Bachelorette party

daisy662

My sister is getting married this summer. She is a recovering alcoholic so doesn't want to have the typical bachelorette party. She suggested the girls in the bridal party go out for dinner. I thought this was a great idea. My question is, who pays for this? Is it tacky to expect everyone to pay for their own dinner? I am the maid of honor and I can afford to pay for the whole thing if I need to, but if it is ok to do, I would rather have everyone pay their own. Thoughts? Also, I was thinking about asking each girl to chip in a couple of bucks to get her a small gift (not required but as a recommendation) Is this tacky? Would love some recommendations to make this a fun event for her. Thanks!!

mysticl

In my world everyone pays their own way to the bachelorette party.  If it's dinner then each guests chips in to cover the bride's meal.  If it's out to the bars the guests pay for themselves and may buy the bride drinks as they wish/can afford.  The last one I went to was a joint bachelor/bachelorette and we ran a tab.  Then we just split it evenly without asking the bride and groom to contribute.  Personally, I would not ask people to chip in for a gift. It could be seen as tacky, especially if bachelorette parties are not usually gift giving events in your circle.  If people want to bring her a gift they will.  

ElcaB

The only person who shouldn't be paying for her meal is the bride. That should be an expense you either cover completely or everyone else chips in for. 

I'd skip asking everyone to contribute towards a gift. If they want to bring something, they will. 

daisy662

Thanks to you both, this is what I was expecting to hear. Anyone have any fun ideas that don't involve alcohol that would make this a special evening for her?

pinkshorts27

mysticl said:

In my world everyone pays their own way to the bachelorette party.  If it's dinner then each guests chips in to cover the bride's meal.  If it's out to the bars the guests pay for themselves and may buy the bride drinks as they wish/can afford.  The last one I went to was a joint bachelor/bachelorette and we ran a tab.  Then we just split it evenly without asking the bride and groom to contribute.  Personally, I would not ask people to chip in for a gift. It could be seen as tacky, especially if bachelorette parties are not usually gift giving events in your circle.  If people want to bring her a gift they will.  

I hate doing this, because I rarely eat/drink as much as other people.  I would suggest to anyone to let people pay their own way, don't do the even split. If I couldn't afford to order a big meal, so I ordered a cheap appetizer and water, I would be bummed that I had to shell out more for Sally's steak.

mysticl

pinkshorts27 said:

mysticl said:

In my world everyone pays their own way to the bachelorette party.  If it's dinner then each guests chips in to cover the bride's meal.  If it's out to the bars the guests pay for themselves and may buy the bride drinks as they wish/can afford.  The last one I went to was a joint bachelor/bachelorette and we ran a tab.  Then we just split it evenly without asking the bride and groom to contribute.  Personally, I would not ask people to chip in for a gift. It could be seen as tacky, especially if bachelorette parties are not usually gift giving events in your circle.  If people want to bring her a gift they will.  

I hate doing this, because I rarely eat/drink as much as other people.  I would suggest to anyone to let people pay their own way, don't do the even split. If I couldn't afford to order a big meal, so I ordered a cheap appetizer and water, I would be bummed that I had to shell out more for Sally's steak.

It's not something I would normally do.  It that particular case it was a small group of us (family/best friends) and some of the people involved had done a lot for me when I was going through a very hard time financially so it was nice to be able to cover a few drinks for them.  A couple of the guests tried to convince me to pay less because I hadn't had as many drinks as some of them but I insisted.  

  

pinkshorts27

mysticl said:

pinkshorts27 said:

mysticl said:

In my world everyone pays their own way to the bachelorette party.  If it's dinner then each guests chips in to cover the bride's meal.  If it's out to the bars the guests pay for themselves and may buy the bride drinks as they wish/can afford.  The last one I went to was a joint bachelor/bachelorette and we ran a tab.  Then we just split it evenly without asking the bride and groom to contribute.  Personally, I would not ask people to chip in for a gift. It could be seen as tacky, especially if bachelorette parties are not usually gift giving events in your circle.  If people want to bring her a gift they will.  

I hate doing this, because I rarely eat/drink as much as other people.  I would suggest to anyone to let people pay their own way, don't do the even split. If I couldn't afford to order a big meal, so I ordered a cheap appetizer and water, I would be bummed that I had to shell out more for Sally's steak.

