Wedding Etiquette Forum

Must I write a thank you note?

So here's my bitching:

FH and I took the first part of our Christmas vacation to drive all the way to a friend's wedding several states away. We helped decorate and set up. I contributed to her bachelorette party and drove a lot of miles for it. I spent a couple hours looking for cute lingerie, and he spent $20-$30 on something they wanted from their registry.

She took two mugs, which I am fairly confident she's regifting, and put them in a box. No card, no wrapping, just two mugs in a box.

And here's my question:

Must I write a thank you?

Re: Must I write a thank you note?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I am confused. What did she give you the mugs for?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Yeah, same question here as Addie.
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  • SayMoiSayMoi member
    First Comment
    Sorry, that's their wedding gift to us. Other additional info, they did RSVP they aren't coming. So it's an early gift.
  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    SayMoi said:
    Sorry, that's their wedding gift to us. Other additional info, they did RSVP they aren't coming. So it's an early gift.
    Then yes, you send a thank you for the gift.  The fact that it is an early gift has no impact on anything, other than when you send the note…..which is now.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    gift= thank you note.

    the size of the gift doesnt matter

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  • Yeah, I get that you're frustrated by this, but if this friendship is important to you then you should write a thank you note. You don't have to go into ecstasies over the mugs, just a simple "thanks for thinking of us, we appreciate the gift".
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    She gave you a gift, you should write a thank you note.
    Two regifted mugs might be all she can afford to give at this time. We don't always know what is going on in people's private lives.
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Then you still need to write one. Sorry--I know how it feels, but be the better person.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Uh. Yes. You most certainly have to write a thank you note. 
    She gave you a gift, you should write a thank you note.
    Two regifted mugs might be all she can afford to give at this time. We don't always know what is going on in people's private lives.
    Seriously. 
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Wow.

    Yes.  Yes you do.
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  • melbensomelbenso Hoth, apparently member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    As a general rule: if you are wondering whether you should write a Thank You note, the answer is always yes.
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    lc07Simky906wandajune6thisismynickname2
  • Did you do those things for your friend because she is your friend or because you wanted a large gift from her for your own wedding?
    [Deleted User]Blue_Bird
  • Well you don't have to, I mean, you're never forced to write thank you's at all. 


    But it's really fucking rude not to despite whatever the gift may be. Especially if you're going to write thank you's for everyone else's "better" gifts.

  • As stated, you must absolutely write a thank you note.  It doesn't matter the size of the gift - each and every gift deserves a thank you note.

    However. You might want to consider your friendship with this person. I'm not saying this because you "deserve" a bigger gift. I'm saying this because you feel that you went above and beyond to do things for her, and she did not return the favor.

    I don't believe things in life are tit for tat. I do however believe there should be some sort of understanding in a friendship that both sides are going to do their best for the other person.  It is most definitely rude of you to believe that her gift is a paltry one. But, did she require you to do the things for her wedding? (Yes, I know, being in a wedding or being invited to a wedding is not a summons, but was it clear that she had expectations for you to do things for her?) You also could have said no or not attended, but was it evident that she still expected you to do all this - and not attending or helping might have ended the friendship then?  

    If this is typical of her behavior - that she has "expectations" and "requirements" and you go out of you way to please her, and she doesn't return the favor ever (not just in wedding planning), then this is not a good match for a friendship.  If she has done tons of other things for you and you are truly just upset about the size of the mugs, then you're being a jerk.

    But, if it is a pattern and this type of thing happens often, then you should not be expected to be a doormat and don't necessarily want this person in your life.
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  • wandajune6wandajune6 Chicago-ish member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I agree that a note is needed.

    As a side thought, I once went through a period where I was painfully broke and invited to a lot of weddings. My situation was no mystery. I ended up giving tiny gifts from registries. When I had more money, most of them got large gifts for small occasions with notes saying that they were finally getting what I wished I could have given at the wedding. Everyone who got these gifts told me how much they appreciated the gesture.

    The only couple who didn't get a follow-up gift never sent a thank you. My sister told me years later that the girl (a mutual friend) total her I was stingy. It explained why my sister stopped talking to her and why she stopped talking to me!
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  • Yes, you should write a thank-you.

    However, as PP mentioned it sounds like you are bitter about the effort you put in vs the effort she put in.  If this is an infrequent or one-time occurrence, let it go.  They just paid for a wedding too, regifted mugs could very well be what they can afford!  On the other hand if you feel like you are constantly putting in more effort (not money, but effort and time) into the friendship than she is, then still write the note, but it may be time for some reflection on continuing to spend time and effort on her beyond that.
  • SayMoi said:
    Sorry, that's their wedding gift to us. Other additional info, they did RSVP they aren't coming. So it's an early gift.
    Yes, you have to send a thank you note. You got a gift. You send a note. Period.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You owe a thank-you note whenever you receive a gift, so yes.
  • SayMoi said:
    So here's my bitching:

    FH and I took the first part of our Christmas vacation to drive all the way to a friend's wedding several states away. We helped decorate and set up. I contributed to her bachelorette party and drove a lot of miles for it. I spent a couple hours looking for cute lingerie, and he spent $20-$30 on something they wanted from their registry.

    She took two mugs, which I am fairly confident she's regifting, and put them in a box. No card, no wrapping, just two mugs in a box.

    And here's my question:

    Must I write a thank you?
     
    So you're pissed off because of choices you made, presumably without a gun pointed at your head?
    wrigleyville
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    zitiqueen said:
    SayMoi said:
    So here's my bitching:

    FH and I took the first part of our Christmas vacation to drive all the way to a friend's wedding several states away. We helped decorate and set up. I contributed to her bachelorette party and drove a lot of miles for it. I spent a couple hours looking for cute lingerie, and he spent $20-$30 on something they wanted from their registry.

    She took two mugs, which I am fairly confident she's regifting, and put them in a box. No card, no wrapping, just two mugs in a box.

    And here's my question:

    Must I write a thank you?
     
    So you're pissed off because of choices you made, presumably without a gun pointed at your head?
    Well if she had a gun pointed to her head, or knife at her throat, I would say she doesn't have to write a thank-you, but if you were just nice and are unhappy with her gift, I think you need to write one. :)

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    SayMoi
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