Update on: Breaking news of coming engagement to BFF

luckya23

Hi everyone! New here, it just let me post something!

I talk to my BFF every day, mostly online and text (I'm not a phone person), but I haven't been able to tell her that BF bought a diamond and we have been looking at rings... and we discussed last night that he doesn't see any reason to wait for some surprise proposal since I know it's coming!  Therefore, it won't be months after we decide on a setting most likely.

Of course I don't have to tell her now, I'm not telling anyone else, but it's weird to feel like I'm hiding it, and of course the search is occupying a lot of time. 

She's going to say we haven't been together long enough (it's been 1 year), and I think it will upset her because of where she is with her own BF.  I talked to my BF about it, but he's a typical guy - "we know what feels right, who cares what she thinks" type of deal. 

I guess I'll have to bite the bullet eventually, but I don't want her to rain on my parade either, ya know?

Have you all run into anything similar or have any advice for bringing it up?

Thanks!

 

Blue & White

She's your best friend, supposedly.  If you getting engaged ruins that, then she's not your best friend.

In addition, if you are preemptively thinking of her objections to your engagement, it makes me question why.

But to save yourself and possibly your friendship, keep in mind that your engagement is just an event in your life.  It doesn't mean that every waking hour your friend will be obsessed with dresses or venues or whatnot.  So feel free to treat her like you normally do.

cu97tiger

Kelani23 said:

Hi everyone! New here, it just let me post something!

I talk to my BFF every day, mostly online and text (I'm not a phone person), but I haven't been able to tell her that BF bought a diamond and we have been looking at rings... and we discussed last night that he doesn't see any reason to wait for some surprise proposal since I know it's coming!  Therefore, it won't be months after we decide on a setting most likely.

Of course I don't have to tell her now, I'm not telling anyone else, but it's weird to feel like I'm hiding it, and of course the search is occupying a lot of time. 

She's going to say we haven't been together long enough (it's been 1 year), and I think it will upset her because of where she is with her own BF.  I talked to my BF about it, but he's a typical guy - "we know what feels right, who cares what she thinks" type of deal. 

I guess I'll have to bite the bullet eventually, but I don't want her to rain on my parade either, ya know?

Have you all run into anything similar or have any advice for bringing it up?

Thanks!

 

Hi and welcome. I think it's great that you are being so respectful of your friend's feelings. I think that this is one of those issues that really prepares you for marriage. You are expecting some negative feedback, but you (and your BF) have decided on a course of action. The right thing to do is just be upfront with her about it when it happens: "Hey BFF, FI and I got engaged yesterday. I am SO excited and wanted you to be one of the first to know!"

Don't start off making excuses or answering the criticism you THINK you're going to get. She might surprise you. If she doesn't, and launches in to criticizing the decision, this is your first chance to draw the line around your baby family and say 'FI and I have made this decision. We're happy, we love each other, and we want to get married.'

Since we don't know much about you, other that you've been dating your BF for about a year, why don't you tell us some more... How old are you? What part of the country do you live in? Do you like wine? How do you like your potatoes?

phira

Kelani23 said: Hi everyone! New here, it just let me post something!I talk to my BFF every day, mostly online and text (I'm not a phone person), but I haven't been able to tell her that BF bought a diamond and we have been looking at rings... and we discussed last night that he doesn't see any reason to wait for some surprise proposal since I know it's coming!  Therefore, it won't be months after we decide on a setting most likely.Of course I don't have to tell her now, I'm not telling anyone else, but it's weird to feel like I'm hiding it, and of course the search is occupying a lot of time.  She's going to say we haven't been together long enough (it's been 1 year), and I think it will upset her because of where she is with her own BF.  I talked to my BF about it, but he's a typical guy - "we know what feels right, who cares what she thinks" type of deal.  I guess I'll have to bite the bullet eventually, but I don't want her to rain on my parade either, ya know?Have you all run into anything similar or have any advice for bringing it up?Thanks!  Welcome to the boards! Don't worry about the accidental double post; the site updated this weekend and it's been difficult to avoid multiple posting.

I have to second what previous posters have said--is there more to this story? Is she usually a little police-y about your life? I think it can be easy, depending on your own personal history, to create obstacles where there are none.

