Wedding Party

Maid of honor not interested & not wanting to help me

I'm getting married in 4 months and I picked my maid of honor almost a year ago. She's gone dress shopping with me and bridesmaid dress shopping with me. She absolutely hated shopping for bridesmaids dresses and didn't take my opinion into consideration at all. It's was all about her, but that drama is over now. That's the only participation she's had in the planning process so far.

As we get closer I'm hoping she's going to take a bigger role but it's not looking that way. No bachelorette party planning, no bridal shower planning, no offering to help me with ANY planning, not even asking me in conversation how planning is going. Then she tells me she's planned all these vacations near my wedding date so she's tight on money (making me feel like they are more important). I asked her a year ago to be my maid of honor, is it odd for me to think she would've saved some money over the past year knowing what comes along with the deal? She says may not even be able to do a bachelorette trip (that I'm planning myself). Needless to say I'm really disappointed and sad.  We've been best friends forever and I would just like the feeling that she's actually excited and happy for me. What can I do to possibly get her more into it without being pushy?

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Re: Maid of honor not interested & not wanting to help me

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I'm getting married in 4 months and I picked my maid of honor almost a year ago. She's gone dress shopping with me and bridesmaid dress shopping with me. She absolutely hated shopping for bridesmaids dresses and didn't take my opinion into consideration at all. It's was all about her, but that drama is over now. That's the only participation she's had in the planning process so far.

    As we get closer I'm hoping she's going to take a bigger role but it's not looking that way. No bachelorette party planning, no bridal shower planning, no offering to help me with ANY planning, not even asking me in conversation how planning is going. Then she tells me she's planned all these vacations near my wedding date so she's tight on money (making me feel like they are more important). I asked her a year ago to be my maid of honor, is it odd for me to think she would've saved some money over the past year knowing what comes along with the deal? She says may not even be able to do a bachelorette trip (that I'm planning myself). Needless to say I'm really disappointed and sad.  We've been best friends forever and I would just like the feeling that she's actually excited and happy for me. What can I do to possibly get her more into it without being pushy?

    Not everyone is into wedding planning.  I was into my wedding planning but that is because it was my wedding.  My friends weddings?  Not so much.  I had my life to live.  Your wedding is only one day in her life while for your it consumes your life.  She has every right to plan vacations and spend her money on herself...it is her money and she can do what she wants with it.

    And you are planning your own bach party?  Yeah, that is a no-no.  You should never plan a party in your own honor.  That is incredibly tacky.

    Look I am sure your MOH is excited that you are getting married but that doesn't mean she needs to plan things with you or spend money on you or on parties for you.  No one will be excited about your wedding as you will be.  Your friend has done nothing wrong.

    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Oh Jesus. Not another one. 

    Your MOH is not required to throw you any parties. 
    Your wedding is not the most important day in her life. 
    You should have let her pick out what dress she felt the most comfortable in. 
    You shouldn't be planning your own bach party. 
    You should stop judging how she spends her own money. 

    It sounds like you've already been pushy, so you should probably lay off. 
    CMGragainTeddiD34tcnoble
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
  • i think evberyone is beeing really harsh on you you should br able to count on your moh not feel like you are burdingin her. you should talk to her and see why she is actnig this eay to you
    mmichelleleeShannonMarie211Knottie96676254
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    i think evberyone is beeing really harsh on you you should br able to count on your moh not feel like you are burdingin her. you should talk to her and see why she is actnig this eay to you

    Seriously, just go away troll.
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    Blue_Birdtcnoble
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    i think evberyone is beeing really harsh on you you should br able to count on your moh not feel like you are burdingin her. you should talk to her and see why she is actnig this eay to you
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  • jenna8984jenna8984 clam bakes & patriots member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @pdkh Totally laughed out loud at my work- best GIF!!!

                                                                     

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    Blue_Birdmanateehugger
  • jenna8984jenna8984 clam bakes & patriots member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    Sorry, but you're only 4 months away from your wedding. You should have pretty much learned by now that no one will ever give a crap about your wedding except for you. Didn't mean for that to come out rude it's just the truth. I was in my brother's wedding last year and I didn't care what his centerpieces looked like, I just wanted to show up and have fun. And that's really all the bridesmaids are for. If they throw you extra parties then that's cool but they are forced to.

     I am not having a shower and my MOH lives 4 hours away. She wasn't able to come with me when I picked out my dress, and with her busy schedule she's only coming here for the day of the wedding then leaving again. She's not here to help me plan and that's ok because it's not her job to. Sure it would be fun if she were around more just to hang out but nothing to get mad about.

    Also don't get mad if she's planning trips and is tight on cash. Her life doesn't revolve around you and your wedding....I had a trip to Tokyo planned 3 days after my brother's wedding last year. That severely impacted my budget and what I could contribute to their shower. Doesn't make me a bad friend/sister or a bad bridesmaid. I say just let it all go and continue on with life and friendship as if the wedding is over....because it will be in 4 months and it's not worth potentially ruining a friendship over.

                                                                     

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  • i have every right to be hree. same as you all.

    @PDKH-cleever i bet you feel soooo cool

    @SaraBrideSoon-youur dog is stupid

    @Maggie0829-whhy are you even here if you are alreayd married

    @jenna8984-anoother follower

    @emmaaa-pleease explain why i cant offer advice

    @mmichellelee-stand up for yoursefl girl! dont let the bullies control your thraed!

  • Pepper6Pepper6 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm sorry you are feeling neglected, but I have a feeling this is coming more from what you think she should be doing based on what the wedding industry tells you, than actually feeling like she doesn't care.  To be blunt:

    1.  Your MOH has two obligations:  buy a dress (which should cost what she is comfortable spending, not what you think she can afford/should spend) and show up on your wedding day.

