Can you help me lighten up?

grumbledore

I've noticed over the past few months that while I am happy about getting married, what I feel most is the weight and seriousness of my decision.  Not like I am second-guessing it, but just that I am constantly aware of it.  I feel like I should be all sunshine and butterflies and I'm all "FI's parents might have to live with us when they are old/someday one of us is going to die/holy crap babies/eventually this is the person I am going to share a mortgage with/etc/etc/etc" - no rainbows.

I'd like to feel just a little idealistic about it!  For like, an hour a day?  Did/does anyone else feel this way?

mschristie123

FI and I always joke about the vows I would write if we were writing our own. He is *much* more romantic/idealistic than me in general, and I'm more of the serious/pessimist/realistic one. We talk about how his vows would be flowery and adorable and we would both cry, and mine would go something like this: "I vow to love you when you're ugly, and fat, and when we're both pathetic. I vow to still love you even when I don't like you anymore and I promise to take care of you when you're sick and dying and don't remember me."

Like seriously. These are things I talk about when it comes to marrying him. I'm so much more morose and feel the seriousness of my decision all the time. I'm not very idealistic and dreamy about it (but that's just me in general). Though, as the wedding is getting closer and closer, I do have moments where I get giddy and do a little happy dance.

theartistformerlyknownas

I don't know, but here are some puppies to cheer you up. http://sophiegamand.com/wet-dog/

MinnieLovesMiki

I was the same way, especially prior to and just after applying for the marriage license and having my new name put on it. Now it's almost the opposite though; with the wedding less than two weeks away, I'm super excited to be marrying my best friend and then after I get a super excited feeling, I then feel a little guilty about my giddiness because it is such a large decision and maybe it should be thought of more seriously.

I'd say at 5 months out, those "weighty" types of feelings are normal though. I wouldn't worry too much about it since you said you aren't second guessing the decision. :-)

JennyColada

I'm a good mix of being in the middle. Like, I've spoken to Fi about what should happen if I die and where my emergency papers are and I'm pretty open about things like that with him. That stuff is very NOT romantic. But then I do get giddy sometimes, so it's not ALL harsh reality.

But I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm generally a logical thinker, and when people ask me about if I ever feel like my partner is "too good for me" I'm like "well, no. I think he's good, and I think he's a good partner, but he's not perfect by any means." Sometimes I worry that people who don't know me well will think that I don't love Fi just because I'm not constantly gushy about how he's "omg the best man ever in the world and I don't deserve him, etc. etc."

grumbledore

mschristie123 said:

FI and I always joke about the vows I would write if we were writing our own. He is *much* more romantic/idealistic than me in general, and I'm more of the serious/pessimist/realistic one. We talk about how his vows would be flowery and adorable and we would both cry, and mine would go something like this: "I vow to love you when you're ugly, and fat, and when we're both pathetic. I vow to still love you even when I don't like you anymore and I promise to take care of you when you're sick and dying and don't remember me."

Like seriously. These are things I talk about when it comes to marrying him. I'm so much more morose and feel the seriousness of my decision all the time. I'm not very idealistic and dreamy about it (but that's just me in general). Though, as the wedding is getting closer and closer, I do have moments where I get giddy and do a little happy dance.

THIS!  This is exactly how I feel.  But I would like to enjoy the silly big dress and all this crap while I can! 

grumbledore

lolo883 said:

I don't know, but here are some puppies to cheer you up. http://sophiegamand.com/wet-dog/

Holy crap.  This is amazing.

climbingsingle

I had a moment of that a few weeks ago. This is my second marriage, so for a good few minutes, I was thinking, "Holy shit, I'm getting married for the second time. What if this one doesn't work out either?"

I know it's not easy, but try pushing those other thoughts out of your mind. You'll have many more years to worry about that stuff. Live in the moment! Enjoy being engaged! 

JennyColada

o_O

grumbledore

ClimbingBrideNY said: I had a moment of that a few weeks ago. This is my second marriage, so for a good few minutes, I was thinking, "Holy shit, I'm getting married for the second time. What if this one doesn't work out either?"
I know it's not easy, but try pushing those other thoughts out of your mind. You'll have many more years to worry about that stuff. Live in the moment! Enjoy being engaged! 

I think that's a big part of it for me.  I didn't think about any of that stuff before I got married the first time.  It literally never occurred to me to think "this is forever, and this is what forever actually means" and it all fell apart.  But I am going to try to focus on the "in the now" parts, because I feel like I am missing out on something.

climbingsingle

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I had a moment of that a few weeks ago. This is my second marriage, so for a good few minutes, I was thinking, "Holy shit, I'm getting married for the second time. What if this one doesn't work out either?"

