Bridesmaid help!

kirk&jessica

So I've been engaged for a year and right away asked my friends to be bridesmaids. And right away I know I wanted everyone to wear cowboy boots, therefore they have had a year to save up. Well my wedding is 16 days away and two days ago one of my bridesmaid told me (her fiance is a groomsmen) that she didn't know how they were going to afford his boots. Today I asked her if she has figure it out to see what I could do to help and she told me that they'll just have to bite the bullet and buy them which sucks because he'll never wear them again. It's like she's trying to make me feel guilty, and honestly I do feel bad but at the same time they've had a year to save up, and now with just 16 days left there isn't much I can do. Also, the same bridesmaid refuses to get ready with us because she has a two year old at home ( which I told her she was more than welcome to bring him), which complicated things for me. I wanted certain pictures of us while getting ready but she won't be there, she plans to show up at our first look, I honestly feel like she isn't being very fair. Am I being unreasonable and what should I do?

NYCMercedes

kirk&jessica said:

So I've been engaged for a year and right away asked my friends to be bridesmaids. And right away I know I wanted everyone to wear cowboy boots, therefore they have had a year to save up. Well my wedding is 16 days away and two days ago one of my bridesmaid told me (her fiance is a groomsmen) that she didn't know how they were going to afford his boots. Today I asked her if she has figure it out to see what I could do to help and she told me that they'll just have to bite the bullet and buy them which sucks because he'll never wear them again. It's like she's trying to make me feel guilty, and honestly I do feel bad but at the same time they've had a year to save up, and now with just 16 days left there isn't much I can do. Also, the same bridesmaid refuses to get ready with us because she has a two year old at home ( which I told her she was more than welcome to bring him), which complicated things for me. I wanted certain pictures of us while getting ready but she won't be there, she plans to show up at our first look, I honestly feel like she isn't being very fair. Am I being unreasonable and what should I do?

It isn't up to you to be involved in the groomsmen's attire, let alone their footwear, as the groom takes care of the groomsmen. Additionally, unless they are wearing shorts, nobody will see their boots/shoes. Even if a guest could see them, nobody would care what a groomsman has on his feet. As far as the BM not being there for getting ready pictures, cut her a break, she has a two year old. So yes, you are being unreasonable and should let both issues die a slow death.

banana468

I think you're being unreasonable.

If cowboy boots were a priority then you should have purchased them. Your wedding party should not be expected to buy them at all.

You need to let it go that she's not bringing the 2 yo. That's a tough age and I wouldn't bring my child to a get ready event with the girls. If her childcare options are limited, it's probably easiest to do it that way.

Basically, you owe her an apology and you need to relax your expectations.

lyndausvi

I love my cowboy boots. Wear them all the time. DH will not touch them. Decent ones cost a good amount of money. No way we are going to waste that kind of money on something he isn't going to wear again. So yes, I think you are being unreasonable. In addition to that, fiances often change. One day we were planning on going away to a DW and the next day we had to cancel because DH lost his job. The next year DH had a medical scare that cost us $5K out of pocket. That resulted in twice a year tests that cost us $800 per test out of pocket a year. Some of our friends know about the scare, but none know about his extra testing. Point being is you do not know what is going on in his life financial. So cut the "they had a year to save" crap. We happen to be in a decent financial situation but often others are not. Especially when just starting out in life. Spending $100+ on cowboys that will never be worn again is low on people's priority list. Sorry, no paragraphs.

MamaAlly89

You're being unreasonable. If you expected all of your bridesmaids to wear a certain pair of shoes you should have purchased them yourself. Also, as a bridesmaid your friend is only required to show up for the ceremony. You should be more understanding of her situation.

ohannabelle

"Am I being unreasonable and what should I do?"

Yes, you are. Unreasonable, and unfair. You should apologize. 

perdonami

Shes trying to passively let you know that it is unfair to require that she and the rest of the entire wedding party to buy matching shoes. If you and your fiance really wants the entire bridal party to wear cowboy boots you need to pay for them. 

All that is required of a bridesmaid is to wear the dress and arrive on time to your ceremony sober.

 

kmmssg

@banana468 and @lyndausvi hit the nail on the head.  If you wanted the boots you should have paid for them.  That is an expensive one-time wear accessory for people who don't wear cowboy boots.

How would you like it if a bride asked you to spend 100+ on a pair of BM shoes you would never wear again?

You are overreacting on all counts here.

Hisprinc3ss

No excuse for her. You can feel concerned but no need to feel guilty.
Get a baby sitter!!

Hisprinc3ss

Simple. Don't say yes if you can't afford it. Budget! Feel free to save the receipt and return it

Maggie0829

Hisprinc3ss said:

No excuse for her. You can feel concerned but no need to feel guilty.
Get a baby sitter!!

What?!

Hisprinc3ss

She can ask someone to watch her child while they take pictures and get ready. The bride said she can bring her child. Some people don't even allow children at their wedding. It's the day of the event.

Hisprinc3ss

Some people want to wear sneakers, some people want shoes, some want cowboy boots, everyone has their thing.