It's not something I would normally do.  It that particular case it was a small group of us (family/best friends) and some of the people involved had done a lot for me when I was going through a very hard time financially so it was nice to be able to cover a few drinks for them.  A couple of the guests tried to convince me to pay less because I hadn't had as many drinks as some of them but I insisted.  

  

No that's fair. I just wanted lurkers to know why I thought it was a bad idea. We went to cheesecake factory with a group of 30 and the other half of the table was ordering bottles of wine (which I didn't get to drink) and all I had was a Diet Coke with my meal. When they wanted to split the bill, I said no-way. My part was 22 dollars, splitting would have been at least 40. 

ohannabelle

Actually, this is traditionally what used to happen, before "bachelorette" parties became a thing in the 80s. The bridesmaid's lunch, (or the bridesmaid's luncheon, for those who wanted to gussy the word up.) 

I like the idea a lot more than the new traditions, which often cross the line from fun to just tacky. I'd rather have a nice lunch or dinner with my friends than run around bars getting drunk wearing plastic tiaras and glow in the dark penis necklaces.

Good for your sister!  I vote to bring this tradition back. And yep, traditionally the cost was shared between the bridesmaids. 

KatieinBkln

I read an interesting take on this--splitting checks, not bachelorette parties, sorry. I think it was the New York Times, so take it with a grain of rich-people salt (that would be pink sea salt from an exclusive cliff somewhere in the Mediterranean), but the author suggested that for large groups, the meal should be split evenly, but you're on your own for drinks. The idea being that if you can only afford an appetizer while your friends get entrees, maybe you shouldn't go at all, and if you plan to get the most expensive dry-aged steak on the menu, don't be a jerk and order something else. I thought this was a little bit ridiculous for everyday, especially for younger people like me who tend to have a wide variety of income levels among friends. But for a "special occasion" like Bachelorette Dinner, I think it might be a decent compromise: We all split the food (except the bride) but if you're drinking, you pay for it on your own. 

daisy662

So I've been googling ideas for bachelorette parties without alcohol and I came across going to a comedy club. I was thinking about surprising the group with a limo and taking them to the comedy club after the dinner. Thought it might be fun!

ohannabelle

You know, I seem to remember my mom coming back with a little present- I think this might have been the occasion that the bridesmaids received their gifts from the bride. I'll call her in a couple of hours and ask, when she's awake. (I'd forgotten all about the bridesmaid's lunches. What a sweet old tradition to revive.)

ElcaB

daisy662 said:

Thanks to you both, this is what I was expecting to hear. Anyone have any fun ideas that don't involve alcohol that would make this a special evening for her?

There are tons of things you can do! A few suggestions:

• Lots of places have "Wine & Canvas" events that go by many other names (private parties where you paint a picture). You could cut the wine and instead make a delicious nonalcoholic specialty drink with appetizers. 
  
• See a play, musical, improv group, or comedy club.
  
• Go to a fun concert. 
  
• Spa day/night night.
  
• Go to the zoo.  
  

pinkshorts27

@KatieinBkln Why? That doesn't make sense. If the waitress is already splitting drinks, why not split the meal? If John wants to order a steak, that is no skin off my nose, I just don't want to pay for it. If Sally can only afford and app but wants to attend to celebrate with my at a BP, I wouldn't want her to feel awkward. Also if I'm going to dinner, I expect to be able to budget. I expect to only pay for myself, so if I was sprung with the shared meals, I would be kind of ticked. FWIW at this point I can afford the steak and may want to order it. I don't want anyone to feel stuck paying for it.

KatieinBkln

Yeah, @pinkshorts27, I don't think the reasoning in the article was logistical--the idea was that if you are going out to share an experience together, you share it. (As a FRAMILY, dammit!). Again, I'm not 100% on board with either the idea OR the reasoning, but if you're in a group that tends to split checks it's a good way not to get stuck with your heavy-drinking friend's tab. 

photokitty

KatieinBkln said:

Yeah, @pinkshorts27, I don't think the reasoning in the article was logistical--the idea was that if you are going out to share an experience together, you share it. (As a FRAMILY, dammit!). Again, I'm not 100% on board with either the idea OR the reasoning, but if you're in a group that tends to split checks it's a good way not to get stuck with your heavy-drinking friend's tab. 

