Vent-I think I'm going to look into counseling-long post sorry

afox007

I was planning to finally update everyone that FI's divorce was finalized this week since you have all been so supportive. Instead I think I will listen to everyone who have thrown up red flags on other posts and suggested counseling

FI had gotten out of a really long and shitty marriage before we got together and had only been with a few women prior to her. I have always viewed sex and love differently and told him he had a get out of jail free pass to fool around before settling down with me.

I got on our computer a few days ago and thought I was logged in on my Facebook when I clicked on messages. Instead I found a thread from him and the last girl he was with (who I dumbly suggested he hook up with). She was talking about him coming to visit and "sweep me off my feet" and he admitted he'd been thinking about her earlier that day.

Part of me wants to think that he said that to sound like the good guy instead of "oh shit my one night stand has feelings", but part of me has always worried that once I worked out his divorce for him ( I filled out and filed ALL the paperwork) he would realize he wasn't ready for a huge commitment.

Since I discovered the fb messages he has seemed distant and I can't tell if he really is or of I'm concocting it because I read those messages. I know at this point there's definitely a need for counseling, but any other advice would be appreciated.

Cliff notes: FI is finally divorced and I think he has feelings for someone I told him to sleep with.

ETA- I appolgize if I made zero sense or have typos I am drunkenly knotting on my phone.

CMGragain

afox007 said:

I was planning to finally update everyone that FI's divorce was finalized this week since you have all been so supportive. Instead I think I will listen to everyone who have thrown up red flags on other posts and suggested counseling FI had gotten out of a really long and shitty marriage before we got together and had only been with a few women prior to her. I have always viewed sex and love differently and told him he had a get out of jail free pass to fool around before settling down with me. I got on our computer a few days ago and thought I was logged in on my Facebook when I clicked on messages. Instead I found a thread from him and the last girl he was with (who I dumbly suggested he hook up with). She was talking about him coming to visit and "sweep me off my feet" and he admitted he'd been thinking about her earlier that day. Part of me wants to think that he said that to sound like the good guy instead of "oh shit my one night stand has feelings", but part of me has always worried that once I worked out his divorce for him ( I filled out and filed ALL the paperwork) he would realize he wasn't ready for a huge commitment. Since I discovered the fb messages he has seemed distant and I can't tell if he really is or of I'm concocting it because I read those messages. I know at this point there's definitely a need for counseling, but any other advice would be appreciated. Cliff notes: FI is finally divorced and I think he has feelings for someone I told him to sleep with. ETA- I appolgize if I made zero sense or have typos I am drunkenly knotting on my phone.

You should definitely go to counseling.  I think that you need to work out what you need in a relationship.
Personally, I could not be happy in a relationship that was non-exclusive.  Commitment is the strength of my marriage.  Good luck with your self discovery.

afox007

Irony is funny. @CMGragain I was thinking about you as I posted this since you questioned me being engaged to someone who was still legally married.

I was totally happy with a non-exclusive relationship until I read the fb messages. I have never felt sex and love were an all or nothing deal. Since I knew he felt he had wasted over a decade of his life on his ex I was ok with "sowing his wild oats". It was the fb thread that made me worry he grew feeling for one of them.

We have been together for 2 years and he has used his free pass 3 times and I had zero problems with it until i saw his fb. In fact I enjoyed us sitting over a bottle of wine talking about his exploits.

Aside from my new found concern everything about him and our relationship IS what I want and need. I also know that commitment is the strength of a marriage which was why I gave his free pass an expiration.

jdluvr06

I'm sorry you're having these issues. Sending you tons of hugs.

SapphireCounselor

afox007 said:

I was planning to finally update everyone that FI's divorce was finalized this week since you have all been so supportive. Instead I think I will listen to everyone who have thrown up red flags on other posts and suggested counseling

FI had gotten out of a really long and shitty marriage before we got together and had only been with a few women prior to her. I have always viewed sex and love differently and told him he had a get out of jail free pass to fool around before settling down with me.

I got on our computer a few days ago and thought I was logged in on my Facebook when I clicked on messages. Instead I found a thread from him and the last girl he was with (who I dumbly suggested he hook up with). She was talking about him coming to visit and "sweep me off my feet" and he admitted he'd been thinking about her earlier that day.

Part of me wants to think that he said that to sound like the good guy instead of "oh shit my one night stand has feelings", but part of me has always worried that once I worked out his divorce for him ( I filled out and filed ALL the paperwork) he would realize he wasn't ready for a huge commitment.

Since I discovered the fb messages he has seemed distant and I can't tell if he really is or of I'm concocting it because I read those messages. I know at this point there's definitely a need for counseling, but any other advice would be appreciated.

Cliff notes: FI is finally divorced and I think he has feelings for someone I told him to sleep with.

ETA- I appolgize if I made zero sense or have typos I am drunkenly knotting on my phone.

I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. If any silver lining can be said to come from this situation it is the fact that it has helped you realize that you are less comfortable with fluid boundaries in yoir relationship than you thought. Personally I think marriage and being engaged as a couple is hard enough without introducing other people into the mix to complicate matters. Commitment and trust are incredibly important...having outside relationships seriously undermines this.

