Non traditional Gal needs advice, alittle long, sorry!

aorsini1

So Im not sure if this would be right section of board because it falls under a few.
My SO and I have been discussing and planning what we want for a "wedding".  Both super outdoorsy people, who just love nature and keep our lives really simple.  Neither of us are religious or wanted the typical "wedding".  Ive known for awhile I did not want a "wedding" because my family (mother esp.) is more privileged and are very particular, complete opposites of us.  We want to keep cost down as much as possible to put some of $ toward the house we bought.  Now Im trying to balance what things I do want VS what I know I dont but how to make it all work is seeming impossible.  I know everyone will say dont let anyone talk you into anything, etc., do what you want, which trust me shouldnt be a issue, Ive made my feelings clear on that with family but still want to avoid as much drama as I can. 
We have a list of full do and dont wants but I wont go into that much detail right now:

Few things we dont know how we feel about:
Kids? Unsure as there are quite a few in family and with people traveling would be hard to exclude them.  But cost and safety are a issue, if we do  it at my home I have a dog whose not good with kids, and no matter where we decide will be outside

Drinks? (Expensive!, and we have some family and friends that will "overdue" it, my FI will disagree on this and Im not thinking a dry wedding but I really dont want to be put in that bad situation, so maybe beer wine only?, cash bar? to limit our limitless relatives)

So at first we thought of a ceremony on the beach during our honeymoon, but I am really close to my father (my parents are still together), I feel like I would want him there to 'hand me off' odd since Im really not attached to many traditions. Our honeymoon we want to be really exotic, so it wouldnt be fair to have my parents pay to be there, and I cant afford to have them.  So should I have just a small justice of the peace type thing locally, or do something right before the reception with only immediate family?  We just bought a log home so we were thinking of having everyone here at our farm for reception. Another thing to keep in mind is my entire family will have to travel to Ohio they are everywhere; Boston, Wyoming, Michigan, New York, Minneapolis, etc.

We do want to get everyone to celebrate but would like to have it be more of a casual party feel.  FI is set on a pig roast (we raise pigs and chickens).  Any ideas how to keep the mood light and people mingling?  I was thinking 1 row of long farmhouse tables (family style) would make it alittle less formal then the several round tables.

Anyone whose had a casual feel let me know what worked and didnt, what you regret was a tradition that maybe you didnt do?

Thanks so much!

chibiyui

aorsini1 said:

So Im not sure if this would be right section of board because it falls under a few.
My SO and I have been discussing and planning what we want for a "wedding".  Both super outdoorsy people, who just love nature and keep our lives really simple.  Neither of us are religious or wanted the typical "wedding".  Ive known for awhile I did not want a "wedding" because my family (mother esp.) is more privileged and are very particular, complete opposites of us.  We want to keep cost down as much as possible to put some of $ toward the house we bought.  Now Im trying to balance what things I do want VS what I know I dont but how to make it all work is seeming impossible.  I know everyone will say dont let anyone talk you into anything, etc., do what you want, which trust me shouldnt be a issue, Ive made my feelings clear on that with family but still want to avoid as much drama as I can. 
We have a list of full do and dont wants but I wont go into that much detail right now:

Few things we dont know how we feel about:
Kids? Unsure as there are quite a few in family and with people traveling would be hard to exclude them.  But cost and safety are a issue, if we do  it at my home I have a dog whose not good with kids, and no matter where we decide will be outside

Drinks? (Expensive!, and we have some family and friends that will "overdue" it, my FI will disagree on this and Im not thinking a dry wedding but I really dont want to be put in that bad situation, so maybe beer wine only?, cash bar? to limit our limitless relatives)

So at first we thought of a ceremony on the beach during our honeymoon, but I am really close to my father (my parents are still together), I feel like I would want him there to 'hand me off' odd since Im really not attached to many traditions. Our honeymoon we want to be really exotic, so it wouldnt be fair to have my parents pay to be there, and I cant afford to have them.  So should I have just a small justice of the peace type thing locally, or do something right before the reception with only immediate family?  We just bought a log home so we were thinking of having everyone here at our farm for reception. Another thing to keep in mind is my entire family will have to travel to Ohio they are everywhere; Boston, Wyoming, Michigan, New York, Minneapolis, etc.

We do want to get everyone to celebrate but would like to have it be more of a casual party feel.  FI is set on a pig roast (we raise pigs and chickens).  Any ideas how to keep the mood light and people mingling?  I was thinking 1 row of long farmhouse tables (family style) would make it alittle less formal then the several round tables.

Anyone whose had a casual feel let me know what worked and didnt, what you regret was a tradition that maybe you didnt do?

Thanks so much!

You do not have to invite kids. It will save you hassle if you have clear definitions (i.e, no one under 15, nieces and newphews only, etc) but the only real rule is don't split up families, so don't invite the 16 year old but not their 5 year old sibling Whatever drinks you have should be fully hosted.

 Beer only is fine. Beer and wine is fine. Beer and a signature cocktail is fine. As long as you host it, you're good. People will still "overdue" it even if you charge them for it, and people can overdue it on beer alone too. Unless you have raging alcoholics, you probably don't have to worry too much, but you might want to look into hiring a liscensed bartender who can properly monitor your guests and cut them off if necessary.

Anyone invited to the reception should also be invited to see you get married, so I'd recommend hiring an officiant or having an ordained friend do a small ceremony right before the reception. If you want a small, intimate ceremony, you should probably skip the big family reception. 

Pig roasts are great and usually inexpensive. You'll keep the mood light with your setting and music, if your not having a dj, hook up a phone or ipod to some speakers and make up a playlist. Farmhouse tables are fine, and generally less formal then round, but not necessarily. 

Congrats and happy planning.