Example: I was convinced that everyone would think I was moving too quickly with my partner. I have no idea why I was convinced of this. We started dating in November (2011--not this past November) and the following spring, we started to stress over living arrangements for that coming September. In April, after dating for 5 months, we found an apartment for September and signed a lease. I was so stressed about the situation that I had nightmares that my friends and family responded by holding an intervention. Not a single person (and I mean that--not ANYONE) voiced a single concern. I'd stressed over their reactions for nothing.

If you are correct, though, there are ways to handle those kinds of criticisms from friends. In the immediate aftermath, I'd try to remain calm and civil, with a faux apology (because you did nothing wrong): "I'm really sorry you feel that way, but I'm really excited to be marrying [BF-now-FI]." Then give her space (and come back here and we'll brainstorm the next step).

In the meantime, keep in mind that:

- it's totally okay to clue some people in and not everyone in to the fact that an engagement will eventually be happening. You don't have to hide from everyone that your boyfriend has gotten a diamond, or that you're expecting to be engaged by [date]

- but it's ALSO totally okay to keep it a secret. NEY is a great place to hang out and talk about engagement stuff while you're keeping your cool with your friends and family. It's okay if it's a surprise for everyone, friends and family alike

- and while you're here, we'd love to get to know you! If you're looking for some general ideas of what to share, the Getting to Know You thread has a good template (which you can copy/paste here if you'd like)

ShallowSeas

I agree with PPs; a real friend wouldn't be mad or jealous. I was in a similar situation as you. My best friend (who is now my BM) wanted her bf to propose to her because they had been together for a year and a half but he hadn't even mentioned getting married and this frustrated her. When FI and I had been together 9 months he took me to look at engagement rings. I told my best friend about it and she was beyond thrilled for me and even more thrilled when he actually proposed a couple months later.  I haven't seen her that happy in a long time. WHY was she that happy? Because her and I are best friends and she was happy that I was so happy. Even though she wanted to be engaged, there were no hard feelings.

I think its great that you are taking into consideration your friends' feelings. People will always criticize everything you do in life. I had people tell me it was 'too soon' for me and FI to be engaged.

I don't know you and your friends' relationship, but maybe just telling her that your bf took you to look at rings wouldn't be such a bad thing. Or waiting until it happens. Either way, you're going to have to tell her. I really hope that she is happy for you. I would try not to worry so much

All the PPs gave you GREAT advice. They're wise. Listen to them

Dignity100

Honestly - Your friend probably will have mixed emotions; mostly happy for you but I'm guessing there will be 'pings' of jealousy too; we're girls and we get that way!  She should be able to hold those emotions in and only show you the joyous emotions though... unless she has some reservations against you and your BF (doesn't like him, getting married to young, or something to that nature).

If you're really worried, why not tell her about your shopping and start getting her used to the idea?

luckya23

I think this is the template you spoke of, so here goes:

Screen Name:  Kelani23

Age: 32

Significant Other's Age: 31

What You Do:  Environmental compliance for telecommunications installations

What SO Does:  Engineer

State of Relationship:  Great?!  Not yet engaged

How Long You've Been Together:  1 year, 2 weeks - he started ring shopping the day after our anniversary because he had that "now it's okay" date in his head :-P

How You Met:  Match.com

Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married):  Who knows, I'm not too into wedding planning

Real Babies:  None

Fur Babies:  2 dogs - Harley (age 10.5) & Kelani (age 2, but adopted a month ago).  I recently lost my heart dog, Lodi, at 11 years, and my oldest dog, Mazarin, at 16 years, 3 days apart right before Xmas.  I also have a betta fish named Hercules.

Loves:  Dogs, laughing, hanging out with SO, especially shopping!

Hates:  Formal events, talking on the phone, controlling people

Pet Peeves:  Dropping by without warning, bad spelling (although my SO is terrible too!)

Hobbies/Activities:  Hanging out with the pups, fostering dogs, making stained glass, I love going to the beach although I don't live near one, and I bought a house last year so there's always something needing to be done!

Favorite Thing About Your SO:  He always makes me laugh and we haven't actually had a bad day yet! 

Least Favorite Thing About Your SO:  He works nights, so he sleeps crazy hours, even when he's off - he only sleeps a couple hours at a time so he's up and down all night and day

Describe Your Personality:  Shy, not too serious

Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]):  What I will think: 8, What I will say: 2

I've Been On TK Since:  I just joined a few days ago, but apparently I had used my main email address with a previous engagement - oops!

