Recently, I have been having some issues with one of my bridesmaids. She really hasn't done anything wrong, in fact, if anyone is to blame would be me.
We use to be best friends in middle school however during high school we drifted apart. We never had a fight or a fallout or anything to that effect, but we did grow apart. After high school (and college) whenever we ran into each other it has always been pleasant and seemed natural as if we have seen each other everyday. She later moved to San Diego and did not mention anything to me. I pondered the idea of asking her to be a BM but FI advised against it. In hindsight I see his logic, our relationship is not what it once was, but I asked her anyway, and she was excited to accept.
Earlier last month, I had called her to see how she was doing and she brought up some wedding plans. She explained to me that I "should fire her" because she is under some tight financial constraints. My heart sank a little because it came to me as surprise. I explained that she only had to buy the dress and didn't have to participate in any pre wedding parties. I also offered to pay for her transportation and hotel room for both nights. I than also offered to pay for her dress and her hair since she feels she cannot do anything with her hair.
I tried calling her that weekend and she said she couldn't afford the phone call so I quickly hung up. I began to think, she really cannot afford to do this. She must have a prepaid phone and is it really fair for me to pay for everything for one of my bridesmaids and not all of them? I send her an e-mail explaining with utmost tact and kindness that all that really matters is that she be present for the wedding as a guest. It does not matter where she sits or what dress she wears as long as she is there.
She called me a few days later and she thanked me for my kind e-mail. We talked a little about it and as I was hanging up she asked if I sent her dress yet as her mailing address has changed. I then reiterated that she not have to be a part of the wedding party and that I will not be offended. She said she has another wedding to attend around that time and so she will already be spending money. She also than said she is going to have buy a dress for my wedding anyway at that point so it should cost the same whether she attend as a guest or as BM. I said, ok if you are sure, but I don't think its fair that I pay for your dress, hotel, hair, and transportation but not the other ladies. She got a little upset and began to argue with me about it, I realized it was becoming an emotional issue so I explained all you have to do is show up in the dress and be on time. I explained why I asked her to be a bridesmaid and that I knew we had a falling out but that she was my first friend when I moved to this town. That I don't care how you do your hair, I don't care what kind of shoes you buy, you don't have to show up for the rehearsal, just be on time. I offered some suggestions for shoe color as she was clueless as what to buy and she laughed at me saying color suggestion was ridiculous. We ended the conservation on a bad note.
BM contacts me via email and asks if I was still having "that girl do her hair" and that she realizes she should be there the day before the wedding hinting that I offer to pay for her hotel. I told her the time of the ceremony and that "I suggest you be ready to go at the hotel no later than 5:00PM as the ceremony is at 5:30PM that way we won't make guests wait on the beach for us." I also reiterated that she can do whatever she chooses with her hair and that my friend will not be asked to travel out of town to do her hair. I said no one is expected to pay for their hair or make-up and can do their own.
No reply.
I really don't feel good about having her stand with me in the wedding and realize that she does not share the same sentiments about our relationship that I do. I see this in hindsight and I realized part of the reason why I invited her was because I wasn't sure who else to invite and I always thought she would stand with me if I ever got married. Bad reasons I know. I am awful. But, what I did is done and am not sure how to move forward at this point.
Any suggestions?