OliveOilsMom

aorsini1 said:

So Im not sure if this would be right section of board because it falls under a few.
My SO and I have been discussing and planning what we want for a "wedding".  Both super outdoorsy people, who just love nature and keep our lives really simple.  Neither of us are religious or wanted the typical "wedding".  Ive known for awhile I did not want a "wedding" because my family (mother esp.) is more privileged and are very particular, complete opposites of us.  We want to keep cost down as much as possible to put some of $ toward the house we bought.  Now Im trying to balance what things I do want VS what I know I dont but how to make it all work is seeming impossible.  I know everyone will say dont let anyone talk you into anything, etc., do what you want, which trust me shouldnt be a issue, Ive made my feelings clear on that with family but still want to avoid as much drama as I can. 
We have a list of full do and dont wants but I wont go into that much detail right now:

Few things we dont know how we feel about:
Kids? Unsure as there are quite a few in family and with people traveling would be hard to exclude them.  But cost and safety are a issue, if we do  it at my home I have a dog whose not good with kids, and no matter where we decide will be outside

Drinks? (Expensive!, and we have some family and friends that will "overdue" it, my FI will disagree on this and Im not thinking a dry wedding but I really dont want to be put in that bad situation, so maybe beer wine only?, cash bar? to limit our limitless relatives)

So at first we thought of a ceremony on the beach during our honeymoon, but I am really close to my father (my parents are still together), I feel like I would want him there to 'hand me off' odd since Im really not attached to many traditions. Our honeymoon we want to be really exotic, so it wouldnt be fair to have my parents pay to be there, and I cant afford to have them.  So should I have just a small justice of the peace type thing locally, or do something right before the reception with only immediate family?  We just bought a log home so we were thinking of having everyone here at our farm for reception. Another thing to keep in mind is my entire family will have to travel to Ohio they are everywhere; Boston, Wyoming, Michigan, New York, Minneapolis, etc.

We do want to get everyone to celebrate but would like to have it be more of a casual party feel.  FI is set on a pig roast (we raise pigs and chickens).  Any ideas how to keep the mood light and people mingling?  I was thinking 1 row of long farmhouse tables (family style) would make it alittle less formal then the several round tables.

Anyone whose had a casual feel let me know what worked and didnt, what you regret was a tradition that maybe you didnt do?

Thanks so much!

You can have any kind of wedding that you want.  Just remember that how ever you have your wedding, you need to host your guests properly from the the moment they arrive to the moment they leave.  Hosting them properly, means providing your guests with a place to sit and providing food and drink on your dime (no cash bar!).

What I am most confused about is you using the word wedding in quotes.  A wedding consists of a couple being married in front of their guests and then the couple hosting a reception immediately afterwards.  If you want to have a pig roast in your backyard, that's fine!  You could always pay to board your dog for a day if you are worried about her interactions with guests.  Also, you can host a dry wedding or do beer & wine only, just don't do a cash bar.

I think the first thing you should do is get in agreement with your FI over what type of wedding you want to have.

CMGragain

@OliveOilsMom I disagree with just one point.  A wedding is when a couple is united in legal marriage, whether in front of guests, or alone at a courthouse.

OP, you can do as many or as few traditions as you wish, as long as you follow basic etiquette.  My sister had a wedding in the city park shelter with a pig roast, beet, coleslaw and potato salad from the grocery store.  Cake was a decorated sheet cake, also from the grocery store.  My sister wore a borrowed, traditional bridal gown and veil.  A cousin played the flute.  It was beautiful!

I think you have a valid concern about the dog.  I think you should invite the kids and make arrangements to board the dog for the day.  The dog might be upset by all the activity and people, and would be better off in a quiet place.  The families with kids will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I suggest that you hire an officiant to come to your reception site and marry you in front of all your guests.  Your father can "hand you off", or even walk you down an aisle.  You must have enough chairs for everyone to sit during the ceremony and at the reception afterwards.  That rule is set in stone!

I think your plans sound very nice.  Have a lovely wedding!

QueerFemme

I don't think you have to, or don't have to invite kids.  But, I think you should still board the dog for the day.   A dog that isn't good with kids, probably won't be good with a huge crowd either, even if they are all adults.  You are asking for trouble. And this is coming from someone who has four dogs, and does rescue, and often has foster dogs with behavioral issues.   Boarding will be less stressful for the dog.

Jen4948

Most of your plans sound lovely.

The only ones I take any issue with are the drinking and your dog.

You can have a dry wedding, a full open bar, or a limited bar, whatever works within your budget.  Certainly there is no need to go over budget; nor is there an etiquette requirement that alcohol needs to be made available to your guests.  But don't have a cash bar.  The reception is your thank-you to your guests for attending, even if the wedding is non-traditional, so the onus of paying for their thank-you hospitality should not be on their shoulders.

I can understand your wanting your dog to be there, but if you are going to invite kids (which is optional), I do agree with PPs about boarding your dog for the day and not letting it be around kids.  But you aren't required to invite the kids, although it may be more convenient for guests to be allowed to bring them.

emmyg65

We had a wedding pretty much like what you're planning: casual pig roast in my in-laws' yard. We kept it fun and casual by modeling it after a summer barbecue and just generally being friendly and having fun. We invited kids because we like them. 

Don't worry too much about keeping people mingling. As long as you provide plenty of food, drink (doesn't need to be alcohol, but does need to be free) and comfortable seating, they'll be happy and talk with people they know.

If you want to know more, you can PM me or read about our wedding here: http://apracticalwedding.com/2013/11/quaker-at-home-wedding/

OliveOilsMom

Thank you CMG, it was my intent to put it as a legal ceremony in front of guests!

STARMOON44

Nothing wrong with a pig roast wedding. No cash bar and board the dog. Dog not good with kids = dog not good with people.