How You Came to Be On TK:  Searching for engagement ring ideas

How I like my potatoes:  I like french fries

Favorite book/author:  I love Jen Lancaster! 

 

Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself:  I drove buses when I was in college.

luckya23

Blue & White said:

She's your best friend, supposedly.  If you getting engaged ruins that, then she's not your best friend.

In addition, if you are preemptively thinking of her objections to your engagement, it makes me question why.

But to save yourself and possibly your friendship, keep in mind that your engagement is just an event in your life.  It doesn't mean that every waking hour your friend will be obsessed with dresses or venues or whatnot.  So feel free to treat her like you normally do.

I don't think it would "ruin" it, but I also know how she is.  Because of what she says to me about what goes on with other people, it's hard to not imagine even if she doesn't tell me, what she would say to other people about my engagement.

She kind of always knows best, and how other people should conduct their lives :-P   She doesn't live near me, so she's only met my SO a couple of times. 

I think once she got comfortable with the idea, she would be more into planning than I would be - - but we're very different people, so she will also have very strong and opposite opinions of what I should do, probably every step of the way!!

Think of it like a childhood best friend that you don't have so much in common with as an adult really! lol

luckya23

cu97tiger said:

  Hi and welcome. I think it's great that you are being so respectful of your friend's feelings. I think that this is one of those issues that really prepares you for marriage. You are expecting some negative feedback, but you (and your BF) have decided on a course of action. The right thing to do is just be upfront with her about it when it happens: "Hey BFF, FI and I got engaged yesterday. I am SO excited and wanted you to be one of the first to know!"

Don't start off making excuses or answering the criticism you THINK you're going to get. She might surprise you. If she doesn't, and launches in to criticizing the decision, this is your first chance to draw the line around your baby family and say 'FI and I have made this decision. We're happy, we love each other, and we want to get married.'

Since we don't know much about you, other that you've been dating your BF for about a year, why don't you tell us some more... How old are you? What part of the country do you live in? Do you like wine? How do you like your potatoes?

Thanks, that's very helpful!

Sometimes with my friend it's hard to remember who this is really about, YKWIM??

I completed the questionaire above, but I'm 32 and live in New York state.  I'm not big on wine, but I've tried to start training myself to drink it socially - I like moscato and that's about it! lol

I like lots of potatoes, but usually I get french fries.

luckya23

phira said:

Welcome to the boards! Don't worry about the accidental double post; the site updated this weekend and it's been difficult to avoid multiple posting.

I have to second what previous posters have said--is there more to this story? Is she usually a little police-y about your life? I think it can be easy, depending on your own personal history, to create obstacles where there are none.

Example: I was convinced that everyone would think I was moving too quickly with my partner. I have no idea why I was convinced of this. We started dating in November (2011--not this past November) and the following spring, we started to stress over living arrangements for that coming September. In April, after dating for 5 months, we found an apartment for September and signed a lease. I was so stressed about the situation that I had nightmares that my friends and family responded by holding an intervention. Not a single person (and I mean that--not ANYONE) voiced a single concern. I'd stressed over their reactions for nothing.

If you are correct, though, there are ways to handle those kinds of criticisms from friends. In the immediate aftermath, I'd try to remain calm and civil, with a faux apology (because you did nothing wrong): "I'm really sorry you feel that way, but I'm really excited to be marrying [BF-now-FI]." Then give her space (and come back here and we'll brainstorm the next step).

In the meantime, keep in mind that:

- it's totally okay to clue some people in and not everyone in to the fact that an engagement will eventually be happening. You don't have to hide from everyone that your boyfriend has gotten a diamond, or that you're expecting to be engaged by [date]

- but it's ALSO totally okay to keep it a secret. NEY is a great place to hang out and talk about engagement stuff while you're keeping your cool with your friends and family. It's okay if it's a surprise for everyone, friends and family alike

- and while you're here, we'd love to get to know you! If you're looking for some general ideas of what to share, the Getting to Know You thread has a good template (which you can copy/paste here if you'd like)

Yes, that's exactly it, she kind of has something to say about EVERYTHING!  Police-y is a good way to put it!

You're right that I just need to tell her and let it go, rather than try to justify it or go back and forth.

