PMS or Valid Anger

loveislouder

I'm going to start with I love my FI very much, but lately I'm just so overwhelmed I want to cry and live under my bed. 

My FI and I just bought a house about 2 months ago. It's a cute little place, but there is so much more work being put in to owning a home rather than renting an apartment. My FI is insistant that he wants to rake the yard because he enjoys it, yet I did it because I asked him 3 weeks ago to do it (he had 3 days off in a row all 3 weeks), and he didn't do it. Same with washing the dishes, unpacking the house, cleaning up after our cat, weeding the back yard, taking out the trash. He comes home and right away gets on the computer or plays video games with his brother online. 

 Today our cat needed to go to the vet. I called him at 2, told him he had to be there by 3 (it was an emergency visit, she has a lump that hurts to touch and she was just spayed 3 weeks ago). He called me at 2:50 saying he hadn't left yet because his brother dropped by to play a game. 

Please, tell me if I'm being petty, selfish or if my anger is actually valid.

ETA: Where are my paragraphs.

beethery

That is not PMS anger, that is valid anger. Your FI is fucking off and he needs to get his shit together.

Bubblegum5586

This is valid anger, he is definitely slacking on his responsibilities! 

JCbride2015

Valid anger.  Definitely.  He needs to step up and stop being a man-child.

HisGirlFriday13

loveislouder said:

I'm going to start with I love my FI very much, but lately I'm just so overwhelmed I want to cry and live under my bed. 

My FI and I just bought a house about 2 months ago. It's a cute little place, but there is so much more work being put in to owning a home rather than renting an apartment. My FI is insistant that he wants to rake the yard because he enjoys it, yet I did it because I asked him 3 weeks ago to do it (he had 3 days off in a row all 3 weeks), and he didn't do it. Same with washing the dishes, unpacking the house, cleaning up after our cat, weeding the back yard, taking out the trash. He comes home and right away gets on the computer or plays video games with his brother online. 

 Today our cat needed to go to the vet. I called him at 2, told him he had to be there by 3 (it was an emergency visit, she has a lump that hurts to touch and she was just spayed 3 weeks ago). He called me at 2:50 saying he hadn't left yet because his brother dropped by to play a game. 

Please, tell me if I'm being petty, selfish or if my anger is actually valid.

ETA: Where are my paragraphs.

This is beyond valid anger and into righteous indignation. I'd be fucking FURIOUS with DH for any of that, let alone all of it.

You and your FI need to have a sit-down, come-to-Jesus conversation about his responsibilities and your expectations, because your expectations aren't unreasonable, but his slacking off and playing video games is inexcusable.

lyndausvi

Valid, very valid.

daria24

I'm having valid anger just reading that.

Look, sometimes we all "fail" as partners. Our bathroom should have been cleaned 3 weeks ago and it hasn't happened yet. Sometimes you have to let things go. 

But when a partner is choosing video games/watching tv/laziness every single day instead of the numerous things that need to be done (taking care of a sick pet!), then it's time to have a come to Yeezus meeting (as in, your Fi is acting like Kanye the Diva, and needs to get his shit together). 

Make a list of things that need to get done, with a due date. Divide the list. If he isn't getting his part done, it's time to reconsider your relationship. 

SmileDamnit

Beyond valid. This would make me all sorts of ragey-like. 

CMGragain

Your anger is valid.  Wait until you calm down, turn off the TV and the computer, and have a talk with your FI.  He may be clueless.  You need to explain this in terms he can understand.  Leave your emotional feelings out of this, and concentrate on the actual things that you want him to do.  It might help to give him a list of the things he is expected to do.
I have bad news for you.  THIS WON"T CHANGE.  You will be dealing with this for the rest of your life if you marry him.  Been there, done that.
My daughter is also married to a gamer/engineer geek.  He helps her around the house, but gets lost in the game world, too.

SapphireCounselor

loveislouder said:

I'm going to start with I love my FI very much, but lately I'm just so overwhelmed I want to cry and live under my bed. 

My FI and I just bought a house about 2 months ago. It's a cute little place, but there is so much more work being put in to owning a home rather than renting an apartment. My FI is insistant that he wants to rake the yard because he enjoys it, yet I did it because I asked him 3 weeks ago to do it (he had 3 days off in a row all 3 weeks), and he didn't do it. Same with washing the dishes, unpacking the house, cleaning up after our cat, weeding the back yard, taking out the trash. He comes home and right away gets on the computer or plays video games with his brother online. 

