B-listing, how to argue against it

SP29

We technically B-listed a couple people, for DH's mom. I wasn't happy about it (mostly the situation that led to it), and in general I am against B-listing.

We asked each of our parents (both sets separated/divorced) who they would like to see invited, but that didn't necessarily mean we would invite them. Dad, mom, and FIL gave us small lists but MIL gave us a longer one that included a few of her friends that DH knows (though doesn't regularly see) and I had never met. Then DH's grandmother requested that we invite a bunch of DH's family members. I was against this because DH hasn't seen many of these family members since his grandfather's funeral when he was 15! But DH's grandmother was actively dying and wanted to have her family around, so DH strongly suggested we agree and invite them. All but 2 of the family members RSVP'd no (and some couldn't even bother to send back the RSVP, we had to get MIL to hunt them down... and one of the 2 didn't even show the day of!). 

So anyway- MIL and FIL do NOT talk and MIL is VERY conservative so DH felt she would be spending the evening alone and suggested we invite a couple of her friends. I agreed, and we sent the invitations out 6 weeks prior anyway (we live out of town and our parents told us to bring the family invites early when we were visiting home). All MIL's friends that we invited came and had a great time- they are the people we should have invited in the first place! They say blood is thicker than water, but I don't know.... 

We also had many of our own friends decline and we didn't then go invite a bunch of other friends, family, or co-workers because of this. The B-list was very specific to MIL. 

Thus I promote not B-listing, because I agree that is sucks to be told you're second string. People understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone, particularly if it's a small wedding. But when you say to someone, "Oh guess what? You can come to my wedding now!" it is clear that person is not important enough to be included in the budget and must-have guest list.

I have a friend of mine who later admitted to B-listing, and tried to convince another friend who is soon getting married to do the same. 4 of us were there, and you could tell as soon as she said it we all got a look on our face and one friend asked, "well were any of US the B-list?" To which married friend answered "Of course not!" It was for space and budget reasons and "needing" to invite family first. But as you can see, people will assume the worst and wonder. I tried to subtly suggest to engaged friend NOT to do this without hurting married friend's feelings- because in all other respects she is the kindest person ever, but a little voice inside screamed "NOOOOOOOOOO!" when she said it. 

JCbride2015

Gerbertmcway said: I can't seem to understand why it's "publicly ranking your friends" when you b-list them but not when you don't invite them. If one friend is invited and another isn't, obviously you like/are closer with the invited one than the other. In my case, I'm only considering b-listing some coworkers. I'm already inviting all family and friends that I care about having there. Two coworkers who are also in the friends category are also invited. I like the rest of my coworkers, we hang out outside of work a little - mostly after work happy hours. I like them all a lot and I do think it would be fun to have them there but inviting all of them adds about 12 people to the list (including SOs). It's not about a guest minimum, it's not to fill a seat, it's that if I get declines I will have the money and space for them. Also, they absolutely would enjoy free food and drinks and hopefully a good time at my wedding, even though I'm well aware that it's not some sort of honor to attend.
---------Oh box, why did you disappear?---------

Here's another way to think about it.  When your 2 friend coworkers get invitations, the other coworkers will realize they aren't invited.  No problem; it's probably not a shock and they will get over it.  But then a few weeks later when you invite them, you will be putting it right in their face they weren't invited the first time.  Then you're saying, "Well, we aren't that close, but now that we have room, I guess we are close enough you can come."

insertusernamehere

wrigleyville said:

ddkappy said:

We originally had a smaller banquet room and could not invite everyone we wanted to. We sucked it up, got the bigger room and have to guarantee 300. We budgeted for 300, we are just worried if we go under 300, but our initial guest list is in the mid-400s so I'm thinking we are good (lots of obligatory family who live out of the country).

What are you going to do if you get 325 "yes" responses? 

From what I understand/how venues I've looked at work, the room will hold more than she invited, but they must have at least 300 guests paid for. So if only 275 show up, 300 must still be paid for. It's another way of saying a food minimum.