I filled out the form above!

luckya23

severmilli12 said:

I agree with PPs; a real friend wouldn't be mad or jealous. I was in a similar situation as you. My best friend (who is now my BM) wanted her bf to propose to her because they had been together for a year and a half but he hadn't even mentioned getting married and this frustrated her. When FI and I had been together 9 months he took me to look at engagement rings. I told my best friend about it and she was beyond thrilled for me and even more thrilled when he actually proposed a couple months later.  I haven't seen her that happy in a long time. WHY was she that happy? Because her and I are best friends and she was happy that I was so happy. Even though she wanted to be engaged, there were no hard feelings.

I think its great that you are taking into consideration your friends' feelings. People will always criticize everything you do in life. I had people tell me it was 'too soon' for me and FI to be engaged.

I don't know you and your friends' relationship, but maybe just telling her that your bf took you to look at rings wouldn't be such a bad thing. Or waiting until it happens. Either way, you're going to have to tell her. I really hope that she is happy for you. I would try not to worry so much

All the PPs gave you GREAT advice. They're wise. Listen to them

I feel like I can't surprise her and admit that it wasn't a surprise to me!  I wouldn't want her to spring that on me, because we talk so much it would seem so odd, and like she was trying to hide it.

I'm probably overthinking the whole thing, but you're right that there's always someone with their own opinion that they couldn't dream of keeping to themselves ;-)  I'm more of the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" type, myself!

 

GoldenPenguin

TwoDimes said:

Hi, welcome!

I love that you have a Beta named Hercules, that's hilarious! I request pics of your pups, please

I might be the only person in the world that thinks this, but I'm always a little leery when people say they have never had a bad day with their SO, or that they never fight. It's completely normal to disagree sometimes, because we aren't all wired to think the same way about everything. I think it's a healthy part of relationships to be able to disagree sometimes, and have arguments that don't end the relationship, as long as both parties fight fairly. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that. But if it were me, I wouldn't feel ready to be married to someone if I wasn't sure that we could survive a fight, KWIM?

I'm with PPs in that I don't quite understand why your friend would be so distraught about you getting engaged. I understand if you are worried about her being a little jealous, but that's not such a big deal. Is there more to it than that?

While I don't think that disagreements are unhealthy, I can honestly say that BF & I have NEVER had more than a minor argument - and that was because he's a terrible driver, and I was trying to tell him what to do from the passenger seat. Everything else, we generally agree on - we haven't ever had a FIGHT, and I'm totally okay with that.

@kelani23 - where in NY are you? I'm in the Capital Region! 

csousa1

I haven't read all of the responses yet, but I will. I just wanted to say real quick that if you ever have to phrase it "breaking the news" in regards to something that makes you happy, they ARE NOT a good friend.

ShallowSeas

GoldenPenguin said:

TwoDimes said:

Hi, welcome!

I love that you have a Beta named Hercules, that's hilarious! I request pics of your pups, please

I might be the only person in the world that thinks this, but I'm always a little leery when people say they have never had a bad day with their SO, or that they never fight. It's completely normal to disagree sometimes, because we aren't all wired to think the same way about everything. I think it's a healthy part of relationships to be able to disagree sometimes, and have arguments that don't end the relationship, as long as both parties fight fairly. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that. But if it were me, I wouldn't feel ready to be married to someone if I wasn't sure that we could survive a fight, KWIM?

I'm with PPs in that I don't quite understand why your friend would be so distraught about you getting engaged. I understand if you are worried about her being a little jealous, but that's not such a big deal. Is there more to it than that?

While I don't think that disagreements are unhealthy, I can honestly say that BF & I have NEVER had more than a minor argument - and that was because he's a terrible driver, and I was trying to tell him what to do from the passenger seat. Everything else, we generally agree on - we haven't ever had a FIGHT, and I'm totally okay with that.

@kelani23 - where in NY are you? I'm in the Capital Region! 

I agree with @goldenpenguin. FI and I are the same way. FI and I haven't had a bad day. We have been together a year and half and haven't had an argument or a fight. I've gotten mad him and he's been mad at me, but we've always just talked about it and fixed it before it ever escalated any further. We've never had to raise our voices at each other.

I did read somewhere where they say fights (to a certain extent) is healthy for a relationship.

cu97tiger

Kelani23 said:

cu97tiger said:

  Hi and welcome. I think it's great that you are being so respectful of your friend's feelings. I think that this is one of those issues that really prepares you for marriage. You are expecting some negative feedback, but you (and your BF) have decided on a course of action. The right thing to do is just be upfront with her about it when it happens: "Hey BFF, FI and I got engaged yesterday. I am SO excited and wanted you to be one of the first to know!"