 Today our cat needed to go to the vet. I called him at 2, told him he had to be there by 3 (it was an emergency visit, she has a lump that hurts to touch and she was just spayed 3 weeks ago). He called me at 2:50 saying he hadn't left yet because his brother dropped by to play a game. 

Please, tell me if I'm being petty, selfish or if my anger is actually valid.

ETA: Where are my paragraphs.

Definitely valid! My DH and I just bought a house about two months ago, so I'm nodding as you describe all of the projects that need to be done. It feels never-ending. It is overwhelming enough at first, even with a supportive partner. Without my DH's support, I would cry and/or punch things...literally.

emmyg65

Valid anger. What he's doing is not cool and it's time to sit down for a little chitchat about it. 

grumbledore

Another vote for Valid Anger.  He needs to step up, big time.  Not just today, but in general.

I'd be livid.

Maggie0829

loveislouder said:

I'm going to start with I love my FI very much, but lately I'm just so overwhelmed I want to cry and live under my bed. 

My FI and I just bought a house about 2 months ago. It's a cute little place, but there is so much more work being put in to owning a home rather than renting an apartment. My FI is insistant that he wants to rake the yard because he enjoys it, yet I did it because I asked him 3 weeks ago to do it (he had 3 days off in a row all 3 weeks), and he didn't do it. Same with washing the dishes, unpacking the house, cleaning up after our cat, weeding the back yard, taking out the trash. He comes home and right away gets on the computer or plays video games with his brother online. 

 Today our cat needed to go to the vet. I called him at 2, told him he had to be there by 3 (it was an emergency visit, she has a lump that hurts to touch and she was just spayed 3 weeks ago). He called me at 2:50 saying he hadn't left yet because his brother dropped by to play a game. 

Please, tell me if I'm being petty, selfish or if my anger is actually valid.

ETA: Where are my paragraphs.

Valid.

Will that be his response if you had a kid (if you are going to have them) that had an emergency medical appointment or you or a close family member?

FFS video games can wait.

But I can relate OP.  H and I bought a house, moved in a month before we got married and then after the wedding and HM I swear H got extremely lazy.  It wasn't like he was super energetic with things before but after he just didn't seem to care about much except hanging out with his friends and playing video games.  So we had to have a talk about things and now they are much better.  So you and your FI just need to have a calm sit down conversation about how he has been acting and maybe even put together a weekly chore list where you each assign yourself tasks that way you can hold each other accountable.

lyndausvi

I must say I married a man-child.   I knew that when I married him.  I knew from the beginning he is not one for housework.  He will do it, it's just on  his time not mine.   Doesn't help he works outside the house 7 days a week 10+  hours a day.  I on the other hand work from home 7 hours a day 5 days a week.  I see it more so it bothers me more.

When I start feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated I just talk to him.   He normally gets back on track. I will be working in the morning and all the sudden I hear the vacuum running. I will go upstairs and see he started the laundry (which actually stress me out because he isn't good, bu whatever, he's trying).

He is not a mind reader.  You need to just talk to him.  Not yell.  Talk.

smalfrie19

I am going for valid anger for one reason. Your cat should not have to suffer because of a video game. That's one of my intolerances. DO NOT let your pets suffer because you are selfish. *steps off soapbox*

phira

daria24 said:

I'm having valid anger just reading that.

Look, sometimes we all "fail" as partners. Our bathroom should have been cleaned 3 weeks ago and it hasn't happened yet. Sometimes you have to let things go. 

But when a partner is choosing video games/watching tv/laziness every single day instead of the numerous things that need to be done (taking care of a sick pet!), then it's time to have a come to Yeezus meeting (as in, your Fi is acting like Kanye the Diva, and needs to get his shit together). 

Make a list of things that need to get done, with a due date. Divide the list. If he isn't getting his part done, it's time to reconsider your relationship. 

This is absolutely true. Either things need to change, or the relationship needs to end. Please don't think that if you love him enough, that's enough to make it worth staying if he doesn't change.

A friend of mine ended an engagement/relationship when her fiance behaved similarly. Like, he'd skip out on plans because of gaming. And he'd say he'd be home by [time] and he'd call when he was supposed to be home saying he was still several hours away and wasn't done gaming with friends. All. The. Time. And after one particularly bad event (she was hospitalized and he didn't understand why she wanted him to come to the hospital to stay with her for a bit), she finally realized, "Hey. I don't want to keep doing this forever."

I also want to point out: PMS doesn't make you get angry about stuff that isn't anger-worthy. It just makes it harder to suppress anger. For me, it just lowers my bullshit-threshold.

JCbride2015

phira said:

daria24 said:

I'm having valid anger just reading that.

