Who pays for drinks at Meet & Greet?

dbacksgirl

Hi ladies, I tried to find the answer to this question by searching old threads but all I could find were comments pertaining to a reception.  Without a doubt, we're covering booze for that.  But my question is about the Meet & Greet the night before.  We are having a DW and are expecting about 70 OOT guests.  On the day of the wedding, we're going to do a cocktail hour with hors d'oeuvres after the ceremony and then a full reception with plated dinner, open bar with premium alcohol, entertainment, etc.  Additionally, because so many people are making the trip to celebrate with us, I'd like to host a dinner the evening before the wedding as an extra "thank you" and where we also have a chance to visit with people as they arrive in town.  We're paying for the wedding weekend festivities ourselves but won't be able to afford two full receptions.  The package we're considering for the Meet & Greet is at a restaurant and includes dinner, dessert and non-alcoholic beverages.  We think there will be about 60 people that will probably come if we send invitations (Nothing has been decided on for sure yet).  Personally, I would rather buy 60 guests dinner the night before the wedding and have some time to spend with them and thank them for making the trip than to pick up the tab for dinner and drinks for JUST our wedding party after rehearsal. Since this would be at a restaurant, cocktails could be available for people who wanted to drink but do we have to offer to pay for the booze two nights in a row or would it be acceptable to just let them know what the menu choices are and let them order their own alcohol if they want it?  I don't want to start the weekend off on the wrong foot.

AddieCake

dbacksgirl said:

Hi ladies, I tried to find the answer to this question by searching old threads but all I could find were comments pertaining to a reception.  Without a doubt, we're covering booze for that.  But my question is about the Meet & Greet the night before.  We are having a DW and are expecting about 70 OOT guests.  On the day of the wedding, we're going to do a cocktail hour with hors d'oeuvres after the ceremony and then a full reception with plated dinner, open bar with premium alcohol, entertainment, etc.  Additionally, because so many people are making the trip to celebrate with us, I'd like to host a dinner the evening before the wedding as an extra "thank you" and where we also have a chance to visit with people as they arrive in town.  We're paying for the wedding weekend festivities ourselves but won't be able to afford two full receptions.  The package we're considering for the Meet & Greet is at a restaurant and includes dinner, dessert and non-alcoholic beverages.  We think there will be about 60 people that will probably come if we send invitations (Nothing has been decided on for sure yet).  Personally, I would rather buy 60 guests dinner the night before the wedding and have some time to spend with them and thank them for making the trip than to pick up the tab for dinner and drinks for JUST our wedding party after rehearsal. Since this would be at a restaurant, cocktails could be available for people who wanted to drink but do we have to offer to pay for the booze two nights in a row or would it be acceptable to just let them know what the menu choices are and let them order their own alcohol if they want it?  I don't want to start the weekend off on the wrong foot.

If you're hosting this dinner, then yes, you should pay for the booze. There are ways to get around it, but I personally think if you are hosting an event, you host all of the event, and I think it causes confusion for people to have to pay for any part of it. 

banana468

I think you need to pick up the tab for booze. No you don't HAVE to host alcohol but I would side eye any couple that picked a DW and then opted not to host alcohol for cost only reasons.

NYCMercedes

I agree with PP's. If you are the host, you pay, regardless of the occasion. I suggest you look for a less costly restaurant for your first party. Btw, that's very generous and thoughtful of you to want to host for two parties.

mysticl

You host you pay.  In that setting you probably won't see a lot of drinking.  We did our rehearsal dinner in a restaurant, not everyone ordered alcohol and those that did only had one drink.  And we had some people there who are known to drink.  

lilacck28

I think its a nice thought to want to host a larger rehearsal dinner. The host can control what type of food/ drink they are hosting. So print a menu with your guests' options. Don't include the alcohol that you aren't paying for. Don't mention the alcohol you aren't paying for in a "well, if you want a drink, they have them." Your guests can figure that out if they're that desperate to buy themselves some booze. And don't order yourself anything that you aren't hosting for your guests. 

crunchymamaof2

lilacck28 said:

I think its a nice thought to want to host a larger rehearsal dinner. The host can control what type of food/ drink they are hosting. So print a menu with your guests' options. Don't include the alcohol that you aren't paying for. Don't mention the alcohol you aren't paying for in a "well, if you want a drink, they have them." Your guests can figure that out if they're that desperate to buy themselves some booze. And don't order yourself anything that you aren't hosting for your guests. 

