Help me be tactful, please!

krcb

I am going to be in a wedding for the first time next weekend as a bridesmaid. So far I've gone to all showers (gift for each), gotten my dress/shoes, and have been an open ear to the bride. 

First and foremost, The MOH gives off a very strong vibe of disliking me. I'm not sure why because we've only been around each other 3 times at this point, and I am pretty shy. I've been nice but have taken her vibe to keep my distance. She doesn't respond to texts/calls or acknowledge me in person. When bride wanted a 4 day getaway, MOH would never respond to me about budget either. I asked for weeks and eventually bowed out because it would cost too much for me. Plus, I did not want to be stuck with just MOH and bride because they are BFF, and I was mostly asked because I'm family of the groom. Anyway, money is a slight issue for me as of this moment, and I've made that clear.

Well, lo and behold, said trip fell through because none of the bms could afford and/or take time off. MOH decided to buy tickets for us to go somewhere instead without consulting me. It has the potential to be as expensive as the beach trip depending. I found out about this yesterday, and we are apparently going on Saturday. I was really upset when I found out, and I still am. I feel obligated to go because she bought tickets and the bride is marrying into my family (who can be very dramatic about things). I still cannot get in contact with MOH.

Can anyone give me some good advice about how to suck this up? We're going to an amusement park, and I don't ride many roller coasters. I've tried, but something in me just can't do it. Could I reasonably offer to be the bag holder for most of the day? I don't want to get an "express pass" or whatever they are because I do not really want to ride much the park has. Would it look bad if I rejected doing this? Is there a tactful way for me to decline?

I love the bride and feel like I'm in a sticky situation because I'm not necessarily a go-getter in parks. I'm going to try my best to be enthusiastic and ride things I'm comfortable with, of course. I don't want to put a damper on anything.

Also, I've noticed that the MOH got herself, the bride, and another bm a monogrammed shirt for getting ready day of, leaving one bm and I without a shirt. I feel a little awkward about this, but I definitely do not feel entitled to a shirt. Would the best thing to do is ignore this? 

This is my first post on the forums, but I've lurked for a little bit. I appreciate any feedback! I just hope I don't come across as being difficult.

crunchymamaof2

You're not being difficult. You have every right to say no. She bought tickets without consulting you- if you can't or don't want to go that loss is on her, not you. If you're the type to let guilt eat away at you (I know I am) you could offer to pay her for the ticket but IMO I wouldn't given her flippant attitude. you have done an awful lot already (how many showers has she had?!) so don't feel bad about bowing out.

I wouldn't say anything about the shirts. The bride should be the one to handle that but honestly? Be thankful you haven't been assigned such a uniform so you can pose for matchy matchy pictures. The bride should tell the moh that either everyone gets a shirt or no one does (but the bride should pay) but I don't see that happening.

krcb

crunchymamaof2 said:

You're not being difficult. You have every right to say no. She bought tickets without consulting you- if you can't or don't want to go that loss is on her, not you. If you're the type to let guilt eat away at you (I know I am) you could offer to pay her for the ticket but IMO I wouldn't given her flippant attitude. you have done an awful lot already (how many showers has she had?!) so don't feel bad about bowing out.

I wouldn't say anything about the shirts. The bride should be the one to handle that but honestly? Be thankful you haven't been assigned such a uniform so you can pose for matchy matchy pictures. The bride should tell the moh that either everyone gets a shirt or no one does (but the bride should pay) but I don't see that happening.

^

There have been 4 showers to my knowledge. I've been to all but one. The first one had a guest list comprised of a lot of people who were not invited to the wedding. There was not a good turn out, so an additional shower was added to make up for that. Most of the showers had overlapping guest lists, so many of us bought multiple gifts. (Imagine her having no gifts to open because the turn outs were usually 1/3 of those invited and about 1/2 of those 1/3 were repeats).

I'm glad in a way to miss out on the matchy matchy, but it's just going to be so obvious I'm being excluded. I'll probably just drink a few of the mimosas I'll be bringing and relax somewhere during that time.

phira

I understand not wanting to cause drama, with the bride joining your family. But at the same time, you can be reasonable and polite about the situation without being difficult or dramatic.