HisGirlFriday13

JCbride2015 said:

Gerbertmcway said:

I can't seem to understand why it's "publicly ranking your friends" when you b-list them but not when you don't invite them. If one friend is invited and another isn't, obviously you like/are closer with the invited one than the other. In my case, I'm only considering b-listing some coworkers. I'm already inviting all family and friends that I care about having there. Two coworkers who are also in the friends category are also invited. I like the rest of my coworkers, we hang out outside of work a little - mostly after work happy hours. I like them all a lot and I do think it would be fun to have them there but inviting all of them adds about 12 people to the list (including SOs). It's not about a guest minimum, it's not to fill a seat, it's that if I get declines I will have the money and space for them. Also, they absolutely would enjoy free food and drinks and hopefully a good time at my wedding, even though I'm well aware that it's not some sort of honor to attend.

---------Oh box, why did you disappear?---------

Here's another way to think about it.  When your 2 friend coworkers get invitations, the other coworkers will realize they aren't invited.  No problem; it's probably not a shock and they will get over it.  But then a few weeks later when you invite them, you will be putting it right in their face they weren't invited the first time.  Then you're saying, "Well, we aren't that close, but now that we have room, I guess we are close enough you can come."

This. Essentially you're saying, 'You weren't important enough to make the guest list that dictated size of venue and type of reception, so you're not that important, but you're important enough that I'll invite you so my venue looks fuller and you'll get me a gift maybe.'

I wouldn't be offended not to be invited to a wedding. But I'd be furious to be B-listed.

And I'd want to get them Beyonce the Metal Chicken as a wedding present, but probably DH wouldn't let me.

JellyBean52513

JCbride2015 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

The foundation of etiquette is your guests' comfort, and publicly ranking your friends, or letting them know they're 'not quite godgood enough' is humiliating and rude. No one is offended by not being invited. People are offended by being told they're second-class friends.

This.  It's like my 1L Legal Practice professor who told the class, "The curve only let me give 4 A's.  But two of you just missed the cut for an A, you were almost there."  Seriously dude, you're making it worse.  Nobody was upset they missed the A until you rubbed it in.

And I think B-listing implies a certain arrogance that once your friends haven't made the cut, they are falling all over themselves to attend your wedding once a spot opens up.  If I'm not invited to your wedding, I'll determine that either we aren't that close, and/or you're having a small wedding, and move on with my life.  But getting a B-list invitation just makes it feel like you (general you), the marrying couple, assume your family and friends are okay with getting jerked around just for an opportunity to attend your special day.

*FTFY but it's hilarious.  Sorry, Friend B, you're great at throwing lightning bolts, but Friend A is really omnipotent.  So you get a B-list invite.  Try harder on your God skills next time!

SITB

I have nothing to contribute other than to say fuck the 1L curve. 

NYCBruin

Gerbertmcway said:

I can't seem to understand why it's "publicly ranking your friends" when you b-list them but not when you don't invite them. If one friend is invited and another isn't, obviously you like/are closer with the invited one than the other. In my case, I'm only considering b-listing some coworkers. I'm already inviting all family and friends that I care about having there. Two coworkers who are also in the friends category are also invited. I like the rest of my coworkers, we hang out outside of work a little - mostly after work happy hours. I like them all a lot and I do think it would be fun to have them there but inviting all of them adds about 12 people to the list (including SOs). It's not about a guest minimum, it's not to fill a seat, it's that if I get declines I will have the money and space for them. Also, they absolutely would enjoy free food and drinks and hopefully a good time at my wedding, even though I'm well aware that it's not some sort of honor to attend.

People understand guests lists are hard.  Most people understand if they don't make the cut.  But when you start B-listing (or god forbid, C-listing) you really have started ranking friends.  The fact that it's called B-listing should clue you into the fact that you're "grading" your nearest and dearest.  There are all sorts of politics that go into wedding guest lists that people get, so no one assumes you don't care about someone if they don't get an invitation.  Unless you've informed them of their relative importance to you by B-listing.

It's also offensive to your A-listers to B-list.  You've basically told them "hey we want you here, but we actually care more about having a warm body in a chair than about you attending in particular."  B-listing tells your first round invitees are replaceable, which is rude.  

And it's hurtful to your friends who don't make the cut at all.  Look, I'm cool with not getting an invitation, but it starts to get mean when I didn't make the second (or third or whatever) round.