Woe is Me: No Gift Edition

grumbledore

http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/how-do-deal-with-guest-who-didnt-even-give-card/b681063149b2b036.html

http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/rant-really-regret-inviting-my-coworkers/0547b68221a05727.html

beachyone15

Oh the humanity!!!

cupcait927

Saw both of those yesterday. I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough reading their sob stories.

HisGirlFriday13

I'll be honest, the only people whom I remember NOT giving us gifts are the people BSC granny INSISTED we invite because they'd 'give you nice cheques.'

I didn't expect cheques (or gifts), and DH would have invited those people without her insisting on it, but I found the irony amusing.

Simply Fated

The first one...
Telling someone off because they didn't give a card? Seriously? Or, worse, telling them SARCASTICALLY that it must have gotten lost. What if it really had gotten lost? Gifts, even cards, aren't mandatory. If she didn't want to invite him, she shouldn't have invited him.

The second one....
OMFG. She said she didn't need anything. So they didn't get her anything. WTF did she expect?
Granted, a card would have been nice, but certainly not mandatory. I love how it always boils down to money. Like, of cooourse they could afford it, they're engineers!! Duhhhh.
I'm wondering if there is another reason they have stopped inviting her to join them for lunch.




I'm definitely one of those people who would have at least brought a card, but if someone didn't my first thought would never to be, "That guest must be cheap/tacky/rude." My first thought would be that it might have been lost or postponed. My second thought would be to get over it. I can't imagine wanting to tell someone off for it or reacting sarcastically to the guest. My goodness.
And, seriously, why is it always about the price? "It's only 99 cents!" or "She's a very successful lawyer!" It doesn't matter. If they don't get you anything, they don't get you anything. It's not like wealthier people are automatically more generous than lower income people.

misshart00

"Anyone can go to tj maxx and get a $20 gift."

Even if they did, you would be complaining that they bought you something cheap that wasn't on your registry.

ShadeofGreen816

Wow. People are really speshul. 

I do have a piggy back question though. While I plan to send TY notes to everyone regardless because why not err on the side of TOO polite… I'm not sure I understand the idea of sending a "thank you for coming to the wedding" card if they choose not to give a gift. Isn't that the purpose of the reception? 

Thank you for coming to our thank you to eat and drink!

delujm0

I don't understand why everyone is telling the first bride that it's rude to not send a thank you card to a person who didn't get her a gift.  WTF is going on.  His gift was his presence at the ceremony, and her thank you was the reception.  Nothing else is required.

 

I'm mostly floored that brides who will tell you that a PPD is totes cool, and that a cash bar is "regionally acceptable," and that the Catholic Gap is "totally unavoidable and if they love you they won't care!" will also tell you to send too many thank you cards?  what is this madness.

sarawifenow

I was actually impressed that most of the responses were telling them to get over it. I just don't get how people can find something to complain about with EVERYTHING!

sarawifenow

SarahRN87 said:

Wow. People are really speshul. 

I do have a piggy back question though. While I plan to send TY notes to everyone regardless because why not err on the side of TOO polite… I'm not sure I understand the idea of sending a "thank you for coming to the wedding" card if they choose not to give a gift. Isn't that the purpose of the reception? 

Thank you for coming to our thank you to eat and drink!

I take the view on it as an additional thank you for taking the time out of your day to celebrate with us sort of thing.

Simply Fated

About the thank you cards... no, you don't have to send a card if there was no gift. The thank you not id for the gift. Thanking a guest for coming to the wedding is a bit redundant.
I did not know that the reception was the "thank you" for coming to the ceremony until I came here and there could be other people out there that don't know, either. I think that's why there is some doubt as to who gets thank you cards.

MNVegas

Can't believe those two brides are wasting so much energy being upset about a card. Must be nice to have nothing really important to worry about in your life except a piece of paper.

SapphireCounselor

I'm always curious when these threads come up...how in the world do people figure out that certain people didn't give them a gift? It just seems like a stupid thing to waste energy on trying to figure out. (Unless it was someone obvious, like a key family member or bridal party member. Even then they owe you nothing, but I can see how that would stand out in someone's mind.) We had a relatively small wedding and I still couldn't tell you if there was anybody who didn't give us a gift. Not that it would have mattered in the slightest to us anyway. We were just happy to celebrate with everyone.

ashleyep

SarahRN87 said:

Wow. People are really speshul. 

I do have a piggy back question though. While I plan to send TY notes to everyone regardless because why not err on the side of TOO polite… I'm not sure I understand the idea of sending a "thank you for coming to the wedding" card if they choose not to give a gift. Isn't that the purpose of the reception? 

Thank you for coming to our thank you to eat and drink!

We got a "thank you for coming" card and it was kind of weird. The reception is the thank you. We also sent a check the next day (we were running late and didn't have time to stop for a card on the way - and then we were the only one's there at invitation time. Guess we could have stopped after all) and they made no note of our gift. 

They did include a 5x7 of a photo of us from the wedding and I thought that was really cute!

beethery

Hello, welcome to my party that is all about how rad I am. I do not know you, but I insisted that you show up because it is rude not to give a gift to the PERSON OF RADNESS.

NOW, .

GET TO IT, STRANGER BITCH.

pinkcow13

Oh, FFS.

blabla89

I can only imagine what kind of horrific etiquette violations the second bride must have committed to make her coworkers not want to have lunch with her anymore.

As for the first bride, she needs to come over here and get schooled, but I want to high five the first person who commented on that thread.

laperle

LOL. So I'm the OP of the second thread and just happened to be lurking. Was reading the stickies on cash bars and PPDs (agree with everyone here). I think people on WW are a bit too much of a "you go girl type" so I came over here to look around.