I would take this up directly with the bride (assuming she's even aware that there's a trip in store). Don't offer reasons and excuses: apologize that you'll be missing the trip, and offer to take her to dinner, just the two of you, sometime after she gets back.

The whole point is to bond with her, show her that you're excited to have her join the family, and get excited about the wedding, right? You can do all of that by going to dinner with her. Spending more than you want to in order to be miserable at an amusement park is not actually doing any of those things.

I'd make one last attempt to get in touch with the maid of honor in addition to letting the bride know you won't be coming on the trip. As long as you're able to leave a voicemail, or send an email or text, that's as much as you can do. No questions, just, "Sorry, can't make it. I'll go out to dinner with [Bride] when she gets back. Thanks for organizing the trip."

No arguments, or heart-to-hearts with the bride about how horrible her maid of honor is. Nothing about the T-shirts (which, honestly, is pretty high school style mean; how old is this maid of honor? Fourteen?), or how SOMEONE didn't even bother asking for a budget. Nada.

The thing is, even if you can afford the trip, it's your money. You get to decide how much is too much to spend on this trip. "Too much" might be $1000. It might be $500. It might be anything more than $20. That's your call and no one else's.

MairePoppy

The MOH should have asked you if you wanted to attend the bp before she bought the ticket. Since you can't afford to go and aren't interested in amusement parks, you should decline the invitation. The MOH is free to sell your ticket to another friend. If you want to do something nice for the bride, tell her you'd like to take her out to lunch after the bp so she can tell you all about it. 

 Ignore the stupid shirts. I'm going to assume the bride isn't aware that MOH bought shirts for one bm and not the others, so I wouldn't hold it agaisnt the bride.

NYCMercedes

@phira‌ gave excellent advice! Your only job is to be welcoming to the bride. You have every right to decline the amusement park "invitation".

HisGirlFriday13

I would take this up with the bride AND the groom, if he's your family.

The MOH is being unreasonable, and you're in no way obligated to pay for a ticket you weren't consulted about.

If the bride doesn't know about the shirts (and let's give her the benefit of the doubt), then let them go. Hopefully she'll see them the day-of and be horrified her MOH was so tacky and rude and she'll refuse to wear it.

krcb

The thing is the bride is aware of much that is going on as far as her bachelorette is concerned. She has delegated what she has wanted from the get go and has expressed frustration at no one going on the 4 day trip. She and MOH decided on this new trip. 2 bms had said this weekend is impossible for them due to it being Memorial Day weekend. I'm not sure if tickets were bought for them too. I mentioned to the bride that I cannot get in contact with MOH and asked for her number again a few weeks ago just in case I had the wrong number. I've never said a negative word about MOH either; I've just been ignoring it all because I don't have to see her ever again after the wedding. I thought I was off the hook on the trip!

The thing is, bride got in contact with my mom (I recently graduated college and am back home for a few months) and told her about the trip and told my mom I already said I was going...which I didn't know anything about the trip yet! I found out through a phone call to my mom. I'm not sure if MOH is making up these things to the bride or not, and I'm very confused. Instead of causing drama, I'm just going to use some graduation money to go. It sounds childish, but my dad even offered to give me money to go because this whole thing is just a mess!

I'm starting to get a little vent-y. haha. I appreciate all of your responses.

One question though - is it literally okay for me to just sit out at times and be the bag holder? I don't want to completely seem like a sore sport. It costs money each ride to use a locker anyway, so maybe I can give the angle of helping save a little cash.

krcb

@HisGirlFriday13 Good advice on talking to the groom. I might try and give him a call tonight, but the trip is tomorrow. As far as the bride knowing about the shirts, she knows because she is tagged in a Facebook picture of them. I literally can see all of their shirts besides one for another bridesmaid and myself. It could be possible we will be "surprised" with one at the wedding, but it seems unlikely given all the other shirts are in the post.

HisGirlFriday13

I realise this chick is marrying into your family and you want to keep the peace, but holy.effing.shitballs the bride is being a first-class bitch.

krcb

Haha, I could start a whole different discussion on how some of my family is acting. I may end up doing it at some point because I'm getting married in September, and things are getting a little crazy already!

