Wedding Etiquette Forum

Gifts? Shower, bachelorette, wedding.

Hello, I'm looking for etiquette advice on gifts. I'm MOH in my best friends' wedding - and I have to admit that she's driven a good sized hole into my bank account. I realize that shouldn't matter, but let's be honest, it does. I bought a gift from the registry for her shower. I paid for the limo and hotel rooms for the bridal party for the bachelorette. Now, for weddings in the past I have usually given a shower gift and a $100 check at the wedding. I usually think that's a pretty even-to-plus side ratio. For this particular wedding, I already know that $100 is not even close to covering the meal, let alone falling in on the plus side. What is the most appropriate thing to do?

Re: Gifts? Shower, bachelorette, wedding.

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Do not feel pressured to give any more than you can afford.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I agree, ladies, thank you. I'm just hoping that everyone feels that way. I'm not as confident about that. 
  • I agree, ladies, thank you. I'm just hoping that everyone feels that way. I'm not as confident about that. 
    Anyone who DOESN'T feel that way and is rude enough to mention it isn't worth your time to be bothered over.

    And if it's the BRIDE who is so rude, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate your friendship.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    thisismynickname2Blue_BirdPennyBlossom2311
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    If the bride has a problem with any gifts she receives, that it on her. Give what you can and feel good about yourself knowing that you gave something!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Megalega14
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    A gift is just that. It's a gift. There is no required amount. It certainly is not based on what the couple is spending on your meal. At our wedding, we received a range from either no gift to $50 per couple to $5,000 per couple. Which is clearly a wide range. And I trust that people gave what they were comfortable giving. Anything was appreciated. And I didn't give two shits that some people didn't give anything at all. 
  • Honestly....my bridal party did so much for me leading up to the wedding and the wedding day I didnt even expect gifts from them. A few still gave gifts (which I was of course grateful for) but I had told the girls up front to not feel obligated to.

    I'm sure the bride will just be happy to have you there for her on her big day! Dont give more than you can afford!
    lizzypoo96
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    Honestly....my bridal party did so much for me leading up to the wedding and the wedding day I didnt even expect gifts from them. A few still gave gifts (which I was of course grateful for) but I had told the girls up front to not feel obligated to.

    I'm sure the bride will just be happy to have you there for her on her big day! Dont give more than you can afford!
    I agree. My bridesmaids have done so much, bachelorette party weekend, bridal shower, gifts for the bridal shower, BEING a BRIDESMAID, that I don't care if they give me gifts for the wedding.

    Anyone that would be angry that one of their best friends couldn't get them a gift, is a horrible person, IMHO.

    Also, do not even worry if your gift "covers your plate' or not. If someone is having a 500 dollar per plate wedding, would you be required to give a gift of that amount, no.

    Also, why should someone having a BBQ wedding reception get a lesser gift then someone having their wedding reception at a fancy schmancy hotel.  Gift what you can.

    ETA: I don't care if anyone gives me gifts. Obviously, FI and I appreciate everything anyone wants to give us, but we aren't getting married to get gifts.
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    iloveotters2014
  • May14TXbrideMay14TXbride member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    In my circle, most people who give gifts at the shower, do not give an additional gift at the wedding, because technically, a shower gift IS a wedding gift.  I think it is crazy to expect people to spend so much money on their wedding.
    thisismynickname2CSunshine76
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In my circle, most people who give gifts at the shower, do not give an additional gift at the wedding, because technically, a shower gift IS a wedding gift.  I think it is crazy to expect people to spend so much money on their wedding.
    In all of my circles, people give gifts to both the shower and the wedding. My closest girl friends all give gifts at the bachelorette party, as well, although my family does not. Of course, I would never expect a gift ever, but it is customary for us.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    There was never a time when you had to "cover your plate."  If you go to the wedding, yes, you should give a wedding gift, and if you go to the shower on top of that, you should also give a shower gift (separate from the wedding gift).

    In my experience gifts aren't typically expected or given at bachelorette parties.

    But whatever you do, you are not required to break your budget.  Give what you can afford, and the bride should be grateful.  Any suggestions that whatever you give is inadequate would be rude.
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lc07 said:
    In my circle, most people who give gifts at the shower, do not give an additional gift at the wedding, because technically, a shower gift IS a wedding gift.  I think it is crazy to expect people to spend so much money on their wedding.
    In all of my circles, people give gifts to both the shower and the wedding. My closest girl friends all give gifts at the bachelorette party, as well, although my family does not. Of course, I would never expect a gift ever, but it is customary for us.

    SITB
    I think the gift-per-event thing comes from not wanting to show up empty-handed. However, like Stef says, a shower gift IS a wedding gift. 
    For me, if so-and-so is getting married, let's say I can afford $100. If I get invited to the shower, I show up with a $25 item from the registry and head to the wedding with $75 in the card.  If I wasn't invited to the shower, I show up with a $100 in the card. 
    The number of events I go to doesn't change my allotted budget for a gift to celebrate a single legal/religious action. 

    The bachelorette I consider a separate budget, since I would be hanging out with my girlfriends having a grand ole time anyway. 

    So, anyway OP, don't worry a lick about the "wedding gift" because IMHO, you have already done more than enough to celebrate your friend's marriage. 
    ________________________________


  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    In my circle, most people who give gifts at the shower, do not give an additional gift at the wedding, because technically, a shower gift IS a wedding gift.  I think it is crazy to expect people to spend so much money on their wedding.

    This is how it is in my circle as well. I was so confused when I came to TK and people talked about shower gifts and wedding gifts as separate things.
    May14TXbride
  • Jen4948 said:
    There was never a time when you had to "cover your plate."  If you go to the wedding, yes, you should give a wedding gift, and if you go to the shower on top of that, you should also give a shower gift (separate from the wedding gift).

    In my experience gifts aren't typically expected or given at bachelorette parties.

    But whatever you do, you are not required to break your budget.  Give what you can afford, and the bride should be grateful.  Any suggestions that whatever you give is inadequate would be rude.
    It depends. Most of the bachelorette parties have had lingerie showers with them. So I have given a small gift at most bachelorette parties. But that's usually known up front.
    Anniversary
  • Thanks ladies, this is very helpful. 

    A lot of girls have come to me saying that they ARE giving gifts at the bachelorette party. I know as MOH I should set an example, but I have to set some limits. The bachelorette party IS the gift from me, so I'm not exactly wrapping something and presenting it, but the effort is definitely there. 

    Sometimes things are better in theory than in practice. In theory, I know that I'm not there to fund their wedding. In practice, it still feels bad knowing that I'm not even close to covering myself on that level. 

    I'm going to give what I can, hopefully it's taken as it is meant, as a gift for their future together. 
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