I would think the waiter would be ticked about having to split the food evenly and then split all the drinks by person. Do you get two bills or do they have to manually add the two totals in the system?? 

Some restaurants refuse to split checks for large parties, I can't imagine having to do this level of work for a large group.

[Deleted User]

At a restaurant with friends, often when we share a tab, we'll go up to the bar to order drinks. (In our county they don't tax items bought at the bar, but do tax items bought when sitting at a served table.) Since we're expecting it, we'll make sure to have cash to pay for our portion of the food including percentages of appetizers that we shared, and when it works well, we will end up giving a pretty big tip.

KatieinBkln

photokitty said:

KatieinBkln said:

Yeah, @pinkshorts27, I don't think the reasoning in the article was logistical--the idea was that if you are going out to share an experience together, you share it. (As a FRAMILY, dammit!). Again, I'm not 100% on board with either the idea OR the reasoning, but if you're in a group that tends to split checks it's a good way not to get stuck with your heavy-drinking friend's tab. 

I would think the waiter would be ticked about having to split the food evenly and then split all the drinks by person. Do you get two bills or do they have to manually add the two totals in the system?? 

Some restaurants refuse to split checks for large parties, I can't imagine having to do this level of work for a large group.

Eh, I can't stand restaurants that won't split checks. If a bunch of half-drunk, jolly friends can be expected to do math, then certainly someone whose job it is to handle checks should be able to do it. I don't think that's a valid excuse. (But I make sure that the tip is HUGE when I'm with a big party because I know that while it is expected work, it is extra work).

[Deleted User]

As far as alcohol-free bachelorette party ideas, I'd definitely consider having a Ladies Lunch. Or what about getting a hotel room at a place with a great pool. One room for 12 or so ladies and you could all just sit out at the pool sunning yourselves, you wouldn't even have to stay the night, just have the room for changing and maybe showering afterwards. Comedy clubs are fun, but sometimes they'll have something like a 2 drink minimum. No idea if Diet Coke is included in that, but just something to consider.

photokitty

KatieinBkln said:

photokitty said:

KatieinBkln said:

Yeah, @pinkshorts27, I don't think the reasoning in the article was logistical--the idea was that if you are going out to share an experience together, you share it. (As a FRAMILY, dammit!). Again, I'm not 100% on board with either the idea OR the reasoning, but if you're in a group that tends to split checks it's a good way not to get stuck with your heavy-drinking friend's tab. 

I would think the waiter would be ticked about having to split the food evenly and then split all the drinks by person. Do you get two bills or do they have to manually add the two totals in the system?? 

Some restaurants refuse to split checks for large parties, I can't imagine having to do this level of work for a large group.

Eh, I can't stand restaurants that won't split checks. If a bunch of half-drunk, jolly friends can be expected to do math, then certainly someone whose job it is to handle checks should be able to do it. I don't think that's a valid excuse. (But I make sure that the tip is HUGE when I'm with a big party because I know that while it is expected work, it is extra work).

My experience in college waiting tables for large parties, I did not find them to be large tippers overall

I also can't stand it when restaurants won't split checks, but I don't think it is fair to ask the waiter to split everything two different ways. Pick one, evenly or by person. Asking a waiter to do it both ways for one table is dumb and I'm surprised the Times suggested it. No offense to you

iloveotters2014

I would suggest going to a Small Plates/Tapas restaurant. Usually people dont have an issue with splitting the bill if everyone is ordering food for the table and just sharing. That's what my bridesmaids planned for my bachelorette dinner and we all got to try a variety of foods and it made it a lot easier to evenly split the bill.

ladyamanuet

Also not a fan of splitting the food.  I am a BM in a wedding in Oct, and after the first  outing to try on dresses, we went out for tapas and drinks (and a few girls who aren't BM joined for that part).  I had already mentioned earlier in the day that my allergy medicine completely destroys my appetite.  I had MAYBE 3 bites of tapas, and there were A LOT.  At the end, not only was I expected to pay an equal share, once the check was split onto our cards, I realized one of the girls hadn't even chipped in - and she SCARFED down food.  Needless to say, I was not pleased.  I would happily have covered the bride's portion, and a small amount for my 3 bites, but equal share - and not even equal since one girl didn't contribute - left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

For the non-alcoholic ideas, mani-pedis are always fun - and with enough notice you can usually book a whole place (depending on how many girls you have).  A nice luncheon or dinner, a nice Brunch, a paint class like a PP suggested, maybe a cooking class or a make your own sushi class?

