FI driving me crazy about budget!

RandLPhillips

FI wants to invite over 100 people on his own (I'm only inviting 45) yet wants me to cut things that are important to me like small decorations, a real bouquet (he wants me to "rent" our bouquets and boutonnieres and have them made of silk flowers) he also doesn't think that a bar at all (even a beer and wine one) is needed and expects his family to help us set up a lot of decorations...I'm going cheap with my dress at around $600 and his parents are pitching in $4600. I don't have a close relationship with my parents so although they have money I have not asked them for help at all because I'm sure they'd say no. I've asked him to limit his guest number so we can afford the wedding or possibly have the wedding on a Sunday (which he says most of his family wouldn't make it to)...what do I do? Am I being overly ridiculous? Our budget was "too high" for him at $10,000 and I explained with almost 150 people it does get expensive...now that the budget is closer to $15,000 he is getting worse about cutting more important things to me like having family members cook all of the food buffet style. I feel like my wedding is going to be way more "casual" than I want...any ideas?

HisGirlFriday13

RandLPhillips said:

FI wants to invite over 100 people on his own (I'm only inviting 45) yet wants me to cut things that are important to me like small decorations, a real bouquet (he wants me to "rent" our bouquets and boutonnieres and have them made of silk flowers) he also doesn't think that a bar at all (even a beer and wine one) is needed and expects his family to help us set up a lot of decorations...I'm going cheap with my dress at around $600 and his parents are pitching in $4600. I don't have a close relationship with my parents so although they have money I have not asked them for help at all because I'm sure they'd say no. I've asked him to limit his guest number so we can afford the wedding or possibly have the wedding on a Sunday (which he says most of his family wouldn't make it to)...what do I do? Am I being overly ridiculous? Our budget was "too high" for him at $10,000 and I explained with almost 150 people it does get expensive...now that the budget is closer to $15,000 he is getting worse about cutting more important things to me like having family members cook all of the food buffet style. I feel like my wedding is going to be way more "casual" than I want...any ideas?

You and he need to get on the same page. Sit down and rank what's important to each of you and then figure out where you can cut and where you can compromise.

Also, I don't know where you are, but $10K for 150 people is doable. It will require DIYing things, and being frugal, but it's doable.

You and he need to learn how to compromise.

RandLPhillips

Thats just the thing...what is important to him is how many people he can get to show up there but what is important to me is how the whole day looks, feels and goes...I want to remember the little details he says that the details are "just stuff"...I think we're at a totally different angle here and I don't know how to approach it without upsetting him. He promised me the wedding of my dreams and was excited at first but now that he added so many people the "wedding of my dreams" is quickly becoming "how much important stuff of yours can you cut"? He is supposed to be getting a large (over $150k) amount of cash in the coming months as well but said that whatever I could raise on my own he would "match"...It just doesn't feel right to me...

MW5280

You wedding isn't a fundraiser with a matching campaign...it's the day you begin your life together.

It sounds to me like you both want it to be a show: he wants it to be a show for all the people, and you want it to be a beautiful display. 

Go back to square one, figure out what your priorities are and go from there. But square one needs to be the same square for you and FI.

CMGragain

You have planned your wedding backwards.  Here is how you plan your wedding.

1.  Draw up a budget.  This is not flexible.  If you have $15,000, then it is $15,000.
2.  Draw up a guest list.

Now you can start planning.  What kind of reception can you afford?  An evening reception is the most expensive.  An afternoon reception is the most affordable.  What venue will accommodate your guest list and your budget?

You seem to have started with a vision of what you want your dream reception to be.  This is not a priority.

Sorry, but I agree with your FI.  People are more important than your wedding vision.

CMGragain

RandLPhillips said:

Thats just the thing...what is important to him is how many people he can get to show up there but what is important to me is how the whole day looks, feels and goes...I want to remember the little details he says that the details are "just stuff"...I think we're at a totally different angle here and I don't know how to approach it without upsetting him. He promised me the wedding of my dreams and was excited at first but now that he added so many people the "wedding of my dreams" is quickly becoming "how much important stuff of yours can you cut"? He is supposed to be getting a large (over $150k) amount of cash in the coming months as well but said that whatever I could raise on my own he would "match"...It just doesn't feel right to me...

If this is an example of how you two can work together, I fear for your future.

rsbloom

First of all: You guys are getting married, shouldn't you be referring to it as "your" money now, not "his" and "hers?"  That would be a red flag for me, if my partner was still saying "my money" "your money." 

