for cocktail hour because they need to set-up.  I ran into this issue after I booked my ceremony venue and had to really search for a venue to move their cocktail hour to when I wanted it.  I had to find a non-traditional catering hall to do this.  So I really can understand this "catholic gap" if it is mandated by the church or the catering hall.  The church and the reception venues do not care if you are being rude to guests.  I just wanted to put that out there from a different perspective that sometimes a gap really is unavoidable. 

A gap is never unavoidable.

I do understand that it is often very important to the couple to be married in their church, and if the priest will only perform a wedding at 10:30 or 2, then your ceremony is either at 10:30 or 2.

After that has been decided, you go shopping for a reception location. Catering hall only does noon and 6 pm? Okay, 10:30 wedding, over at 11:30, half hour for travel, cocktail hour starts at noon. Bam. Done.

Priest only does weddings at 2 pm? Okay, great! 2-3 is mass, 3:30-4:30 is cocktail hour, entrance with toasts and spotlight dances at 4:30, dinner at 5. DONE. Sure, maybe you can't have this at the "dream catering hall" that you wanted. But you have to prioritize: is it more important to be married in your church, by your priest? Or is it more important to have a party in that specific location on a Saturday night? Because you only get one.

I sacrificed my saturday night wedding due to this so I completely understand.  As someone who sacrificed what I wanted for what was proper etiquette I gave a different perspective on the "unavoidable" things that can happen when planning a wedding.  People will not say they can only pick one or the other because, guess what, it is their day and if people want to celebrate with them then they have to go by the bride and grooms rules.  We are so focused on etiquette that we forget that there are certain religious and cultural restrictions that negate or differ from etiquette rules.  Also there are restrictions from the venues as I stated in the above post.  Not every wedding is going to be cookie cutter and follow the same rules.  In my opinion religious ceremonies take precedent over etiquette.  I say this as a non-religious person who is following etiquette.  Just because I am following etiquette at my wedding, does not mean I expect someone else who chooses to have a religious wedding to follow etiquette in sacrifice of their religion.  

Also catering halls book up and when you book your ceremony space first you are locked into a time.  As I stated before catering halls have strict times when they host weddings.  If the morning time slot is not available on the day you want to get married or even the year but the afternoon timeslot is your pick the afternoon timeslot.  You don't sacrifice getting married for several months or a year because of etiquette.  This entire thread is silly because yes there are circumstances where a gap is unavoidable.  Just because everyone wants to get on the same team and harp on those who are not following etiquette because they are afraid to say something out of turn.   

But that's just not true.  So if your first choice venue doesn't have the day slot available, you find another venue.  As an adult, you have to decide what is most important to you and make that a priority.  If having a church wedding is important to you, then you start there and plan everything else around that.  Sure, that may mean that you don't get your "dream" venue or your "dream" evening reception or your "dream" day, but that's part of being a fucking grown up - you don't get everything you want so you make sacrifices so you can have the things that are most important.  For many people that means having their second choice venue to have their church wedding.  A gap is only unavoidable if the couple refuses to have anything less than their "dream" everything.

banana468

bananasplit472001 said:

Inkdancer said:

bananasplit472001 said:

This is actually something that I think differs from each parish.  The availability of the priest is usually a major issue and they do lock you in to a certain time.  For example my church has mass at 12 and 5 on Saturdays.  You can get married before church at 10am or after church at 2pm.  Those are the only times the priest will perform a wedding mass at my specific church. Obviously they do have friday night and sunday afternoon openings as well.  Sometimes brides that want a traditional catholic mass need to work within the guidelines of the church.  However, I do not think it's ok to start a wedding several hours later just because you want a night wedding.  I wanted a night wedding but the only ceremony time I could get was 12:30 on a sunday (non-catholic) so I needed my cocktail hour to start no later than 2pm.  The other issue here is so many venues want to 2 weddings a day and will absolutely NOT start their second wedding earlier than 5pm or 6pm for cocktail hour because they need to set-up.  I ran into this issue after I booked my ceremony venue and had to really search for a venue to move their cocktail hour to when I wanted it.  I had to find a non-traditional catering hall to do this.  So I really can understand this "catholic gap" if it is mandated by the church or the catering hall.  The church and the reception venues do not care if you are being rude to guests.  I just wanted to put that out there from a different perspective that sometimes a gap really is unavoidable. 

A gap is never unavoidable.