Hisprinc3ss

And btw my fiance helped pick out my bridesmaid dresses, lol. Who says she can't pick what the groom and his men get to wear. Enjoy your day, have fun, make memories. And yes don't be a bridezilla but be courteous yet assertive. There is nothing wrong with that

Maggie0829

Hisprinc3ss said:

She can ask someone to watch her child while they take pictures and get ready. The bride said she can bring her child. Some people don't even allow children at their wedding. It's the day of the event.

Maybe the Mother doesn't want to ask someone to watch her child. She does not have to be there for getting ready pictures she only needs to be there for the actual ceremony. This is just another thing that the bride needs to get over.  And just because the bride is allowing children at her wedding doesn't mean that she is some amazing Mother Theresa type person.  It also doesn't mean that the Mother of the child now owes the bride something for allowing her child to be there.  If that is the way the bride really thinks (meaning she thinks that since she is doing a favor by allowing this child to come to the wedding that her BM must now attend getting ready pictures as payment for her being oh so nice) then that is horrible.

Hisprinc3ss

Maggie0829 I get what you're saying, but she wants her friend to be there for her and for the pictures. To tell her she's being unreasonable in my opinion isn't fair to her either. If she is in the wedding she must be a very close friend. All my bridesmaids except for 2 of them have children not just a child. And they want to be there with me for those memories and every step of the way I like I was for them when they were getting married.

Maggie0829

Hisprinc3ss said:

Maggie0829 I get what you're saying, but she wants her friend to be there for her and for the pictures. To tell her she's being unreasonable in my opinion isn't fair to her either. If she is in the wedding she must be a very close friend. All my bridesmaids except for 2 of them have children not just a child. And they want to be there with me for those memories and every step of the way I like I was for them when they were getting married.

The bride is being unreasonable.  She not only wants her bridal party to buy boots that they will most likely never wear again she also wants her friend to be there for pictures that aren't even necessary even though she knows she has a child to take care of.  Guess what?  The child comes first in this BMs eyes, like he/she should.  This BM is not missing the wedding she is just missing some of the getting ready pictures that will probably never see the light of day once they are placed in a wedding album.  It is great that your friends made it work so that they could be there with you but if they weren't that didn't mean that they loved you any less.  You can't expect the world to stop turning and people's lives to be put on hold just because it is your wedding.  This BM has every right to want to take care of her child and then arrive at the ceremony in time for the wedding.

Hisprinc3ss

Of course her child comes first that's non-negotiable. I agree. All I'm saying is that yes the world shouldn't stop, but it's only one day, not everyday.

Maggie0829

Hisprinc3ss said:

Of course her child comes first that's non-negotiable. I agree. All I'm saying is that yes the world shouldn't stop, but it's only one day, not everyday.

But even on that one day, the fact that she has a child doesn't cease to exist. She still has her own life with a child to take care of and she needs to do what she needs to do. She can't drop everything nor does she need to to be there for getting ready pictures. By accepting to be a BM she promised to be there for the wedding not anything more.

mysticl

kirk&jessica said:

So I've been engaged for a year and right away asked my friends to be bridesmaids. And right away I know I wanted everyone to wear cowboy boots, therefore they have had a year to save up. Well my wedding is 16 days away and two days ago one of my bridesmaid told me (her fiance is a groomsmen) that she didn't know how they were going to afford his boots. Today I asked her if she has figure it out to see what I could do to help and she told me that they'll just have to bite the bullet and buy them which sucks because he'll never wear them again. It's like she's trying to make me feel guilty, and honestly I do feel bad but at the same time they've had a year to save up, and now with just 16 days left there isn't much I can do. Also, the same bridesmaid refuses to get ready with us because she has a two year old at home ( which I told her she was more than welcome to bring him), which complicated things for me. I wanted certain pictures of us while getting ready but she won't be there, she plans to show up at our first look, I honestly feel like she isn't being very fair. Am I being unreasonable and what should I do?

That would actually make things harder on her (and you), not easier.  If she brings the child she will need to be watching him constantly since I'm guessing you won't have a child proofed/friendly area for getting ready.  At home she probably has a safe place were he can play on his own while she gets ready.  For example, if I need to get ready to go somewhere and DH isn't home I plop DS in his crib with some books and toys.  

mysticl

Maggie0829 said:

Hisprinc3ss said:

Maggie0829 I get what you're saying, but she wants her friend to be there for her and for the pictures. To tell her she's being unreasonable in my opinion isn't fair to her either. If she is in the wedding she must be a very close friend. All my bridesmaids except for 2 of them have children not just a child. And they want to be there with me for those memories and every step of the way I like I was for them when they were getting married.

The bride is being unreasonable.  She not only wants her bridal party to buy boots that they will most likely never wear again she also wants her friend to be there for pictures that aren't even necessary even though she knows she has a child to take care of.  Guess what?  The child comes first in this BMs eyes, like he/she should.  This BM is not missing the wedding she is just missing some of the getting ready pictures that will probably never see the light of day once they are placed in a wedding album.  It is great that your friends made it work so that they could be there with you but if they weren't that didn't mean that they loved you any less.  You can't expect the world to stop turning and people's lives to be put on hold just because it is your wedding.  This BM has every right to want to take care of her child and then arrive at the ceremony in time for the wedding.