Also, it seems to me like you want to ask him to chip in some of that money he's getting soon, to cover the cost of those extra guests he wants, but you shouldn't count it as wedding money, since you guys already agreed on the 15K.  

However, I do think you should decide how to save/use that money together.  If that means putting some of it towards the wedding fine, it not, you have to be fine with that too.  You guys should be a team in all things, including your finances.

I agree with PPs that the budget comes first, then the guest list. Then you should sit down and make a list of all wedding elements and EACH rate them on a list from 1 to 10, but everything can't be a 10 for either of you.  Then take a look at cutting things that you each rated low.  Your FI needs to be a part of this so he can see what is important to you, and the breakdown of how much everything will cost.

I would love to have personalized cocktail napkins and custom M&Ms, but are those things that are high on my priority list? No.  So we nixed it and used the money on something we thought was more important.  

If your bouquet is a priority, make it how you want and do small nosegays or corsages for your BMs, to fit your budget.

But you both need to compromise, it can't all come from one of you.  

RandLPhillips

That's what scares me is that I already cut out a bar, ceremony music entirely, flowers, a wedding video and the honeymoon we had agreed upon because he keeps adding guests to his side of the list... He is now over double my list which includes only family and about five close friends... He has family, friends and friends families on there... My dream wedding isn't anything crazy just a nice time where everyone can have fun but he feels that gifts and favors and food and beverages aren't necessary because the people are coming "for us"... It's getting confusing. Our budget was fine at $15k until our guest list kept growing and that's when I had to start cutting more important things to accommodate the increase in guests... And I agree, the " I'll match what you put in " part bothers me too.

AprilH81

RandLPhillips said:

That's what scares me is that I already cut out a bar, ceremony music entirely, flowers, a wedding video and the honeymoon we had agreed upon because he keeps adding guests to his side of the list... He is now over double my list which includes only family and about five close friends... He has family, friends and friends families on there... My dream wedding isn't anything crazy just a nice time where everyone can have fun but he feels that gifts and favors and food and beverages aren't necessary because the people are coming "for us"... It's getting confusing. Our budget was fine at $15k until our guest list kept growing and that's when I had to start cutting more important things to accommodate the increase in guests... And I agree, the " I'll match what you put in " part bothers me too.

Gifts and favors aren't important at all and most guests don't want/need favors, especially if they have your names on them.

You MUST properly host your guests.  If you want to trim expenses and only do cake and punch it needs to be at a non-meal time.  If it is over a normal meal time you must provide enough food so that guests can eat enough to fill full.  Alcohol is not necessary but you must provide drinks of some sort.

RandLPhillips

That is what I tried to explain to him and the venue HE wants to rent out is for 12 hours with a ceremony at 3pm then reception etc. The venue fits both of our tastes and provides tables, linens etc which is nice but he doesn't realize if we are asking people to get there at 3pm and expect them to stay until at least 7pm we need to have food and beverages available to them.

AddieCake

I would sooner elope than throw together what he is suggesting, to be honest. You both need to get on the same page here. 

rsbloom

Yeah, he's being kinda ridiculous with all this guest adding.  Tell him you had already settled on a guest list and that it doesn't include ______.  He doesn't have to invite everyone he's ever met.  If you haven't talked to someone in over a year, cut them.  Coworkers don't have to be invited, cut them.  

One other thing would be to say no children, some people may not like it, but it could cut your costs down a lot.

However, if you have been telling all these people they are invited, it would be rude to rescind the invite.

Music can also be done on someone's ipod and hook it up to the speakers, it isn't as elegant, but it'll do the job.  Assign someone to play it at the right moments.

Guests must be properly hosted, it isn't a college party, it's a wedding.  There should be some sort of food and drink, especially if it is during a mealtime.  

AzAnnie

First of all if my Fi told me he would "match" my contribution I would hit him over the head with a 2x4!!! This wedding is for the 2 of you the things that are important to you should be important to hi and vice versa. I am concerned that this is just the beginning of things to come in your marriage. Marriage is about compromise, not you giving in so that he can have what he wants. He gives and you give that is a healthy relationship.

adverb1129

Were you two going to check out any pre-marital counseling?  This isn't a dig at you or your relationship but it seems like you guys are having problems communicating and he is having some real problems with compromising.  Perhaps a neutral third party could help you.

[Deleted User]

You two need to talk and figure this out. This is the one the biggest financial issues you will com across. If you can't agree on how to spend the money for the wedding how are you going to agree how to spend money for a house & furnishing it, a car, kids education if you have any. One of the biggest causes of divorce are over financial issues, don't let that be you