Send me prayers and good vibes, please (semi-vent)

blabla89

When FI and I first got engaged, we got all excited about getting married in spring 2015. It seemed like the perfect fit until my younger brother informed us that he's going to be in Korea through next summer. So we started looking at fall dates instead, which was a bummer, but I didn't want to leave him out.

A few weeks later the whole family spent the weekend at the lake house for my grandmother's birthday, and my brother was being a complete ass to everyone. He didn't seem to want any part of the family activities. He also made some remarks about how weddings are just "stupid straight people rituals" (he's gay and seems to think I have some kind of problem with it, which I don't) and said some other hurtful things. So that was irritating, but I brushed it off. Then, later that day, he left his phone sitting out on the counter, open to a text message string with a friend, talking about how he doesn't want to be at the family weekend, how he hates FI and I, and sabotaging the wedding. I can only assume that he did this deliberately and that really, really hurt. I talked with my aunt, my grandma, and my godmother about it and they all advised us to go ahead and have the wedding when we want to.

So today I'm sending off the contract and deposit for the venue to hold our date (May 2! Yay!) and now I have to let my brother know that we've decided to have the wedding then, without him. I'm dreading this conversation...please send me any prayers and good vibes, and I'll probably need some wine, too. Thanks y'all.

Ollie08

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing. I'm sorry your bother is lashing out like this, I can imagine that it's hurtful. Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way. 

evadorrough

That sounds like a shitty situation, but I agree that you're doing the right thing since it doesn't seem like your brother really values being a part of this milestone in your life.  Good luck with the talk; hopefully he can be civil to you and understand why you're making this decision.

(Also, yay for getting a date/venue!)

Blue & White

Lots of vibes your way! I would definitely try to phrase it that you'd love if your brother was able to make it but that you realize it would be hard to come back from Korea (I assume he's not there with the military or you wouldn't be able to..post it online? I think..I'm not that smart with my military knowledge) May 2nd is 2 days before my bday (and @swazzle's anniv) soooo it's a great week to get married!

Dignity100

I think you're doing the right thing.  Especially if your brother plans on trying to sabotage the wedding anyway.

KeptInStitches

I'm sorry your brother is lashing out so much. You're in my thoughts.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry about your brother! That's a very difficult situation to be in and I hope that your talk goes smoothly.

blabla89

Thanks everyone. I'm so grateful for the awesome, supportive community we have here. I really, really am so thankful for you ladies.

My brother texted back and said that he was hurt (this is his MO - treating people like crap and then he's the one who's hurt when they react) and so I called him out on his behavior. He said he was really sorry, and that he shouldn't have acted that way, but that it's hard for him to watch his sister go through this major life milestone and know that he can't have the same thing (gay marriage isn't legal where he lives yet) and how he was just venting and didn't mean any of it.

So now I'm torn because we're fully committed to our date next May, and he's fully committed to being in Korea then. A little voice in my head wants to call BS - it's a perfectly valid way to feel, but my brother can be very manipulative sometimes. FI says if he loves me he'll find a way to be there. I don't know what to do. Argh.

Peaseblossom55

I"m so sorry your brother is acting this way. Sending good thoughts and vibes to you

pinkcow13

I'm really sorry your brother is acting like this. I'm sending you lots of positive vibes! And on a lighter note, we are wedding buddies! Our date is May 22, 2015

Dignity100

Offer to celebrate with him when he's back.  If he's seeing somebody maybe make it a double date type thing.  It'll put the ball back in his court.  And/Or you could even do something via Skype so he could 'attend'.

Blackbird230

I like @Dignity100's answer. Set up some kind of online way he can attend. That is one shitty situation. 

In other news, FI and I are looking at May 1, 2016. Wedding month buddies.

Pepperally

Even if he can't get legally married which I know means a lot, he doesnt' have to take it out on you.  He needs to learn that he can't treat people this way even if he didn't mean it. 

Ollie08

I agree with @Dignity100 about including him by Skyping in, and celebrating upon his return. Why is he going to Korea? Like PP said, I'm guessing it's not military. And it's not like flights are super cheap, but there's no way he could move his trip up then? So that he doesn't miss the wedding?

phira

I'm really sorry he was taking it out on you. Even though what he said over text was private (and I think it's fair to say that the majority of us say really harsh things in private that we don't really mean, or that we don't mean as strongly), his behavior towards you was inappropriate.

I do empathize with his feelings about marriage, given that he's not legally able to marry someone he loves where he currently lives. Hopefully, that'll change soon.

I think you're making the right decision, and I think that for your sake, making an effort to keep him in the wedding loop (e.g. Skyping him in to watch the ceremony) is a great idea.