Nickname vs. Legal First Name on envelopes

April192002

I have 2 probably common but tricky situations when it comes to addressing envelopes.

    1. My future FIL has always gone by his middle name (he has the same first name as his late father). When addressing his should I put his full first/middle/last name or maybe first initial and full middle/last name?

  2. My future MIL goes only by a nickname, and is quick to correct anyone who calls/introduces her otherwise. If I put her legal first name I will probably hear about it years after the wedding but she's also educated and probably knows the whole etiquette thing, and I might hear about that instead if I don't put her legal name. If I had to choose which one I'd rather hear her talk about, it'd probably be the etiquette.

I was planning on using only 1 envelope but now I think I need 2 (especially for them) so I can feel good about properly address the outer envelopes but they can keep the inner one without the postage and "wrong" names.

lyndausvi

1)  My cousin also went by his first  middle name.  We went more of the formal route so we addressed it Mr J. Patrick Smith.

2)  She is your FMIL, call her and asker directly.  Just say "I'm about to address the envelopes and was wonder how you prefer to be addressed".   It's not that big of a deal to ask her preference.   How are you to know otherwise?

ETA

ohoymate

As someone who has both parents who go by their middle names (and hate their first names), I will tell you that my parents would prefer to be addressed by their middle names. Even on formal envelopes. They only use their first names for legal documents and such (bank accounts, social security, etc.).

But, then again, I know this because I know them very well. I would ask your FI, and if he's clueless, just ask them.

Maggie0829

ohoymate said:

As someone who has both parents who go by their middle names (and hate their first names), I will tell you that my parents would prefer to be addressed by their middle names. Even on formal envelopes. They only use their first names for legal documents and such (bank accounts, social security, etc.).

But, then again, I know this because I know them very well. I would ask your FI, and if he's clueless, just ask them.

Same with my parents and same with me who goes by my middle names nickname.  I mean we all don't care if you address an envelope with our formal first names but that is just not what we go by...ever, so to be addressed that way is just weird to us.

Honestly I would just ask what they prefer.

phira

I'd err on the side of asking what they'd prefer. Which reminds me that I have a LOT of people I need to ask, for the same exact reason.

My partner is actually being a little weird about it. He wanted to do full legal first names for everybody, until I pointed out several examples of people who I know wouldn't prefer that (a few people who go by middle names, and a lot of people who go by nicknames to the point where most people don't know their legal names). And I also pointed out that he himself goes by a nickname and always prefers invitations addressed to his nickname. So, we're asking.

HisGirlFriday13

Ask them. Seriously. Just.Ask.Them.

The cantor for our wedding goes by her middle name. I've never once, in the 20+ years she's been in my life, addressed her by her first name.

My husband goes by a diminutive of his name (Matt instead of Matthew). He HATES getting mail addressed to Matthew, because that's his father's name (he's a junior), and it reminds him of his father.

Fundamentally, as I keep saying until I'm blue in the face, etiquette is about your guests' comfort. It's not about forcing people into boxes where they don't really fit, or forcing titles, salutations, and forms of address on them because that's what's 'proper.' It's about making them feel comfortable and welcomed. 

If that means you use a middle name (which is what they go by) or a nickname (because that's what they prefer), you do that. Their preference trumps your desire to hew strictly to standards.

SewInLoveWithDMB

If you think you'd hear about it later - ask them. If you know their personalities, address them with the names as you know them.

For example: One close invitee is known as "Cindy" but is really a "Cynthia." I KNOW if I had written Cynthia, she would have been offended. Asking her would have also made her think I was nuts.

Another goes by "TJ" instead of "Thomas John." He has never referred to himself as Thomas John - not in life, facebook, work, etc. I only remember the fact that it is "Thomas John" cause I have a good memory, but I'm sure that all of our mutual friends have no idea what it really stands for. (His last name is also a shortened version of his "real" last name, but again - it is what he goes by on a daily basis.) So, I wrote "TJ Shortname" instead of "Thomas John ShortnameWithExtraVowels." Had I written the long full name, I know he would have been like, "What?!?"

But, in other cases where I solely call friends "Jen" but know they are "Jennifer" - I would write Jennifer.

Are your Future ILs still married? Cause if you only have an exterior envelope, this will only be an issue for one of them (Mr. and Mrs. E. John Smith for example). Just curious.

saacjw

I'm all about what going with whatever someone prefers and checking. Three of my best friends go by nicknames, to the point where people don't realize what their first name actually is. One likes her first name in formal settings, so her envelop was Mrs. Katherine Jones, another likes her nickname at all times, so was Ms Katie Smith, and another goes by his middle name, but in professional settings does the initial.middle- so J. John Smith. On the flip side- my husband grew up with a nickname that he has started to shake, so he grew up Jimmy and now prefers James. People, mostly his family, address things to Jimmy, which annoys him, so definately check. 

RebeccaFlower

I use my full name, but I always think it's odd when people never use their full name for anything, then all the sudden it's on invites and things. I know it's legal, but it's unhelpful if no one knows who are you. 

I knew a girl who used her full name for her registry and no one could find it because they didn't know the spelling and first & last were required for the search. 

phira

RebeccaFlower said:

I use my full name, but I always think it's odd when people never use their full name for anything, then all the sudden it's on invites and things. I know it's legal, but it's unhelpful if no one knows who are you. 

I knew a girl who used her full name for her registry and no one could find it because they didn't know the spelling and first & last were required for the search. 

