Someone call me a Wahhhhmbulance...

faithdevilsbee

Feeling a little bummed because while I haven't asked anyone to be in my bridal party yet, one of my besties has hinted to me, on more than one occasion, that she's really okay with (read: would prefer) just being a guest at the wedding. This really hurts my feelings for multiple reasons, but mostly because I was just in her wedding 6 months ago. I don't understand because she calls/texts/emails me to ask about my wedding plans all the time. She sends me Pins on Pinterest with helpful things to match my colors or themes. She's already doing all these awesome things for me, but has basically said "I won't say 'No' if you ask, but I'd like you more if you don't ask"

And it's not because of lack of funds. 

I know I know, woe is me, zhe leetle snowflake! but it still really bugs/irks me and maybe some sympathy or perspective would help me out...

HisGirlFriday13

I can kind of see where she's coming from. I enjoy weddings, and I'm excited for my friends who are getting married, but I am really SO.FREAKING.OVER being a BM.

(Although I'm going to be one next fall for a friend. )

It's probably not personal. She might just not be interested in being a BM. Even though the only technical obligation of a BM is to buy the right dress, there's a lot of group pressure to do other things, and she might just be burned out.

KytchynWitche

Ok, "You're a Wahhhmbulance!" Sorry, couldn't resist.

A couple of years ago, my then-best friend (who had been my best friend for 8 or 9 years at that point) asked me to be one of her BMs. I didn't want to be a BM (I've never wanted to be a BM, not even for my own sister), and I was emotionally not in a place to support ANYONE, but I also didn't want to disappoint her, so I said yes. There was a lot of pressure on me to say yes because I was the only one of her friends at the time who her FI (now H) actually liked, and he had always been really good to me, very understanding of my peculiarities etc.

Anyway, my situation grew worse and worse over the course of the planning, but I found I couldn't talk to them about what was going on because it either ended up upsetting her, or got glossed over and rolled into wedding planning. I spoke to another friend about my problems, and Bride got mad that I wasn't confiding in her. 

She ended up making a lot of demands on her BP (which I really hope you won't do), and I couldn't cope with it all. I burned out, I just couldn't keep up with everything she wanted and everything that was going on in my life at the time as well, and there was a lot of resentment on both sides. Still, on the day I got up, dressed up, showed up, and stood up with her. She bumped me from the main table (after weeks of telling me I was sitting with them) and put me at a table of girls from our school, who I really never got on with. The whole reception was uncomfortable for me, and I left "early" (when the best man left, which was well after all the traditional bits had been done).

Afterwards, she sent me a Facebook message to the effect that she thought I had behaved appallingly, and she didn't want to be friends any more. It took a year for us to patch things up, and now we're friends again, but we are not and will never be the same. She will never again be my best friend and I will never again be hers, and that hurts so much. 

I understand why you feel hurt that your friend doesn't want to be in your BP, but there may be something else at play here. Maybe ask her, in a non-confrontational way, why she's not comfortable being your BM. Be open to what she has to say, don't push her to change her mind, and don't take it (whatever it is) personally. The worst that can happen by you talking about it is that you get a better understanding of each other, and that can never be a bad thing for a friendship.

Good luck with everything!

ElcaB

I'm sorry; that's kind of a bummer. Remember, though, there could be something you don't know that is preventing her from wanting to be a BM. Or, maybe she just doesn't want to. 

If you want her to be part of it, ask her. My thinking is, if she doesn't want to or cannot participate as a BM she will respectfully decline. 

phira

I hear you. I think what's making her behavior a lot more disappointing and inadvertently hurtful is that she's still very YAY YOUR WEDDING! happy--talking/asking a lot about your wedding and sending/suggesting ideas.

How perceptive is she about hints? If she's as perceptive as you are, I might hint to her that (while you're not angry with her) you'd appreciate if she laid off the wedding talk.

hikebikebemerry

I can see why you're feeling bummed or sad, but I would look at it like this:

She had you in her WP because she thought that it would make you happy.  By respecting her wishes to enjoy the wedding as a guest, you are making her happy.

