Adults only at the wedding?

kasi040

So I'm really against allowing kids at the wedding. I think it adds to the stress level for me. I'm worried that there will be a baby crying or kid throwing a tantrum while I walk down the aisle. I'm afraid that the wedding video will suffer for it. Also, I feel that my guests would be able to fully enjoy the party more if they didn't have to worry about all the kids around. Also, there will be alcohol served and I wouldn't want anyone to have to be concerned about not being able to drink and fully enjoy themselves because they have the kids. There is also the issue that I may not be able to invite some friends that I would like to invite because the kids are filling seats in my 200 person quota. Yes, our families are enormous. There are approx 40 kids all together. And that's just the kids that are in the families. My FMIL is adamant about having kids because otherwise some family members will not be able to attend. She says that we should only allow the kids of family members. A lot of the guests will be coming from out of town, both friends and family. How would that be right? Also, she ispaying for a huge chunk of the wedding.

So, question is, is it ok to have adults only? Would it be appropriate to invite only kids from the family? And how do I deal with FMIL backlash if we choose adults only??

KGold80

if FMIL is paying for a lot of the wedding expenses, you really need to take her opinions into account. It is okay to invite adults only, but if that doesn't fly with your FMIL it isn't really an option unless you decline her offer of money. You are perfectly within your rights to invite kids in circles (e.g. Family only), but you need to be sure that if you invite one cousin's kids, you invite the other cousin's kids too. Find a compromise somewhere. And your FI needs to be discussing this with his mom.

Jen4948

If you really don't want to invite kids at all, then you may well have to decline your FMIL's contributions and yes, it does mean that some people may decline your invitations.  It is appropriate to limit invited kids to family members only.

And whatever decision you make, your FI needs to be the person who deals with his mother, especially if you decide together not to have any kids at all. 

I agree with you that kids having meltdowns isn't a nice prospect, but don't make your objections to this about how they appear in your wedding video.  That sounds too petty and won't go over well.

HisGirlFriday13

He who pays gets a say. So if your FMIL is paying, then you're going to have to allow her to invite the kids she wants. And yes, it's perfectly acceptable to invite only children of family members.

It's also perfectly acceptable to have an adults-only wedding (though your reasons sound petty), but you'll have to be prepared to fund the wedding on your own.

Also, please don't presume to make decisions for your guests. They can decide on their own if they're comfortable having alcohol around their kids.

jdluvr06

A few things I want to address. First, if you have a lot of out of town invitees and choose not to invite kids (which is fine) then you should expect a lot of declines. Second, your reasons for not wanting kids there seem petty. Third, don't assume others will have a better time without kids there. I personally prefer weddings with kids because I think the kids are the fun part. I would personally be bored at a kid free wedding unless it was in Vegas or something. That is just my opinion but I knew a lot of people (not on here but in life) that agree with me. It would be better if you were honest about it and said that YOU will have more fun with no kids there, which again is fine. This is one of one of the few things where you can say this is my wedding and this is what I want. 

That being said, if your FMIL is helping pay for the wedding then she gets a say. If this is a hill you choose to die on then it would be best to decline her money and pay for the wedding yourselves.

kasi040

Thanks all. Guess I just needed to get my head on straight. Appreciate the responses and honesty!

HisGirlFriday13

kasi040 said:

Thanks all. Guess I just needed to get my head on straight. Appreciate the responses and honesty!

Thanks for being reasonable and not getting upset!

CMGragain

 My daughter married a man with a large family.  She had a "dance with the bride" time for the kids.  They did the Hokey-pokey, and everybody loved it!  It made for a wonderful photo opp!
The older folks at your wedding will really appreciate having the children there.  This isn't prom: this is a day which unites two families.  Think about this before you make your final decision.

mysticl

I've been to weddings that would have been complete snooze tests if it wasn't for the kids.  They were the majority of the people on the dance floor.  