I'm cool with being trolled. But just to say, I was never upset they didn't get a gift. When I tell a person not I worry about it, I mean it. Many people on my husband's side didn't bring a thing. The no card thing irked me at first (it's considered very bad etiquette where I'm from) but it was more the way they acted after. I'm aware I was being overly sensitive yesterday though. Was having a general awful day.

Anyway, I do feel embarrassed for letting little stuff like that get to me and admit to feeling the wrong sort of emotions. At the end of the day, I'm overjoyed at being married to the love of my life

dgirl82

We didn’t get gifts from about half our guests and were totally fine with it since it was a DW and them being there was more than enough of a gift (in my opinion).

 Edit - question was answered above.  My bad for not reading the entire thread before asking.  

sophhabobopha

These people deserve coal for Christmas.

hyechica81

as for the co workers asking her what she wanted they intended to give her a gift of something she could use, when she clearly wanted cash and they were not about to give her any so they showed up empty handed,

manateehugger

I can't stand the "they just wanted a free meal!!!!" outrage. 

1. Don't invite people who don't care about your marriage

2. Don't serve a meal if you don't want people to have a free meal

AddieCake

I didn't make a big deal of it, but I confess I was rather taken aback and bummed that one of my dearest friends didn't so much as give us a card at our wedding. 

laperle

1. Nope not a trap

2. Didn't have a registry because we had everything we needed. Didn't have a shower either. Never asked for cash in any way shape or form and didn't care if people came empty handed. Many people came with just a card and we thought that was wonderful. We made sure to save enough money to pay for the entire wedding ourselves and not have to worry about gifts

3. PDKH, the first point is really what I regretted. I admit I'm from a different country and have had a hard time making friends here. This group has always been a bit cliquish. What I regret is thinking I would be more accepted by them which is really on me.

ashleyep

AddieCake said:

I didn't make a big deal of it, but I confess I was rather taken aback and bummed that one of my dearest friends didn't so much as give us a card at our wedding. 

We make a big deal about posts like these, but at least they're just having a quick vent with internet strangers rather than saying anything to their loved ones.

The second one anyway, not the first one. "What should I doooo?" Nothing, that's what you do.

melbenso

WTF? 

I am getting married in a little over a month.  At this point, I am just super excited that several people we invited that I wasn't sure would be able to make it are going to come.  They don't need to get me anything.  They are traveling to see me get married and that is awesome.

As a side note, only once have FI and I not given a gift at a wedding (we did give a card).  And that was because it was an out of town wedding that was very expensive to travel to and we couldn't afford to give a gift after spending nearly $1,000 on hotel, plane and train tickets, etc.  The bride (old friend of FI) was so excited to see us there, because she didn't expect that he would be able to come, that I don't think she even noticed.  And she still speaks to FI regularly and is hoping to be able to come to our wedding, despite the fact that she and her husband live in Hong Kong now. 

banana468

I'll be honest. DH and I do remember one couple that was fairly cheap. They're better friends of his and their gift was notably less than others given and they previously had their hands out for wedding, stag and doe and baby shower events. We now know that this isn't a thing to take personally but we also know that they're not going to offer to bring anything as a hostess gift either.

annathy03

We had quite a few guests that didn't get us anything, which is fine. I don't even mind the no card thing, except that without a well-wishes card I worry that they did get us something and we didn't receive it somehow, and how much of an ass I'll look like not sending a thank you for said unknown gift.

[Deleted User]

I've brought a card to a wedding, forgotten it in my purse, found it the next day, and never mailed it because it was just a card.  Things happen.

HisGirlFriday13

flantastic said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'll be honest, the only people whom I remember NOT giving us gifts are the people BSC granny INSISTED we invite because they'd 'give you nice cheques.'

I didn't expect cheques (or gifts), and DH would have invited those people without her insisting on it, but I found the irony amusing.

A hill that I came close to dying on were all the FIL family friends who I had NEVER EVER MET OR HEARD OF BEFORE THIS WEDDING even after 6 years with FI. Some were important to FI growing up, so fine, happy to meet you at my wedding, I guess. Others were not so important to FI. These people of course must be invited so that FMIL looks good socially, which of course she never said directly. I kept pressing for a compelling reason, and the only one I'd get was "Well, they probably won't come all the way from here to your hometown anyway, but they'll send a nice gift."

I don't give a shit about the gifts. In my mind, "they don't care enough about FI to come but they'll feel the social pressure to send a nice gift because they're well-off" is one of the worst reasons to invite someone to my wedding.

FI and I did manage to cut some. FMIL kept pressuring us for her "number" she could invite (um, no one unless you're paying, which you aren't) and it was important to me that FI and I be able to personally do the inviting. FMIL's mistake was giving us her "wish list"... so we had the names and could add or not add people to the guest list as we saw fit.

Oh, granny also had a 'wish list.' And a B-list. Neither of which I gave any fucks about, nor did DH. We bean-dipped her. A lot.

She also had a desire to invite people because of how it would look socially for her. Too bad. My mom got to play that card because my parents paid for the reception. No pay=no say. Period.

lyndausvi

My one PITA brother didn't get us anything. Not even a card.   Completely par for the course for them.   BIL didn't get us anything either.  I thought that was odd because it's unlike his family. It definitely not a relationship changer.

   I could not tell you about anyone else though.  I had a list of who gave gifts for TY note purposes.  Easier to look and check off I wrote the note than a stack of cards.  However, I never compared the gift list to the invite list.