Cookie Pusher

Amahdi93 said:

Honestly she's probably just shy to be in the actual wedding, as in up in front of all those people. Also she might think its rude to ask herself to be in YOUR wedding. 

Ps. Please Help Me, I need people to please spread the word, or donate or our wedding could never happen  https://fundly.com/give-her-the-wedding-of-her-dreams

Did you just... no, no you couldn't have... you're asking a bunch of virtual strangers to help fund your wedding?!

HisGirlFriday13

Amahdi93 said:

Honestly she's probably just shy to be in the actual wedding, as in up in front of all those people. Also she might think its rude to ask herself to be in YOUR wedding. 

Ps. Please Help Me, I need people to please spread the word, or donate or our wedding could never happen  https://fundly.com/give-her-the-wedding-of-her-dreams

FFS

@KnotPorscha, spam alert.

Although I realise it's quarter past nine, so it'll be another four hours 'til this gets addressed.

phira

@Amahdi93 Please tell Scott that if he really wants to get married, it doesn't cost $9000. Go to city hall.

BreMR

Amahdi93 said:

Honestly she's probably just shy to be in the actual wedding, as in up in front of all those people. Also she might think its rude to ask herself to be in YOUR wedding. 

Ps. Please Help Me, I need people to please spread the word, or donate or our wedding could never happen  https://fundly.com/give-her-the-wedding-of-her-dreams

SmileDamnit

Amahdi93 said:

Honestly she's probably just shy to be in the actual wedding, as in up in front of all those people. Also she might think its rude to ask herself to be in YOUR wedding. 

Ps. Please Help Me, I need people to please spread the word, or donate or our wedding could never happen  https://fundly.com/give-her-the-wedding-of-her-dreams

Ummmm....I think you should skip the begging for wedding money and instead focus on funding the 600 kids you want. Priorities, Scott!

*edited to add: Sorry OP - I can see how it would be hurtful, but as PP pointed out, sometimes people just don't have any desire to be a BM. 

climbingsingle

I can totally understand. I'm sorry!

AddieCake

Amahdi93 said:

Honestly she's probably just shy to be in the actual wedding, as in up in front of all those people. Also she might think its rude to ask herself to be in YOUR wedding. 

Ps. Please Help Me, I need people to please spread the word, or donate or our wedding could never happen  https://fundly.com/give-her-the-wedding-of-her-dreams

No, thanks. I don't know you. I don't even know you from the boards. Why would I give you money? I need new dictionaries for my classroom. Are you going to give me money for those?

wandajune6

It stinks when your friends disappoint you. It's even harder when you want to feel like they're as available to you as you were to them. While I'm sure it wasn't her intention, sharing wedding information is like pouring salt on the wound. As PPs have mentioned, I would be curious if there was something else going on that she hasn't shared. Regardless, wouldn't you rather have BMs who actually want to be included?

That aside, I love this line from the site:

"I want to give the Love of my life, the wedding of her dreams god knows she deserves it for all that shes done, but I need your help. All money after requested will go to charity"

That makes the request better, right?!

phira

wandajune6 said:

It stinks when your friends disappoint you. It's even harder when you want to feel like they're as available to you as you were to them. While I'm sure it wasn't her intention, sharing wedding information is like pouring salt on the wound. As PPs have mentioned, I would be curious if there was something else going on that she hasn't shared. Regardless, wouldn't you rather have BMs who actually want to be included?

That aside, I love this line from the site:

"I want to give the Love of my life, the wedding of her dreams god knows she deserves it for all that shes done, but I need your help. All money after requested will go to charity"

That makes the request better, right?!

OBVIOUSLY!

faithdevilsbee

Thanks ladies!

(Except the one begging for money and hijacking my post. I'M the snowflake in the wahhhmbulance right now, not you!)