OwningAHome1981

I agree that whoever pays ultimately gets the final say, although you are free to voice your opinions. I had no kids at my wedding either and it was awesome and I am so happy we didn't allow them. I didn't want kids there for many of the same reasons you don't. I hate being at weddings with kids running around and I didn't want to have to worry about tantrums and things breaking etc etc. We don't have too many kids in the family so it wasn't too much of an issue. We had on the invites "adults-only reception" and no one seemed to have a problem and the people with kids were actually looking forward to having a nice child-free night out. I think if you allow some kids but not others people are going to be a lot more upset than if it was no kids allowed for everyone. No one likes it if someone is getting preferential treatment and they aren't.

Sonietsjka

It's perfectly fine to not have kids at the wedding, it's your and your FI's choice. I don't think your reasons for not having children at the wedding are petty at all.  

Personally don't see the problem for out of town guests; we're having a child free wedding, and all my guests with children are coming. From overseas.

ethelbeavers

I agree with not having children at the wedding. I am not having any at mine because I personally do not want to have to be extra careful not to step on them on the dance floor.
However, since your FMIL is helping to foot the bill you will have to have a discussion and come up with a compromise to make both of you happy (and your FI should be a part of that discussion).

Jen4948

CMGragain said:  My daughter married a man with a large family.  She had a "dance with the bride" time for the kids.  They did the Hokey-pokey, and everybody loved it!  It made for a wonderful photo opp!
The older folks at your wedding will really appreciate having the children there.  This isn't prom: this is a day which unites two families.  Think about this before you make your final decision.
What if she had already thought of these things?  If so, she doesn't need to be told to think about it again.  And maybe the older folks won't appreciate having the children there.  Just because it worked out nicely for your daughter doesn't mean it will for every other bride and groom.

CMGragain

What IS your problem this morning?  You have been snarking on my posts all over the Knot.  Chill.

KatieinBkln

CMGragain said:

 My daughter married a man with a large family.  She had a "dance with the bride" time for the kids.  They did the Hokey-pokey, and everybody loved it!  It made for a wonderful photo opp!
The older folks at your wedding will really appreciate having the children there.  This isn't prom: this is a day which unites two families.  Think about this before you make your final decision.

That is adorable! (The hokey-pokey). I don't have a ton of kids in my life/family so this probably won't be a thing at my wedding. I'm sure we will invite kids for those who have them since there are so few, but most are babies--not quite at the hokey-pokey stage.

Jen4948

CMGragain said:

What IS your problem this morning?  You have been snarking on my posts all over the Knot.  Chill.

I'm recovering from moving house yesterday with getting almost nothing to eat.  Sorry if you don't like the tone of my posts, as I mentioned elsewhere, but I not agreeing with you is not "snarking."  You chill.

CMGragain

My apologies.  I over reacted.  I've not been feeling well, either.

Jen4948

CMGragain said:

My apologies.  I over reacted.  I've not been feeling well, either.

Apology accepted.  I hope you feel better soon.  

NYCBruin

mysticl said:

I've been to weddings that would have been complete snooze tests if it wasn't for the kids.  They were the majority of the people on the dance floor.  

I've been to weddings where the kids were the majority of people on the dance floor, not because no one wanted to dance, but because the kids literally took over the dance floor and no one wanted to step on them or have one of them slide/run into them.  Just a different perspective. 

icecreamS04

We invited our friends with their kids and all but one chose not to bring them and leave them at their grandparent's houses or with a babysitter instead. The one's who bring their child arranged to have him picked up by the grandparents after dinner. 

Different story with the kids in the family: all of them are coming. FI's cousin's kids are going to be our FG and RB. My mom's cousin's family couldn't have made it on their own, because they are OOT and it's not easy to find a manage a babysitter for an entire weekend during the summer holidays.   

I don't think that any child is going to throw a tantrum or to be out of control because I trust their parents and think that they are doing a good job. 

cmorino12

That's what I'm doing because I feel the same way. The only kids that will be at our wedding are the ones in the ceremony.

frewinclaire

We are going no kids. In my mind, we can't afford it and the thought of tiny people under the feet of large, inebriated adults gives me the chills.

You should have what you want for sure! I did one of my blog entries on managing expectations at weddings - I don't know if it will help anyone? It's a bit of fun and has helped me a lot writing it....

http://bridechiller.blogspot.co.uk