Do I ask for a timeline?

2ndTimeForMe

Hi, (returning former Knottie here),

 Both my other half and myself are discussing a second marriage. We’re both in our 30s, have discussed getting married at length since February of this year, bought a stone, he knows the setting I’m looking for, we’ve set Nov. 2014 for the wedding and he’s said the proposal is on its way. 

The setting we decided on is one that will be custom-made and will take approx. a month to complete, I know he hasn't sent the stone to the jeweler yet because its still where he left it (for time perspective -he purchased the stone two weeks ago).  We did decide that it will be a very casual, low-key wedding. 

So, my question is, do I just ask for a timeframe for the proposal or do I just silently stress in my head?

TIA!

phira

2ndTimeForMe said:

Hi, (returning former Knottie here),

 Both my other half and myself are discussing a second marriage. We’re both in our 30s, have discussed getting married at length since February of this year, bought a stone, he knows the setting I’m looking for, we’ve set Nov. 2014 for the wedding and he’s said the proposal is on its way. 

The setting we decided on is one that will be custom-made and will take approx. a month to complete, I know he hasn't sent the stone to the jeweler yet because its still where he left it (for time perspective -he purchased the stone two weeks ago).  We did decide that it will be a very casual, low-key wedding. 

So, my question is, do I just ask for a timeframe for the proposal or do I just silently stress in my head?

TIA!

I mean, silently stressing in your head is not something I think any of us would suggest. There's nothing wrong with sitting down and saying, "Hey, I'd prefer not to plan a wedding when we're not engaged yet. I'm okay getting engaged without a ring, but if you'd rather not be engaged till you propose, that's okay, too. But in that case, can you give me an idea of when you want to be engaged by? And in the meantime, I'll hold off on planning."

I've noticed a really weird trend of couples where a man tells a woman to go ahead and start planning the wedding, but puts off the proposal for ... reasons? and doesn't consider themselves engaged.

Swazzle

If you're actively planning a wedding that's 6 months away with your SO then what do you possibly have to stress about? The proposal seems fairly pointless. 

Blackbird230

@phira, Yea I really don't get that trend. I think it's somewhat to get the girl to shut up about getting engaged. Like a pacifier of some sort.

Knottie20575721

Hi,

Maybe some things I can clarify...

Since we both had larger weddings with all the bells and whistles the first time around, we planned on doing something very low-key and casual this time around. Thats the extent of the "planning" thats taken place. 

He hasn't given me the green light to start planning anything, nor do I want to b/c

 a) I'd prefer to JOP it and have cake afterwards - dead serious, and

b)  because we aren't officially engaged, we've mutually acknowledged this fact.

 

TIA!

 

Swazzle

Knottie20575721 said:

Hi,

Maybe some things I can clarify...

Since we both had larger weddings with all the bells and whistles the first time around, we planned on doing something very low-key and casual this time around. Thats the extent of the "planning" thats taken place. 

He hasn't given me the green light to start planning anything, nor do I want to b/c

 a) I'd prefer to JOP it and have cake afterwards - dead serious, and

b)  because we aren't officially engaged, we've mutually acknowledged this fact.

 

TIA!

 

Hi, are you the OP? 

Knottie20575721

@ Swazzle -

yes I am.  I'm not sure why its coming up as Knottie205... not sure how to fix that.

LizzyTish88

2ndTimeForMe said:

Hi, (returning former Knottie here),

 Both my other half and myself are discussing a second marriage. We’re both in our 30s, have discussed getting married at length since February of this year, bought a stone, he knows the setting I’m looking for, we’ve set Nov. 2014 for the wedding and he’s said the proposal is on its way. 

The setting we decided on is one that will be custom-made and will take approx. a month to complete, I know he hasn't sent the stone to the jeweler yet because its still where he left it (for time perspective -he purchased the stone two weeks ago).  We did decide that it will be a very casual, low-key wedding. 

So, my question is, do I just ask for a timeframe for the proposal or do I just silently stress in my head?

TIA!

Knottie20575721 said:

Hi,

Maybe some things I can clarify...

Since we both had larger weddings with all the bells and whistles the first time around, we planned on doing something very low-key and casual this time around. Thats the extent of the "planning" thats taken place. 

He hasn't given me the green light to start planning anything, nor do I want to b/c

 a) I'd prefer to JOP it and have cake afterwards - dead serious, and

b)  because we aren't officially engaged, we've mutually acknowledged this fact.

 

TIA!

 

I'm lost.. you have a month or don't have a month because you're not planning? And also what @swazzle said.

2ndTimeForMe

ok, corrected it... sorry about that. I guess its the number it assigns you when you sign up.

