Wording help in regard to gifts

jnm7222012

Hi everyone... had a quick question. My fiancee and I recently found out we are not going to be able to conceive children without the help of invitro fertilization so I had a thought... do you think it would be ok (with the proper wording) to ask for money towards the cost of "starting our family together" instead of gifts? Thanks for the help!!

NYCMercedes

babyblueyes425 said:

Hi everyone... had a quick question. My fiancee and I recently found out we are not going to be able to conceive children without the help of invitro fertilization so I had a thought... do you think it would be ok (with the proper wording) to ask for money towards the cost of "starting our family together" instead of gifts? Thanks for the help!!

Money IS a gift. If anyone asks you outright what you would like, tell them that you are saving towards your family's future. They'll get the hint. Also, have a really tiny registry. Tell your family your response too, so they can share with anyone who asks them.

Jen4948

Absolutely not.

Never mention gifts in any way, shape or form on an invitation.  That means no "in lieu of gifts" messages either.

theartistformerlyknownas

I'm sorry for your news, but no, that's not appropriate. You can skip a registry, and if anyone asks you what you want as a gift just say "we don't need physical gifts but we're saving for the future."

CMGragain

I am so sorry, but, no.  It is rude to mention anything about gifts in your invitation, cash or otherwise.

AddieCake

Holy cupcakes, NO, this is not ok. At all. 

huskypuppy14

I can't even believe this is a question. I don't know why I'm surprised though.

JoanE2012

babyblueyes425 said:

Hi everyone... had a quick question. My fiancee and I recently found out we are not going to be able to conceive children without the help of invitro fertilization so I had a thought... do you think it would be ok (with the proper wording) to ask for money towards the cost of "starting our family together" instead of gifts? Thanks for the help!!

Are you kidding me?  No, it's not ok to ask for money to start a family.  It's not ok to ask for money for ANY reason either.

theartistformerlyknownas

Member for 6 years and first post is asking for baby-making money? Skeptical Lolo is skeptical.

jnm7222012

Wow, can we say RUDE!!! I have been a member for 6 years cause I signed up to help a friend plan her wedding that many years ago... I am not asking for "baby making money" and I am appalled that you would put it that way. Also, no where in my question did I say it was going to be put in ANY invitation. Thank you for your responses and being such skeptical rude people!

jnm7222012

I did not put it in the original question, however we were not planning on putting anything in any invitations. Just word of mouth from family and bridal party.

Maggie0829

babyblueyes425 said:

Wow, can we say RUDE!!! I have been a member for 6 years cause I signed up to help a friend plan her wedding that many years ago... I am not asking for "baby making money" and I am appalled that you would put it that way. Also, no where in my question did I say it was going to be put in ANY invitation. Thank you for your responses and being such skeptical rude people!

I am sorry but you actually are.  You want to ask people to help fund your IVF so that you can conceive and have a child, so yeah, you are asking for baby making money.

In the end, you cannot ask for money ever.  It is rude to do so.  If your family and friends know of your troubles they are more then willing to freely give you money voluntarily, but to out right ask is rude.  As with everything in life, good or bad, it is up to the individuals in that certain predicament to come up with the funds.  So whether you are needing to pay for a wedding, IVF or a house, you and only you (and your SO of course) are responsible for footing that bill.  Asking others to do it for you is not appropriate.

jnm7222012

Thank you ladies for your responses, as little help as they were... but you made me realize this question never needed to be asked to a bunch of people who live their lives "by the book". The people who will be invited to the wedding have been there for us from day one and all understand what we are going through and unlike what any of you may think have nothing but support and would in no way be offended by our request to save their money on registry gifts we would never use as we already own a house just as I appreciated it when a friend of ours did the same when they requested money for their house in lieu of gifts. So I appreciate you taking your time to answer the question although your answers will not be needed.

KGold80

babyblueyes425 said:

Thank you ladies for your responses, as little help as they were... but you made me realize this question never needed to be asked to a bunch of people who live their lives "by the book". The people who will be invited to the wedding have been there for us from day one and all understand what we are going through and unlike what any of you may think have nothing but support and would in no way be offended by our request to save their money on registry gifts we would never use as we already own a house just as I appreciated it when a friend of ours did the same when they requested money for their house in lieu of gifts. So I appreciate you taking your time to answer the question although your answers will not be needed.

You asked in the OP - "do you think it would be ok (with the proper wording) to ask for money towards the cost of "starting our family together" instead of gifts? Thanks for the help!!"

So, why did you bother asking the question in the first place if you're not going to take any of the advice to heart!? Were you just surprised by the answers you received or what?

Maggie0829

babyblueyes425 said:

Thank you ladies for your responses, as little help as they were... but you made me realize this question never needed to be asked to a bunch of people who live their lives "by the book". The people who will be invited to the wedding have been there for us from day one and all understand what we are going through and unlike what any of you may think have nothing but support and would in no way be offended by our request to save their money on registry gifts we would never use as we already own a house just as I appreciated it when a friend of ours did the same when they requested money for their house in lieu of gifts. So I appreciate you taking your time to answer the question although your answers will not be needed.