I agree with this. Alcohol isn't required (though many will say you should include it since it's a DW) and what you've described for the pre wedding dinner sounds fine. As long as they are given a menu with the hosted options and aren't old they can purchase additional items at their cost you're fine. And wait for rsvps- you may get more declines than you anticipate and could end up affording the alcohol for that dinner as well.

JCbride2015

Agree with PPs: you host, you pay.  Maybe you could just offer wine and beer, and leave off any mention of the other available drinks?

[Deleted User]

Just buy dinner and the non-alcoholic drinks.  Then declare an End to the party.  If people want to stick around the restaurant and get drinks, the party is over and they can now do that.

LadyMillil

I went to a wedding reception at a restaurant. There was a limited menu for the wedding guests. The B&G made menu cards that listed the meal choices. At the bottom there was a drinks section that listed water,pop, iced tea, tea, coffee, beer and wine. You couldn't order any liquor and the servers would not bring you the bar menu. At another wedding (dinner only, no dance) the B&G bought enough beer and wine for everybody to have 2 drinks. Once it was gone, it was gone and non-alcoholic drinks were hosted. By that time most people were ready for coffee/tea with dessert. I'm not sure if this is etiquette approved though.

kitty8403

We are doing a meet and greet event (and larger list than yours) in lieu of a traditional rehearsal dinner. The in-laws have offered to host. Anything they do not want to host or pay for, we will. It will be done at a location where we are free to do our own food/booze. A Costco and a liquor store run ought to do it.

This is part of your planning. It needs to be part of your overall wedding budget. If you can't find a way to affordably host 70-some OOT guests for dinner, don't do it! Try hosting cocktails and apps for 2-3 hours, or do something fun and non traditional like going out for dessert or putting out a sundae bar.

kitty8403

mysticl said:

You host you pay.  In that setting you probably won't see a lot of drinking.  We did our rehearsal dinner in a restaurant, not everyone ordered alcohol and those that did only had one drink.  And we had some people there who are known to drink.  

I would be careful advising this. I went to one of these things at a hotel the night before a wedding and I found out after the fact that the bar tab alone came to several thousand. Location and know-your-crowd are big factors here.

lilacck28

kitty8403 said:

We are doing a meet and greet event (and larger list than yours) in lieu of a traditional rehearsal dinner. The in-laws have offered to host. Anything they do not want to host or pay for, we will. It will be done at a location where we are free to do our own food/booze. A Costco and a liquor store run ought to do it. This is part of your planning. It needs to be part of your overall wedding budget. If you can't find a way to affordably host 70-some OOT guests for dinner, don't do it! Try hosting cocktails and apps for 2-3 hours, or do something fun and non traditional like going out for dessert or putting out a sundae bar.

Why is it better to do cocktails and appetizers and some dessert than dinner and dessert and nonalcoholic drinks? It is not necessary to host alcohol if you do not choose to, as long as you are providing food (a meal if it is a meal time), beverages, and seating for your guests. 

banana468

lilacck28 said:

kitty8403 said:

We are doing a meet and greet event (and larger list than yours) in lieu of a traditional rehearsal dinner. The in-laws have offered to host. Anything they do not want to host or pay for, we will. It will be done at a location where we are free to do our own food/booze. A Costco and a liquor store run ought to do it.

This is part of your planning. It needs to be part of your overall wedding budget. If you can't find a way to affordably host 70-some OOT guests for dinner, don't do it! Try hosting cocktails and apps for 2-3 hours, or do something fun and non traditional like going out for dessert or putting out a sundae bar.