RebeccaFlower

Sorry you're having issues. 

Can I be nosy? I am truly just curious and non-judgmental... Please don't answer if you're uncomfortable. What would the arrangement be after your get married? Do you also have these free passes? If you're planning on staying open, why is marriage something you want? 

CLoGreenEyes

I am so sorry you are going through this. Lots of hugs.

Your story illustrates why it's so important to take care of yourself in a relationship first. It was a kind gesture for you to extend a free pass to him, but it ignores the fact that you eventually want exclusivity and trust. Those things may end up being harder to gain now that you have questions about his feelings for this one woman.

I think it's awesome that you are aware of the shifts you have experienced as far as your own feelings, and that you will be seeking counseling. I hope your counselor will help you work on discovering what you need from your FI, since it sounds like you have been extremely selfless in helping him take care of himself. They can also help you figure out how to bring up the topic, since it sounds like some communication is needed about the terms of your agreement with him.

afox007

RebeccaFlower said:

Sorry you're having issues. 

Can I be nosy? I am truly just curious and non-judgmental... Please don't answer if you're uncomfortable. What would the arrangement be after your get married? Do you also have these free passes? If you're planning on staying open, why is marriage something you want? 

I technically have the sane free pass, but everytime the opportunity has arisen ask if it could ce better than FI and the answer is no.

We've also both agreed that after we get married the free pass expires. The exception being a three some. We have had a few during our relationship and they have worked out great.

Even the free pass on his end had been working out the few times he used it. He had always come back more grateful of the connection we had.

FiancB

afox, I've been in almost the exact same situation. My ex and I decided to be in an open relationship but once he used the "free pass" a long time after I realized I really wasn't cool with it. Seeing messages like that can be really upsetting too- I'd said it was okay but then it turned out he was still being pretty shady about it and I couldn't deal. It's hard to not have your feelings invalidated too, because after all you did say it was okay.

I'm glad you're seeking counseling. Just please be extremely honest, both with yourself and your FI. 

beethery

To me, it sounds like he is taking advantage of the free pass, and maybe you are wont to admit it, but you are more committed to a no-free-pass scenario than you thought.

Take your own feelings into consideration first, and do not let yourself be taken advantage of. I hope this works out well for you!

emmaaa

Have you brought this up to your FI that you saw this message by accident? I think it is important to be honest with him that you are uncomfortable with the way he is using the arrangement. A free pass sexually does not equal a free pass emotionally.

ETF: pass not ass

wandajune6

I don't have experience with open relationships so pardon any inappropriate assumptions. However, it sounds like the free pass was for sex, not for getting emotionally entangled with someone. That would hurt.

Emotion-free sex is very different from a significant connection.

climbingsingle

*hugs* I'm sorry. I hope counseling helps. 

smalfrie19

wandajune6 said:

I don't have experience with open relationships so pardon any inappropriate assumptions. However, it sounds like the free pass was for sex, not for getting emotionally entangled with someone. That would hurt.

Emotion-free sex is very different from a significant connection.

This is where I am too. I hope it's not anything, but I would bring it up to him. Maybe you can discuss it.

Ftr (and this is just my personal experience) I don't understand the needing of "sowing wild oats". I mean I was in a long term relationship ( 4 years 16-20) before I met fi shortly thereafter. I am 100% committed to him without needing to "experience more" and settle down.

sarawifenow

OP, sorry to hear you are going through this! Sending positive thoughts your way! I know that I could not handle if I saw FI sending messages like that and I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by considering counseling. Better to have decided that now than later!

JennyColada

So are you in a poly relationship or an open relationship? Do you want a mono relationship now?

Regardless, you need to be open with him. It sounds like you may not have clearly laid out what's "ok" beforehand, and now you're hurt that he crossed a boundary. Alright, but you two have to discuss what went wrong and how it can be right. This is true for mono relationships too: can he go to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex? How many "emotions" can he have and still be platonic?

Counseling maybe good because it sounds like your communication just isn't there yet.

phira

It's entirely okay to have your needs change. It's entirely okay to say, "I'm no longer okay with having an open relationship. I'd like to be exclusively monogamous. Is this something you can do?"

Because honestly, if you no longer want an open relationship, that's ENTIRELY your call. He might still want one. He might be okay closing the relationship. But this is definitely something I'd go to counseling for, regardless of his answer.

I also want to point out--changing your mind about being okay with an open relationship does not make you close-minded or judgmental. Your needs are your needs. It's easy to conflate, "I don't want an open relationship" with "Open relationships are bad!" which isn't the case. The case is that an open relationship isn't right for you anymore.

larrygaga

It's def. you that needs counseling. As far as I can tell, you told FI he can go have relations with someone else, and now you are hurt by it. I'm not really sure what you expected. I think you expected him to have a no-feelings one night stand, but that's not always how it works. I'm sorry you found out the hard way. 

beethery

phira said:

It's entirely okay to have your needs change. It's entirely okay to say, "I'm no longer okay with having an open relationship. I'd like to be exclusively monogamous. Is this something you can do?"

