NER Beary Special Anniversary

Teddy917

Here's the short version: my husband wants a giant stuffed animal for our one year anniversary. I loved going to Build-A-Bear-Workshop as a kid. It does have the kinds of animals that he told me to pick from, and even has a Superman bear, which he'd love. They're only 18" but a giant one would be more expensive. Plus I could make one, too, and we could make memories together.

A stuffed animal is a childlike (I hate the word "childish") desire in and of itself, but I'm wondering if going to build one is even more childlike and maybe potentially embarrassing for a grown man. I know this is sort of a "know your husband" thing, but I figured you guys could ask your SOs if they think it's a bad idea.

Blergbot

I don't see how getting him a Build-A-Bear would make it more childlike. I do think it's odd for a grown man to want a stuffed animal for an anniversary, but whatever floats his boat, I guess. I've never been that into stuffed animals myself, so maybe I just don't get it.

insertusernamehere

My fiancé and I made a bear together on our first date! It was something I really wanted (I needed a new bear for my dorm, because I had previously had one from my ex and obviously didn't snuggle that one anymore, haha) and we made it at the Faneuil Hall location while I was in school, and named it after Tim Thomas (yay Stanley Cup!) So tons of significance for our lives and interests.

So no. It's not that weird, especially if he wants to be there. If you're older, they'll make you just kiss the heart or rub it on your heart and make a wish; you don't have to do the whole song and dance.

If anyone really starts giving you a hard time, you have two options:
1. Tell them you're making it for someone.
2. Tell them to take their opinion and shove it.

For reference, when we last made one, we were 20 and 19. Definitely adults. We're making a dinosaur next, and he also owes me a Charmander, which unfortunately you cannot get at BABW.

Oh, and I would make him a Wally in a heartbeat if I could still get one. Maybe I can, hmm...

Edited because I forgot words and a sentence.

AddieCake

Teddy, you don't have sex with your husband, and now he wants a giant stuffed bear for an anniversary present? I just feel like something is really wrong here. 

Liatris2010

I don't think it is a bad idea, but it certainly is an unusual request from an adult and I think going to build-a-bear is not a particularly special memory to be made.

rajahmd

I collect stuffed animals, so my answer whenever my husband asks "what do you want for ______ event?" is a new stuff animal. So I don't find it weird.

HisGirlFriday13

I'm with Addie. Without your backstory, this would be weird to me, and knowing the backstory that you've posted here (no sex, he's not sure he loves you, his mental capacities), I find it even weirder.

FTR, I did ask DH what he thought about a grown-ass man wanting a stuffed animal for a one-year anniversary present. Nothing he said was nice.

JaxInBlue

Is this a normal gift request for him?  If it is, I'm less inclined to think it's odd.  But I wouldn't take DH to Build-a-Bear as an anniversary thing - too much chaos and potential to be surrounded by other people's less-than-happy children.

If it's not, then I'd be curious to know how he made the request, and what preceded it in your conversation as it is not a typical gift request for adults in my circle, let alone men.  As I've thought about your post this morning, I've really tried not to judge the stuffed animal aspect - DH and I have never intentionally exchanged them, but he's given them to me, I've given them to him and each time they've been deliberately picked gifts.  I've been trying to think of a corollary for this - and the closest I could get would be me asking DH for tickets to something like a wrestling event; I'd ask because I'd want to have an experience with him, and knew he'd like doing that, even if my interest level is ehhh.  But DH would see through that.  Could this be something happening here? Is your DH trying to meet your interests and expectations? 

Given your past posts, I'm not sure if that would make this a good thing or a bad thing, but I would urge you view your one-year anniversary less as a gift giving occasion and more as an opportunity to assess the state of your relationship, if positive progress has been made, and to see if this is really what you both want and need from a marriage.

Teddy917

JaxInBlue said:

Is this a normal gift request for him?  If it is, I'm less inclined to think it's odd.  But I wouldn't take DH to Build-a-Bear as an anniversary thing - too
much chaos and potential to be surrounded by other people's
less-than-happy children.

If it's not, then I'd be curious to know how he made the request, and what preceded it in your conversation as it is not a typical gift request for adults in my circle, let alone men.  As I've thought about your post this morning, I've really tried not to judge the stuffed animal aspect - DH and I have never intentionally exchanged them, but he's given them to me, I've given them to him and each time they've been deliberately picked gifts.  I've been trying to think of a corollary for this - and the closest I could get would be me asking DH for tickets to something like a wrestling event; I'd ask because I'd want to have an experience with him, and knew he'd like doing that, even if my interest level is ehhh.  But DH would see through that.  Could this be something happening here? Is your DH trying to meet your interests and expectations? 

Given your past posts, I'm not sure if that would make this a good thing or a bad thing, but I would urge you view your one-year anniversary less as a gift giving occasion and more as an opportunity to assess the state of your relationship, if positive progress has been made, and to see if this is really what you both want and need from a marriage.

