Moms and Maids

Future Mother-in-Law

Hi there!
I went wedding dress shopping with my mom in November and bought a dress. My FMIL had previously stated, multiple times, that "she'd be there when I got my dress," etc., etc., and I would change the subject or say that my mom and I would go together just the two of us. As soon as I got my dress, I told my FMIL and said "I'm sorry you weren't there, if we hadn't found one, I was going to bring you and my BM's." She was hurt that I didn't ask her (she still makes digs about her friend's going dress shopping with their FDIL's) but I always wanted to go with just myself and my mom. My FMIL can be very over-bearing and I knew she would stress me out if she was there.
Since then, I keep trying to include her in other wedding related stuff (saying we could have a day going dress shopping for her dress, a day going accessory shopping, etc.). She went and bought a dress on her own and her shoes on her own instead. Every time she brings up ideas for the wedding, she's happy as a clam. Anytime I bring anything up, she's snarky and uninterested.
I'm not sure what else to do to help her be included in the wedding planning.
Any ideas?

Re: Future Mother-in-Law

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2014
    It sounds like this FMIL wants to run the whole show, and even if you had included her when you got your dress, she would have given you a hard time if you didn't select exactly the dress she wanted, and if you had, she would have been very smug and taken all the credit for your selection.  And you knew that when you chose not to invite her along because she would "stress you out."

    So I think the best course of action for you, especially if you don't want to "stress yourself out," is to not only not "include" her in any more wedding planning, but have your FI tell her that she needs to cease and desist with the snarky attitude.
  • Hi there!
    I went wedding dress shopping with my mom in November and bought a dress. My FMIL had previously stated, multiple times, that "she'd be there when I got my dress," etc., etc., and I would change the subject or say that my mom and I would go together just the two of us. As soon as I got my dress, I told my FMIL and said "I'm sorry you weren't there, if we hadn't found one, I was going to bring you and my BM's." She was hurt that I didn't ask her (she still makes digs about her friend's going dress shopping with their FDIL's) but I always wanted to go with just myself and my mom. My FMIL can be very over-bearing and I knew she would stress me out if she was there.
    Since then, I keep trying to include her in other wedding related stuff (saying we could have a day going dress shopping for her dress, a day going accessory shopping, etc.). She went and bought a dress on her own and her shoes on her own instead. Every time she brings up ideas for the wedding, she's happy as a clam. Anytime I bring anything up, she's snarky and uninterested.
    I'm not sure what else to do to help her be included in the wedding planning.
    Any ideas?

    I agree with Jen. Clearly your FMIL had a vision that involved her shopping for your dress with her because her friends got to do that.

    Well, maybe her friends are just nicer than she is and theor FDILs WANTED them along, or maybe their FDILs didn't have the chutzpah to stand up to their FMILs. I don't know, and it's irrelevant.

    Your FI needs to have a come-to-Jesus talk with his mama about her behaviour and you need to stop telling her any details that she doesn't need to know, which seems like all of them.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Hi there!
    I went wedding dress shopping with my mom in November and bought a dress. My FMIL had previously stated, multiple times, that "she'd be there when I got my dress," etc., etc., and I would change the subject or say that my mom and I would go together just the two of us. As soon as I got my dress, I told my FMIL and said "I'm sorry you weren't there, if we hadn't found one, I was going to bring you and my BM's." She was hurt that I didn't ask her (she still makes digs about her friend's going dress shopping with their FDIL's) but I always wanted to go with just myself and my mom. My FMIL can be very over-bearing and I knew she would stress me out if she was there.
    Since then, I keep trying to include her in other wedding related stuff (saying we could have a day going dress shopping for her dress, a day going accessory shopping, etc.). She went and bought a dress on her own and her shoes on her own instead. Every time she brings up ideas for the wedding, she's happy as a clam. Anytime I bring anything up, she's snarky and uninterested.
    I'm not sure what else to do to help her be included in the wedding planning.
    Any ideas?
    Referring to the bold above:  don't go to a dry well looking for water.  Your FMIL is a dry well.  You are looking for water when you bring up the wedding, she is a dry well and is obviously doing a "Well!  I will show you for not taking me dress shopping!!!!".  STOP all wedding talk with her.


  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Stop trying to appease her. It gives the impression that you feel guilty, when you haven't done anything wrong. The bride gets to decide who goes shopping for the dress. Ignore her whenever she brings up that her friends went shopping with their FDILs. Your fi should tell her that you only wanted your mom to see you in your dress before the wedding and that she should get over it before it sours her relationship with you.  Hey, she could go with him when he picks out his wedding suit or tux. 

    Going forward, don't bring up the wedding planning with your FMIL. She may eventually figure out that she must play nicely if she wants to be included. If there's anything she needs to know about, her son can give her the info.


                       
    ladybird29
  • I loved every minute of gown shopping with my daughter and hope that my FDIL's mother enjoyed her time with her daughter too.  If I had been invited, I would have declined.  This is just a very special mother-daughter moment to some brides, and that is that.

    MairePoppykmmssg
  • I have similar issues with my FMIL.  Honestly I just don't talk about the wedding unless she wants to talk.  It was rude of her to invite herself to the dress fitting.  Typically mother of the groom can be pushed aside during the wedding planning process, but that does not mean she needs to be upset.  She needs to understand that it was a special moment for you and your mother.  I am going with my mom and sister only.  I have offered to invited my FMIL to a fitting...then everyone is happy :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ethelbeaversethelbeavers member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    @kmmssg: That is EXACTLY the type of feeling I get from her whenever the wedding comes up.

    @Lauderdale Pink: My mom and I have planned for what feels like forever that we would go wedding dress shopping just the two of us. I'm still very, very happy that I decided to go that route.

    @bananasplit472001: I told my FMIL that I would have my mom, my 3 bridesmaids and herself come for the final dress fitting so it's still special for her and a surprise for everyone else...so we shall see how that pans out! :)

    Thanks for all of the support ladies!!! I'm trying hard not to bring up with wedding with her unless it's "need-to-know" and I'm trying not to just do something to appease her, that way can be happy with all of the wedding decisions and not bullied into anything!
    MairePoppy
  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    @ethelbeavers i love your SN.
  • this sounds exactly like my FMIL, except she tried to force me to let her make my dress, all my bridesmaids, and my flower girls (she made wedding dresses for 30 years) and I settled on allowing her to make the flower girls dresses as they are from her family in England that ive never met. she has questioned everything from flowers, to how many BM and GM we have. she has put no money towards it which is fine and was expected, but when she questioned how much money was being spent on flowers even though my parents have allergies, I immediately stopped talking about anything and everything wedding with her. my FI now runs interference, and I have not seen as much of her, but honestly...wedding planning, and dress shopping, is for the bride and her mother, the FMIL is only welcome if the bride feels that is what she wants. hope it doesn't stress ya too much!!!
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