Bachelorette Party and FSIL - Rude or Just Me?

kraccoon

The other day my FSIL asked me if she could bring a guest to my bachelorette party.  She explained that she wouldn't really know anyone there and would feel more comfortable bringing a friend.  I told her that I'm not planning it (my sister and friend are) and I would have to consult with them since their plans are being made based on a head count of seven (including me).  I ultimately just want to tell her no, and my sister and friend agree with me.  It's my bachelorette party, and considering she has repeatedly met four of the people invited (myself, my sister, the planning friend, and another) and has once met the other two, I don't understand why she feels the need to add on someone else which will just increase the costs for everyone.

I am here, however, because there have been a lot of issues since day one between me and the in-laws.  I want to make sure that my reaction isn't due to the difficulties I've had with them, and is simply because she's rude.  Mind you, she went on to complain that the date and time don't work for her, and why did I plan it for day X when it should have been day Y.  But that's beside the point.  As long as I'm in the green with telling her no, what's the best way you could suggest letting her down?  I'm hesitant to flat out say "no" because of the problems I've already had with the in-laws' demands and such.  Thanks!

AlexisA01

You could remind about how it would be an ettiquette faux pas.

Sugargirl1019

You tell the hosts to tell her no. It is not your job since you are not the host.

MuppetOverlord

I read this as you having some gripe against her. I'm not sure what the back story is but I don't think it was inappropriate or rude for her to ask the question if she can bring a friend. If you don't want her to bring one, let the organizers know you would prefer not to have her. You have directed her to them. If she doesn't ask them, maybe your problem is solved automatically. If she does ask them, they can simply tell her an additional guest is not welcome. If she brings someone anyway, then, I'd think that was rude. I'd let her bring someone, but that's me.

AddieCake

I would probably let her bring someone, too. Just because she has met the people going doesn't make it any easier to hang out all night with them if she doesn't really know them. I go to a lot of parties and gatherings where I know only the host, and I feel very awkward and uncomfortable every time.

MuppetOverlord

Yeah, to Addie's point, I would want people to enjoy themselves and not feel like they want to do their duty to me and get out since they aren't close to anyone present.

Simply Fated

The hosts should be dealing with this, not you. Just direct your FSIL to one of them. Since they're the ones dealing with the cost and plans, then it's their choice.
Etiquette-wise, no this friend shouldn't be invited. People who are invited to the bach party should be invited to the wedding. Even if this friend understands the deal.

huskypuppy14

No one who is not invited to the wedding should be invited to the bachelorette party.  If she doesn't know anyone, and she would feel uncomfortable, than she can decline.  This is no different from FMIL wanting to invite a friend or two to the bridal shower when they are not invited to the wedding.

Jen4948

I agree with @SimplyFated that you should refer her request back to the hosts, who can then decline to invite her friend on whatever grounds they see fit.  But whether or not it was polite of her to ask if she could bring the friend, the hosts can let her know of the etiquette rule that only those invited to the wedding can be invited to a wedding-related event including a bachelorette party.

SP29

Ack... paragraphs...I see both sides of the argument... in one respect, if she doesn't know anyone then this party could be awkward, as IME, bachelorette parties are generally a more intimate event between friends (and intimate doesn't mean raunchy). Even if she has met a few of your other guests before, if they don't have similar likes, are of similar ages/ life stages, or perhaps if she can sense tension between you two, the event could still be awkward. But, at the same time, I agree that anyone invited to the bach. party should also be a wedding guest. I also generally think it is rude to ask to invite someone random to someone else's event. I have often gone to events where I didn't know anyone but the host or guest of honour. I also happen to be quite the shy introvert, but I was polite, said hello to the other guests and managed to enjoy myself. Also, similarly to what I said about about bachelorette parties being more intimate events, YOU may not feel as comfortable having someone there you don't know, particularly when the party is generally about the bride. I think the best way for you to handle the situation is to direct FSIL to the hosts of the party and they can tell her that unfortunately no, it would not be appropriate for her to bring a friend.