Why is it better to do cocktails and appetizers and some dessert than dinner and dessert and nonalcoholic drinks? It is not necessary to host alcohol if you do not choose to, as long as you are providing food (a meal if it is a meal time), beverages, and seating for your guests. 

This is true but if guests are incurring a lot of expenses to attend a DW, unless the hosts don't drink and aren't hosting it for the reception, it seems like cheaping out on them.

lilacck28

banana468 said: 

This is true but if guests are incurring a lot of expenses to attend a DW, unless the hosts don't drink and aren't hosting it for the reception, it seems like cheaping out on them.

This could definitely be the case, but not hosting alcohol for one event while hosting it for another is not against etiquette. Personally, I would prefer dinner to drinks. I barely drink. But maybe your crowd would prefer cocktails and appetizers to a dinner. Thinking about your crowd is what will make you a wonderful hostess. 

Also, when I read "destination wedding" I never know what to think. My wedding will be very close to both my and FI's hometowns but will require travelling (a few hours drive for most, a plane ride for a few) for the majority of my guests. Now a days it seems like people refer to everything as a destination wedding, instead of those weddings that require plane travel for every single person. I yearn for consistency! 

kitty8403

banana468 said:

lilacck28 said:

kitty8403 said:

We are doing a meet and greet event (and larger list than yours) in lieu of a traditional rehearsal dinner. The in-laws have offered to host. Anything they do not want to host or pay for, we will. It will be done at a location where we are free to do our own food/booze. A Costco and a liquor store run ought to do it.

This is part of your planning. It needs to be part of your overall wedding budget. If you can't find a way to affordably host 70-some OOT guests for dinner, don't do it! Try hosting cocktails and apps for 2-3 hours, or do something fun and non traditional like going out for dessert or putting out a sundae bar.

Why is it better to do cocktails and appetizers and some dessert than dinner and dessert and nonalcoholic drinks? It is not necessary to host alcohol if you do not choose to, as long as you are providing food (a meal if it is a meal time), beverages, and seating for your guests. 

This is true but if guests are incurring a lot of expenses to attend a DW, unless the hosts don't drink and aren't hosting it for the reception, it seems like cheaping out on them.



---SIB!---
OP wants to do dinner but claims she cannot afford to fully host it. I merely suggested much less expensive alternatives that still allow for a nice get-together and show appreciation. There is no reason she HAS to buy everyone dinner, but if she wants to host an entire extra party, she needs to budget for it, drinks included.

IMO, alcohol needs to be hosted if she's having dinner out at any place that serves it. I can sort of get behind the idea of a controlled menu with just a few choices, but even then, it's borderline--you are showing people something that they cannot have unless they pay. Verbalized or not, your guests are still being placed in a position where they have the option of an upgrade *if they want to open their wallets.* Isn't that why we always say no to cash bars?
If she wants dinner and can't afford booze, it's better to move the location to a restaurant that does not serve alcohol, or another venue where she can control the food.

huskypuppy14

Alcohol is not required, and just because you are providing it for the wedding does not mean you need to provide it for the rehearsal.  But do what others suggested and make a menu of what you are providing.  

[Deleted User]

If I'm invited to your rehearsal dinner at a restaurant and have what I don't realize is a "controlled menu", I will order a burger and fries and ask the waiter what beer is on tap.  The waiter should tell me, "I'm sorry, but this party only includes the non-alcoholic beverages included at the bottom of the menu."  I will then thank the waiter and happily order a water.  Then, after I'm stuffed from the awesome meal and dessert that my hosts fed me, have been thanked for attending, and informed that the party is now over, I MIGHT walk over to the bar area of the restaurant with a few people for a post-party beverage.  Or I might go to another bar or restaurant.  Or I might go back to my hotel room and sleep.  But once I've been properly hosted, I can start boozing it up on my own dime.  I'd love a buffalo chicken wrap and brownie sundae and water (I don't drink soda) at a party, and don't need alcohol to have a good time and appreciate the gesture.