I know it's not easy, but try pushing those other thoughts out of your mind. You'll have many more years to worry about that stuff. Live in the moment! Enjoy being engaged! 

I think that's a big part of it for me.  I didn't think about any of that stuff before I got married the first time.  It literally never occurred to me to think "this is forever, and this is what forever actually means" and it all fell apart.  But I am going to try to focus on the "in the now" parts, because I feel like I am missing out on something.

Quote box not working. I know what you mean. My first marriage was 10 years ago. I didn't think about any of that stuff either. I was almost just going through the motions of being an adult - we lived together, we then bought a house together, then, "Ok, now let's get married." 

jdluvr06

I understand where you're coming from to an extent. Just try to focus on the happy parts. I've been having a bit of trouble hanging on to the happy parts as the day gets closer. I have it in my head that something horrible is going to happen.

SapphireCounselor

grumbledore said:

I've noticed over the past few months that while I am happy about getting married, what I feel most is the weight and seriousness of my decision.  Not like I am second-guessing it, but just that I am constantly aware of it.  I feel like I should be all sunshine and butterflies and I'm to live with us when they are old/someday one of us is going to die/holy crap babies/eventually this is the person I am going to share a mortgage with/etc/etc/etc" - no rainbows.

I'd like to feel just a little idealistic about it!  For like, an hour a day?  Did/does anyone else feel this way?

I thought a lot about this stuff too before I got married. It may sound strange but I actually really enjoyed thinking about the practical aspects of our life together - the fun stuff anyway, like buying a home or having kids. I became more and more idealistic about these things in fact. It was a relief knowing that I would now have a partner and that I wouldn't be facing life's struggles alone. I really enjoyed that feeling.

sarawifenow

lolo883 said:

I don't know, but here are some puppies to cheer you up. http://sophiegamand.com/wet-dog/

Favorite thing ever! SO funny!

smalfrie19

grumbledore said:

I've noticed over the past few months that while I am happy about getting married, what I feel most is the weight and seriousness of my decision.  Not like I am second-guessing it, but just that I am constantly aware of it.  I feel like I should be all sunshine and butterflies and I'm all "FI's parents might have to live with us when they are old/someday one of us is going to die/holy crap babies/eventually this is the person I am going to share a mortgage with/etc/etc/etc" - no rainbows.

I'd like to feel just a little idealistic about it!  For like, an hour a day?  Did/does anyone else feel this way?

I had all these thoughts the other night. It really bummed me out.

CMGragain

grumbledore said:

I've noticed over the past few months that while I am happy about getting married, what I feel most is the weight and seriousness of my decision.  Not like I am second-guessing it, but just that I am constantly aware of it.  I feel like I should be all sunshine and butterflies and I'm all "FI's parents might have to live with us when they are old/someday one of us is going to die/holy crap babies/eventually this is the person I am going to share a mortgage with/etc/etc/etc" - no rainbows.

I'd like to feel just a little idealistic about it!  For like, an hour a day?  Did/does anyone else feel this way?

Grumbledore, after all the great advice you have given on the Knot, I'm happy to help YOU!

You all know that I am an old lady of 63, and I have been married for almost 38 years.  When I married DH, there were no rainbows.  I had survived a very destructive relationship of four years, and I was walking wounded for another two.
The minister was very unhappy that, due to distance, he couldn't counsel us together.  I went to him by myself.  He asked me some very direct questions.  "Do you love this man?"
I thought, "I can't lie to a minister."  I looked straight at him and said, "I don't know."
He let out a big sigh, and said "Why aren't you sure?"
"Because I thought I was in love before, and that man broke me into tiny little pieces and stomped on them.  My mother thought she was in love with her ex-husband.  My sister is in the process of getting a divorce, and she thought she was in love with her husband, too.  Well, if that's love, I can do without it!"  I was sure he was going to say that he wouldn't marry us.
"What DO you want?"
"I'm sooo tired.  I want peace.  I want respect.  I want to build a life with someone who wants the same things that I do.  This man is offering me that.  No twittering birds.  No dreams of rainbows."
Suddenly, the minister broke into a huge grin.  "Great!" he said.  "You are ready!  The first ones to get divorced are the ones who are sure that everything is going to be wonderful!"
Grumbledore, you sound like me 38 years ago.  I think you are ready.  Don't buy into the wedding industry crap.  Don't think that you have to feel a certain way to get married.