Blue & White

I would say if you just want to JOP it with some cake afterwards there is no need to be worrying about the proposal, as there isn't a ton of planning necessary to do such a thing.  I would just let it be for now.  If you HAVE to know a timeline, you're a big girl and should be able to discuss this with your BF

Swazzle

Why do you need a proposal timeline at all? 

And I still don't understand what there is to be stressed about. Leading up to getting engaged, there were a lot of emotions but stressed was definitely not one of them. 

2ndTimeForMe

@ Case-

I'd like to JOP it, he'd prefer something in our church, small, w close family as friends. No decisions have been made.
Nov. 2014 is what he suggested for the wedding. Last night he mentioned he's thought we'd do the first weekend in Nov. Currently there is no exact date on the calendar as he has out of state family that usually comes in for Thanksgiving, so you could see how them doing the travel twice would be stressful and unnecessary.

buddysmom80

2ndTimeForMe said:

@ Case- I'd like to JOP it, he'd prefer something in our church, small, w close family as friends. No decisions have been made. Nov. 2014 is what he suggested for the wedding. Last night he mentioned he's thought we'd do the first weekend in Nov. Currently there is no exact date on the calendar as he has out of state family that usually comes in for Thanksgiving, so you could see how them doing the travel twice would be stressful and unnecessary.

Um, you guys really should talk about a timeline before a wedding because if you're stressing about this, then something needs to be re-evaluated. Like @swazzle said, I had all the emotions before getting engaged, but stressed wasn't one of them.

2ndTimeForMe

@‌ Swazzle-

The concern regarding the timeline is more from a faith based concern as we're both Christians. Our faith calls us for intentionality in the relationship you pursue (ie- marriage). Dating longterm or dating just to date isn't something our faith invests in.

buddysmom80

2ndTimeForMe said:

@‌ Swazzle- The concern regarding the timeline is more from a faith based concern as we're both Christians. Our faith calls us for intentionality in the relationship you pursue (ie- marriage). Dating longterm or dating just to date isn't something our faith invests in.

Okay so what's the deal with THIS November? Like if I were you I'd be like "hey, BF, I know you're all jazzed up for getting married, but you're stressing me out with this whole doing it in NOvember thing"

Blue & White

@2ndTimeForMe Intentionality in the relationship you pursue would mean that you plan to get married.  We've already established that.  So whether or not your BF proposes tomorrow or November 3rd, you are not "violating" your intentionality clause.  And just because there's not a proposal doesn't mean your relationship is invalid. 

Swazzle

2ndTimeForMe said:

@‌ Swazzle- The concern regarding the timeline is more from a faith based concern as we're both Christians. Our faith calls us for intentionality in the relationship you pursue (ie- marriage). Dating longterm or dating just to date isn't something our faith invests in.

Ok but it doesn't sound like either of you has a plan to date long term or to date just to date. You've both agreed to get married in November. That's in 6 months. 

Do I have Friday brain or does this not make sense?

Blackbird230

2ndTimeForMe said:

@‌ Swazzle- The concern regarding the timeline is more from a faith based concern as we're both Christians. Our faith calls us for intentionality in the relationship you pursue (ie- marriage). Dating longterm or dating just to date isn't something our faith invests in.

Ok now I'M confused. What? 

buddysmom80

Swazzle said:

2ndTimeForMe said:

@‌ Swazzle- The concern regarding the timeline is more from a faith based concern as we're both Christians. Our faith calls us for intentionality in the relationship you pursue (ie- marriage). Dating longterm or dating just to date isn't something our faith invests in.

Ok but it doesn't sound like either of you has a plan to date long term or to date just to date. You've both agreed to get married in November. That's in 6 months. 

Do I have Friday brain or does this not make sense?

God obviously told them to have a wedding in November. FWIW though I have Friday brain too, so my reading comprehension is WAY off

[Deleted User]

You remind me of someone who posted on here last year. Do you have a daughter by chance? If not then nevermind.

LizzyTish88

Can you please explain this is a little more detail?? If you have the intention to marry but you do it say, next year, would that not be okay? If you're going to do something more than a JOP and cake because that is what your BF wants, and you communicate with him that you need more time to plan that out before November (if this is what you want) then why can't that be an option?

bethsmiles

If you stop thinking the wedding has to happen in November it's going to eliminate the stress. Wait until you're engaged, talk to VIPs, consider how long you want/need to plan a wedding both you and your SO are happy with, THEN set a date.

ETA: Sometimes my SO throws out a month we could get married, by saying something like "wouldn't a September wedding be nice?" That doesn't mean we have to get married in September. It means it's a month to consider once we're engaged but it if it doesn't work best then we'll do something else. It's not something I need to worry about now at all.

And I agree with PPs who said stress was never an emotion experienced while waiting for the proposal. My SO and I have been talking marriage for years now, I've experience at a lot of emotions while waiting but I've never been stressed about it.

