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Am I being unreasonable? Rant/relationship advice appreciated

I am very upset at BF right now. His car is in limbo waiting at a dealership to be repaired, but the insurance company is dragging their feet to pay for it, as I have mentioned many times. So, we only have my car (which is also in the shop, but will be done Friday; we have a rental right now). We work at the same company, but on different teams, so we carpool since we only have 1 vehicle. He is difficult to wake up in the morning, and normally makes us late. However, he can get up early if he has an early meeting, but won't if I tell him that I have an early meeting. It has never been much of a problem, because normally I am just sitting in on meetings and listen. I make sure that he is on time for his meetings if he has an early one.

Last night, I told him I had an important meeting that I needed to be in at 9 am. I knew I would be asked to present, and told him this, and said that we can't be late. He agreed. He would not wake up no matter how many times his alarm went off, and finally was ready to leave at 8:50 am. We live 40 minutes from work. Needless to say I was angry and yelled at him for it, but thought that since I didn't present close to 10 am last time anyways, that if I got there by 9:30, all would be alright. I was wrong today. I was frantically sending emails the whole ride while he drove telling coworkers that I would be in at 9:30 am due to car trouble (little white lie, but if BF had his car it would have been a non issue). 

We finally get in, and the meeting has ended. I get yelled at by a coworker for not being there, even though I told another one that I would be in at 9:30 and expected him to relay the message since he asked me, but apparently didn't. The other coworker also told me that a high level manager is upset that I wasn't there either. I had every intention of presenting after 9:30 once I arrived, and did tell the coworker that I emailed that. I had to shut my office door and cry because I was so upset at the whole situation.

I told BF rather harshly that I am leaving at 8 am next week for this meeting with or without him, because I won't have him compromise my job. And if it's without him, he can take public transit in, which takes 2 hours to go one way, or find another way, since I have done him a favor by letting him use my car and carpool with him every day. I am normally not a very bitchy person, but if you push me over the edge (threatening family or getting in the way of my career), I am your worst nightmare. Is it unreasonable of me to make him find his own way to work if he doesn't wake up in time? Is it still too nice? I guess I just don't know how to handle this apart from threatening and following through on taking my car when I need it with or without him in it. I'm so upset over the whole situation, and I honestly don't know what would make me feel better about it so that I don't murder him tonight. (I won't actually commit murder, but I will probably scream at him like I am about to if I don't calm down this afternoon). I have half a mind to take my car tomorrow and every day next week at a time that will get me in when I need to be, and let him figure everything out on his own for the next week or so to prove my point. WWYD?


Re: Am I being unreasonable? Rant/relationship advice appreciated

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    You are not being unreasonable at all. I would be LIVID! I absolutely hate being late for anything but would be especially upset if BF made me late for something important (like work!).

    BF likes to drag his feet and ALWAYS takes longer to get ready than I do but he never makes me late 1) because I usually say we need to leave earlier than we do (not a lie, I will leave earlier than I need to if he's ready) and 2) he knows I'll be pissed at him and be bitchy if he makes us late.

    I would have started out with saying I'm leaving at x time with or without you. After he has to figure out a way to work without the car I bet his ass starts figuring out how to get up early.

    ETA: I got so mad for you while typing this out!


  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I would have left his ass and gone to work on time if I were in that situation so I guess you're nicer than me. I understand not being a morning person but to consciously make the decision to not get up when your alarm is going off repeatedly is really shitty and immature, especially when someone else is waiting on you. 

    I would definitely not do something on purpose to "get back" at him but I would absolutely let him know what time you are leaving the house and that if he's not ready to go, he can find another way to get there. 



  • Move his alarm clock to the other side of the room so he has to get up to get to turn it off/hit snooze.  I know I had dumped a cup of cold water of FI once for doing something similar to me (he wasn't happy but I had to be at work).

    With my FI, I have had the 'you think your job is more important than mine' many of times when we worked at the same company.

    I'm super annoyed for you!!


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  • I would be PISSED. I am very much NOT a morning person, but if I have to be at work early, or if I was carpooling with FI and he had to be up early, I'll get my ass out of bed. You aren't six, and this isn't elementary school - he needs to be a grown up and get up when he's supposed to. 

    I absolutely would have left his ass right there this morning. You don't want to get up? Good, you can stay in bed AAAALLL day, and then YOU can get in trouble at work, not me. 



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  • That's incredibly selfish of him. I would have left him in bed this morning and told him to find his own way to work if it were me, so you're definitely nicer than I am. You have every right to be upset with him, and I would definitely make a point to tell him that if he's not ready to leave every day by X time, then he needs to find his own way to work. 

    I'm so sorry your day has been so stressful! I really hope it gets better from here.


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  • I would be really really pissed. Honestly I probably would have left to get to my meeting when I needed to.  That is really inconsiderate and selfish of him.  Next time let him know you are leaving at x time with or without him.

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  • lennonkdc said:
    This might be a case where ultimatums are ok. But before you start with your plan, I suggest giving it a day to cool off and then talk to him. First of all, it sounds like you you guys need to be a TEAM, it doesn't sound like you are now. Its not about who lets who use who's car, its about respect for what each of you needs to do to work together as a TEAM. Right now, the TEAM needs to car pool. That means making sure you are both ready to leave on time. If he's making you late, and getting you in trouble its bad for the TEAM. When he can't be up on time for you to get to a meeting, he's letting the TEAM down, not just you. If you get a bad review, passed over for a raise, or even fired, its bad for the TEAM. If you want to be together for the long run you have to be on the same page and it sounds like your BF just isn't there yet.
    This exactly.
  • WTF!  Uh no his ass would have been left at home figuring out how to get to work.  I agree with the PP's that you need to tell him that you are leaving at X time and that if he is not ready to walk out the door with you then you are leaving...and then LEAVE.  If we were in that situation in my house, whomever was out of a car would be going in to work at whatever time the other needed to be there by. Period. 