Look, sometimes we all "fail" as partners. Our bathroom should have been cleaned 3 weeks ago and it hasn't happened yet. Sometimes you have to let things go. 

But when a partner is choosing video games/watching tv/laziness every single day instead of the numerous things that need to be done (taking care of a sick pet!), then it's time to have a come to Yeezus meeting (as in, your Fi is acting like Kanye the Diva, and needs to get his shit together). 

Make a list of things that need to get done, with a due date. Divide the list. If he isn't getting his part done, it's time to reconsider your relationship. 

This is absolutely true. Either things need to change, or the relationship needs to end. Please don't think that if you love him enough, that's enough to make it worth staying if he doesn't change.

A friend of mine ended an engagement/relationship when her fiance behaved similarly. Like, he'd skip out on plans because of gaming. And he'd say he'd be home by [time] and he'd call when he was supposed to be home saying he was still several hours away and wasn't done gaming with friends. All. The. Time. And after one particularly bad event (she was hospitalized and he didn't understand why she wanted him to come to the hospital to stay with her for a bit), she finally realized, "Hey. I don't want to keep doing this forever."

I also want to point out: PMS doesn't make you get angry about stuff that isn't anger-worthy. It just makes it harder to suppress anger. For me, it just lowers my bullshit-threshold.

Agree 100%.  I hate when people use PMS as an excuse to diminish the validity of a woman's anger.  We even do it to ourselves, too.

HisGirlFriday13

@phira and @JCBride2015:

I hate when women use that as an excuse for themselves, or for other women, because it perpetuates the mythology that somehow our hormones are responsible for our emotions.

No, I can be pissed as fuck with you WITHOUT having my period, but having my period and its accompanying cramps, backache, headache, etc. means, as phira said, my bullshit bar is lowered significantly, so things I might tolerate when I'm not PMS'ing I will call you out on when I am PMS'ing.

But having my period doesn't make me mad. It just makes me less good at hiding the mad.

Maggie0829

lyndausvi said:

I must say I married a man-child.   I knew that when I married him.  I knew from the beginning he is not one for housework.  He will do it, it's just on  his time not mine.   Doesn't help he works outside the house 7 days a week 10+  hours a day.  I on the other hand work from home 7 hours a day 5 days a week.  I see it more so it bothers me more.

When I start feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated I just talk to him.   He normally gets back on track. I will be working in the morning and all the sudden I hear the vacuum running. I will go upstairs and see he started the laundry (which actually stress me out because he isn't good, bu whatever, he's trying).

He is not a mind reader.  You need to just talk to him.  Not yell.  Talk.

LOL!  It stresses me out as well when H tries to be helpful and starts a load of laundry.  All I can think of is "what mixture of clothes did he just put in there and hopefully he doesn't dry things that shouldn't be dried."

phira

I had to teach J to do laundry differently. He did all of his clothes on hot water and dried them all on the highest heat setting. We still have to use a pretty high dry setting because our building's machine is terrible, but now he uses cold water. SHOCKINGLY his clothes are holding up much better. He still can't sort my laundry properly (I've got a lot of stuff that can go in the washing machine without a problem, but needs to air dry), so before he does laundry, I have to put all of the non-machine-dry clothes in a lingerie bag.

ANYWAY.

I'm reminded of the second letter in this post on Captain Awkward (again, the second letter, although you can totally read the skidmark letter if you're interested). Obviously, raking the leaves =/= going to the bathroom. But also obviously: there are things that he needs to be doing as a person who lives in this house and is a part of this relationship, and while there might be mental health reasons he's not raking leaves/taking out the trash/caring for your shared pet, that doesn't mean that it's totes okay for you to just be the only responsible adult.

loveislouder

Thanks ladies!! I know PMS isn't an excuse to be mad. I get mad without it, but, like ya'll said, it's lowers my bullshit threshold and I need to be told if I'm over reacting.

I really appreciate all your advice. I'll wait until tomorrow to talk to him, then maybe start up a chore list or something of the sort.

You guys are the best.

bethsmiles

I agree with what all the PPs have said. Your anger is definitely justified. I would be absolutely livid if SO missed an important appointment because of video game! We both love video games but we know when to put the game down and get adult things done.

It's time for a talk with your FI.

loveislouder

(Side note: Kitten is okay.  The swelling is normal, should go down within a month. If she stops eating, or starts biting at it we have to take her back)

lyndausvi

Maggie0829 said:

lyndausvi said:

I must say I married a man-child.   I knew that when I married him.  I knew from the beginning he is not one for housework.  He will do it, it's just on  his time not mine.   Doesn't help he works outside the house 7 days a week 10+  hours a day.  I on the other hand work from home 7 hours a day 5 days a week.  I see it more so it bothers me more.

