Chit Chat

Gossip about me

edited May 2014 in Chit Chat
   I am really upset because I overheard someone gossiping about me.  This is a family member (I am quite fond of her), who disagrees with me and said I should make amends with my father, and have him walk me down the aisle.  My father has been posting things all over facebook making me seem like a terrible person, but I do not look at his feed, and I just ignore it.  I have been the grownup, keeping my personal business off of facebook.  My grandpa called me and told me that my cousin told him that maybe I should have my father walk me down the aisle.  She said that I will only get one wedding, and I should be more forgiving and go with tradition, because it will forever damage my relationship with my father.  Why are people talking about me, not knowing the other side of the story? I am a level headed person, AND a pushover. If I came into the decision to have my grandfather walk me down the aisle and NOT my father, it must have taken me a long time to come to that conclusion. I did not enter this lightly.  It took me 6 months to tell my dad that I did not want him to walk me down the aisle.

 I decided to put this on facebook, just so people aren't telling me that my father should have walked me down the aisle on my wedding day: 

    "It is one thing to be a forgiving person, and it is quite another thing to be a doormat. Don't keep giving certain people an opportunity to hurt you when that is all they have done with opportunities past. I'm a forgiving person, but I won't keep giving the same people more opportunities to upset me. I choose to involve wonderful people in my life the opportunity to let them know I appreciate all that they have done for me. I chose not to give one of the biggest moments of my life to someone who goes out of his or her way to hurt me. These people will hurt me, at every opportunity, and will let me down. Sometimes tradition should take a back seat, and people who ride passenger should be the people who have never let you down."

Is this appropriate, or should I remove this comment from facebook?

Re: Gossip about me

  • I never like to post personal things on facebook, but your father sounds like he is being awful and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. My mom's father was out of the picture by age 4 and her step father was an abusive a$$. Her grandfather walked her down the aisle and that was the best choice for her. Stick to your guns and don't let your father manipulate the people around you to get his way. I get that you can't control how he feels, but if he is acting this way he doesn't deserve the a tradition that honors him. Just my 2cents. Also explain to your grandpa what is happening and hopefully he isn't manipulated into stepping down.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • That is another thing I am concerned about. I really think all of these people are pressuring my grandpa to step down. How about the bride gets what she wants. I want my Grandfather, it shouldn't be left to a public poll. As long as my guests are comfortable, my ceremony is about me and my Fiance.  If my grandfather stepped down over this bullshit, I would probably lose it.  I am not mad at people for gossiping, so much, as I am mad at them for knowing me and there is more to this story, I am just too polite to air my relationship to my father.  I think I will take this post down and talk to them in a private message. If they don't agree with me, fine, but they need to stop talking to my grandpa about this because it is making him feel like he is the reason my dad is not walking me down the aisle.  My dad is the reason he is not walking me down the aisle. 
  • FiancBFiancB member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    First of all, I'm really sorry this is happening. Family can be so frustrating. A lot of people run into the same issue. I kind of have the opposite- I would like my dad to walk with me, but he is refusing.

     I would keep it off facebook. While you have every right to feel as you do, there is just no need to broadcast it on facebook. It always comes across as immature and petty, no matter the issue. Like someone else said, we all talk crap about other people from time to time and family is the very best at it. I don't think your relative really meant anything by it. It's just another dumb wedding comment, which we all get a lot of. While your cousin wasn't in the right to say that, your grandpa is stirring up unnecessary drama by telling you she said that. 

     So overall, I'd brush it off and try to ignore it. If you do get an opportunity to talk to your cousin about it, I would use phira's little pep talk. But I wouldn't recommend airing grievances over facebook, even though you didn't name names. It makes it into a bigger deal than it is.
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  • FiancBFiancB member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Fuckin' paragraphs, man.
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  • phira said:
    A few thoughts.

    1) First and foremost, at the very least, you've got my unconditional support about your decisions about your relationship with your father. I don't buy into the, "It's your ONLY wedding, you will regret it!" bullshit. Actions have consequences. You shouldn't have to go along with a tradition that makes you uncomfortable, just to satisfy someone who treats you badly. No thanks.