kitty8403

adk19 said:

If I'm invited to your rehearsal dinner at a restaurant and have what I don't realize is a "controlled menu", I will order a burger and fries and ask the waiter what beer is on tap.  The waiter should tell me, "I'm sorry, but this party only includes the non-alcoholic beverages included at the bottom of the menu."  I will then thank the waiter and happily order a water.  Then, after I'm stuffed from the awesome meal and dessert that my hosts fed me, have been thanked for attending, and informed that the party is now over, I MIGHT walk over to the bar area of the restaurant with a few people for a post-party beverage.  Or I might go to another bar or restaurant.  Or I might go back to my hotel room and sleep.  But once I've been properly hosted, I can start boozing it up on my own dime.  I'd love a buffalo chicken wrap and brownie sundae and water (I don't drink soda) at a party, and don't need alcohol to have a good time and appreciate the gesture.

And if you are invited to a place where no alcohol is in sight or on the menu at all, that conversation would never take place and you would never experience potential embarrassment related to such a request. You would simply eat and go home or go to a bar later.

dbacksgirl

lilacck28 said:

I think its a nice thought to want to host a larger rehearsal dinner. The host can control what type of food/ drink they are hosting. So print a menu with your guests' options. Don't include the alcohol that you aren't paying for. Don't mention the alcohol you aren't paying for in a "well, if you want a drink, they have them." Your guests can figure that out if they're that desperate to buy themselves some booze. And don't order yourself anything that you aren't hosting for your guests. 

Yes, that is exactly what we planned to do.  There are five choices of entree (beef, chicken, veggie, salad with meat, and a pasta).  Dessert is chef's choice and then the choice of beverages are coffee, tea, or soft drink.  We will have printed menus and I thought we could just do it that way.  We wouldn't specifically mention any cocktails, but being that it's a restaurant and the bar will be in a nearby section of the place, it would be obvious there is alcohol if they wanted it.

@kitty8403, the wedding is in Vegas so finding a place that DOESN'T serve booze would be pretty much impossible.  We can, however control the food.  I have a set menu chosen already that we'd like to use and publish on our website ahead of time, as well as have menu cards the day of the event.

lilacck28, it is a DW in the sense that all but maybe 6 or 7 people will have to travel by plane or drive 5 hours to get there.  Thank you all for the good advice.  I am really going to have to think about this because I want to make sure everyone is having a good time and hosted properly but as someone mentioned, having a full bar would add about $2500 to the cost of the dinner and I don't think that's worth it for that because I don't think people would drink that much in 2 hours.  That said, I do like the suggestion someone made about maybe just picking up drinks that people order.  That makes me a little nervous on costs but hopefully it wouldn't be as high as an open bar.  The restaurant did give me an option to do drink tickets (2 for each person) but IMO, that is WAY tacky and would make me feel like I was at a college beer festival instead of a nice welcome party.

Oh, and neither I nor FI will be drinking during dinner.  We'll try to grab a quick bite but the purpose of this event would be for us to mingle and visit with guests as they arrive in town for the wedding.  I would feel weird walking around with a drink in my hand as we say hello to grandmas and such, you know? 

mysticl

kitty8403 said:

You host you pay.  In that setting you probably won't see a lot of drinking.  We did our rehearsal dinner in a restaurant, not everyone ordered alcohol and those that did only had one drink.  And we had some people there who are known to drink.  

I would be careful advising this. I went to one of these things at a hotel the night before a wedding and I found out after the fact that the bar tab alone came to several thousand. Location and know-your-crowd are big factors here.

I said you host, you pay.  I don't see anything wrong with advising that.  