Same here. When my partner first sent me an email, I was so confused because the email was clearly from "Edward" and I was like, "I thought Ned was supposed to email me?" (Names are changed.) But I've always only ever gone by my full name. I sign my name as my full first name and refer to myself the same way.

lyndausvi

My husband is weird.    He likes to be called Chef Vinny.  Yet he orders his chef jackets with Vincent on the them.   It's confusing for the guests.   He as he always introduces himself to them as Chef Vinny, yet the name on his jacket is something else.

 Everyone calls him Vinny or Vin.  Never Vincent.   I only call him Vincent if I need his attention.  Yep it's like his mom is calling for him.  He perks up and  immediately gives me his full attention,  It's hilarious.   

Weird boy.

My brother is a John but has always gone by Jack. We always put his legal name on invites.

It really depends on the person so its best to ask.

melbenso

We addressed our invites to people by the names we knew them by.  For example, my uncle's given name is John, but he has always gone by Jack. I have never, in my life, heard anyone call him John, even my grandmother. So his invite was addressed to Mr. Jack Smith.

If the nickname is a more casual, group of friends type nickname, I'd put their actual name. (e.g. I call one of my friends Scotty, but he generally goes by Scott, so his invite was addressed to Mr. Scott Jones.)

EDT: Correcting name we put on invite.  My brain is already on a long weekend.

ashleyep

My friend goes by his middle name, but the invitation for his wedding had his first name on it. I got their invite and was like "who the heck is Benjamin?" Save the Date was addressed to his middle name, but the invitation will have his first name. We've talked about it and I know he doesn't care. 

Can you have your FI ask?

Blue & White

I actually asked one of my friend's moms what her husband wanted to be addressed as. Her husband's response was "Well, the only people that call him Arthur are the Navy and IRS." lol - so I mean, sometimes the stories are worth asking for

huskypuppy14

We have a few guests that go by their middle name or nickname (like the TJ example) so we used those on the invitations. However, for people whose names are Michael or Christopher or Matthew, but go by the shortened version normally, we put their full name. 

My sister is married, so on the invitation it didn't affect her, but she never goes by her full name, always her nickname. So any correspondence I send to her is always her nickname.

ETA: paragraphs

kitty8403

I would say first of all, never try to call someone by their legal name unless a. You know what it is, and b. you are positive of the spelling. After that, it's a judgment call. In general I find younger people prefer nicknames, but there are always exceptions, so if you are really stumped, either call them by what you usually would call them, or ask.

But don't assume you know. I go by a diminutive that most people associate with a very common name. If they were to guess at my legal name without checking, they are almost guaranteed to be wrong.

CMGragain

Everyone is different.  I have two first names.  My parents never agreed on my name, but it turns out that Dad got hold of the birth certificate last, and put what he wanted.  The two names are not related.  I didn't find out what my legal name was until age 15.
When I entered the working world, it was easier to just use my legal name, rather than the one my Mom insisted I use.  Explaining it made no sense to anyone (unless they knew my Mom).  There was a big controversy when I was married.  Which name should I have printed on my invitation?  I used my legal name.  I sign my legal name on all important legal papers, checks, and anything work related.  I sign the other name on letters to family and close friends.
I was SO HAPPY to become Mrs. John Doe!  Much easier!  Jane Susan Mary (Smith) Doe.

JellyBean52513

My SO goes by about 3 different names depending on who he's around.... his friends either call him his actual name or his nickname, while his family either calls him his actual name or his "family name" (which, coincidentally, is almost exactly like the nickname.... but neither are a derivative of the other. It's a little confusing). He would expect a formal invitation to be made out to his actual name. Meanwhile, all of his friends call me by my nickname (which is nothing at all like my actual name, it is TRULY a nickname) and some of them might even have to ask what my real name is because I have NEVER addressed myself that way to them and I know my SO hasn't, either. 

From what I remember of my mother, she goes only by her middle name. The only people that address her by her first name are government officials. If she were to receive an invitation addressed to her first name, she would be majorly annoyed because she simply does not go by that.

I would have FI ask his mom what she'd prefer to have the invitation, program book, and place cards reflect and leave it at that. There's nothing harmful in asking. He can even stress that you want to be "proper" but it's important that you identify her by the name she wants to go by.

OwningAHome1981

I hate my legal first name and I go by another name totally unrelated to my legal name. Not talking Jennifer Vs Jen here. I was very adamant about not using my legal name but my parents paid for the invitations so I lost that battle. When the invites came some of the people like the parents cousins and co-workers had no idea whose wedding it was when they got invites lol. I vote use the name ppl are most familiar with.

April192002

Thank you for all of the input. After reading everything I think I'll just use the names they used when introducing themselves. It was never my name's ___ but everyone calls me ____. I'm sure I'll end up double checking with them when I'm about to write it.

HisGirlFriday13

huskypuppy14 said:

We have a few guests that go by their middle name or nickname (like the TJ example) so we used those on the invitations. However, for people whose names are Michael or Christopher or Matthew, but go by the shortened version normally, we put their full name. 

My sister is married, so on the invitation it didn't affect her, but she never goes by her full name, always her nickname. So any correspondence I send to her is always her nickname.

ETA: paragraphs

I would just caution that, for some people, they might not like this.

DH goes by a shortened name -- Matt instead of Matthew, as an example. He is a junior and FUCKING HATES his full name, because it's his assholes father's. If he gets something addressed to 'Matthew' and it's not from the government or his employer, he will chuck it out -- including wedding invitations.

His rationale is that anyone who knows him knows he goes by 'Matt' and if they don't, he's not interested in attending their event.

I have dug things out of the trash to fill out RSVP cards.