If they even make it to the album.  

lyndausvi

mysticl said:

Maggie0829 said:

Hisprinc3ss said:

Maggie0829 I get what you're saying, but she wants her friend to be there for her and for the pictures. To tell her she's being unreasonable in my opinion isn't fair to her either. If she is in the wedding she must be a very close friend. All my bridesmaids except for 2 of them have children not just a child. And they want to be there with me for those memories and every step of the way I like I was for them when they were getting married.

The bride is being unreasonable.  She not only wants her bridal party to buy boots that they will most likely never wear again she also wants her friend to be there for pictures that aren't even necessary even though she knows she has a child to take care of.  Guess what?  The child comes first in this BMs eyes, like he/she should.  This BM is not missing the wedding she is just missing some of the getting ready pictures that will probably never see the light of day once they are placed in a wedding album.  It is great that your friends made it work so that they could be there with you but if they weren't that didn't mean that they loved you any less.  You can't expect the world to stop turning and people's lives to be put on hold just because it is your wedding.  This BM has every right to want to take care of her child and then arrive at the ceremony in time for the wedding.

If they even make it to the album.  

THIS.

I have 1600 prints sitting in 5 boxes that I just went through today.   Not because I wanted to look at them.  nope.  I was looking for a pictures of my dad with other family members and thought there might be some in there.  Sure it was fun looking at the pictures, but I've been married almost 6 years now I can say I haven't looked at them in over 5 years.  

Viczaesar

Hisprinc3ss said:

And btw my fiance helped pick out my bridesmaid dresses, lol. Who says she can't pick what the groom and his men get to wear. Enjoy your day, have fun, make memories. And yes don't be a bridezilla but be courteous yet assertive. There is nothing wrong with that

You give shitty advice.  You should stop that.

HappyAnjel

yes, you are being unreasonable. 

If you are demanding certain shoes, You pay for them.

 I can't always finish peeing by the time I have to pull my two year old off the top of a bookshelf.. She can also destroy every piece of fabric in a room with a single berry. Its next to impossible to successfully watch her and get ready for a normal day, you want me to bring her out of my house, to a fancy place, and get ready, get pictures done etc?.. Just the thought stresses me out.  And babysitters aren't easy to come by and can be expensive.. I'm assuming she is already getting someone to watch her toddler during the wedding and reception and you're complaining? My mother is the only person that I can leave my daughter with, and even then she can only keep up with her for so long.

jneen101

Update on this?  Did everyone wear the boots and if not, was the wedding still enjoyable?

fireworks14

I'm sorry but everyone who has said that her only responsibility is to show up for the ceremony must be or have the world's worst bridesmaids. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be there for you. They are supposed to help and keep the bride calm and sane. They are not there just to look pretty in the pictures. That being said it is unreasonable to expect that this woman can spend a lot of money or abandon her child for a photo op.

AddieCake

fireworks14 said:

I'm sorry but everyone who has said that her only responsibility is to show up for the ceremony must be or have the world's worst bridesmaids. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be there for you. They are supposed to help and keep the bride calm and sane. They are not there just to look pretty in the pictures. That being said it is unreasonable to expect that this woman can spend a lot of money or abandon her child for a photo op.

Hahahahaha!  What is it they say in the south for moments like these...."Bless your heart" ?     Bless your heart. 

Maggie0829

fireworks14 said:

I'm sorry but everyone who has said that her only responsibility is to show up for the ceremony must be or have the world's worst bridesmaids. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be there for you. They are supposed to help and keep the bride calm and sane. They are not there just to look pretty in the pictures. That being said it is unreasonable to expect that this woman can spend a lot of money or abandon her child for a photo op.

I kept myself calm and sane and if I did have a "AHHHH!" moment, guess who was there to support me?  My H because he was the one that I was marrying, not my BMs.

And you are right, they aren't there just to look pretty in pictures.  They are there because you  want to honor the special people in your life, not so you can have a support system at your beck and call.

Viczaesar

fireworks14 said:

I'm sorry but everyone who has said that her only responsibility is to show up for the ceremony must be or have the world's worst bridesmaids. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be there for you. They are supposed to help and keep the bride calm and sane. They are not there just to look pretty in the pictures. That being said it is unreasonable to expect that this woman can spend a lot of money or abandon her child for a photo op.

Well, you're half right - they're not just there to look pretty in pictures.  They are there for you to honor and thank them for being your closest friends and family members. 

atlastmrsg

You should probably be quite happy you're not going to have a two-year-old there while you're trying to enjoy a mimosa and get ready.  Those are adult things and your time to enjoy/get some quiet time before wedding.  If that means not having that bridesmaid there in photos, that's still a lot better than a terrible twos toddler going apeshit.

Liatris2010

I can help but imagine the 2 year old getting into a makeup bag and giving the bride's dress a bohemian chic tie-dye look.

Yes it is nice to get ready together, but no it isn't required. If you need 6 people to keep you calm and sane the day of your wedding, it is because you are about to marry the wrong person.