Our relationship has progressed quite a bit. He has determined that he does love me. We actually have tried to have sex recently (in fact tried this morning) but he'll be hard for all of two seconds and then he deflates. But at least we're trying now. We think his inability has something to do with his new meds. They work great for what they're supposed to do, but I read the info sheet that comes with the meds and it says that it can cause "sexual side effects", no specifics. We've talked to his doctor, since he had no problems staying hard previously (even though we wouldn't have sex). She said that it shouldn't affect that.

As far as if this is a typical request for him: He's never asked for a stuffed animal before. However he has cuddled with mine. And previous gifts have included one of the LEGO video games, a model horse, and some weird alien creature from a Kids Loco meal from Del Taco.

As far as the conversation: He has already given me my gift since it requires a trip to the another city which has to be planned around work and other things. It was a gift card to my choice of several restaurants, none of which are in town. So a few days ago I asked him if there was anything special he wanted for our anniversary or if he just wanted me to surprise him. He started talking about stuffed animals he had as a kid (all lost long ago) and said he had always wanted a life size polar or panda bear. Well obviously where would that fit if we could actually get one that's life size. So he said it would really make him happy if I could get him a large one. I still don't know where we'd put even a large one since we have very small rooms. So I remember that BABW has panda and polar bears that aren't huge but are a decent size. And when I was younger and made them (younger being the last one I did was at 17) I saw adults about the age we are now (and even an elderly couple, which was cute) making them. That was during the day with only a couple kids in the store that weren't theirs. So I thought it would be cool but I wasn't sure if he'd be embarrassed
by it. He had mentioned wanting to go to BABW before. But I figured you all probably have SOs with various personalities so I figured this would be a good place to get a general consensus.

AddieCake

He cuddles with your stuffed animals? Where do you keep them? I feel like if you are an adult with stuffed animals, they would be something more for display. My husband recently bought me one on our zoo trip as a memento of the day of one of the animals I loved. It is on the bookshelf in our office. We do not play or cuddle with it.

ETA: But if he wants one, I guess get it for him. And it seems like he might enjoy going.  

Teddy917

AddieCake said:

He cuddles with your stuffed animals? Where do you keep them? I feel like if you are an adult with stuffed animals, they would be something more for display. My husband recently bought me one on our zoo trip as a memento of the day of one of the animals I loved. It is on the bookshelf in our office. We do not play or cuddle with it.

They are more for display unless I start crying then he'll suggest that I cuddle with one.

NYCMercedes

Cuddle with a stuffed animal instead of husband:

Teddy917

I'd rather cuddle with him but sometimes he's not up for it

Sugargirl1019

This makes me think that he wants a giant bear from a carnival game, and might not enjoy going to build a bear. I worry that he may get insulted being taken there by you.

JCbride2015

Teddy, this concerns me knowing your back story.  Your husband just seems limited in his capacity to have a mature, adult relationship. 

With that said, it's your life and it sounds like he might enjoy going to Build-a-Bear.

pinkshorts27

AddieCake said:

He cuddles with your stuffed animals? Where do you keep them? I feel like if you are an adult with stuffed animals, they would be something more for display. My husband recently bought me one on our zoo trip as a memento of the day of one of the animals I loved. It is on the bookshelf in our office. We do not play or cuddle with it.

ETA: But if he wants one, I guess get it for him. And it seems like he might enjoy going.  

Just to be fair, I do cuddle with stuffed animals still. FI and I are long distance and I cuddle with the bear he got me for our first Christmas. If I don't have stuffed animals I cuddle with an extra pillow because I like my arm over something (feels more comfortable for sleep). 

ETA: I'm just saying that it makes sense (to me) in some contexts.

SammiNJonni

I wont judge him wanting a stuffed animal. FI got me one of those huge ass Costco bears and I sleep with it. We are long distance so it is nice having it to cuddle with.

What I am concerned about is he gives you a stuffed animal to cuddle with instead of cuddling you himself when you are upset.

HisGirlFriday13

SammiNJonni said:

I wont judge him wanting a stuffed animal. FI got me one of those huge ass Costco bears and I sleep with it. We are long distance so it is nice having it to cuddle with.

What I am concerned about is he gives you a stuffed animal to cuddle with instead of cuddling you himself when you are upset.

This is a very good point.

phira

I'm just concerned because it sounds a lot like you're resigning yourself to a life you're not happy with. Recently, there was a slew of letters on Captain Awkward (all in one post) that made me think of you: http://captainawkward.com/2014/05/23/573-574-575-and-576-applying-the-sheelzebub-principle/

JCbride2015

phira said:

I'm just concerned because it sounds a lot like you're resigning yourself to a life you're not happy with. Recently, there was a slew of letters on Captain Awkward (all in one post) that made me think of you: http://captainawkward.com/2014/05/23/573-574-575-and-576-applying-the-sheelzebub-principle/

@phira I think I just spent about an hour reading that site!  It's great.

phira

JCbride2015 said:

phira said:

I'm just concerned because it sounds a lot like you're resigning yourself to a life you're not happy with. Recently, there was a slew of letters on Captain Awkward (all in one post) that made me think of you: http://captainawkward.com/2014/05/23/573-574-575-and-576-applying-the-sheelzebub-principle/

@phira I think I just spent about an hour reading that site!  It's great.