This morning I woke up with a cat on my feet, and my fat, bald husband snoring with his arms wrapped around me.  I love him - really love him!  Not rainbows and unicorns and twittering birds love, but deep respect and friendship love that lasts through the years.  Do I ever get mad at him?  Of course I do.  He can do jerk face things.  Does he ever get mad at me?  Yes, usually over stupid little stuff, like I didn't put the cap back on the laundry detergent tightly enough to suit him.  When his mother died, I was there for him.  When our son almost died at birth, we were there for each other.  When I was diagnosed with stage 3+ breast cancer, he was there for me.   When our daughter was married, he was there to walk her down the aisle as a proud father.
It isn't about the wedding twitter moments.  It is about your preparation for your real life together.
OK, he just stuck his head in and snarked about the laundry.  I really love him.

grumbledore

CMGragain said:

grumbledore said:

I've noticed over the past few months that while I am happy about getting married, what I feel most is the weight and seriousness of my decision.  Not like I am second-guessing it, but just that I am constantly aware of it.  I feel like I should be all sunshine and butterflies and I'm all "FI's parents might have to live with us when they are old/someday one of us is going to die/holy crap babies/eventually this is the person I am going to share a mortgage with/etc/etc/etc" - no rainbows.

I'd like to feel just a little idealistic about it!  For like, an hour a day?  Did/does anyone else feel this way?

Grumbledore, after all the great advice you have given on the Knot, I'm happy to help YOU!

You all know that I am an old lady of 63, and I have been married for almost 38 years.  When I married DH, there were no rainbows.  I had survived a very destructive relationship of four years, and I was walking wounded for another two.
The minister was very unhappy that, due to distance, he couldn't counsel us together.  I went to him by myself.  He asked me some very direct questions.  "Do you love this man?"
I thought, "I can't lie to a minister."  I looked straight at him and said, "I don't know."
He let out a big sigh, and said "Why aren't you sure?"
"Because I thought I was in love before, and that man broke me into tiny little pieces and stomped on them.  My mother thought she was in love with her ex-husband.  My sister is in the process of getting a divorce, and she thought she was in love with her husband, too.  Well, if that's love, I can do without it!"  I was sure he was going to say that he wouldn't marry us.
"What DO you want?"
"I'm sooo tired.  I want peace.  I want respect.  I want to build a life with someone who wants the same things that I do.  This man is offering me that.  No twittering birds.  No dreams of rainbows."
Suddenly, the minister broke into a huge grin.  "Great!" he said.  "You are ready!  The first ones to get divorced are the ones who are sure that everything is going to be wonderful!"
Grumbledore, you sound like me 38 years ago.  I think you are ready.  Don't buy into the wedding industry crap.  Don't think that you have to feel a certain way to get married.

This morning I woke up with a cat on my feet, and my fat, bald husband snoring with his arms wrapped around me.  I love him - really love him!  Not rainbows and unicorns and twittering birds love, but deep respect and friendship love that lasts through the years.  Do I ever get mad at him?  Of course I do.  He can do jerk face things.  Does he ever get mad at me?  Yes, usually over stupid little stuff, like I didn't put the cap back on the laundry detergent tightly enough to suit him.  When his mother died, I was there for him.  When our son almost died at birth, we were there for each other.  When I was diagnosed with stage 3+ breast cancer, he was there for me.   When our daughter was married, he was there to walk her down the aisle as a proud father.
It isn't about the wedding twitter moments.  It is about your preparation for your real life together.
OK, he just stuck his head in and snarked about the laundry.  I really love him.

You just made me feel so much better.  Your post reminded me of that song from Fiddler on the Roof - 

(Tevye)
Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married
And this trouble in the town
You're upset, you're worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it's indigestion

(Tevye)
"Golde I'm asking you a question..."

Do you love me?

(Golde)
You're a fool

(Tevye)
"I know..."

But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you? 
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

(Tevye)
Golde, The first time I met you 
Was on our wedding day
I was scared

(Golde)
I was shy

(Tevye)
I was nervous

(Golde)
So was I

(Tevye)
But my father and my mother
Said we'd learn to love each other
And now I'm asking, Golde
Do you love me?

(Golde)
I'm your wife

(Tevye)
"I know..."
But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that's not love, what is?

(Tevye)
Then you love me?

(Golde)
I suppose I do

(Tevye)
And I suppose I love you too

(Both)
It change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know

iloveotters2014

I was all puppies and sunshine and rainbows until I went to pick up the marriage license. In my state both parties don't have to be there so I went for the both of us.