    2.  Helping you plan anything wedding related is not required, nor is throwing you any pre-wedding parties.

    3.  Pre-wedding parties are a gift, that can be thrown by anyone EXCEPT the honoree.  AKA...it's tacky throw your own.  If no one offers, then you just don't have one.

    4.  Her money is her money.  It's not your business to tell her what to spend it on, and it's extremely presumptuous to assume she should spend it on something for you rather than something she wants for herself.  As long as she can meet obligation #1 (again, which should be within a budget she set), then you need to lay off how she spends her money.

    5.  Last but not least...people are capable of being happy for you without being involved in every last detail.  No one will ever be as interested in your wedding as you are.  It doesn't mean they don't care, it just means that your wedding is only one day in their lives, which is something that's easy to forget when it's an event you've been planning for a year.
    cupcait927
  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Don't think that the only thing going on in her life is your wedding, it's not! She doesn't need to spend a buch of money on you to be excited for you. If she buys her dress and shows up she's done enough.
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    aspoonfulofsugar
  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014

    i have every right to be hree. same as you all.

    @PDKH-cleever i bet you feel soooo cool

    @SaraBrideSoon-youur dog is stupid

    @Maggie0829-whhy are you even here if you are alreayd married

    @jenna8984-anoother follower

    @emmaaa-pleease explain why i cant offer advice

    @mmichellelee-stand up for yoursefl girl! dont let the bullies control your thraed!

    image

    ETA:  The burn book is for mindless drivel and lies, hence my offering to you.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited May 2014
    OP, I think you have been influenced by the bridal industry.  Their goal is to persuade you, and others associated with your wedding, to spend as much money as possible.

    Your MOH does not need too do anything except to show up, dressed in the dress.  She should be sober.  She smiles for the camera, and stands next to you, holding your bouquet, while you say your vows.

    That is all she should be expected to do.  After you got picky about her dress, it's no wonder she is less than enthusiastic about your wedding!  Apologize! 
    You are really out of line in planning your own bachelorette party!  Very tacky!  Lots of brides don't get showers or bach parties!  My daughter didn't.  She didn't mind, either.
    You need to adjust your ideas of what you are expecting from other people.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    phiracountrygirl061513Liatris2010
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    edited May 2014

    i have every right to be hree. same as you all.

    @PDKH-cleever i bet you feel soooo cool

    @SaraBrideSoon-youur dog is stupid

    @Maggie0829-whhy are you even here if you are alreayd married

    @jenna8984-anoother follower

    @emmaaa-pleease explain why i cant offer advice

    @mmichellelee-stand up for yoursefl girl! dont let the bullies control your thraed!

    You can offer you advice but don't expect it to be taken well because what you are saying goes completely against all ettiquette and what most posters here stand by. 

    It's really sad you have to call someone's dog out. I've see pictures, @SaraBrideSoon has an adorable dog.

    Also, it is not bullying when people offer the poster advice; even if it isn't what they want to hear.

    sarawifenow
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @emmaaa-Thanks! I think she is pretty adorable, myself!
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    emmaaa
  • I agree (obviously 100%) that she has no obligation to do anything for your wedding other than show up and stand by your side.

    However, I can also see that it might feel frustrating that something so important to you is apparently not important to  your closest friend.

    What I would suggest is to leave the wedding/party-planning out of it for now, and work on maintaining and repairing this relationship, which is more important than this one day. Invite her over for drinks or go out for dinner and just talk about her life and your life, and not have everything revolve around wedding planning. She may need you to be just "her friend" for a while, and not "the bride". Then she will be more excited about spending time with you, including before and at the wedding.

    One example is that she is discussing her lack of finances with you. When a friend would normally do this, you might be more compassionate, or at least commiserating. (Even if her  lack of finances is because she is paying for/buying lots of things that we might consider 'luxuries'...lots of people do that and expect our friends to be kind about it.) But you are seeing it as being in competition with your wedding; i.e., you are seeing it in relation only to you, and not to her.

    TL;DR: Focus on being HER friend for a while.
    manillabarcoleford0cupcait927
  • I have a friend who always talks about being broke, but then mentions her gel manicures and cleaning lady and I roll my eyes.  But she's allowed to spend her money on what she wants.  And if that's a new pair of designer sunglasses, that's her prerogative, even if it means she won't join us for drinks on Friday night.
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    i have every right to be hree. same as you all.

    @PDKH-cleever i bet you feel soooo cool

    @SaraBrideSoon-youur dog is stupid

    @Maggie0829-whhy are you even here if you are alreayd married

    @jenna8984-anoother follower

    @emmaaa-pleease explain why i cant offer advice

    @mmichellelee-stand up for yoursefl girl! dont let the bullies control your thraed!

    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    1. Pack and move cross country.
    2. Find a new job in new town.
    3. Train person to replace from old job.
    4. Raise 4-year old twins.
    5. Clean house/cook/laundry.
    6. Fix boo boos, plan 4-year olds birthday party/play dates with other 4-year olds.
    7. Work at full time job until move.
    8. Prepare house to put on the market
    9. Put house on the market.
    10. Any of the hundreds of other things stay at home moms need to do.
    This is just ten things, off the top of my head that my BMs have to do that are infinitely more important to them and their lives than to help me plan my wedding.  WHY? Because I need to plan my own wedding. And they need to continue to look for a new job and raise their 4-year old twins, because their lives are their lives and my wedding is my wedding.
    [Deleted User]countrygirl061513OliveOilsMomlc07
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