Bridesmaids that are TOO opinionated!

tew14

so, 3 of my 6 bridesmaid are some of my best friends but I am getting worried that as it gets closer to picking out dresses, the bachelorette party, shower, and everything else, that there is going to be a lot of trouble. All of my friends are very opinionated and are not afraid to tell me things. Sometimes they don't think and they constantly bring me down. For example, I tell them that I will try my best to find bridesmaid dresses that don't cost too much, and they reply, you better!! I just know they are going to hassle me about every aspect of that. Also, they agreed to getting their hair and makeup professionally done, prior to me signing the contract, and every now and then, they start complaining about it. I asked them all first and gave them the choice. All they constantly say, is I am not spending a bunch of money! I am not expecting them too. I completely understand. Although, these friends think they can walk all over me and its hurtful. I honestly have been thinking, maybe they shouldn't be bridesmaid after all. I am concerned that they really don't care about the whole thing. I just don't know how to approach this.. help?

banana468

I think you need to approach it from a budget. Ask them individually much they can spend on a dress before alterations.

Also, remember that hair, shoes, and jewelry need to be financed by you if you require specifics.

tew14

Thank you! @banana468

HisGirlFriday13

tew14 said:

so, 3 of my 6 bridesmaid are some of my best friends but I am getting worried that as it gets closer to picking out dresses, the bachelorette party, shower, and everything else, that there is going to be a lot of trouble. All of my friends are very opinionated and are not afraid to tell me things. Sometimes they don't think and they constantly bring me down. For example, I tell them that I will try my best to find bridesmaid dresses that don't cost too much, and they reply, you better!! I just know they are going to hassle me about every aspect of that. Also, they agreed to getting their hair and makeup professionally done, prior to me signing the contract, and every now and then, they start complaining about it. I asked them all first and gave them the choice. All they constantly say, is I am not spending a bunch of money! I am not expecting them too. I completely understand. Although, these friends think they can walk all over me and its hurtful. I honestly have been thinking, maybe they shouldn't be bridesmaid after all. I am concerned that they really don't care about the whole thing. I just don't know how to approach this.. help?

1. Ask them each, privately, what their budget is, and then pick a dress at or below that number.

2. Anything beyond the dress that you require -- hair, make-up, jewellery, etc. -- must be paid for by you, and cannot be counted as their WP gift.

3. If you ask them to step down, it's a friendship-ending move, so are you prepare to end the friendships over this?

4. You should have nothing more than general input on your shower and bachelorette party (and by 'general input' I mean 'date and guest list'.)

tew14

Thanks @HisGirlFriday13 . I am aware of the general etiquette of what I should pay for, but I just feel when it comes to that kind of stuff, they are not appreciative. Also, this is on my mind, because they were completely disrespecting my sister last night about her personal life and it was completely rude of them. The way they act sometimes, really does make me second guess my relationships with them.

delujm0

is this real?  This sounds like a troll question.

 

In the event that this is a legitimate question somehow, here are your issues:

- No one owes you a bachelorette party or shower.  if someone offers to plan one of those things for you, you may accept their offer.  The person that plans these events does not need to be in the wedding party.  if no one offers to throw one for you, you don't have one.

- If your friends constantly bring you down, why are you friends with them?  And why did you ask them to be in your wedding party?

- You need to ask each BM, individually and privately, for her dress budget.  Then you take the lowest dress budget and that's the MOST the dresses you pick should cost.  Unless you want to pay for them yourself.

- Did you tell them how much the professional hair and makeup would cost before they decided to have it done?  If not, this is on you.  If you require professional hair and makeup, pay for it yourself.  If you gave them the option, and included the cost when they made their decisions, that is on them.

- Just because i have a feeling this is coming, if you require specific accessories, including jewelry and shoes, you need to also pay for that yourself.  Or you can tell them "any silver jewelry and black shoes you want" and they will do whatever they want, likely with items they already own.

- No one will care as much about your wedding as you do.  So stop expecting that of people.  The job of a BM is to simply show up sober on the day of your wedding, in the dress of your choosing (provided it was within the budget they gave you), and smile for pictures.  They aren't required to do anything else.

- if you kick someone out of the wedding party, you can assume that your friendship with that person is over.

Jen4948

Unless you want to lose friendships with your bridesmaids by kicking them out of your wedding party, you're going to need to do some compromising:

First, you need to leave control of bridal showers or bachelorette parties, if any, in the hands of your bridesmaids.  They're not required to do this at all.  Your input should be limited to selecting the venue, date, time, and guest list (which has to be a subset of your wedding guest list), and only a general approval of what is done or not done.

Second, you aren't going to please all of them all of the time, so stop trying.  None of them are ever going to be as excited about your wedding as you are.  And make sure that your relationships with them are reciprocal: Don't limit your interactions with them to matters related to your wedding.  Be excited or sympathetic with them as their situations require.  Have some non-wedding related interactions with them and make them feel cared about.

Third, make sure that your choices for dresses, etc. all fall within the budget of the one with the lowest amount of money to spend, and be prepared to pay for anything beyond the dresses that you ask of your bridesmaids.  If you expect them to get their hair and makeup professionally done, that's an expense you have to pay for, not them.

Fourth, if you're doing all that and they continue to give you a hard time, I'd tell them, "Look, I have taken everything you've told me into consideration and you're still complaining.  I've reached my limit on complaints and threats, and I need you to stop it."  Then look for new friends after the wedding.

climbingsingle

The solutions here are simple. Give them a color and let them pick their own dresses. Since you've asked them to get their hair and makeup done, you pay for it. 

Don't kick any of them out of your wedding. That's rude. 

HisGirlFriday13

tew14 said:

Thanks @HisGirlFriday13 . I am aware of the general etiquette of what I should pay for, but I just feel when it comes to that kind of stuff, they are not appreciative. Also, this is on my mind, because they were completely disrespecting my sister last night about her personal life and it was completely rude of them. The way they act sometimes, really does make me second guess my relationships with them.

Then this is a wholly separate issue, and one that you should address independent of your wedding. If they're disrespectful to you or your family, and you're second-guessing your relationships with them, then evaluate the relationships honestly and ask yourself, 'Do I want to be friends with this person? Is this person a positive or negative influence in my life?'

If the answers are 'no,' then ask them to step down, and end the friendships. Because life is way too short to put up with crappy frenemies. 

OliveOilsMom

HisGirlFriday13 said:

tew14 said:

Thanks @HisGirlFriday13 . I am aware of the general etiquette of what I should pay for, but I just feel when it comes to that kind of stuff, they are not appreciative. Also, this is on my mind, because they were completely disrespecting my sister last night about her personal life and it was completely rude of them. The way they act sometimes, really does make me second guess my relationships with them.

Then this is a wholly separate issue, and one that you should address independent of your wedding. If they're disrespectful to you or your family, and you're second-guessing your relationships with them, then evaluate the relationships honestly and ask yourself, 'Do I want to be friends with this person? Is this person a positive or negative influence in my life?'

If the answers are 'no,' then ask them to step down, and end the friendships. Because life is way too short to put up with crappy frenemies. 

I will only change one this HisGirl said, otherwise, she is spot on. But if you decide you don't want to be friends with these people anymore, just end the friendship. Keep your wedding out of it because it will only make you look like a crazy bridezilla to anyone on the outside looking in. But if you end the friendship, being apart of the wedding naturally fizzles away.