I do understand that it is often very important to the couple to be married in their church, and if the priest will only perform a wedding at 10:30 or 2, then your ceremony is either at 10:30 or 2.

After that has been decided, you go shopping for a reception location. Catering hall only does noon and 6 pm? Okay, 10:30 wedding, over at 11:30, half hour for travel, cocktail hour starts at noon. Bam. Done.

Priest only does weddings at 2 pm? Okay, great! 2-3 is mass, 3:30-4:30 is cocktail hour, entrance with toasts and spotlight dances at 4:30, dinner at 5. DONE. Sure, maybe you can't have this at the "dream catering hall" that you wanted. But you have to prioritize: is it more important to be married in your church, by your priest? Or is it more important to have a party in that specific location on a Saturday night? Because you only get one.

I sacrificed my saturday night wedding due to this so I completely understand.  As someone who sacrificed what I wanted for what was proper etiquette I gave a different perspective on the "unavoidable" things that can happen when planning a wedding.  People will not say they can only pick one or the other because, guess what, it is their day and if people want to celebrate with them then they have to go by the bride and grooms rules.  We are so focused on etiquette that we forget that there are certain religious and cultural restrictions that negate or differ from etiquette rules.  Also there are restrictions from the venues as I stated in the above post.  Not every wedding is going to be cookie cutter and follow the same rules.  In my opinion religious ceremonies take precedent over etiquette.  I say this as a non-religious person who is following etiquette.  Just because I am following etiquette at my wedding, does not mean I expect someone else who chooses to have a religious wedding to follow etiquette in sacrifice of their religion.  

Also catering halls book up and when you book your ceremony space first you are locked into a time.  As I stated before catering halls have strict times when they host weddings.  If the morning time slot is not available on the day you want to get married or even the year but the afternoon timeslot is your pick the afternoon timeslot.  You don't sacrifice getting married for several months or a year because of etiquette.  This entire thread is silly because yes there are circumstances where a gap is unavoidable.  Just because everyone wants to get on the same team and harp
on those who are not following etiquette because they are afraid to say something out of turn.   

You say this as if everything is booked step by step with no thought involved. We knew where we would be married went to reception venues searching for open dates and schedules. Then both were booked with 20 minutes of each other. What's so hard about getting plans together?

lalalorelai

I am Catholic, will be having a Catholic wedding (by desire), and I almost "had" to have a huge gap.

Every single Catholic wedding I have attended (which is all but one), family or friend, from childhood to this past March, has had a gap. I'm attending one this June which is at 9 AM - the available timeslot at a popular church - and has an evening reception. This idea is so ingrained in FI, my whole family, and FILs, that a morning or early afternoon wedding (pre Saturday evening vigil Mass) followed by an evening reception is just "how things are done" if you want to have a nice (read: formal) wedding. No one can get on my level with this, because when it's all you've ever known it has basically become impossible to convince them that there's an adequate reason to do something else. Maybe it's even, "by golly, I had to deal with everyone else's gap, so they'll deal with mine."

Anyway, because a) even FI doesn't get it and b) we're not paying for the entirety of the wedding, I basically got my concerns dismissed. "No one will mind, they know that's how it goes." Well, the second half of that statement is probably true. The church in which I grew up does not have weddings start later than 2 PM, but "we'll plan an evening reception because duh, that's so much nicer, and that will be that." It's absurd, but no one but me believes that.

Here's where I luck out. Church, hotel, reception venue are all within 5 minutes or so of one another, one convenience that I could make happen. FI and I happen both to be Notre Dame grads, and there will be a Notre Dame football game (huge deal at ND) starting about 15 minutes after our Mass will end. While the entire guest list might not be interested in watching the game, many (including the B&G) will be. I managed to convince everyone that we needed to get a space at the hotel where we could host a gamewatch with food and seats. That way, those who would be spending their gap time watching can do so; I can mingle with guests in a wide swath of time where conversation is possible; and if someone wants to go back to their hotel room to nap instead, hopefully that is easy for them. It's not ideal, but I am doing my best to "host the gap" because I couldn't really convince everyone not to have one.

It does irritate me because as @CMGragain pointed out, everyone will think the gap was my "vision" anyway.

Um a true ND grad would NEVER have a wedding on a football weekend (just kidding!!! But I have heard many friends bitch & moan about weddings in the fall for this reason). I am also and ND grad, also having a Catholic wedding, and am also getting push back from family about having the reception immediately after the ceremony. Seriously. My mom was upset that she wouldn't get a chance to throw a party for her friends in her hotel room. I don't even know...