I looooooove Captain Awkward. Though there are some letters that are like OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS RUN RUN RUN RUN.

ashley8918

Reading through some of your past posts makes me incredibly sad for you.

But to answer you question, this seems a bit strange to me. That being said, I dont really know the two of you.

Inkdancer

FI took me to Build-a-Bear in September and helped me build a bear that looks like him (sort of). It made me very happy. So no, I don't think a stuffed animal by itself is weird.

JellyBean52513

Depending on the context of your relationship, this isn't necessarily weird. In fact, it's not weird to me at all and many of you might think MY relationship is extremely childlike! I'll share some anecdotes to hopefully make you feel better

For our first Valentine's Day together, my SO took me to Build-A-Bear at Faneuil Hall and we built a puppy; we have an on-going thing where we call each other "puppy" as a pet name, and we gave it a microphone since he's a DJ. Before we moved in together, I cuddled with the puppy every night that we slept apart. I gave him my stuffed bumblebee that I've had since I was born in return. When he goes on the road for gigs, he packs this tiny little stuffed teddy bear that I got for him in his backpack and takes it with him. One day he came into my job to surprise me, and he gave me a little beanie-baby type puppy. The most recent thing I got him was one of those TY Beanie Buddies (it's like a round ball with big gigantic eyes) that's a Patriots player.

So, if you don't feel entirely more mature than you did before reading all that, I hope you realize that whatever is normal for you guys is just that: normal. As for all of the other things that PPs are referencing, I haven't read these posts and I'm thinking that there is more context to this stuffed animal thing than I can comment on. The most helpful thing that I can say is...... if you didn't have any concern over your FI asking for a stuffed animal, you wouldn't have asked us here if it's a good idea. If my SO said he wanted to go to Build-A-Bear, I really wouldn't think twice about it. I think you realize there is something going on between you two that just isn't quite *right*.

Teddy917

After seeing the different opinions here, I decided it would be better to ask him then surprise him. So I explained what exactly you do (when I first told him about the building a bear concept, he thought it was from scratch, as in get the fabric, cut out the shape, attach eyes and nose, etc) and he is thrilled. He even decided which outfit he wants to get (Superman costume) and figured out a name (Super Honey).

He also wants to start a tradition of making them with each of the kids once we have children.

HisGirlFriday13

Teddy917 said:

After seeing the different opinions here, I decided it would be better to ask him then surprise him. So I explained what exactly you do (when I first told him about the building a bear concept, he thought it was from scratch, as in get the fabric, cut out the shape, attach eyes and nose, etc) and he is thrilled. He even decided which outfit he wants to get (Superman costume) and figured out a name (Super Honey).

He also wants to start a tradition of making them with each of the kids once we have children.

This part makes my heart break for you.

Teddy917

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Teddy917 said:

After seeing the different opinions here, I decided it would be better to ask him then surprise him. So I explained what exactly you do (when I first told him about the building a bear concept, he thought it was from scratch, as in get the fabric, cut out the shape, attach eyes and nose, etc) and he is thrilled. He even decided which outfit he wants to get (Superman costume) and figured out a name (Super Honey).

He also wants to start a tradition of making them with each of the kids once we have children.

This part makes my heart break for you.

Why?

HisGirlFriday13

Teddy917 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Teddy917 said:

After seeing the different opinions here, I decided it would be better to ask him then surprise him. So I explained what exactly you do (when I first told him about the building a bear concept, he thought it was from scratch, as in get the fabric, cut out the shape, attach eyes and nose, etc) and he is thrilled. He even decided which outfit he wants to get (Superman costume) and figured out a name (Super Honey).

He also wants to start a tradition of making them with each of the kids once we have children.

This part makes my heart break for you.

Why?

Based on everything you've said about him, I don't think children are in your future, nor do I (frankly) think it's a good idea for you to even think about having children with a man-child you're essentially raising now.

Every time you post, I see more and more red flags. If you were my IRL friend, I'd be seriously considering staging an intervention for you. At the very least, I would be driving you to therapy every freaking day to find out why you're willing to settle for less than the happiness you deserve.

melbelleup

We actually plan on taking our ring bearer to build a bear for his gift... but he's 2. That being said, I'm 25 and freaking love my stuffed animals. I have one I made at build a bear with my ex bf for I think our 1 yr of dating and I also have a HUGE $50 bear from him for our first vday together. I also got a penguin pillow pet from him. I basically told FI if he wants me to get rid of them, I would, but he'd have to buy me the same stuff because I freaking love them. Now, I did get my FI a panda pillow pet. My FI is obsessed with pandas though and really wants a panda build a bear in a tux... he might get it one day. lol. So, if it was my FI or me, I would totally get the request.