NWR: Another prime example of why you should NEVER mix family with business.

ashley8918

So, I hired my cousin (early childhood education major) as a summer nanny, and now I am in the awkward position of having to fire her.

So, here's the story:

As far as actually caring for my children, she is doing an okay job, but there have been some major issues. 

First, I found out from my 4-year-old daughter that she had taken her to her much older boyfriend's apartment. Um, no. I am paying you, this is a job, NOT hang out with your boyfriend/friend time. 

Then, about a week later, she was late picking my son up from school because she was fucking around at the mall with her friend (and my daughter). 

THEN, she neglected to tell me that she was going on vacation for a week in July. Oh, but it's totally fine, because her friend, Jordan, is going to watch my kids. NO NO NO. Who the f is Jordan? I don't know her. She will NOT be in my house, and she will certainly not be watching my kids. This is your job, you can't just substitute people in. She knew before she started that she was going on this vacation, but never said anything. I only found out because her mom casually mentioned it to my mom (thinking I knew). 

THEN, she took a night job at a pizza place, which again, is fine, EXCEPT that she gave her availability as 5pm. I work until 5. So 4 nights in the past 2 weeks I have had to drive to her parents house 40mins away to pick up my kids. Oh, and she didn't tell me until the day-of, all 4 times.

AND THEN, she dropped the bomb today that she was thinking about not coming back after that vacation in July and just staying don at school. And she didn't even say this TO me, just in my presence at a family party. Oh, but it's still totally cool because her 15 year old sister will be watching them for the rest of the summer. UM. 1) She doesn't drive. I am not adding an extra 90 minutes to my commute every morning because you screwed me over. 2) did you ever think that maybe I wasn't comfortable with a 15 year old watching my children? 3) Again, THIS IS YOUR JOB. YOU CANT JUST SUB PEOPLE IN.

So, the moral of the story: DONT hire family members. This could easily happen in a family-member-as-wedding-vendor situation too.

P.S. I'm not just being a total bitch about this, am I?

ETF- Spelling, grammar, and whatnot.

lyndausvi

ugh. That sucks. My MIL watches kids, but her rule is not ones of family.

ashley8918

lyndausvi said:

ugh. That sucks. My MIL watches kids, but her rule is not ones of family.

That's a good rule. I should have known better.

HisGirlFriday13

You're nicer than I am. I would have fired her the day I found out about her taking my kid to her BF's apartment.

You're not being a bitch. At all.

aspoonfulofsugar

Nope, you are right on all accounts and totally justified for feeling the way you do. The problem with hiring family is that sometimes lines can become blurred and she probably feels like she can get away with all of these things because someone will cover for her. Can you afford to get rid of her now (do you have someone else to replace her)? If so, do it. You'll be much happier. I'm sorry- this is a sucky situation!

ashley8918

aspoonfulofsugar said:

Nope, you are right on all accounts and totally justified for feeling the way you do. The problem with hiring family is that sometimes lines can become blurred and she probably feels like she can get away with all of these things because someone will cover for her. Can you afford to get rid of her now (do you have someone else to replace her)? If so, do it. You'll be much happier. I'm sorry- this is a sucky situation!

I don't, but I am looking at daycares STAT.

ashley8918

HisGirlFriday13 said:

You're nicer than I am. I would have fired her the day I found out about her taking my kid to her BF's apartment. You're not being a bitch. At all.

I really should have, but I let the money savings part get to me. I am paying her considerably less that I would pay a daycare center, and a little less than I would pay another nanny/baby sitter. I was also dreading the awkwardness. I really wish i would have take care of it then.

ETF spelling.

jenajjthr

This is not directed at you, but parents in general. You're children are your most precious gifts, why you would choose the lowest bidder in a daycare provider astounds me. You don't have to choose the highest either. Let your gut decide. Pick the person that your gut says will be the best sitter for your child.