ETA: a hosted gap is still better than an unhosted gap, IMO.

JCbride2015

I'm a BM in a fall 2015 wedding.  The couple booked a fancy pants Sunday evening reception... and now they are looking for a Catholic church to perform the ceremony.  Bride is shocked that she cannot be married at 5pm on a Sunday evening and "We don't know what to do."  I made a few comments about how I'd rather go to a daytime wedding than have a big space in the middle with nothing to do... we'll see what happens.  This is a family wedding so I can't back out.  Crossing my fingers they figure something out and don't have a gap.

My thoughts are: if your religion is so important to you, it should be important enough that you work around your ceremony.  Ceremony should be #1.  If you book your "dream" reception venue before you even figure out the requirements for being married in the church, I'm sorry, but I don't think religion could really be that important to you.  Your "vision" is more important, as shown by your actions.

bananasplit472001

NYCBruin said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Inkdancer said:

bananasplit472001 said:

This is actually something that I think differs from each parish.  The availability of the priest is usually a major issue and they do lock you in to a certain time.  For example my church has mass at 12 and 5 on Saturdays.  You can get married before church at 10am or after church at 2pm.  Those are the only times the priest will perform a wedding mass at my specific church. Obviously they do have friday night and sunday afternoon openings as well.  Sometimes brides that want a traditional catholic mass need to work within the guidelines of the church.  However, I do not think it's ok to start a wedding several hours later just because you want a night wedding.  I wanted a night wedding but the only ceremony time I could get was 12:30 on a sunday (non-catholic) so I needed my cocktail hour to start no later than 2pm.  The other issue here is so many venues want to 2 weddings a day and will absolutely NOT start their second wedding earlier than 5pm or 6pm for cocktail hour because they need to set-up.  I ran into this issue after I booked my ceremony venue and had to really search for a venue to move their cocktail hour to when I wanted it.  I had to find a non-traditional catering hall to do this.  So I really can understand this "catholic gap" if it is mandated by the church or the catering hall.  The church and the reception venues do not care if you are being rude to guests.  I just wanted to put that out there from a different perspective that sometimes a gap really is unavoidable. 

A gap is never unavoidable.

I do understand that it is often very important to the couple to be married in their church, and if the priest will only perform a wedding at 10:30 or 2, then your ceremony is either at 10:30 or 2.

After that has been decided, you go shopping for a reception location. Catering hall only does noon and 6 pm? Okay, 10:30 wedding, over at 11:30, half hour for travel, cocktail hour starts at noon. Bam. Done.

Priest only does weddings at 2 pm? Okay, great! 2-3 is mass, 3:30-4:30 is cocktail hour, entrance with toasts and spotlight dances at 4:30, dinner at 5. DONE. Sure, maybe you can't have this at the "dream catering hall" that you wanted. But you have to prioritize: is it more important to be married in your church, by your priest? Or is it more important to have a party in that specific location on a Saturday night? Because you only get one.

I sacrificed my saturday night wedding due to this so I completely understand.  As someone who sacrificed what I wanted for what was proper etiquette I gave a different perspective on the "unavoidable" things that can happen when planning a wedding.  People will not say they can only pick one or the other because, guess what, it is their day and if people want to celebrate with them then they have to go by the bride and grooms rules.  We are so focused on etiquette that we forget that there are certain religious and cultural restrictions that negate or differ from etiquette rules.  Also there are restrictions from the venues as I stated in the above post.  Not every wedding is going to be cookie cutter and follow the same rules.  In my opinion religious ceremonies take precedent over etiquette.  I say this as a non-religious person who is following etiquette.  Just because I am following etiquette at my wedding, does not mean I expect someone else who chooses to have a religious wedding to follow etiquette in sacrifice of their religion.  

Also catering halls book up and when you book your ceremony space first you are locked into a time.  As I stated before catering halls have strict times when they host weddings.  If the morning time slot is not available on the day you want to get married or even the year but the afternoon timeslot is your pick the afternoon timeslot.  You don't sacrifice getting married for several months or a year because of etiquette.  This entire thread is silly because yes there are circumstances where a gap is unavoidable.  Just because everyone wants to get on the same team and harp on those who are not following etiquette because they are afraid to say something out of turn.   

