BFF's already dueling over Maid of Honor...

zyddie

We have only been together for a little over a year. But we're older and everyone sees it... the proposal will be coming soon. My best friend of 20 years and truly my closest friend called dibs on maid of honor a little while ago. I also have another close friend of over 30 years, we've been friends since we were 5. A couple of weeks ago we are out together and she sees the two of us kissing. She’s a few drinks in so she says loudly, “When you two get married, I better be the maid of honor!!" Apparently still a little sore from my first marriage where I did not pick her to be MOH for the same reason I would give now. She is my oldest friend but after our teen years we kind of distanced a bit from each other. She has her group of friends and I have mine. We both moved away and she is not a phone person so honestly over the years if I didn't call her, we didn't speak. We have begun becoming closer again because we have both moved back to our hometown and now we see each other more often. I love her. When we get together it's like no time has passed. But if I was hard pressed to answer who is my best friend, it would be my other friend. We talk pretty much every day. We know every in and out of each other’s lives. My oldest friend and I haven't had a friendship like that since we were teenagers. So after she yelled out she better be the MOH, I said well you can be co-MOH with my other friend. In an alcohol fueled rant she went on for the next 15 min about why she should be the MOH and that sharing the position would not be acceptable. She even promised I would be the Godmother of her next child. My other friend, I am also pretty sure would not like the idea if co-MOH. She is not a big fan of my oldest friend. She thinks she hasn’t been a very good friend to me so in her book my oldest friend shouldn’t be in the running for such an important task. So here I am thinking about a wedding that has not even been proposed yet and how I'm going to have to choose between two friends I love dearly. Any ideas on how to handle this???

Blackbird230

First of all, no one should be calling "dibs" on anything. In the end, MOH and bridesmaids are your decision. Also, I wouldn't really worry about anything until you are engaged. Smile and just play the "there isn't a ring yet!" 

I never really understood fighting to be MOH. I wasn't my sister's MOH and although I was a bit sore, I understood why she chose the way she did. MOH is a big responsibility. It may be a case where in the end, you decide to just have maids, not a MOH.

bethsmiles

I can't help but roll my eyes at this. What self-respecting adult would fight over being a MOH in a wedding - it's just so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

@Blackbird230 's advice is spot on. Just deflect until this is actually an issue (i.e. until you are engaged).

When you are engaged you can have co-MOHs, choose one and deal with the drama from the other, or have no MOH. It sounds like a no-win situation so just do whatever works best for you.

zyddie

I agree with both you... I guess it is silly to worry now.  But also this is really ridiculous, my boyfriend found the whole thing hilarious.  I thought it was too but knowing her I know she was serious even though she had a few drinks.  I kind of thought to myself that if they really have such a problem with it then maybe I just shouldn't have one.  And there problem solved.. if you can't share no one gets any at all...lol.  Thanks ladies for your response I am aware this is a minor calamity but it's just been on my mind and thought I would ask what other people think.  

phira

I mean, anyone who goes on a rant about how it's unacceptable to her to share maid/matron of honor with someone else has showed you why she doesn't deserve the honor.

No one gets to call dibs or make demands about who's in the wedding party. Especially when there's not even a wedding on the table. They're being ridiculous (albeit one more than the other).

cu97tiger

zyddie said:

We have only been together for a little over a year. But we're older and everyone sees it... the proposal will be coming soon. My best friend of 20 years and truly my closest friend called dibs on maid of honor a little while ago. I also have another close friend of over 30 years, we've been friends since we were 5. A couple of weeks ago we are out together and she sees the two of us kissing. She’s a few drinks in so she says loudly, “When you two get married, I better be the maid of honor!!" Apparently still a little sore from my first marriage where I did not pick her to be MOH for the same reason I would give now. She is my oldest friend but after our teen years we kind of distanced a bit from each other. She has her group of friends and I have mine. We both moved away and she is not a phone person so honestly over the years if I didn't call her, we didn't speak. We have begun becoming closer again because we have both moved back to our hometown and now we see each other more often. I love her. When we get together it's like no time has passed. But if I was hard pressed to answer who is my best friend, it would be my other friend. We talk pretty much every day. We know every in and out of each other’s lives. My oldest friend and I haven't had a friendship like that since we were teenagers. So after she yelled out she better be the MOH, I said well you can be co-MOH with my other friend. In an alcohol fueled rant she went on for the next 15 min about why she should be the MOH and that sharing the position would not be acceptable. She even promised I would be the Godmother of her next child. My other friend, I am also pretty sure would not like the idea if co-MOH. She is not a big fan of my oldest friend. She thinks she hasn’t been a very good friend to me so in her book my oldest friend shouldn’t be in the running for such an important task. So here I am thinking about a wedding that has not even been proposed yet and how I'm going to have to choose between two friends I love dearly. Any ideas on how to handle this???

I second everything that @phira said. I had co-MOH, my sister and my best friend. Neither one of them made a peep about it 'not being acceptable.' You know why? Because they are grown adults.

To the bolded... I hope you meant 'important honor' and not 'important task' because the only actual tasks that the MOH has that the Bridesmaids don't is holding your bouquet and making sure your train (if you have one) looks good during the ceremony.

Hummingbird125

Your friends sound like they're about 13 years old.

I was stressed over what do do about choosing my MOH (between my youngest sister and best friend). My little sister just told me - unprompted - that she would be fine with me choosing my best friend, because it doesn't matter what her title is, she's going to be thrilled to be a part of my wedding regardless of how she's listed in a program. She's a college student. Your friends need to grow the hell up.

GoldenPenguin

This is ridiculous for several reasons. 