Don't start off making excuses or answering the criticism you THINK you're going to get. She might surprise you. If she doesn't, and launches in to criticizing the decision, this is your first chance to draw the line around your baby family and say 'FI and I have made this decision. We're happy, we love each other, and we want to get married.'

Since we don't know much about you, other that you've been dating your BF for about a year, why don't you tell us some more... How old are you? What part of the country do you live in? Do you like wine? How do you like your potatoes?

Thanks, that's very helpful!

Sometimes with my friend it's hard to remember who this is really about, YKWIM??

I completed the questionaire above, but I'm 32 and live in New York state.  I'm not big on wine, but I've tried to start training myself to drink it socially - I like moscato and that's about it! lol

I like lots of potatoes, but usually I get french fries.

These comments refer, in order, to the bolded sections above:

1- Oh, she's one of THOSE kinds of friends? Ugh.

2- Where in NYS? I'm from the home of the Nick Tahou's garbage plate and Kodak.

3- Not big on wine?? You redeemed yourself by at least drinking Moscato.

4- I approve.

phira

J and I fight, and it can escalate really quickly. We always end up making up before the end of the night, although it's out of necessity: his anxiety means he won't be able to function if he thinks I hate him (OCD really fucking sucks), and knowing that he can't function prevents me from sleeping.

I've gotta see some of these pups! My mom has a dog named Harley, although he's still a puppy and he's a HUGE brat. Adorable, but such a pain!

Jen Lancaster is the BEST. Such a Pretty Fat is one of my favorite books ever.

luckya23

TwoDimes said:

Hi, welcome!

I love that you have a Beta named Hercules, that's hilarious! I request pics of your pups, please

I might be the only person in the world that thinks this, but I'm always a little leery when people say they have never had a bad day with their SO, or that they never fight. It's completely normal to disagree sometimes, because we aren't all wired to think the same way about everything. I think it's a healthy part of relationships to be able to disagree sometimes, and have arguments that don't end the relationship, as long as both parties fight fairly. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that. But if it were me, I wouldn't feel ready to be married to someone if I wasn't sure that we could survive a fight, KWIM?

I'm with PPs in that I don't quite understand why your friend would be so distraught about you getting engaged. I understand if you are worried about her being a little jealous, but that's not such a big deal. Is there more to it than that?

Sorry, I missed you in the flurry of things I was trying to answer!  I don't know how to post pics, though!

I can't really disagree with you on the not fighting thing - but in my last relationship it was such a normal part of every day life, I thought THAT was normal at the time!

Talking to SO last night, I mentioned that I thought it would be good if we did pre-marriage counseling even if it's not required (I think it is in the Catholic church), just because we've never really had a big fight or anything... And he was like well what about that time getting the new couch?  I said well that wasn't really a fight, it was just a stressful situation... And he said well I thought I was fighting with you!!

LOL, ooops!

But we're glad to have the couch now, so I guess it turned out fine!

We have disagreed about things, but we always come to a solution without any drama.  The most angry I've ever been with him was when he ate my cookies and put the empty box back in the cabinet, so it's pretty trivial stuff!  Nothing to ruin a day or continue being mad...

It's mostly just a general negativity with my friend, and I know she has these long timelines in her head... Honestly, before I met SO, I would have thought it would be madness to get engaged before 2 years, so I can sort of understand where she's coming from! 

But we are also older now and have more life experience than if we were say fresh out of college or something... I've learned a lot in my past relationships, that's for sure! 

 

 

luckya23

@GoldenPenguin, I live in Poughkeepsie!

GoldenPenguin

Not too far away!

Your whole description of your "fights," along with @severmilli12‌, is just like my relationship with BF. The other night I got mad at him because he ate the last of the ice cream (I was on the phone with @Swazzle‌, so she can confirm this). That's about as serious as our fights get. Because he eats all the ice cream. I can live with it.

carliealissa

@severmilli12, I don't think I can agree that a "real" friend wouldn't be jealous.  My FI took over 5 years to propose, and in that time of dating we watched plenty of good friends and family members meet each other, get engaged, get married, and even have babies.  Being honest here, I felt both jealous and annoyed that they were "rushing into" all these things (a result of the jealousy).  You could argue that that means I'm not a real friend, but I do try to be a good friend, and I wasn't mean and I didn't rain on their parade.  I acted thrilled for them and I was thrilled for them.  Feelings are valid.