But that's just not true.  So if your first choice venue doesn't have the day slot available, you find another venue.  As an adult, you have to decide what is most important to you and make that a priority.  If having a church wedding is important to you, then you start there and plan everything else around that.  Sure, that may mean that you don't get your "dream" venue or your "dream" evening reception or your "dream" day, but that's part of being a fucking grown up - you don't get everything you want so you make sacrifices so you can have the things that are most important.  For many people that means having their second choice venue to have their church wedding.  A gap is only unavoidable if the couple refuses to have anything less than their "dream" everything.

I meant that the church only has certain timeslots, not a reception venue.  You can have a reception anywhere but it still needs to fit into the venues guidelines because they need to make money too from fitting in 2 weddings a day.  For example the chapel I chose has only 3 timeslots per day.  I chose a timeslot then booked my venue around my ceremony time.  Ceremony spaces are usually non-negotiable as they mean something to the bride and groom.  It's just a different perspective in support of religious gaps.  As an adult you have to decide do you want to be stubborn and protest a wedding with a gap or celebrate your friends and family's marriage?  

bananasplit472001

banana468 said:

Inkdancer said:

bananasplit472001 said:

This is actually something that I think differs from each parish.  The availability of the priest is usually a major issue and they do lock you in to a certain time.  For example my church has mass at 12 and 5 on Saturdays.  You can get married before church at 10am or after church at 2pm.  Those are the only times the priest will perform a wedding mass at my specific church. Obviously they do have friday night and sunday afternoon openings as well.  Sometimes brides that want a traditional catholic mass need to work within the guidelines of the church.  However, I do not think it's ok to start a wedding several hours later just because you want a night wedding.  I wanted a night wedding but the only ceremony time I could get was 12:30 on a sunday (non-catholic) so I needed my cocktail hour to start no later than 2pm.  The other issue here is so many venues want to 2 weddings a day and will absolutely NOT start their second wedding earlier than 5pm or 6pm for cocktail hour because they need to set-up.  I ran into this issue after I booked my ceremony venue and had to really search for a venue to move their cocktail hour to when I wanted it.  I had to find a non-traditional catering hall to do this.  So I really can understand this "catholic gap" if it is mandated by the church or the catering hall.  The church and the reception venues do not care if you are being rude to guests.  I just wanted to put that out there from a different perspective that sometimes a gap really is unavoidable. 

A gap is never unavoidable.

I do understand that it is often very important to the couple to be married in their church, and if the priest will only perform a wedding at 10:30 or 2, then your ceremony is either at 10:30 or 2.

After that has been decided, you go shopping for a reception location. Catering hall only does noon and 6 pm? Okay, 10:30 wedding, over at 11:30, half hour for travel, cocktail hour starts at noon. Bam. Done.

Priest only does weddings at 2 pm? Okay, great! 2-3 is mass, 3:30-4:30 is cocktail hour, entrance with toasts and spotlight dances at 4:30, dinner at 5. DONE. Sure, maybe you can't have this at the "dream catering hall" that you wanted. But you have to prioritize: is it more important to be married in your church, by your priest? Or is it more important to have a party in that specific location on a Saturday night? Because you only get one.

I sacrificed my saturday night wedding due to this so I completely understand.  As someone who sacrificed what I wanted for what was proper etiquette I gave a different perspective on the "unavoidable" things that can happen when planning a wedding.  People will not say they can only pick one or the other because, guess what, it is their day and if people want to celebrate with them then they have to go by the bride and grooms rules.  We are so focused on etiquette that we forget that there are certain religious and cultural restrictions that negate or differ from etiquette rules.  Also there are restrictions from the venues as I stated in the above post.  Not every wedding is going to be cookie cutter and follow the same rules.  In my opinion religious ceremonies take precedent over etiquette.  I say this as a non-religious person who is following etiquette.  Just because I am following etiquette at my wedding, does not mean I expect someone else who chooses to have a religious wedding to follow etiquette in sacrifice of their religion.  

Also catering halls book up and when you book your ceremony space first you are locked into a time.  As I stated before catering halls have strict times when they host weddings.  If the morning time slot is not available on the day you want to get married or even the year but the afternoon timeslot is your pick the afternoon timeslot.  You don't sacrifice getting married for several months or a year because of etiquette.  This entire thread is silly because yes there are circumstances where a gap is unavoidable.  Just because everyone wants to get on the same team and harp on those who are not following etiquette because they are afraid to say something out of turn.   