APDSS22

I don't think you're overreacting since it involves someone you hired to care for your children.

phira

jenajjthr said:

This is not directed at you, but parents in general. You're children are your most precious gifts, why you would choose the lowest bidder in a daycare provider astounds me. You don't have to choose the highest either. Let your gut decide. Pick the person that your gut says will be the best sitter for your child.

Let's not shame people who can't necessarily afford better care.

JCbride2015

phira said:

jenajjthr said:

This is not directed at you, but parents in general. You're children are your most precious gifts, why you would choose the lowest bidder in a daycare provider astounds me. You don't have to choose the highest either. Let your gut decide. Pick the person that your gut says will be the best sitter for your child.

Let's not shame people who can't necessarily afford better care.

I don't think @jenajjthr intended this comment towards those who can't afford better.  I think she's talking about parents with assets and choices.

But.  Let's not take that for granted.  Many parents don't have a lot of viable options for childcare.  Our family was one of them.  My mom's only work experience was as a bartender and we didn't have any family nearby, so she stayed home with us.  She says they worked it out financially and they would have spent almost all of her earnings on childcare, so it made more sense just to stay home.  She was a great SAHM and I have many fond memories of childhood.  But it sucked for her in the long run because after my parents divorced, her only work experience was as a bartender 12 years earlier.

sophhabobopha

Ugh! You are not being a bitch. Maybe she should rethink career choices!

Rebl90

I really think you're well within your rights to be upset, she sounds extremely immature and not nanny material at all (I was getting angry for you while I was reading your post!) I hope you can fire her ASAP and find a good solution.

SapphireCounselor

I would be pissed too. You have every right to fire her. It will be a little more complicated because of the family connection, but honestly this might be a teachable moment for her as well.

Dignity100

When you hired her, you had certain expectations.  She cannot meet those expectations.  I don't think you're being a bitch in the slightest.  I would have fired her and just said 'when I hired you, this is what we agreed to, you are no longer fulfilling your end of the deal, so I'm sorry, I think I need to go with somebody else' -- that's the nice way of doing it (and she would only get that courtesy because she's family).

climbingsingle

I don't think you're being a bitch at all. I'd be really angry with her. 

ashley8918

jenajjthr said:

This is not directed at you, but parents in general. You're children are your most precious gifts, why you would choose the lowest bidder in a daycare provider astounds me. You don't have to choose the highest either. Let your gut decide. Pick the person that your gut says will be the best sitter for your child.

You say it wasn't directed at me, but it really feels that way.

I didn't "choose the lowest bidder". I chose her because she was family whom i assumed I could trust, and this was her intended career path. I Trusted and respected her, and wanted to help her build her resume for life after college. She is educated in childcare and education. My gut did tell me that she would be a good sitter for my child. If I had any gut feeling otherwise, I wouldn't have given her this opportunity. I'm pretty sure that I never indicated to the contrary.

Yes, I am receiving a decent deal because I am family, but that is not why she was chosen and I don't appreciate the assumption.

Additionally, as PPs have said, let's Let's not shame people for not having the means to hire the super-expensive all-star childcare. I happen to be one of those people. I absolutely, 100% cannot afford to place my children with a $20 per hour child care provider (which is the norm around here). This obviously means that I don't value my "most precious gifts", huh? 

Maybe i'm just being sensitive, but I think your comment was out of line and I find it very offensive as an incredibly hard-working mom of limited means. I didn't place my children with some skeezy weirdo because it was cheap. I placed them with someone that I trusted.

ETF Grammar.

KatieinBkln

Ugh, I'm so sorry, that sucks. I do not think you're being unreasonable or bitchy for firing her. She may very well be a good caretaker someday, and I hope for her sake that eventually her education serves her well, but right now she is just too immature to handle it. A lot of those problems have to do with the kind of "seat of your pants" planning that a lot of young people go by, and it's just a sign that she isn't "there" yet when it comes to being mature enough to plan ahead. 

If I were you I'd be really clear about the reasons why you're letting her go, so that she understands the issues. She'll probably be upset, and maybe some of your family will be too, but you have to do what you have to do, and hopefully one day she will be able to learn something from this. 