    2) As someone who gossips, I think it's worth forgiving and forgetting the gossip. We all say things behind each other's backs that we would never ever ever say to each other's faces. It hurts to find out what people are saying about you, and I do think that less gossip is better, and that it's worth keeping in mind how you say things (in case it gets back to the person). But sometimes we say things that are much harsher than we actually mean. Or sometimes we might say, "I really think she should just let her father walk her down the aisle," when we'd NEVER say, "I think you should just let your father walk you down the aisle."

    3) I honestly might take the comment down. I roll my eyes when people post stuff like that on Facebook (even when my best friend does it). If you're upset at a particular person, I think it's worth saying to her, "I understand that you have an opinion about the situation, but I've made it really clear why I'm not engaging in this tradition. I really need your support, even if you wouldn't make the same decision."
    This.  I give massive eye rolls when personal comments like the above are posted.  Especially when maybe only a handful of people will "get" the comment and the rest are left wondering "what the hell is she talking about".  Honestly, I'd roll my eyes and wonder why you have to publicize it instead of dealing with it directly at the source.
  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    When you talk to your grandpa to tell him that you really want him to be the one walking you down the aisle, I would also mention that if ends up in a place where he can't walk you down the aisle, your father STILL won't be walking you down the aisle.  You've made a decision on this and I assume you have a reason for that decision.  It might help him to know that rather than him taking your dad's place, he's supporting you and if he steps down, your dad won't automatically pop into that place.

    I would also keep it off of public Facebook.  Even if she sees it, she might not know who that was directed at.  More likely, she would skim over it.  Private message ensures she'll pay more attention to it if you feel you need to confront her.  Even if it is your only wedding, you shouldn't have to conform to traditions that don't fit your life.  The spirit of the tradition is that someone who has cared for you and helped guide you throughout your life is supporting you as you transition from life as a single woman to life as a married woman.  If your father isn't that person for you, it wouldn't make sense for him to walk you down the aisle even though it's usually done by a father.
  • I think that's fine, I would have been a lot more blunt so kudos to you for holding your tongue.
  • I try to keep general things off of FB. I don't post passive things because I don't like seeing them. I would take it down regardless of the situation. 

    But I completely understand that it is your decision who walks you down the aisle. My grandfather is also walking me down he aisle and my father is not even invited to my wedding. 
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  • I have taken down the post.  If people want to talk about it, they can ask me directly, and I will answer them directly. I need to rise above this crap.  I know in my heart, what my father has done to me, and I don't need anyone's approval.  I am such a pushover, it took me a long time to get upset to do something about it. I need to just stand firm.  The only reason people are talking is because they don't know the whole story.  They have good fathers and their husbands are good fathers, so they can't comprehend a daughter not allowing her father to walk her down the aisle.
  • While I agree with your sentiments, I think you should take it off facebook.

    1. You should say that directly to the cousin that's trying to run interference. She needs to know she was out of line to go to your grandfather.  Tell her you love her, but you need her to butt out.

    2.You don't owe anyone an explanation about why you asked your grandfather to walk you. By posting  this, you're opening up the subject for commentary. 

    3. Your father already knows why you didn't ask him. He's playing dirty. He couldn't get to you through facebook, so he dragged your cousin into it. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you react on facebook. 

    4.You should reaffirm to your grandfather that you want him to walk you because he's the one who was there for you for your other milestones. You are honoring your relationship with him and not using him as a stand in for your father.
                       
  • Thank you @Maire Poppy. I took it down. Your thoughts really helped me to sort out what I was feeling and reacting to it in a constructive way, and in some cases, not reacting to it. If my Dad sees he gets to me through facebook or through anyone else, he will feel satisfaction. I should not give it to him.
  • edited June 2014
    I'm sorry you're going through this. Your father sounds like a master manipulator. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that his words have reached your ears. 

    You could probably use a hug, right now.

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