I was all fine until I went through this crazy security line...I couldnt bring my phone down with me....and then I was in this little dark room waiting for my name to get called to give them our documents. It like REALLY sank in. And it was weird and I was literally panicking. They had me call my fiance because I forgot is SS number and that helped a ton. Sometimes you just need your guy to bring you back down to earth. After that I was fine and the day of the wedding no nerves at all. It was weird.

theartistformerlyknownas

@CMGragain... I know we don't always agree but that was the best thing you've ever said. I got all shivery.

HisGirlFriday13

One of my favourite movies is the orIginla 'Yours, Mine, and Ours.' In one scene, the daughter is saying her boyfriend is saying if she loved him she'd sleep with him.

Yours, Mine and Ours : Quotes
Colleen North: [Helen is about to have a baby] I know this is a terrible time to talk about it, but Larry says...

Frank Beardsley: I've got a message for Larry. You tell him this is what it's all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.

Helen North: What are you two talking about?

Frank Beardsley: Take a good look at your mother.

Helen North: Not now!

Frank Beardsley: Yes, now.

[to Colleen]

Frank Beardsley: It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love in, it's the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and... ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else: it isn't going to a bed with a man that proves you're in love with him; it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.

[Leaving the house, they say good-bye to the little kids]

Frank Beardsley: I suppose having 19 kids is carrying it a bit too far, but if we had it to do over who would we skip... you?
Helen North: [getting into the car] Thank you, Frank. I never quite knew how to explain it to her.

Frank Beardsley: If we don't get you to the hospital fast, the rest of it's going to be explained right here!

Love -- and marriage -- are about the hard stuff. You know that. You'll be great.

phira

Every time we spend time with my future sister-in-law, I definitely end up in that montage from Scrubs where Dr. Cox and Jordan find out they're still married and they have a billion fights because they don't want to deal with things "for their rest of my life."

SmileDamnit

lolo883 said:

@CMGragain... I know we don't always agree but that was the best thing you've ever said. I got all shivery.

Ditto this times a bazillion!

grumbledore

You just about made me cry at my desk right now HGF.  That's exactly how I feel about it.  The fun stuff is great, but getting married isn't about having fun - it's about deciding to deal with everything that sucks in life together - and facing the fact that most likely one day, one of you will have to keep dealing with it alone.  And that's amazing.  And terrifying.

grumbledore

And I stole it for my signature.

wandajune6

Absolutely. FI's diabetic and has a father who died a slow, horrible death from a genetic issue. He's got a son with issues who lives with us. I'm going to end up with Alzheimer's (it runs on both sides of the family). I have crazy student loan debt. He still needs to finish school. My grandmother requires tons of work from my parents and I expect that we'll need to do the same for mine. His mom will be a financial drain on us. We know all of baggage that the other brings to the table.

We're both fully aware of the seriousness of this commitment. FI's first marriage was a stupid move when he was very young and he's still dealing with the consequences. We're older (mid/late 30's) and we're both committed to making this work.

And it scares the shit out of me.

We love each other very much but we've made it a point to fight out all of our big concerns/issues/etc. before we get married. Heck, we've even had the whole "are you absolutely certain you want this" talk since getting engaged (i.e. after a major incident with his son and a big issue with my family). It's paranoid but we both take it so seriously that we're being cautious.

I've seen so many people who got married because they were ready to get married and spent more time planning their wedding than thinking through what they really wanted from the relationship. I think your apprehension just means that you're taking this commitment seriously. I don't think that's a bad thing. You just need to make sure that your anxiety isn't a sign of any deeper issues.

When I get anxious about getting married, I just think about who I want to have with me when things get bad. I can't imagine not having him by my side.

theartistformerlyknownas

grumbledore said:

And I stole it for my signature.

I'm jealous of all you people who can just change your siggie on a whim. I have never been able to get mine to work correctly... KP had to add my JLaw gif. No ticker for me!

grumbledore

lolo883 said:

grumbledore said:

And I stole it for my signature.

I'm jealous of all you people who can just change your siggie on a whim. I have never been able to get mine to work correctly... KP had to add my JLaw gif. No ticker for me!

I never could until today - if you look up to your top right, there are 4 little icons - a little planet thing, an inbox, something else, and then a little person icon.  Click the person icon.  Then on the left there will be a thing that says "Signature Settings" or something like that - click it an edit there.

It's never been like that for me before, must be part of the update.

arrippa

grumbledore said:

lolo883 said:

grumbledore said:

And I stole it for my signature.