Because honestly, if you no longer want an open relationship, that's ENTIRELY your call. He might still want one. He might be okay closing the relationship. But this is definitely something I'd go to counseling for, regardless of his answer.

I also want to point out--changing your mind about being okay with an open relationship does not make you close-minded or judgmental. Your needs are your needs. It's easy to conflate, "I don't want an open relationship" with "Open relationships are bad!" which isn't the case. The case is that an open relationship isn't right for you anymore.

That is a really perfect way of saying it, and I recommend when you talk to your FI, you keep this in mind.

afox007

I talked to FI this morning and admitted that I had seen the fb messages. He tried assuring me that he doesn't feel anything for her and his reply about thinking about her was because we have been talking about taking a trip to Oregon (where she lives) to see my family.

He did agree he is willing to go to counseling to help us work on communicating better. He also suggested that we get rid of the free pass which honestly does make me feel a lot better. So now I guess we just see how things go.

Thank you all for your support and advice.

smalfrie19

afox007 said:

I talked to FI this morning and admitted that I had seen the fb messages. He tried assuring me that he doesn't feel anything for her and his reply about thinking about her was because we have been talking about taking a trip to Oregon (where she lives) to see my family. He did agree he is willing to go to counseling to help us work on communicating better. He also suggested that we get rid of the free pass which honestly does make me feel a lot better. So now I guess we just see how things go. Thank you all for your support and advice

This speaks volumes to me. That he stated he was willing to let go of that shows me commitment to you. But counseling is NEVER a bad thing.

RebeccaB88

Did anyone else notice what I did, that OP had to do all the work for his divorce for him? I still see a red flag there. If he wanted the divorce, he would have done the paperwork. I'm still not certain about that part. Will you always have to babysit him like that?

 As to the other...you told him he could sleep with other women, and you're upset because he did? I don't get the purpose of that. I am able to separate sex from emotion too, and I still don't get how that was going to help things. It's one thing to agree on an open relationship, but it doesn't sound like that's what you did. It sounds like you're desperate to keep him, so you gave him the free pass so he'd think you're the coolest FI ever. He just agreed to the no more free pass rule to throw you off enough that you wouldn't keep checking up on him. 

 What was the purpose of the Oregon trip? I'm getting that he planned to see her. Either he gave her the wrong impression about his intentions with her (why and how?) Or he intentionally gave her that impression. Also, in the few open relationships I've known about, a key tenant of it was they never hid the fact they were in a relationship. Do you have that agreement and do you know that the other women knew he was in one? I'm not convinced they did. 

 Maybe because I've been there before, I see plenty of red flags that maybe not everyone else can see. He was too quick to bring up the free pass elimination. He wouldn't get his own divorce. Definitely seek counseling, but do it with an open mind. It may not save your relationship, but that not be a bad thing. You also need to determine exactly what you want in a relationship, and what you will and can't tolerate. My gut says he's figuring out he may not want a relationship at all right now (nothing to do with you personally) but doesn't have the nuts to tell you. And I hope to hell I'm wrong about all that. 

 I just remember my ex would immediately agree to whatever he knew I wanted, then go do whatever he wanted anyway. He also refused to file his own divorce, despite swearing he wanted it. And plan trips to places but not tell me who else was in that location.

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs, TK took those away from me with the "update". 

afox007

He tried doing the divorce papers on his own, but with all the extra steps to include custody and the fact that he needed to petition for default since she wouldn't cooperate he was ready to give up and hire a lawyer. I knew we couldn't afford to spend a ton of money to have someone else fill out paperwork so I took over and figured things out.

I knew this girl lived Oregon when I started planning the trip. I wasn't going to stop that from me seeing my family. She does know about me , but from talking to FI she doesn't care, he showed me and email she sent the same day as the fb messages where she tried to convince him to run away with her and just leave his son with me. If he mislead her wen they slept together that is on him, but well see how counseling goes and go from there.

phira

Just wanted to chime in and say that some people are just really not good at certain "adult" tasks. I have to make my partner's appointments for him (like, doctors appointments, haircut appointments, you name it). One time when I called to make a medical appointment, the receptionist was really rude about it, and I gave her half the story, which is that my partner cannot make personal calls at work. The other half of the story is that the appointment I was making was for psychiatry and his anxiety over the stress of making the appointment was so overwhelming that he couldn't make the call.

KGold80

afox007 said:

He tried doing the divorce papers on his own, but with all the extra steps to include custody and the fact that he needed to petition for default since she wouldn't cooperate he was ready to give up and hire a lawyer. I knew we couldn't afford to spend a ton of money to have someone else fill out paperwork so I took over and figured things out.

I knew this girl lived Oregon when I started planning the trip. I wasn't going to stop that from me seeing my family. She does know about me , but from talking to FI she doesn't care, he showed me and email she sent the same day as the fb messages where she tried to convince him to run away with her and just leave his son with me. If he mislead her wen they slept together that is on him, but well see how counseling goes and go from there.

Okay, so he got email and Facebook messages from her on the same day. Both of which suggested she wanted more from him than just sex. And he still tells her he was thinking about her that day? Yeah, it seems that he either misled her or he's misleading you. I hope counseling helps you figure everything out.