 For background info on me, I'm in education and haven't lined up a job yet. The interview process usually begins in June and hiring in July for my area, so it's a little difficult to have a job yet (I get asked all the time "you have a job yet? Why not?") I worked through most of college and went to school/worked in the summers, and I'm taking this summer off before life begins. Part of why I am low on $$ right now, but it's really no one's concern. FI also graduated this May, and he's on the job hunt right now. He's probably going to have to expand his search because there's not as many jobs available in his major here, but for the time being he is looking here. He WILL have a job soon, in some shape or form. I will too. It's not like we're going to sit on our butts. Yes, it's nice to have things ready, but I have job offers non-related to my major that I can fall back on if need be. He does too.

As a short preview of family drama (all my dad's side of the family):

1.When I went to tell my grandma about my engagement, she immediately asked me, "Is your real father walking you down the aisle?" I haven't seen my real father since I was 5 years old. No, he's not walking me down the aisle. My step dad (her son) IS my dad. He IS my real father - ugh.

2. Instead of a nice congratulations, I got a 30 minute lecture on health insurance. That's important, of course, but can't I just be happy I'm engaged for at least a day??

3. Family has said "you can't get married on x date, I want to go on vacation then" and "you can't get married x month, I am going out of town sometime that month" before I even began planning! 

4. Grandma bought a white dress that looks like an older-style wedding dress to wear to all her grandkids weddings. It doesn't bother me much because it's on her, but it's a little ridiculous. I honestly find it funny.

It's going to be a fun few months, and I look forward to being on this forum.  

huskypuppy14

Don't go, and don't pay. They are being ridiculous.

perdonami

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I would take this up with the bride AND the groom, if he's your family. The MOH is being unreasonable, and you're in no way obligated to pay for a ticket you weren't consulted about.  

I think this is some excellent advice for you to follow. Also, remember that all that is really required is for you to show up in whatever dress has been selected and on time to the ceremony. You seem to have already gone above and beyond that by participating in 4 bridal showers. Btw, that seems like a lot to me especially since one shower was comprised of guests not invited to the actual wedding. I'm not surprised there was small turn out for that gift grab. 

You can still show support for the bride by taking her out to dinner without participating in this amusement park debacle. I wouldn't worry about the MOH because she is being rude to you for no reason and that says something about her character and not so much your's. 

daria24

You're a saint for going. My husband can't take roller coasters, so he waits in line with me, then when it's time to get on he just passes through to the other side and waits at the exit. Nothing wrong with being the bag holder.

perdonami

daria24 said: You're a saint for going. My husband can't take roller coasters, so he waits in line with me, then when it's time to get on he just passes through to the other side and waits at the exit. Nothing wrong with being the bag holder.
^^^^^ I agree with the bolded statement as well but it seems like that is all she is being used for throughout this wedding process. And I place emphasis on the word 'used' because that's how it seems she is being treated by the MOH. 

I may be wrong and am making assumptions but I just don't agree with the way the OP is being treated at all. No one in the bridal party should be made to feel more special or less special IMO.

MyNameIsNot

Honestly, I feel bad for your brother.  This bride sounds like a piece of work.

If you think you should go, go.  It's totally fine to hold bags and skip rides you don't want to ride.  You're being a sport by going at all, but don't count on the bride and her MOH to be nice to you or appreciate that you are making the effort to go.  

JellyBean52513

This isn't helpful advice, but I'm disgusted that so many showers have been held with a) overlapping guest lists; b) guests who aren't even invited to the wedding, but most of all c) the purpose of getting as many gifts as possible. Too much entitlement. edited because I'm so enraged for the OP that I can't spell

Rebl90

perdonami said:

daria24 said:

You're a saint for going. My husband can't take roller coasters, so he waits in line with me, then when it's time to get on he just passes through to the other side and waits at the exit. Nothing wrong with being the bag holder.

^^^^^

I agree with the bolded statement as well but it seems like that is all she is being used for throughout this wedding process. And I place emphasis on the word 'used' because that's how it seems she is being treated by the MOH. 

I may be wrong and am making assumptions but I just don't agree with the way the OP is being treated at all. No one in the bridal party should be made to feel more special or less special IMO.

