Moms and Maids

Over Bearing Mother!!!

First of all my dad is paying for my wedding, not my mom since she has never worked. Because of this I am trying very hard to stick to the budget he set.

While I was prepared for my mother to go wedding crazy, I wasn't expecting her to be like this. Literally everything I have picked out she says is ugly, dumb or would look cheap. She laughed at my theme of owls (I have always loved them), she hated my colour scheme moss green and chocolate brown (apparently everyone has done it before), she hated the birdcage centerpieces I wanted (she said they were to rustic for a higher class wedding), she hated the flowers I wanted in my bouquet (she said they all were inexpensive so my bouquet would look cheap), she got mad at me that I ordered the invitations instead of letting her pick them out and chose the wording, she then tells me it is not about what I want its about what she wants so she can show off to her friends.

She has no idea how hard it is to earn the money for the wedding since she has never worked and she keeps adding all these things that don't fit into the budget and when I say no she says my dad 'won't care' which I know he will. I have tried talking to her saying its my wedding, I get to do it once and I want it to feel like my fiancé and I. She always responds with guilt laced answers like 'I only want you to have the best' even if the best isn't what I want. Now she says I have a bad attitude about everything and why aren't I excited about the wedding.  

Is it worth her wrath to chose everything behind her back and have the wedding I want, or is it better to just let her do everything since its just a wedding and I get the man I love in the end?

Re: Over Bearing Mother!!!

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't understand why you keep talking to her about your wedding after she has acted like she has. If she isn't paying then she doesn't have a say. Period. The only person you should be discussing your wedding with is your FI and your Father since he is footing the bill.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2014
    emz101 said:

    Is it worth her wrath to chose everything behind her back and have the wedding I want, or is it better to just let her do everything since its just a wedding and I get the man I love in the end?

    To the bolded:  If you give in to your mother on this now, she is going to assume that she can keep treating you this way for the rest of your life.  And since she's not paying, she doesn't get a say. 

    Part of getting married is to accept that you and your FI are adults.  That means getting the adult privileges along with the adult responsibilities.  One of those is to set and maintain appropriate boundaries with your mother.  You've tried talking to her like a reasonable, rational person and it didn't work, so unfortunately you now have to make clear to her that disrespect towards you, your FI, and your plans is not acceptable, and there will be adverse consequences to her for doing it from now on. 

    One of those consequences should be that you won't discuss anything with her regarding your wedding that she doesn't absolutely need to know, and I would also consider leaving her off guest lists for wedding-related side events that she is not throwing.  And if she starts snarking at you about how she "hates" things or they are "ugly, stupid, etc." cut her off: "Mom, I've told you that I won't hear that." Then bean dip as suggested above.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    emz101 said:

    First of all my dad is paying for my wedding, not my mom since she has never worked. Because of this I am trying very hard to stick to the budget he set.

    While I was prepared for my mother to go wedding crazy, I wasn't expecting her to be like this. Literally everything I have picked out she says is ugly, dumb or would look cheap. She laughed at my theme of owls (I have always loved them), she hated my colour scheme moss green and chocolate brown (apparently everyone has done it before), she hated the birdcage centerpieces I wanted (she said they were to rustic for a higher class wedding), she hated the flowers I wanted in my bouquet (she said they all were inexpensive so my bouquet would look cheap), she got mad at me that I ordered the invitations instead of letting her pick them out and chose the wording, she then tells me it is not about what I want its about what she wants so she can show off to her friends.

    She has no idea how hard it is to earn the money for the wedding since she has never worked and she keeps adding all these things that don't fit into the budget and when I say no she says my dad 'won't care' which I know he will. I have tried talking to her saying its my wedding, I get to do it once and I want it to feel like my fiancé and I. She always responds with guilt laced answers like 'I only want you to have the best' even if the best isn't what I want. Now she says I have a bad attitude about everything and why aren't I excited about the wedding.  

    Is it worth her wrath to chose everything behind her back and have the wedding I want, or is it better to just let her do everything since its just a wedding and I get the man I love in the end?


    Your mom must have at least one redeeming quality or one not-to-bad idea. She probably has a tiny iota of wisdom on hosting. See if you can try to find that positive and then go with that.
    MairePoppy
  • emz101emz101 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Update: @Maggie0829 - I don't talk to her about the wedding, she calls and emails me saying she has found this and that and whatever and she is going to buy it, to which I have to inform her that I have made other choices, which is when she voices her opinion.

    @Jen4948 - I never thought of her treating me like a child and now I see that's probably why she does it, we aren't having any other wedding related activities no engagement party, no bacherlorette so that is not an option, but I think I will def cut her off from now on.

    Thanks for listening and the advice ladies!!

  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Wait a minute, are your parents married to each other? If they are, it's their money, not just your father's money, that is being given to you for your wedding. Whether she worked outside the home or not is irrelevant. That was your mom and dads decision. I think your remark was disrespectful of your mom. 

    Since your parents (jointly) are paying for your wedding, your mom is going to expect to be involved with decisions involving their money. I would suggest that you have a heart to heart with her about how she is hurting your feelings. After a cooling off period, where the wedding isn't discussed, put together a Pinterest board for your wedding so she can get an idea of the style you like. Ask her to help with particular ideas - ask her to find woodsy type flower arrangements that will suit your owl theme, for instance. You should let her know that you don't intend to go over the budget that has been discussed, out of respect for your father. 
    I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. If they are married it is joint money and she absolutely has a say in how it is spent.  

    I currently do not work outside of the home.  Besides a couple of retirement accounts I only have about $100 left of the money I earned when I was working.  I am 100% dependent on DH's paycheck to survive.  He still consults me on any major purchases even though he is the one who earned the money.  
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    emz101 said:

    Update: @Maggie0829 - I don't talk to her about the wedding, she calls and emails me saying she has found this and that and whatever and she is going to buy it, to which I have to inform her that I have made other choices, which is when she voices her opinion.

    @Jen4948 - I never thought of her treating me like a child and now I see that's probably why she does it, we aren't having any other wedding related activities no engagement party, no bacherlorette so that is not an option, but I think I will def cut her off from now on.

    Thanks for listening and the advice ladies!!

    We're happy to be of help!  Best wishes!
  • gencasti13gencasti13 member
    First Comment
    edited June 2014
    If you're parents are married then it's both their money. If I were you I would have a talk with both your mom and dad and let both know how you don't appreciate your mom telling you what she doesn't like and what she wants to have. Just be honest and open with them. Your dad agreed to pay for the wedding, he never said that he'll pay IF your mom chooses everything. It's your wedding not hers. My future mother and aunt in law both are helping with my wedding and both say how they didn't plan or chose anything for their wedding except for their dress and it's sad because it's suppose to be a day you happily remember.
  • Its hard to say what is the right thing to do here as it also depends on the relationship between your parents. If they are engaged/married, obviously, you treat them as a unit. It can be tricky in this case as your Mom can have a say in the scheme of things( Dad can always decide to agree with Mom). But, Iam sure he will support you

    If your mom isnt married to your Dad, she really should have no say whatsoever what you do with the budget.When i got married,  my step mom didnt really get involved into the financial side of things(even though she did help a lot with the wedding). My mom and her bf didnt have any interest whatsover with what we had decided

    So, Respect your mom's opinion but do what you want at the end- Its YOUR wedding

     

     

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