Good luck, this kind of thing is never easy. 

OnceUponAVine

Wow. I am a full-time nanny and you are not being a bitch at all. What she's been doing is absolute bullshit and while its awkward and uncomfortable firing her is definitely the best decision.

That being said when you do tell her that you will no longer be needing her services I suggest telling her why as well - only because she is family. Basically let her know that all the nonsense she's pulled doesn't fly in the real world and that watching people's children is an important responsibility that she can't just pawn off on whatever family/friend happens to be available.

ashley8918

OnceUponAVine said:

Wow. I am a full-time nanny and you are not being a bitch at all. What she's been doing is absolute bullshit and while its awkward and uncomfortable firing her is definitely the best decision.

That being said when you do tell her that you will no longer be needing her services I suggest telling her why as well - only because she is family. Basically let her know that all the nonsense she's pulled doesn't fly in the real world and that watching people's children is an important responsibility that she can't just pawn off on whatever family/friend happens to be available.

Yes, I will definitely make sure to do this. She is still family and I can help her in the future by explaining why it didn't work out.

phira

OnceUponAVine said:

Wow. I am a full-time nanny and you are not being a bitch at all. What she's been doing is absolute bullshit and while its awkward and uncomfortable firing her is definitely the best decision.

That being said when you do tell her that you will no longer be needing her services I suggest telling her why as well - only because she is family. Basically let her know that all the nonsense she's pulled doesn't fly in the real world and that watching people's children is an important responsibility that she can't just pawn off on whatever family/friend happens to be available.

I agree, although I also do feel like ... you don't really OWE it to her, but it would be a nice thing to do. I'd focus on specific behaviors, and why you, the parent, were not okay with the situation, so she understands why other parents would also not be okay with things.

"You're not responsible enough," or, "You pawned my kids off onto strangers" are going to get her defensive. Instead, "Because I didn't know until the last minute that you wouldn't be available, I didn't have the option to find someone else to watch over [children], which would have been a lot easier for me," or, "I hired you because I know you and trust you; it's important to me to leave [children] with people I trust. Since I don't know Jordan, it was not okay with me to have her watch them."

Emmy1493

I think when it comes to your kids, you have every right to feel the way you do. That is really something to trust your babies with someone else. Even if it is family, some people are lazy and shady. I think you should find an alternate route as soon as you can. I would also let your cousin know that is not okay to bring your kids anywhere else than where you authorize for them to be. I hope this all works out for you OP!

erinlin25

don't feel bad at all! She is not doing her job and she needs to learn that in the real world you have certain responsibilities to uphold or you get fired.  I hope you said something to her as warning regarding the situations before (taking the daughter to BF's, late pick ups, vacation leave, etc.)  She is not 15, she is in college-- she should know better on what is appropriate job behavior.  Cousin or not, she should respect you and your children.  Hell, even I knew better when I would babysit at 14!  She needs a wake up call.

grumbledore

jenajjthr said:

This is not directed at you, but parents in general. You're children are your most precious gifts, why you would choose the lowest bidder in a daycare provider astounds me. You don't have to choose the highest either. Let your gut decide. Pick the person that your gut says will be the best sitter for your child.

How's the view from up there, oh holiest one?

ashley8918

erinlin25 said:

don't feel bad at all! She is not doing her job and she needs to learn that in the real world you have certain responsibilities to uphold or you get fired.  I hope you said something to her as warning regarding the situations before (taking the daughter to BF's, late pick ups, vacation leave, etc.)  She is not 15, she is in college-- she should know better on what is appropriate job behavior.  Cousin or not, she should respect you and your children.  Hell, even I knew better when I would babysit at 14!  She needs a wake up call.

Yes, I said something about the boyfriend and late pick up situations when they happened, and received assurances that it wouldn't happen again. Those things alone would have been okay if they truly didn't happen again, but the vacation and ptentially not coming back were the final straws.