You say this as if everything is booked step by step with no thought involved. We knew where we would be married went to reception venues searching for open dates and schedules. Then both were booked with 20 minutes of each other. What's so hard about getting plans together?

Some people do not know the reception venue.  Many people book their ceremony site before their reception because how can you book a cocktail hour without that time?  Church weddings can be difficult to get as they are booked in advance.  Sure most people should have some idea where they want to have their reception but you do not need it to book your ceremony site.  Not everyone thinks like you.  They may plan to get married on a certain date and time at a certain place as it means something to the couple, but they have no idea where to have a reception.  I have seen this done many times and actually did this myself.  We booked our reception venue 3 months after our ceremony space was booked.  

NYCBruin

bananasplit472001 said:

I meant that the church only has certain timeslots, not a reception venue.  You can have a reception anywhere but it still needs to fit into the venues guidelines because they need to make money too from fitting in 2 weddings a day.  For example the chapel I chose has only 3 timeslots per day.  I chose a timeslot then booked my venue around my ceremony time.  Ceremony spaces are usually non-negotiable as they mean something to the bride and groom.  It's just a different perspective in support of religious gaps.  As an adult you have to decide do you want to be stubborn and protest a wedding with a gap or celebrate your friends and family's marriage?  

I would never not go to a wedding over a gap, I personally don't mind them at all.

I just think this whole "but I had to do it" excuse is stupid.  If the church is important to you, you book that first and then you look for venues that can have your reception at a time that works for the church.  I don't care what time the church says your ceremony is, there is always somewhere that can handle a reception at that time.

VulgarGirl

You know what I hate? Driving to a place, driving home, and then having to drive back to the same damn place (or nearby place)! My car runs on gas, not hopes and dreams and your perfect fucking wedding. So even for in town weddings, gaps are fucking annoying to me. I don't care if you're Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, or belong to the Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Figure your shit out so that I don't have to drive home and turn around and drive back. I ain't got time for that.

JCbride2015

bananasplit472001 said: Some people do not know the reception venue.  Many people book their ceremony site before their reception because how can you book a cocktail hour without that time?  Church weddings can be difficult to get as they are booked in advance.  Sure most people should have some idea where they want to have their reception but you do not need it to book your ceremony site.  Not everyone thinks like you.  They may plan to get married on a certain date and time at a certain place as it means something to the couple, but they have no idea where to have a reception.  I have seen this done many times and actually did this myself.  We booked our reception venue 3 months after our ceremony space was booked.  
------Oh JFC the box-------
The bolded is what everyone is saying you're supposed to do!  So, you and everyone else who did it that way is correct.  We're saying you should book the ceremony first, then work around it.

singinchick13

bananasplit472001

Of course if they are a loved one you would not just decline due to a gap. This, however, would not prevent you or anyone from being extremely opposed to this rudeness to guests. I might leave early if this were the case. So might a lot of guests. If that's ok with the couple, then fine. I also may not travel a great distance for a wedding like this.

Bottom line, it does not matter how you plan it. It is rude. Plain and simple, and if the couple does not understand that and thinks that it is ok, then they have been severely mislead. If they think their guests won't mind they are ridiculously naive. If they do not realize it is more important to host one event with NO gap and take proper care of their guests than have a perfect speshul evening reception, then there really is no hope for the human race.

PrettyGirlLost

NYCBruin said:

bananasplit472001 said:

I meant that the church only has certain timeslots, not a reception venue.  You can have a reception anywhere but it still needs to fit into the venues guidelines because they need to make money too from fitting in 2 weddings a day.  For example the chapel I chose has only 3 timeslots per day.  I chose a timeslot then booked my venue around my ceremony time.  Ceremony spaces are usually non-negotiable as they mean something to the bride and groom.  It's just a different perspective in support of religious gaps.  As an adult you have to decide do you want to be stubborn and protest a wedding with a gap or celebrate your friends and family's marriage?  

I would never not go to a wedding over a gap, I personally don't mind them at all.

singinchick13 said:

bananasplit472001

Of course if they are a loved one you would not just decline due to a gap.

If the gap was an hour or less, I'd go but I'd be annoyed as hell and I'd complain to someone.

If the gap was any longer, and especially 5+ hours as has been reported on these boards and as a close friend of mine had to experience in her cousin's wedding last year (7 hour gap), I'm going to go to your ceremony only if I am local, and if I'm OOT I'm going to decline.  This is for anyone, including family.  But you can be sure I will happily "educate" any family members who are entertaining the idea of a gap for their wedding.  I will work my hardest to try and talk them out of it.