I'm jealous of all you people who can just change your siggie on a whim. I have never been able to get mine to work correctly... KP had to add my JLaw gif. No ticker for me!

I never could until today - if you look up to your top right, there are 4 little icons - a little planet thing, an inbox, something else, and then a little person icon.  Click the person icon.  Then on the left there will be a thing that says "Signature Settings" or something like that - click it an edit there.

It's never been like that for me before, must be part of the update.

I thought it has always been there as I clicked it awhile ago to hide signatures.

theartistformerlyknownas

grumbledore said:

lolo883 said:

grumbledore said:

And I stole it for my signature.

I'm jealous of all you people who can just change your siggie on a whim. I have never been able to get mine to work correctly... KP had to add my JLaw gif. No ticker for me!

I never could until today - if you look up to your top right, there are 4 little icons - a little planet thing, an inbox, something else, and then a little person icon.  Click the person icon.  Then on the left there will be a thing that says "Signature Settings" or something like that - click it an edit there.

It's never been like that for me before, must be part of the update.

Sorcery. I'll try later.

HisGirlFriday13

grumbledore said:

You just about made me cry at my desk right now HGF.  That's exactly how I feel about it.  The fun stuff is great, but getting married isn't about having fun - it's about deciding to deal with everything that sucks in life together - and facing the fact that most likely one day, one of you will have to keep dealing with it alone.  And that's amazing.  And terrifying.

You're welcome! I put part of that quote in my letter to DH on our wedding day. (I have written him a letter every week since our engagement.)

I said that I was ready for the good, the bad, and the ugly -- the orthodontist and the plumber and having ground round instead of steak and being up all night with a colicky baby and having crappy days and taking care of each other when we were old and decrepit or when I was a bazillion months pregnant because it was waking up everyday with him as my partner that mattered.

mschristie123

CMGragain said:

grumbledore said:

I've noticed over the past few months that while I am happy about getting married, what I feel most is the weight and seriousness of my decision.  Not like I am second-guessing it, but just that I am constantly aware of it.  I feel like I should be all sunshine and butterflies and I'm all "FI's parents might have to live with us when they are old/someday one of us is going to die/holy crap babies/eventually this is the person I am going to share a mortgage with/etc/etc/etc" - no rainbows.

I'd like to feel just a little idealistic about it!  For like, an hour a day?  Did/does anyone else feel this way?

Grumbledore, after all the great advice you have given on the Knot, I'm happy to help YOU!

You all know that I am an old lady of 63, and I have been married for almost 38 years.  When I married DH, there were no rainbows.  I had survived a very destructive relationship of four years, and I was walking wounded for another two.
The minister was very unhappy that, due to distance, he couldn't counsel us together.  I went to him by myself.  He asked me some very direct questions.  "Do you love this man?"
I thought, "I can't lie to a minister."  I looked straight at him and said, "I don't know."
He let out a big sigh, and said "Why aren't you sure?"
"Because I thought I was in love before, and that man broke me into tiny little pieces and stomped on them.  My mother thought she was in love with her ex-husband.  My sister is in the process of getting a divorce, and she thought she was in love with her husband, too.  Well, if that's love, I can do without it!"  I was sure he was going to say that he wouldn't marry us.
"What DO you want?"
"I'm sooo tired.  I want peace.  I want respect.  I want to build a life with someone who wants the same things that I do.  This man is offering me that.  No twittering birds.  No dreams of rainbows."
Suddenly, the minister broke into a huge grin.  "Great!" he said.  "You are ready!  The first ones to get divorced are the ones who are sure that everything is going to be wonderful!"
Grumbledore, you sound like me 38 years ago.  I think you are ready.  Don't buy into the wedding industry crap.  Don't think that you have to feel a certain way to get married.

This morning I woke up with a cat on my feet, and my fat, bald husband snoring with his arms wrapped around me.  I love him - really love him!  Not rainbows and unicorns and twittering birds love, but deep respect and friendship love that lasts through the years.  Do I ever get mad at him?  Of course I do.  He can do jerk face things.  Does he ever get mad at me?  Yes, usually over stupid little stuff, like I didn't put the cap back on the laundry detergent tightly enough to suit him.  When his mother died, I was there for him.  When our son almost died at birth, we were there for each other.  When I was diagnosed with stage 3+ breast cancer, he was there for me.   When our daughter was married, he was there to walk her down the aisle as a proud father.
It isn't about the wedding twitter moments.  It is about your preparation for your real life together.
OK, he just stuck his head in and snarked about the laundry.  I really love him.

CMGragain I totally choked up reading that. That's exactly what I want for my marriage!