I know she just wants to avoid the dramaz that can come of these things, and I totally get it.  She unfortunately had a lot surrounding her wedding because her MOH was, for lack of a better term, a borderline psychotic overbearing control freak with little regard for other people's feelings.  I just have a bitter taste in my mouth because I did A LOT of things to help her out personally, plus contributed a lot financially to both the bridal shower and bachelorette party.  All I'm asking her to do is buy a dress, stand next to me, and have a few pictures taken.  It feels a bit like a one sided relationship, blah blah blah I'll stop bitching now. My ride's here.

 

"

 

 

faithdevilsbee

BTW, @AddieCake, I love the color mix in your bouquets in your photo. Gorgeous.

AddieCake

@faithdevilsbee‌ Thank you!

phira

My sister backed out of being a bridesmaid, and as a lot of people here know, I was really upset about it. I was mostly upset because her decision had a lot to do with family politics, and I was under a lot of pressure to play the, "Just let your sister do whatever she wants so she'll be happy" game. But I was also frustrated because all she was basically refusing to do was: 1) stand up front during the ceremony, and 2) be called a "bridesmaid."

What's helped me move on from it is that I know how hard it is to say no when you're asked to be in a wedding party, and it took a lot of courage for her to even back out. It also helps that, well ... I'd rather have someone not want to be a bridesmaid than have someone hurt that I didn't ask.

beethery

Amahdi93 said:

Honestly she's probably just shy to be in the actual wedding, as in up in front of all those people. Also she might think its rude to ask herself to be in YOUR wedding. 

Ps. Please Help Me, I need people to please spread the word, or donate or our wedding could never happen  (there was a link here but I got rid of it)
GO TO A JOP, GET YOUR LEGAL MARRIAGE*, AND CUT THIS SHIT OUT.

http://realitytvgifs.tumblr.com/tagged/bye

http://realitytvgifs.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-kidding-me

and I literally JUST MADE THIS, FOR THIS POST:

*JOP marriage, if she loves you so super much, should be PLENTY GOOD ENOUGH.

faithdevilsbee

Well between this, and my sister, I'm 99% positive I'm just having a MOH and no other attendants. I told my FI he can have as many groomsmen as he wants, I'm not concerned about the equal numbers.  I'm the poster of that "Excluding Family from Bridal Party" on the WP board.  The friend doesn't want to put up with my sister, and I don't want to put up with my sister, but now I won't have to deal with anyone who doesn't want to be a *positive* part of my day. Bummed I won't get the look of multiple bridesmaids, but that's clearly a ridiculous notion to hold on to if everyone will be miserable.  I'm fully aware how pathetic my problems sound in the grand scheme.

arrippa

Amahdi93 said:

Honestly she's probably just shy to be in the actual wedding, as in up in front of all those people. Also she might think its rude to ask herself to be in YOUR wedding.

Ps. Please Help Me, I need people to please spread the word, or donate or our wedding could never happen https://fundly.com/give-her-the-wedding-of-her-dreams

Only if you donate to mine first.

mrsmorales2be

@faithdevilsbee - are you absolutely sure there wasn't just a miscommunication? Perhaps she was only saying she was ok with being a guest, because she didn't want to presume that you would ask her to be in the wedding party?

faithdevilsbee

@mrsmorales2be it was pretty straightforward, considering it followed this statement "My sister had the nerve to ask me if I was going to have you in my BP, and I told her it was a good possibility" Yeah, no grey area there. Oh well.

mrsmorales2be

Well, I was hoping for you!  That's too bad. 

BlackLace2015

I find this very strange, especially since you were just in her wedding. I would never shurk that minor responsibility if someone had just done it for me!  I feel like if you are such good friends you would know if she was too shy/busy/etc and all those other reasons. If you cant figure out what the reason might be, maybe she isn't actually hinting that she wouldn't want to be in it? Maybe she's just afraid you won't ask her and wants to make sure you know it would be okay? I would straight up ask her (in a kind and open-minded manner of course).