__________________________________________________

I also don't think that OP should have to pay a ticket to an amusement part and be a "bag holder" and continue to be used as a prop through the whole proccess. OP, stay home and enjoy the day. I missed a friend's bachelorette weekend recently due to financial issues (they planned a $400 weekend without any discussion) and I made sure to focus on the fact that I was not a bad person/friend because I was not letting people tell me how to spend my money. You are not a bad person for standing up for yourself; don't allow them to treat you like a second class citizen.

Edited: WTF Quote boxes?

krcb

@perdonami - I'm hoping some of this is just a big misunderstanding. I've never known the bride to be a mean girl, but her MOH definitely is. I've had a common friend ask me why MOH was staring at me so weird at the first bridal shower, and my mom noticed her weird behavior too. I try to be very open minded and friendly even though I am a quiet person. I may not be as outgoing as I should be, but I am always ready to smile and talk! I'm mentally prepping myself for tomorrow as best I can and HOPING I don't end up in some sort of cat fight! @flantastic Thank you! I always give the benefit of the doubt, but it's starting to run dry in this situation! @MyNameisNot - Luckily, this is not my brother but my cousin.

krcb

@rebl90 - Thank you. I've already reluctantly said that I will go since it is tomorrow, so I'm not sure if there's a way out now. I wish I could have a heart-to-heart with the bride about my concerns, but I'm afraid the MOH would catch wind and just do something ridiculous the day of the wedding. I really thought (or even still think) that the bride and I had a good relationship, and I'm worried to "ruin" it over my relunctance to spend money I didn't agree to. At the end of the day, I can really afford it, but it's just the principle with me. I have x amount of dollars for myself to spend this summer, and I refuse to touch my savings as that's for house down payment, furniture, etc.

krcb

And just as an additional comment, I'm so glad no one has made fun of the fact that I don't ride roller coasters! I always get that, haha. They make me so nervous for whatever reason. I'd rather not cry in front of everyone!

Rebl90

krcb said:

@rebl90 - Thank you. I've already reluctantly said that I will go since it is tomorrow, so I'm not sure if there's a way out now. I wish I could have a heart-to-heart with the bride about my concerns, but I'm afraid the MOH would catch wind and just do something ridiculous the day of the wedding. I really thought (or even still think) that the bride and I had a good relationship, and I'm worried to "ruin" it over my relunctance to spend money I didn't agree to. At the end of the day, I can really afford it, but it's just the principle with me. I have x amount of dollars for myself to spend this summer, and I refuse to touch my savings as that's for house down payment, furniture, etc.

I understand, it's hard when you are a good and thoughtful person like you seem to be

Don't feel bad about the roller coaster thing - I hate them too!

perdonami

krcb said:

@perdonami - I'm hoping some of this is just a big misunderstanding. I've never known the bride to be a mean girl, but her MOH definitely is. I've had a common friend ask me why MOH was staring at me so weird at the first bridal shower, and my mom noticed her weird behavior too. I try to be very open minded and friendly even though I am a quiet person. I may not be as outgoing as I should be, but I am always ready to smile and talk! I'm mentally prepping myself for tomorrow as best I can and HOPING I don't end up in some sort of cat fight! @flantastic Thank you! I always give the benefit of the doubt, but it's starting to run dry in this situation! @MyNameisNot - Luckily, this is not my brother but my cousin.

I really don't think you should go if you can't afford it and won't enjoy yourself. You can still be supportive to the bride and not put up with MOH's bs. You are a human being with feelings too and if other people are also picking up on this MOH's behaviors toward you, then there is something wrong and its not in your head. 

Call the bride and explain that you won't be attending but that you want to take her out for dinner, drinks, pedicures, whatever you think would be pleasant for you both.  

ETA:

I just read in another comment from you that you have agreed to attend. What's done is done. I just hope that through the lovely advice you were provided here that you will stand up for yourself next time a situation like this happens. 

You aren't being a bad friend to the bride by politely declining any requests made of you either by her or the other bridesmaids. 

beethery

@krcb I hate roller coasters too! Don't worry!

HisGirlFriday13

Dude, I don't have one single male cousin I like enough that I'd consider being in his wedding.

I don't even think I have any female cousins I like that much.

You are a really nice person for this. And there's nothing wrong with being quiet. I'm very reserved IRL, and often people misinterpret this as me being cold or standoff ish -- nope, just quiet and introverted!