When I start feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated I just talk to him.   He normally gets back on track. I will be working in the morning and all the sudden I hear the vacuum running. I will go upstairs and see he started the laundry (which actually stress me out because he isn't good, bu whatever, he's trying).

He is not a mind reader.  You need to just talk to him.  Not yell.  Talk.

LOL!  It stresses me out as well when H tries to be helpful and starts a load of laundry.  All I can think of is "what mixture of clothes did he just put in there and hopefully he doesn't dry things that shouldn't be dried."

YES.   He puts red shirts, white shirts and brown towels along with a bunch of other stuff that overloads the washer.  IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.  

jdluvr06

Valid anger. FI an I went through a period like that when we first moved in together. He would just sit around and play on the computer. I admittedly didn't handle it well at first. I threatened to smash his compute with a hammer if he didn't get off his ass and do what he said he would. Lol. We did eventually sit down and talk about it and he is so much better now. I think he does more housework then I do now.

MobKaz

loveislouder said:

I'm going to start with I love my FI very much, but lately I'm just so overwhelmed I want to cry and live under my bed. 

My FI and I just bought a house about 2 months ago. It's a cute little place, but there is so much more work being put in to owning a home rather than renting an apartment. My FI is insistant that he wants to rake the yard because he enjoys it, yet I did it because I asked him 3 weeks ago to do it (he had 3 days off in a row all 3 weeks), and he didn't do it. Same with washing the dishes, unpacking the house, cleaning up after our cat, weeding the back yard, taking out the trash. He comes home and right away gets on the computer or plays video games with his brother online. 

 Today our cat needed to go to the vet. I called him at 2, told him he had to be there by 3 (it was an emergency visit, she has a lump that hurts to touch and she was just spayed 3 weeks ago). He called me at 2:50 saying he hadn't left yet because his brother dropped by to play a game. 

Please, tell me if I'm being petty, selfish or if my anger is actually valid.

ETA: Where are my paragraphs.

1.  Valid anger.

2.  You also need to make some decisions about this "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation.  If you tackle tasks that are on his list of things to do, he sees that they get done by you.  You need to stop doing that whenever possible. 

3.  Roles need to be changed ASAP.  Chores need to be discussed in terms of who does what, and when.

Maggie0829

lyndausvi said:

Maggie0829 said:

lyndausvi said:

I must say I married a man-child.   I knew that when I married him.  I knew from the beginning he is not one for housework.  He will do it, it's just on  his time not mine.   Doesn't help he works outside the house 7 days a week 10+  hours a day.  I on the other hand work from home 7 hours a day 5 days a week.  I see it more so it bothers me more.

When I start feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated I just talk to him.   He normally gets back on track. I will be working in the morning and all the sudden I hear the vacuum running. I will go upstairs and see he started the laundry (which actually stress me out because he isn't good, bu whatever, he's trying).

He is not a mind reader.  You need to just talk to him.  Not yell.  Talk.

LOL!  It stresses me out as well when H tries to be helpful and starts a load of laundry.  All I can think of is "what mixture of clothes did he just put in there and hopefully he doesn't dry things that shouldn't be dried."

YES.   He puts red shirts, white shirts and brown towels along with a bunch of other stuff that overloads the washer.  IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.  

We have a four bag laundry sorter. Whites, non-dryables, pants/underwear/sweats, t-shirts. Everyday I go to throw clothes in the appropriate bags and I see BLACK socks in the WHITE bin. I ask him why and he says well that is where I put all my white socks so I figured all socks go in that bag. Um, no, it is call the "whites" bag for a reason!!

loveislouder

@MobKaz damned if I do for sure lol. I only raked because we were getting side-eyed by our neighbours.  I've left the dishes in the sink for 2 weeks (just the ones that can't go in the dishwasher).  It sounds gross, but he'll get the hint I hope.

JCbride2015

MobKaz said:

loveislouder said:

I'm going to start with I love my FI very much, but lately I'm just so overwhelmed I want to cry and live under my bed. 

My FI and I just bought a house about 2 months ago. It's a cute little place, but there is so much more work being put in to owning a home rather than renting an apartment. My FI is insistant that he wants to rake the yard because he enjoys it, yet I did it because I asked him 3 weeks ago to do it (he had 3 days off in a row all 3 weeks), and he didn't do it. Same with washing the dishes, unpacking the house, cleaning up after our cat, weeding the back yard, taking out the trash. He comes home and right away gets on the computer or plays video games with his brother online. 