If they know what you are going through then they will most likely skip the registry and just give you money to help to build your family.  These people aren't dumb.  They know that going through IVF is expensive.  They do not need to be told what to or what not to gift you.

And you said you appreciated your friend telling you to give them money for their house as opposed to another gift.  I am pretty sure if you are friends with them then you would have most likely known that they were wanting to buy a house and would have realized that money would probably be the best gift to give.

Asking for money is rude.  Period.  It is not living "by the book," just common sense.

jnm7222012

No not surprised at all. But like I said in my last post, the responses made me realize that asking this question to people who do not know me at all was the wrong decision. If I could find a way to delete the original post I would. The answers I received are exactly what you would find in a proper ettiquette book. However, I am not dealing with strangers or hoity toity people, I am dealing with our family and friends who inderstand everything and would not look at this the same way you ladies did. So I got the answer I needed even though it does not match any of the advise I received.

Jen4948

babyblueyes425 said:

No not surprised at all. But like I said in my last post, the responses made me realize that asking this question to people who do not know me at all was the wrong decision. If I could find a way to delete the original post I would. The answers I received are exactly what you would find in a proper ettiquette book. However, I am not dealing with strangers or hoity toity people, I am dealing with our family and friends who inderstand everything and would not look at this the same way you ladies did. So I got the answer I needed even though it does not match any of the advise I received.

Well, given that none of us know you, and that this is an etiquette forum and the answer to your question will be seen and relied on by future users looking for answers to the same question, why would you expect us to answer differently?  We aren't being "hoity-toity," we're telling you that even "family and friends who understand everything" may well look at this exactly the same way as we did.  

Putting any mention whatsoever of gifts in an invitation conveys an "entitled to gifts" attitude which is not gracious and is considered a violation of etiquette, so we're not going to tell you how to do it, and your family and friends may not be so understanding as you would have us think.

AddieCake

I would like to know what makes us hoity toity for thinking you should not ask people for money for fertility procedures.

Maggie0829

babyblueyes425 said:

No not surprised at all. But like I said in my last post, the responses made me realize that asking this question to people who do not know me at all was the wrong decision. If I could find a way to delete the original post I would. The answers I received are exactly what you would find in a proper ettiquette book. However, I am not dealing with strangers or hoity toity people, I am dealing with our family and friends who inderstand everything and would not look at this the same way you ladies did. So I got the answer I needed even though it does not match any of the advise I received.

Guess what?  I had a wedding with close family and friends and even though my H and I could have used all cash for gifts for our new home I didn't ask them for money because it is rude to do so.  My family and friends know us and our situation and guess what they did?  They gave us primarily cash at our wedding.  How about that?  I didn't have to be a rude ass person and request it and they still managed to use that brain inside their heads to give us what we really wanted.

banana468

Plenty of people are also opposed to IVF. As a Catholic, very few people in DH'S or my family would support it.

I'm sorry for such awful news but that doesn't make you a charity.

CMGragain

babyblueyes425 said:

Thank you ladies for your responses, as little help as they were... but you made me realize this question never needed to be asked to a bunch of people who live their lives "by the book". The people who will be invited to the wedding have been there for us from day one and all understand what we are going through and unlike what any of you may think have nothing but support and would in no way be offended by our request to save their money on registry gifts we would never use as we already own a house just as I appreciated it when a friend of ours did the same when they requested money for their house in lieu your situation. of gifts. So I appreciate you taking your time to answer the question although your answers will not be needed.

It is you who are offensive.  You assume that we do not understand your situation, when there are many ladies on this board who are not able to have biological children of their own.  How dare you think that you are a special snowflake when it comes to conceiving children? 
Yes, we do live our lives by the book.  The book tells us that asking for money as a wedding gift, for whatever purpose, is rude.  I am sorry that you are unable to comprehend this idea.

VulgarGirl

If you just want people to agree with you, ask the committee in your head. Not strangers on the internet.

I love a lot of my friends, and if they want kids I hope they're able to get them through whatever avenue they choose. I still wouldn't want to fund their IVF costs, adoption costs, or any other costs. And would be pretty upset to be asked, even with the nicest cutest wording in the whole wide world.

wandajune6

Why would you ask the question if you didn't want to hear the answers? You asked if it was ok to seek funds for your IVF. The group answered.

It seems to me that you were asking for permission and are now crying over the fact that it wasn't given.

LondonLisa

Why does knowing someone make the action of asking for money OK? Is it because you hope that people will explain away your rudeness by the off chance they understand your intentions were "not rude". Sorry, but asking for money IS rude.

You got some good advice on here: don't register (or create a very small registry) and ONLY when asked say that you "have a small registry for X and are also saving up for your family's future." And then leave it. 

I'm sorry you have this news, but it is inappropriate to ask others to directly pay for it.

MyNameIsNot

Since when does caring enough about your friends and family to have some basic manners have to make you hoity toity?  Do you burp loudly in your friends faces, too?

Even white trash would think this is rude.