OP, welcome!!  I agree with PP's, let's cross that bridge when you get to it, hopefully she won't react the way you are anticipating and it will be a non-issue.  There's a big difference between maybe feeling jealous inside because of your own situation and using that to ruin things for you or let it affect your friendship.

BreMR

I am always 99% happy and 1% jealous for people who get engaged  I even tell my friends that when they come to me with an engagement.  There are a few people who, when the time comes, I will dread telling a little bit.. but mostly because I fear I will mostly hear "about time!" and not in a funny kind of way. 

I agree with most everything stated above me.. don't stress.. it'll all work out! 

luckya23

phira said:

J and I fight, and it can escalate really quickly. We always end up making up before the end of the night, although it's out of necessity: his anxiety means he won't be able to function if he thinks I hate him (OCD really fucking sucks), and knowing that he can't function prevents me from sleeping.

I've gotta see some of these pups! My mom has a dog named Harley, although he's still a puppy and he's a HUGE brat. Adorable, but such a pain!

Jen Lancaster is the BEST. Such a Pretty Fat is one of my favorite books ever.

phira said:

J and I fight, and it can escalate really quickly. We always end up making up before the end of the night, although it's out of necessity: his anxiety means he won't be able to function if he thinks I hate him (OCD really fucking sucks), and knowing that he can't function prevents me from sleeping.

I've gotta see some of these pups! My mom has a dog named Harley, although he's still a puppy and he's a HUGE brat. Adorable, but such a pain!

Jen Lancaster is the BEST. Such a Pretty Fat is one of my favorite books ever.

Oops, just saw you too!

Don't know how to put a photo though :-(

My Harley is a girl though - she came with that name, I adopted her at 8 years old.

SAPF was def not my fave, I liked Bright Lights, Big Ass a lot better... I want to read the martha stewart one, but I can't because I know her dog dies in it, and it's too soon for me :-(

luckya23

GoldenPenguin said:

Not too far away! Your whole description of your "fights," along with @severmilli12‌, is just like my relationship with BF. The other night I got mad at him because he ate the last of the ice cream (I was on the phone with @Swazzle‌, so she can confirm this). That's about as serious as our fights get. Because he eats all the ice cream. I can live with it.

Do you live with your BF?  I don't live with mine so these were very clearly MY cookies!! lol

luckya23

SO here's the update:

I "sort of" told her, because she was going off complaining that I hadn't already discussed with him that he should pay half of our trip next week, and I said well he is shopping for a ring for me, so I'm not stressing about it since that's a lot of money compared to the hotel bill for 5 days.  (She said well only if he gets a real diamond.)

She said it's only been a year and he's desperate and "latching on" because he hasn't had many (enough?) relationships before me. 

She also told me how glad she is that her family doesn't care if she ever gets married, and she would be just as happy not bothering.  Oh, and my family would push me off on a bum if it meant I would be married already, just look how they think my brother in law is a prince when he is clearly not.  (Mind you, my family doesn't know anything about this.) 

So yeah, it went about as I expected.  :-P 

luckya23

Dignity100 said:

Honestly - Your friend probably will have mixed emotions; mostly happy for you but I'm guessing there will be 'pings' of jealousy too; we're girls and we get that way!  She should be able to hold those emotions in and only show you the joyous emotions though... unless she has some reservations against you and your BF (doesn't like him, getting married to young, or something to that nature).

If you're really worried, why not tell her about your shopping and start getting her used to the idea?

 

 

 

Yup, I tried to get her used to it!  Now I might as well not mention it anymore... I feel like I did my duty to not spring it on her, but I don't think she'll be much use through the process!

 

She doesn't really know him, and we're certainly not young! (I'm 32!)

lavenderfields13

Kelani23 said:

SO here's the update:

I "sort of" told her, because she was going off complaining that I hadn't already discussed with him that he should pay half of our trip next week, and I said well he is shopping for a ring for me, so I'm not stressing about it since that's a lot of money compared to the hotel bill for 5 days.  (She said well only if he gets a real diamond.)

She said it's only been a year and he's desperate and "latching on" because he hasn't had many (enough?) relationships before me. 