KatieinBkln

Ha, see, where I'm coming from I am absolutely UN-surprised that the Times had a dumb idea (I have a love-hate relationship with it). You're totally correct that a double-split is more work for the server. It might be less ridiculous if the group asks ahead of time, but it is definitely an annoyance. 

Re: tippers, I HATE bad tippers. I was never a server but so many of my friends have been, and I know they work their asses off for those tips. I'm always the one in the big group saying, "Okay, everyone give me 2 more dollars, this tip is bullshit. WHO SKIMPED?"

And just to get back on topic for the OP, I like the pool party idea! When my sister was getting married, her other BMs were underage, so we did a little spa day and got our nails done then got lunch, before going out with my sis's older friends for a night on the town. (Never mind that their mother decided to text me to complain about the expense, which irritated the hell out of me because we really went out of our way to make sure they could be included at all, PLUS while they were young, they were not so young that they didn't have their own, earned money to spend so hearing from Mommy AT ALL pissed me off).

pinkshorts27

photokitty said:

KatieinBkln said:

photokitty said:

KatieinBkln said:

Yeah, @pinkshorts27, I don't think the reasoning in the article was logistical--the idea was that if you are going out to share an experience together, you share it. (As a FRAMILY, dammit!). Again, I'm not 100% on board with either the idea OR the reasoning, but if you're in a group that tends to split checks it's a good way not to get stuck with your heavy-drinking friend's tab. 

I would think the waiter would be ticked about having to split the food evenly and then split all the drinks by person. Do you get two bills or do they have to manually add the two totals in the system?? 

Some restaurants refuse to split checks for large parties, I can't imagine having to do this level of work for a large group.

Eh, I can't stand restaurants that won't split checks. If a bunch of half-drunk, jolly friends can be expected to do math, then certainly someone whose job it is to handle checks should be able to do it. I don't think that's a valid excuse. (But I make sure that the tip is HUGE when I'm with a big party because I know that while it is expected work, it is extra work).

My experience in college waiting tables for large parties, I did not find them to be large tippers overall

I also can't stand it when restaurants won't split checks, but I don't think it is fair to ask the waiter to split everything two different ways. Pick one, evenly or by person. Asking a waiter to do it both ways for one table is dumb and I'm surprised the Times suggested it. No offense to you

If they split checks, I always tip 25-30 percent.  I have tipped 50 when they are extraordinary Waiting on a large table is hard and I don't know how my table mates tip. 

littlemushroom

My friend isn't into drinking and bar hopping or any of the other embarrassing things at "typical" bachelorette parties, and she wanted to be able to include her nieces in the festivities who were a flower girl and junior bridesmaid.  For hers we went to a local "fun center" and all went mini golfing and rode the bumper boats (it was summer).  Then we went to dinner at her favorite restaurant with everyone.  For those two parts, everyone paid their own way and I paid for the bride (I was MOH).

After dinner, we (the bridesmaids and MOB and MOG) went back to my place and had a sleep over.  That part of the night was all about nostalgia from when we were all kids.  We talked, snacked on puppy chow and other fun things I made, played some karaoke video games and basically had a blast.  Some people didn't stay the entire night (both the moms and a bridesmaid left around 11), the rest of us camped out in my living room on air mattresses.  Since that part was at my house, I paid for all the drinks and snacks for everyone.

The nieces went home after dinner, so we did have alcohol at the slumber party, but no one got drunk and we would have had just as good of a time without it.  We will likely do something similar for my bachelorette party simply because I don't think going to bars or other typical things like spa days are much fun.

KatieinBkln

NikkiJay3333 said:

My friend isn't into drinking and bar hopping or any of the other embarrassing things at "typical" bachelorette parties, and she wanted to be able to include her nieces in the festivities who were a flower girl and junior bridesmaid.  For hers we went to a local "fun center" and all went mini golfing and rode the bumper boats (it was summer).  Then we went to dinner at her favorite restaurant with everyone.  For those two parts, everyone paid their own way and I paid for the bride (I was MOH).