2ndTimeForMe

To explain the the concept of intentionality when it comes to choosing a partner is to come into it with the end goal being marriage. Not an extended BF/GF relationship (or LTR). So for example, our faith ideally would like both people to come into a perspective relationship wanting marriage, get to know one another for a shorter period of time (a few months) to see if the two feel a good relationship (marriage) can be formed. If not, then they are free to seek go their seperate ways.

In a situation like ours, we've been actively dating since May 2013, so in our faith, the sentiment is that you should know by now if this person is for you. If so, get engaged and married. If not, then go your seperate ways.

My asking for a timeline encompasses a few things I suppose. I'd rather not invest more time (potentially 6 more months if we use the Nov. 2014 date as a timepoint) to the year I have already. A few reasons: emotionally, I feel like its false investment (thats more a faith-based train of thought, as romantic-emotionally you should invest solely in your husband), I'd like to have a family, and I do feel that its possible to be "pacified" as one PP put it but the ideas that accompany marriage rather than actually making the commitement of marriage to one another.

 

buddysmom80

2ndTimeForMe said:

To explain the the concept of intentionality when it comes to choosing a partner is to come into it with the end goal being marriage. Not an extended BF/GF relationship (or LTR). So for example, our faith ideally would like both people to come into a perspective relationship wanting marriage, get to know one another for a shorter period of time (a few months) to see if the two feel a good relationship (marriage) can be formed. If not, then they are free to seek go their seperate ways.

In a situation like ours, we've been actively dating since May 2013, so in our faith, the sentiment is that you should know by now if this person is for you. If so, get engaged and married. If not, then go your seperate ways.

My asking for a timeline encompasses a few things I suppose. I'd rather not invest more time (potentially 6 more months if we use the Nov. 2014 date as a timepoint) to the year I have already. A few reasons: emotionally, I feel like its false investment (thats more a faith-based train of thought, as romantic-emotionally you should invest solely in your husband), I'd like to have a family, and I do feel that its possible to be "pacified" as one PP put it but the ideas that accompany marriage rather than actually making the commitement of marriage to one another.

 

Reading back, here's the issue that bothers me.

You say you want a JOP wedding, yet you're using a faith-based excuse as to why you need to do things right away.

2ndTimeForMe

@ buddysmom -

It would actually be our church pastor that would officiate. I understand the confusion, "JOP it" was  more the sentiment that I prefer something very basic and casual. Not the actual JOP to officiate. 

 

loves2shop4shoes

If you've agreed to get married and set a date, congratulations, you're engaged!  A proposal/ring do not an engagement make.

Swazzle

You keep saying "our faith" and the like so clearly your BF knows the "rules" of your religion. You say you bought the stone and he knows what setting you would like. You also say that you decided on November 2014 together. So clearly you're on the same page about everything, at least on paper. 

You know he is going to propose (which seems like is just a formality at this point since you've obviously already agreed to get marred) and you know that you both want to get married in 6 months. 

He's had the stone for 2 weeks though, don't you think you're getting a little crazy a little quickly?

Blue & White

Please don't use "my ovaries are drying up" as an excuse to get married.  It's incredibly insensitive to a whole host of other people who are already married, engaged, and waiting to become engaged.

I would assume a faith based marriage would also not want you to coerce your potential husband into marrying you.  If he's not ready, he's not ready.  If he is, then give him time.  Even if he HAS told you Nov is the day, he still has a while to propose and still give you time to plan such a simple event.  I mean, I think it's worth inquiring about his timeline, but I think it's also worth NOT using ovaries or faith as excuses to "omg I need to get married now." 

In regards to ovaries, there are some people whose ovaries are "dried up" by 16 and then others that can procreate until their 60s and beyond.  It's not exactly something you can predict without a bunch of testing.

GoldenPenguin

For fucks sake. 

COMMUNICATION.

Why is this so hard around here lately?

phira

GoldenPenguin said:

For fucks sake. 

COMMUNICATION.

Why is this so hard around here lately?

NO idea. It's definitely this week's theme.

2ndTimeForMe

@ Blue and White -

My wanting to start a family does not interfere with anyone else's plans to or not or their biological inablity to or not to have children.  Its like proposals and weddings, there aren't a finite amount of them to go around.  My desire to have a family does not take away someone else's ability to. 

Marriage and having a family are both rooted in faith for me.  I believe in the design of biblical marriage rather than romantic marriage. I'm sorry you feel they are "excuses", to me, they are beliefs.  So I can understand where the discrepancy may lay for you.

 

@ Golden Penguin -

The heading of my post was an inquiry regarding "communication" - Do I ask for a timeline? I think its pretty safe to say I was interested in knowing if that communication was something best addressed now or at a later time.  I'm not sure where the misunderstanding came from in regard to my lack of desire to do just that.

 

To all the other posters, I appreciate your feedback. Thank you!