The rest was not advice, it was an observation I have made. Was the event you went to a sit down dinner where people could only order through the servers assigned to their group or were people free to go up to the bar and put it on the tab?  That makes a lot of difference in how much alcohol is ordered.  So does the length of the event.  

lilacck28

kitty8403 said:

r but claims she cannot afford to fully host it. I merely suggested much less expensive alternatives that still allow for a nice get-together and show appreciation. There is no reason she HAS to buy everyone dinner, but if she wants to host an entire extra party, she needs to budget for it, drinks included. IMO, alcohol needs to be hosted if she's having dinner out at any place that serves it. I can sort of get behind the idea of a controlled menu with just a few choices, but even then, it's borderline--you are showing people something that they cannot have unless they pay. Verbalized or not, your guests are still being placed in a position where they have the option of an upgrade *if they want to open their wallets.* Isn't that why we always say no to cash bars? If she wants dinner and can't afford booze, it's better to move the location to a restaurant that does not serve alcohol, or another venue where she can control the food.

Pretty much all restaurants serve alcohol. My favorite cheap diner serves alcohol. If I throw a party or rehearsal dinner there, and pay for all my friends and family, and decide to serve them macaroni and cheese, and grilled cheese, and cheesecake (I love cheese) along with milkshakes and water, I am doing my job as a host (provided I have done my best to accommodate food allergies and vegans/ vegetarians/ religious dietary constraints).

 It is possible a few of my guests might wish I was also hosting mixed drinks and beer and tuna salad, but I think that's pretty lame. Someone is generously providing food and drinks for you, and you're mad because your particular favorite thing (alcohol and tuna salad) is not being provided for you? That's the argument you seem to be making. Because alcohol is not a right of a party goer. It is nice if it is provided, but that is it. 

 If I went to a party where all the food offered was ... I don't know... sushi and saki and steak tartar and beer, I wouldn't think the hosts were being rude. I don't really like any of those, but the hosts provided and paid for the meal, therefore, it was their decision. I can go and get something else to eat later if I really want to. 

Jen4948

If you're hosting, then you pay.  If there is anything you don't want to pay for, including alcohol, then don't provide it.  Alcohol is never required, contrary to the post above that suggests it.  Nobody is entitled to alcohol, but they are entitled to not have to pay for it if it is offered.

lc07

Personally, I would swing it to serve alcohol. Even if it was a limited bar (beer/wine/sig drink). Vegas = alcohol to me. At our wedding, we cut back on a lot of things including the fact that we didn't take a honeymoon at all so we could have a welcome party like you are describing WITH alcohol. It's definitely a know your circle thing. All circles my H and I are involved in serve alcohol at all events no matter the time of day or the location. So it would be odd not to have it.

[Deleted User]

kitty8403 said:

If I'm invited to your rehearsal dinner at a restaurant and have what I don't realize is a "controlled menu", I will order a burger and fries and ask the waiter what beer is on tap.  The waiter should tell me, "I'm sorry, but this party only includes the non-alcoholic beverages included at the bottom of the menu."  I will then thank the waiter and happily order a water.  Then, after I'm stuffed from the awesome meal and dessert that my hosts fed me, have been thanked for attending, and informed that the party is now over, I MIGHT walk over to the bar area of the restaurant with a few people for a post-party beverage.  Or I might go to another bar or restaurant.  Or I might go back to my hotel room and sleep.  But once I've been properly hosted, I can start boozing it up on my own dime.  I'd love a buffalo chicken wrap and brownie sundae and water (I don't drink soda) at a party, and don't need alcohol to have a good time and appreciate the gesture.

And if you are invited to a place where no alcohol is in sight or on the menu at all, that conversation would never take place and you would never experience potential embarrassment related to such a request. You would simply eat and go home or go to a bar later.

Actually, you're giving me far too much credit.   I'm not that observant.  I'd probably ask what was on tap even at a place that seriously had not a drop of alcohol on the premises.  And I wouldn't be embarrassed because the answer to "what beer is on tap?" is "none, we have no beer at this party."  Alcohol is available everywhere!  I can get a Corona at Chipotle at lunch!!!!