CMGragain

One other issue.  DH and I are classic nerds.  Football?  You gotta be kidding us!  No way would we attend this wedding.

VulgarGirl

CMGragain said:

One other issue.  DH and I are classic nerds.  Football?  You gotta be kidding us!  No way would we attend this wedding.

I don't do football either. Every time something starts to happen everyone has to stop and line back up again. I can't take it. I prefer hockey. You keep playing until someone bleeds.

PrettyGirlLost

MagicInk said:

CMGragain said:

One other issue.  DH and I are classic nerds.  Football?  You gotta be kidding us!  No way would we attend this wedding.

I don't do football either. Every time something starts to happen everyone has to stop and line back up again. I can't take it. I prefer hockey. You keep playing until someone bleeds.

That's it, I'm taking you away with me!  Get in the trrunk.

I love me some hockey as well.

lyndausvi

I'm a football girl.  Plus a lot of my family are ND fans. So HOSTED gap to watch a ND football game would not bother me too much.   Key word here is HOSTED.

wrigleyville

My family is Catholic, and for as long as I can remember, the weddings have had huge gaps. We're talking 11:00 wedding and 5:00 reception.

The MOB and/or MOG usually try to host something at their house after the ceremony, but obviously not everyone can fit, so it's usually just close family.

As such, it's tradition for people to skip the ceremony and just go to the reception. In fact, I can remember my mom talking to other relatives and everyone discussing if they were going "to the ceremony or just the reception". Many times, we'd see about 30 people at the ceremony and then 200+ people at the reception.

So yeah. It's rude to skip the ceremony, but it's rude to make your guests sit around bored out of their minds and hungry. Hence my family always debating if it was worth it to go to the ceremony or not. We HATED sitting around all dressed up. Nobody needs to "freshen up" after sitting in church for an hour, and the kids always get restless from wearing their dress clothes and, as such, not being able to play all day.

When my brother got married, he chose a 3:00 ceremony, started cocktail hour at 4:30, showed up with the WP at 5:30, and dinner was served shortly thereafter. Their wedding ceremony had nearly 100% attendance *because they didn't have a gap*. The only people who showed up for just the reception were people who got stuck in a snow storm on the way into town.

tcnoble

So here's a scenario involving a gap I would love input from you lovely ladies...

I'm in a wedding this summer. OOT (across the country). FI is coming along. I am tied up with the wedding starting at 9am. Ceremony is 1pm (Catholic mass) and cocktail hour isn't until 5pm, dinner at 6pm. Bridal party will be with bride/groom the entirety of the gap - so FI will be on his own from 9am - 5pm. Bride is one of my closest friends, but very much "this is MY day" about the wedding.

There's an airshow in the same town the day of the wedding that greatly interests FI. Do I force FI to attend the ceremony only to be subjected to gaps on either end of it by himself, or do I let him go play for the day and show up for the reception? Is it bad we are even considering the second option? Ha...

Simply Fated

tcnoble said:

So here's a scenario involving a gap I would love input from you lovely ladies...

I'm in a wedding this summer. OOT (across the country). FI is coming along. I am tied up with the wedding starting at 9am. Ceremony is 1pm (Catholic mass) and cocktail hour isn't until 5pm, dinner at 6pm. Bridal party will be with bride/groom the entirety of the gap - so FI will be on his own from 9am - 5pm. Bride is one of my closest friends, but very much "this is MY day" about the wedding.

There's an airshow in the same town the day of the wedding that greatly interests FI. Do I force FI to attend the ceremony only to be subjected to gaps on either end of it by himself, or do I let him go play for the day and show up for the reception? Is it bad we are even considering the second option? Ha...

Not really. I mean, he'll be on his own for a huge chunk of time by himself in an area he is most likely unfamiliar with. So I can understand why you would want to find an alternative.
If I were by myself, I'd find the nearest Barnes and Noble or Panera and pop a squat for the duration of the gap. Or check out a museum. However, the fact that she won;t let him hang with you guys during the day speaks very poorly of her.
I'm not a fan of people purposely not going to the ceremony and then going to the reception. The reception is supposed to be a way to thank the guests for coming to the ceremony. Since he is choosing to not attend the ceremony, IMO it wouldn't be appropriate for him to attend the reception.
Having said all that... is it definite that the bride won't let him tag along the day of? What about the other SOs?