SP29

Since you have decided to go, there is nothing wrong with being the bag holder, if that's how you're most comfortable.

I enjoy roller coasters, but I get motion sick VERY easily. I have to take Gravol to go on roller coasters, and space them out, and even with Gravol I can't do the spinning rides. I often sit out and hold the bags.

You could tell them you are easily motion sick, thus sit out from the roller coasters. 

grumbledore

I wouldn't go. And I wouldn't feel bad about it either.

hyechica81

dont go on rides you cant handle i used to be able to go on any fast ride except for steal coasters something about going upside down. but i would ride every wooden coaster i could. now just one fast ride and i have complete sickness for the whole day..

go on some rides that you are comfortable with. tell them you wont be much of  fast ride rider because you cant handle them

LabLove86

krcb said:

The thing is the bride is aware of much that is going on as far as her bachelorette is concerned. She has delegated what she has wanted from the get go and has expressed frustration at no one going on the 4 day trip. She and MOH decided on this new trip. 2 bms had said this weekend is impossible for them due to it being Memorial Day weekend. I'm not sure if tickets were bought for them too. I mentioned to the bride that I cannot get in contact with MOH and asked for her number again a few weeks ago just in case I had the wrong number. I've never said a negative word about MOH either; I've just been ignoring it all because I don't have to see her ever again after the wedding. I thought I was off the hook on the trip!

The thing is, bride got in contact with my mom (I recently graduated college and am back home for a few months) and told her about the trip and told my mom I already said I was going...which I didn't know anything about the trip yet! I found out through a phone call to my mom. I'm not sure if MOH is making up these things to the bride or not, and I'm very confused. Instead of causing drama, I'm just going to use some graduation money to go. It sounds childish, but my dad even offered to give me money to go because this whole thing is just a mess!

I'm starting to get a little vent-y. haha. I appreciate all of your responses.

One question though - is it literally okay for me to just sit out at times and be the bag holder? I don't want to completely seem like a sore sport. It costs money each ride to use a locker anyway, so maybe I can give the angle of helping save a little cash.

I would say I mostly agree with pp - you have no obligation to go for reasons stated above. However I am like you so if you feel as though you need to go (even if you kinda-slightly-wanna go - but more-so don't wanna go . . . I get that too) to support the bride (who really sounds like a self-entitled prissy girl - IMHO) then there is NOTHING wrong with being a bag holder and sitting out of the rides. If you can't do them you can't do them. You're already inconveniencing yourself financially and with your time - you don't have to make yourself sick on top it of.

And to the bolded - you have every right to be! That is why we are here - so you CAN vent about this stuff and get advice on how to handle it! And FWIW - you're doing everything in a much more polite manner than I would if I was in this situation . . . so just keep rolling with the punches and the wedding/drama should be over soon enough . . . 

Jen4948

Rebl90 said:

perdonami said:

daria24 said:

You're a saint for going. My husband can't take roller coasters, so he waits in line with me, then when it's time to get on he just passes through to the other side and waits at the exit. Nothing wrong with being the bag holder.

^^^^^

I agree with the bolded statement as well but it seems like that is all she is being used for throughout this wedding process. And I place emphasis on the word 'used' because that's how it seems she is being treated by the MOH. 

I may be wrong and am making assumptions but I just don't agree with the way the OP is being treated at all. No one in the bridal party should be made to feel more special or less special IMO.

__________________________________________________

I also don't think that OP should have to pay a ticket to an amusement part and be a "bag holder" and continue to be used as a prop through the whole proccess. OP, stay home and enjoy the day. I missed a friend's bachelorette weekend recently due to financial issues (they planned a $400 weekend without any discussion) and I made sure to focus on the fact that I was not a bad person/friend because I was not letting people tell me how to spend my money. You are not a bad person for standing up for yourself; don't allow them to treat you like a second class citizen.

Edited: WTF Quote boxes?

I agree with this too, mostly.  But standing in lines for amusement park attractions is not my idea of a good time.  They are looooooooooong and snake around and if you have to get out of line, you can't cut back in where you got out.

PrincessOfHavoc

Since everything is planned without you, I'd send a friend instead. But that's me being passive aggressive.