 Today our cat needed to go to the vet. I called him at 2, told him he had to be there by 3 (it was an emergency visit, she has a lump that hurts to touch and she was just spayed 3 weeks ago). He called me at 2:50 saying he hadn't left yet because his brother dropped by to play a game. 

Please, tell me if I'm being petty, selfish or if my anger is actually valid.

ETA: Where are my paragraphs.

1.  Valid anger.

2.  You also need to make some decisions about this "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation.  If you tackle tasks that are on his list of things to do, he sees that they get done by you.  You need to stop doing that whenever possible. 

3.  Roles need to be changed ASAP.  Chores need to be discussed in terms of who does what, and when.

Yeah this is important.  Lately my technique is thus:

1) Tell Fi, "after this TV show is over, we should do a sweep of the apartment and pick up Things X,Y, and Z; we need to unload the dishwasher; and fold these clothes."  Give him fair warning.

2) TV show ends.  I tell Fi "Let's start cleaning" and he says "sure" but sometimes doesn't move.

3) So I get up and start cleaning-- but I only clean "my" mess, not his.  I'll put away any of my clothes that are around, put in a load of my own laundry, whatever.  Fi gets his ass in gear when he sees all the remaining mess is his.  Then once he's up and moving around and helping, he's already in gear for the "both of ours" messes like dishes, so we do that together.

lyndausvi

loveislouder said:

Thanks ladies!! I know PMS isn't an excuse to be mad. I get mad without it, but, like ya'll said, it's lowers my bullshit threshold and I need to be told if I'm over reacting.

I really appreciate all your advice. I'll wait until tomorrow to talk to him, then maybe start up a chore list or something of the sort.

You guys are the best.

I'm not saying you are doing this but I find DH is is more willing to help if I'm not too critical of how he does things.    It's just a general statement on our household.

     

DH stopped doing laundry when I would continue to complain on how he did laundry (he doesn't separate).   He is like "If you want me to do the laundry let me do it my way or I'm not going to do it".    It's hard sometimes, but the more I backed off on complaining on how he did something the more he would do the chore. Sure I sometimes go back and "fix" something, but I'm okay with that.

My mom complained about how we did things to the point we just didn't want to clean anymore.    To this day my mom complains that we do not load the dishwasher properly.     I'm like the dishes are clean, what does it matter?  She thinks we were lazy, we think she is nuts for requiring certain items in certain places in the dishwasher.

Again it's just a general statement on what work for in our household. 

KatieinBkln

JCbride2015 said:

MobKaz said:

loveislouder said:

I'm going to start with I love my FI very much, but lately I'm just so overwhelmed I want to cry and live under my bed. 

My FI and I just bought a house about 2 months ago. It's a cute little place, but there is so much more work being put in to owning a home rather than renting an apartment. My FI is insistant that he wants to rake the yard because he enjoys it, yet I did it because I asked him 3 weeks ago to do it (he had 3 days off in a row all 3 weeks), and he didn't do it. Same with washing the dishes, unpacking the house, cleaning up after our cat, weeding the back yard, taking out the trash. He comes home and right away gets on the computer or plays video games with his brother online. 

 Today our cat needed to go to the vet. I called him at 2, told him he had to be there by 3 (it was an emergency visit, she has a lump that hurts to touch and she was just spayed 3 weeks ago). He called me at 2:50 saying he hadn't left yet because his brother dropped by to play a game. 

Please, tell me if I'm being petty, selfish or if my anger is actually valid.

ETA: Where are my paragraphs.

1.  Valid anger.

2.  You also need to make some decisions about this "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation.  If you tackle tasks that are on his list of things to do, he sees that they get done by you.  You need to stop doing that whenever possible. 

3.  Roles need to be changed ASAP.  Chores need to be discussed in terms of who does what, and when.

Yeah this is important.  Lately my technique is thus:

1) Tell Fi, "after this TV show is over, we should do a sweep of the apartment and pick up Things X,Y, and Z; we need to unload the dishwasher; and fold these clothes."  Give him fair warning.

2) TV show ends.  I tell Fi "Let's start cleaning" and he says "sure" but sometimes doesn't move.

3) So I get up and start cleaning-- but I only clean "my" mess, not his.  I'll put away any of my clothes that are around, put in a load of my own laundry, whatever.  Fi gets his ass in gear when he sees all the remaining mess is his.  Then once he's up and moving around and helping, he's already in gear for the "both of ours" messes like dishes, so we do that together .

SIB

Will you come over to my house and "get us started" on cleaning up? Once we start we're good, but damn if neither FI nor I want to "initiate." We are the worst at adulting.