1. You aren't engaged.

2. Your friend sounds like a middle schooler. 

3. Friendships change - and it seems like she doesn't understand that.

4. You aren't engaged. While YOU might realize this, SHE obviously doesn't. The next time it comes up, it might be a good idea to say "You know, this is a really ridiculous conversation to be having, since we aren't even engaged yet."

loves2shop4shoes

Yeah, you need to tell them to quit putting the cart before the horse.

Dating >>>>Engagement>>>Wedding planning/BP Decisions>>>>Wedding

And when the time DOES come, it's not up to them to call "dibs".  This is YOUR choice.  They don't have to agree, but they DO have to respect it.  Ultimately, I chose my MOH because she was my longest, closest friend.  I KNEW before picking her that she would be virtually useless in wedding planning/throwing pre-wedding events, (and boy was she!) but ultimately I chose her because I felt like the people standing next to you should be the ones that mean the most to you.

It's a very personal decision that you, and ONLY you, should be making...WHEN the time comes.

evadorrough

PPs all gave good advice.  Honestly, if I were you, when it did come time to choose BM/MOH, I probably wouldn't have a MOH since it seems like it will just cause some resentment/drama no matter what you decide.  But that's just me.

zyddie

cu97tiger said:

I hope you meant 'important honor' and not 'important task' because the only actual tasks that the MOH has that the Bridesmaids don't is holding your bouquet and making sure your train (if you have one) looks good during the ceremony.

Thanks for your comment... actually the MOH does have some important tasks like your bachelorette party and helping you that day so that you are not running around like a lunatic making sure people and things are in their place.  Especially if you will be having a wedding where the majority of things will be done by you and family/friends and not by paid vendors (which would most likely be my case).  My last MOH actually dropped the ball pretty badly (like insisting to handle the bachelorette party with no help and when everyone gathered at my house at the requested date and time she was no where to be found.  When I finally got her on the phone an hour or so later she said, "that was tonight"???).  So there are some important things MOH's need to do.  I don't doubt the reliability of either one just wish this silliness wasn't something I had to deal with.

I do agree this is all very immature.  If I was on the other end, I wouldn't care honestly.  Whatever my friends feel like they would want to do I would be happy with as long as they were happy on their day.  But you can't really turn around and tell your friends they are being immature unless you don't really want to be their friends anymore.  Although one can use some more maturity than the other I don't want to alienate anyone so if the day actually ever happens I think I will most likely opt for no MOH and call it a day. 

GoldenPenguin

zyddie said:

cu97tiger said:

I hope you meant 'important honor' and not 'important task' because the only actual tasks that the MOH has that the Bridesmaids don't is holding your bouquet and making sure your train (if you have one) looks good during the ceremony.

Thanks for your comment... actually the MOH does have some important tasks like your bachelorette party and helping you that day so that you are not running around like a lunatic making sure people and things are in their place.  Especially if you will be having a wedding where the majority of things will be done by you and family/friends and not by paid vendors (which would most likely be my case).  My last MOH actually dropped the ball pretty badly (like insisting to handle the bachelorette party with no help and when everyone gathered at my house at the requested date and time she was no where to be found.  When I finally got her on the phone an hour or so later she said, "that was tonight"???).  So there are some important things MOH's need to do.  I don't doubt the reliability of either one just wish this silliness wasn't something I had to deal with.

I do agree this is all very immature.  If I was on the other end, I wouldn't care honestly.  Whatever my friends feel like they would want to do I would be happy with as long as they were happy on their day.  But you can't really turn around and tell your friends they are being immature unless you don't really want to be their friends anymore.  Although one can use some more maturity than the other I don't want to alienate anyone so if the day actually ever happens I think I will most likely opt for no MOH and call it a day. 

Actually, the MOH doesn't HAVE to do anything, except be there for you on your wedding day. A bachelorette party & shower aren't required things - they're nice, but are NOT mandatory.

And, yes, if your friends are being as ridiculously immature as yours are, you CAN tell them that they are being immature. And if they stop being your friends over it, that's just another reflection of their immense immaturity, and they probably aren't very good friends to begin with.

phira

zyddie said:

cu97tiger said:

I hope you meant 'important honor' and not 'important task' because the only actual tasks that the MOH has that the Bridesmaids don't is holding your bouquet and making sure your train (if you have one) looks good during the ceremony.

Thanks for your comment... actually the MOH does have some important tasks like your bachelorette party and helping you that day so that you are not running around like a lunatic making sure people and things are in their place.  Especially if you will be having a wedding where the majority of things will be done by you and family/friends and not by paid vendors (which would most likely be my case).  My last MOH actually dropped the ball pretty badly (like insisting to handle the bachelorette party with no help and when everyone gathered at my house at the requested date and time she was no where to be found.  When I finally got her on the phone an hour or so later she said, "that was tonight"???).  So there are some important things MOH's need to do.  I don't doubt the reliability of either one just wish this silliness wasn't something I had to deal with.

I do agree this is all very immature.  If I was on the other end, I wouldn't care honestly.  Whatever my friends feel like they would want to do I would be happy with as long as they were happy on their day.  But you can't really turn around and tell your friends they are being immature unless you don't really want to be their friends anymore.  Although one can use some more maturity than the other I don't want to alienate anyone so if the day actually ever happens I think I will most likely opt for no MOH and call it a day. 

Yeah ... maid/matron of honor is a position of honor, not a job, and often isn't distinguishable from being a bridesmaid. The maid/matron of honor has no additional responsibilities. What you seem to be thinking of is mostly the job of a day-of coordinator or wedding planner. And anyone can plan a bachelorette party, and a bachelorette party isn't a requirement.