After dinner, we (the bridesmaids and MOB and MOG) went back to my place and had a sleep over.  That part of the night was all about nostalgia from when we were all kids.  We talked, snacked on puppy chow and other fun things I made, played some karaoke video games and basically had a blast.  Some people didn't stay the entire night (both the moms and a bridesmaid left around 11), the rest of us camped out in my living room on air mattresses.  Since that part was at my house, I paid for all the drinks and snacks for everyone.

The nieces went home after dinner, so we did have alcohol at the slumber party, but no one got drunk and we would have had just as good of a time without it.  We will likely do something similar for my bachelorette party simply because I don't think going to bars or other typical things like spa days are much fun.

This. Sounds. AWESOME. I love doing "kid stuff" as an adult (with added booze, or not!). And puppy chow is MY JAM.

Inkdancer

The above posters all have good advice but I have one more suggestion: unless you are footing the whole bill yourself, talk to the other bridesmaids about their budget. They may be happy to pay for their own dinners if you go to Applebees, but unable to manage it if you go to Ruth's Chris. Get everybody on the same page before you make any announcements, so nobody has to deal with unpleasant surprises.

ashleyep

pinkshorts27 said:

mysticl said:

In my world everyone pays their own way to the bachelorette party.  If it's dinner then each guests chips in to cover the bride's meal.  If it's out to the bars the guests pay for themselves and may buy the bride drinks as they wish/can afford.  The last one I went to was a joint bachelor/bachelorette and we ran a tab.  Then we just split it evenly without asking the bride and groom to contribute.  Personally, I would not ask people to chip in for a gift. It could be seen as tacky, especially if bachelorette parties are not usually gift giving events in your circle.  If people want to bring her a gift they will.  

I hate doing this, because I rarely eat/drink as much as other people.  I would suggest to anyone to let people pay their own way, don't do the even split. If I couldn't afford to order a big meal, so I ordered a cheap appetizer and water, I would be bummed that I had to shell out more for Sally's steak.

When we've done that, we've always made exceptions for people who didn't get much. When we went to a weekend bachelorette, one of the nights I drove and wasn't feeling that great so I didn't drink at dinner and only got a soup. They had me throw in a few dollars, and split the rest. I generally think it's easier to just split the bill if it's a large enough group and everyone got roughly the same thing.

Back to OP's question - things I've done at bachelorette parties that aren't clubs/bars:

- Karaoke

- Day at the beach

- Bowling (backup plan when beach day got rained out)

- Manicures/Pedicures

- Tubing down a river (rent an inner tube and float down a river for the afternoon).

JellyBean52513

NikkiJay3333 said:

My friend isn't into drinking and bar hopping or any of the other embarrassing things at "typical" bachelorette parties, and she wanted to be able to include her nieces in the festivities who were a flower girl and junior bridesmaid.  For hers we went to a local "fun center" and all went mini golfing and rode the bumper boats (it was summer).  Then we went to dinner at her favorite restaurant with everyone.  For those two parts, everyone paid their own way and I paid for the bride (I was MOH).

Barhopping and drinking are not embarrassing things. 

Inkdancer

JellyBean52513 said:

NikkiJay3333 said:

My friend isn't into drinking and bar hopping or any of the other embarrassing things at "typical" bachelorette parties, and she wanted to be able to include her nieces in the festivities who were a flower girl and junior bridesmaid.  For hers we went to a local "fun center" and all went mini golfing and rode the bumper boats (it was summer).  Then we went to dinner at her favorite restaurant with everyone.  For those two parts, everyone paid their own way and I paid for the bride (I was MOH).

Barhopping and drinking are not embarrassing things. 

She may be referencing the penis cake, the public giving of lingerie, or the carving cucumbers into dicks. I am not really a fan of any of those things, but they are big favorites around here.

VulgarGirl

daisy662 said:

So I've been googling ideas for bachelorette parties without alcohol and I came across going to a comedy club. I was thinking about surprising the group with a limo and taking them to the comedy club after the dinner. Thought it might be fun!

Um, that sounds awesome! Some clubs do have an X drink minimum, but it can be just soda/tea/whatever. And not all clubs have it, so check with your local clubs if they have a drink minimum. Also...bowling, going to an arcade, or maybe a spa day (or just mani/pedis) could be fun as well.