She also told me how glad she is that her family doesn't care if she ever gets married, and she would be just as happy not bothering.  Oh, and my family would push me off on a bum if it meant I would be married already, just look how they think my brother in law is a prince when he is clearly not.  (Mind you, my family doesn't know anything about this.) 

So yeah, it went about as I expected.  :-P 

Well she certainly doesn't hold back how she feels, huh? She kind of seems like a toxic friend but you said you guys still talk all the time so there must be something there that keeps you in contact with her. 

What does your family think of your BF? If you guys are happy and you know this is the right time for you guys then that's all that matters.

I have to admit I've always been one of those people who says people are rushing. I was also bitter because FI took over 6 1/2 years to propose lol.

I've also noticed whenever I hear people say they never "fight" with their SO it's always people that haven't been dating for several years. Maybe there hasn't been enough time for anything significant to come up to actually fight over. FI and I bicker all the time. It's pretty much how we function. I feel like we're an old married couple already haha.

BreMR

My bf and I get called the Bickersons by his family Mostly we razz each other for giggles, not necessarily out of actual fighting. We don't fight often.. but we have had a few doozies.. they happen about once a year. Meanwhile, @Kelani23, your friend seems like a real peach. How kind of her to basically say you're only getting married because your family wants you to.. :-/

bethsmiles

Kelani23 said:

SO here's the update:

I "sort of" told her, because she was going off complaining that I hadn't already discussed with him that he should pay half of our trip next week, and I said well he is shopping for a ring for me, so I'm not stressing about it since that's a lot of money compared to the hotel bill for 5 days.  (She said well only if he gets a real diamond.)

She said it's only been a year and he's desperate and "latching on" because he hasn't had many (enough?) relationships before me. 

She also told me how glad she is that her family doesn't care if she ever gets married, and she would be just as happy not bothering.  Oh, and my family would push me off on a bum if it meant I would be married already, just look how they think my brother in law is a prince when he is clearly not.  (Mind you, my family doesn't know anything about this.) 

So yeah, it went about as I expected.  :-P 

Wow. I'm sorry but what a bitch. Why are you friends with someone like that?

I've seen so many of my friends get engaged before me and while there might have been momentary twinges of jealousy I was always thrilled for them and there is NO WAY I would ever say such hurtful things to any of my friends, especially my best friend.

luckya23

It probably sounds worse than she meant it - I still took it like "Oh well I wouldn't want that anyway!" guessing that she probably does and doesn't want to admit it, since she seems unlikely to get it with her SO.  But she's also very private with the current status of her relationship, so I don't really know.  Maybe I'd just rather think the best of her comments :-P

My family doesn't dislike him, but they don't go out of their way to get to know him to love him either.  Oddly, my grandfather of all people asked me this morning right after I posted the OP and was on my way to the doctor with him if I thought he was the one!  My friend is right that my grandparents want to see me married before they are gone, and my parents and sister want me to start having kids, so I guess they are in favor for the wrong reasons, as my friend said.  Short answer is that even though we live in the same town, they aren't close.

I've always been an anti-rushing person too, so I do understand!

luckya23

bethsmiles said:Wow. I'm sorry but what a bitch. Why are you friends with someone like that?

I've seen so many of my friends get engaged before me and while there might have been momentary twinges of jealousy I was always thrilled for them and there is NO WAY I would ever say such hurtful things to any of my friends, especially my best friend.

We've just stayed friends since high school... more out of loyalty I suppose than anything we have in common anymore - - except for shopping!

I lose touch with most of my friends as the years go by, but this one has hung in there for whatever reason!

For years she's been treated as part of my family since hers really sucks, so she's more like a cousin, but that has not been the case so much since my brother in law entered the picture about 3 years ago - she can't stand him. 

I mostly hear bitterness and jealousy in her comments, and feel bad for her.... but I still don't need the negativity, KWIM?!

GoldenPenguin

@leese19‌ - that's really judgmental, honestly. BF & I have been together for over a year & a half, moved in after six months, and have had plenty of experiences together. I'm not saying that we'll never fight, or that we don't ever disagree or bicker, but just because we haven't been together for years and years doesn't make it less valid because we haven't been together long enough to fight. We share the same views on just about anything controversial, and we live together very easily. It just works, and I don't think we need to fight in order to prove that.

@Kelani21‌ I'm sorry your friend was a jerk. It sounds like she'll just do anything to avoid being happy for you, and that sucks.