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  • Ugh all I can add is that I'm mad for you. PPs are right. There's larger issues here than just getting yelled at at work.

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  • I am too nice of a person sometimes, which is why I tend to go BSC-scary when I get really mad. I felt bad for yelling at him, but I am glad to know that I had every right to be livid. I know he felt bad about it, but I am still very angry.

    He does have a lot of trouble waking up, and he knows it's a character flaw of his. Hopefully finding his own transportation into work will help with that.

    @Dignity100, I love your idea of pouring water on him too. And I actually have the more important job right now, as literally everyone up to the senior VP's are interested in the work that I am responsible for on at least a weekly basis. There were a few weeks when the project first ramped up that they wanted daily updates. So this incident actually could have gotten me fired. Fortunately I had an awesome review recently and I think most of them know that I do work hard, so I think all that will happen is a warning as long as it doesn't happen again. And I fully intend to not let it.


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    lennonkdc said:
    This might be a case where ultimatums are ok. But before you start with your plan, I suggest giving it a day to cool off and then talk to him. First of all, it sounds like you you guys need to be a TEAM, it doesn't sound like you are now. Its not about who lets who use who's car, its about respect for what each of you needs to do to work together as a TEAM. Right now, the TEAM needs to car pool. That means making sure you are both ready to leave on time. If he's making you late, and getting you in trouble its bad for the TEAM. When he can't be up on time for you to get to a meeting, he's letting the TEAM down, not just you. If you get a bad review, passed over for a raise, or even fired, its bad for the TEAM. If you want to be together for the long run you have to be on the same page and it sounds like your BF just isn't there yet.
    I thought that we would be able to be a team with this situation. But, since actions have consequences, it is still my car, and I can take away that right if he doesn't play fairly. I am basically likening it to if you won't be a team player, you are the one who should be penalized. I do worry if it's a maturity issue or just that he does have some sort of undiagnosed sleep disorder that prevents him from waking up (sleep disorders do run in his family). I can't thank you all enough for showing me that I am 100% right to feel hurt and angry at him over this.

  • @Dignity100 I needed a good laugh!

  • I am mad on your behalf! I'd be done carpooling with him for a good long time or until I actually truly calmed down. Whichever came second.
  • 500days500days member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm so sorry @aurorarose41 That is SO irritating. And honestly, getting to work for 9am is NOT EARLY. I agree with other PP that it's so important to work as a team when it comes to obstacles, like only having one car. My FI used to have a lot of trouble getting out of bed. There was a time when my FI was dropping and picking me up from work due to no parking or public transportation at my job. Several mornings he woke up late, and instead of getting ready like he normally would he wouldn't shower or do his hair...just clothes on and teeth brushed...and we would be out the door in 5 minutes. I drove the car, he woke up on the ride there, and we switched once we got to my job.

     That's what your SO should consider doing if he really struggles with getting up. There are always sacrifices to be made when life gets tough. I feel for you and I hope it gets better.
  • BreMRBreMR member
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    I don't have anything new to add, but I will just back you up in the way you were feeling.  My blood pressure went up just reading your post.

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  • BreMRBreMR member
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    I always appreciate someone who can legitimately own up to a wrong doing. Good for him and I'm glad you got to talk to him about it!
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  • He just came to my office to tell me that he has been so upset with himself over this today that he can't focus on work. He never cries, and I could tell he was holding back tears because of how upset he was at himself for doing this to me. I didn't create a scene, as there are offices nearby, but calmly explained how upset I was. I also used @lennonkdc's idea of treating it as a team. I told him to remember that I am doing him a favor by letting him carpool with me, but if he can't respect my time, then as the owner of the car, I will take away that priviliege, as is my right. But, if he can respect my time the same way that I respect his, then I will treat it as "our" car. I also showed him the emails from coworkers, to really drive home the situation he put me in today.

    He apologized profusely and he seemed deep in thought to figure out how to fix this and how to make it up to me.

    Awww I'm glad that he realized how terribly he screwed up. Sounds like he's really a good guy at heart, and I hope he's able to get up on time in the future. I think you handled the situation really well, and he seems to be reacting appropriately.


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  • He normally is very mature, and I think this was a wake up call to the fact that he was being very disrespectful to me. And that even though we are in a committed relationship, we own seperate things. We share them, because we are a "team", but neither of us are obligated to do so if the other is abusing the priviliege.

    I can't thank all of you enough for justifying my reaction, and helping me calm down over it. You guys are great, and I am so thankful to be a part of this community.


  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    I'm so glad he sincerly apologized! That goes a long way in my book and it will be so much easier to figure things out if he realizes there is a problem.


  • Aw yay! It sounds like you got a keeper :)


  • See, that's a good sign.  When a guy can genuinely own, apologize for, and take actionable steps to fix a problem, that's great.  And a rare find, I think.

    Congratulations, you've got a keeper.
  • So glad he came to his senses!!!


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  • Reaction GIF: thumbs up, Jensen Ackles



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