phira

I might sit down and talk to her. If she's really not comfortable coming to the bachelorette party because she won't know anyone (and just because she's met people before doesn't mean that it's going to be oodles of fun), maybe she'd be happier if you two did something else together before or after the party?

kraccoon

Thanks everyone.  As for background, me and her go out together sometimes just me and her, but in any other situation we wouldn't ever be friends.  She's the Justin Beiber to my Jim Morrison.  Doesn't mean we don't get along, we're just different even though there's less than a two year age gap.  But as far as telling her it's not "etiquette approved" to do such a thing, that's going to be a dead end.  I've already dealt with the FMIL inviting people to bridal shower who are not invited to the wedding despite me and my mother telling her repeatedly that it wasn't appropriate.

SewInLoveWithDMB

I see both sides.

I 100% agree with the concept of only inviting those who are invited to the wedding. Why would a person (her guest) who presumably doesn't know you want to attend your bachelorette party?

But, in the world of etiquette faux-pas, it's fairly minor (imo - it's not like a cash bar, or tiered invite or no chairs, etc etc). If she is not close friends with the people attending, having someone who she is close to can make the entire event more comfortable for her.

The above advice for her to speak to the hosts is best, because you do not need to plan your own party. 

I also don't see how it would make it more expensive for the entire group - but I clearly don't know what is planned. I'm sorta thinking one more would bring down the costs for everyone (if it is all split) or, things are "per person" and it wouldn't change (like, a ticketed event.)  Does something need to be "bigger" due to the extra person (like a bigger limo?) But that is a different issue as well.

In the end, do what is best for you. If you don't want to cause more drama with his family, let her go. It really isn't that big of a deal. If you absolutely do not want this extra person, tell the hosts no way. 

ladyamanuet

scribe95 said:

Also, how does adding one more person increase the cost? Individuals should be paying their own way and then likely splitting the bride's expenses.

Perhaps the hosts are paying for everyone? In which case, it is rude to invite someone not on the guest list

annathy03

I think there are 2 questions:

1) Would it really cost the invited girls more?  Most B-parties I've been to everyone pays for themselves and pitches in for the bride, so it seems odd that more girls would cost more unless the hosts are covering everything.

2) Are YOU comfortable with FSILs friend?  I don't know your crowd, but some B-parties get a little wild.  Mine wasn't crazy, but I wouldn't have had the conversations we did with a stranger.

If 1 is yes or 2 is no, I'd let the hosts know and they should handle it- after all it is their guest list.  But if it won't cost anyone else more and won't make you uncomfortable, I don't see the harm in accomodating her.

offensivekitten2

I have a raging bitch for a SIL, so here's an unexpected bonus you may not have considered: if you let her bring her friend, you don't have to deal with her as much during the party.

I'd allow it so she'd leave me the hell alone and I can enjoy the party.

STARMOON44

It sounds like a pretty easy way for you to spend less time with her at the party. I'd go for it.

annathy03

Oh, @offensivekitten2, I have a welcome back photo for you.

Your MIL still as baby crazy as mine?

offensivekitten2

annathy03 said:

Oh, @offensivekitten2, I have a welcome back photo for you.

Your MIL still as baby crazy as mine?

Omg haaahahaha! Damn you for making me surprise laugh at work. I'm getting looks from my coworkers!

MIL has calmed down, but I still consciously have alcohol at every social event so people won't stick their noses in my vag.

We still need to put that baby on shirts!

annathy03

offensivekitten2 said:

Oh, @offensivekitten2, I have a welcome back photo for you.

Your MIL still as baby crazy as mine?

Omg haaahahaha! Damn you for making me surprise laugh at work. I'm getting looks from my coworkers! MIL has calmed down, but I still consciously have alcohol at every social event so people won't stick their noses in my vag. We still need to put that baby on shirts!

Sorry, not sorry!  I gave MIL an approximate timeline which has been extremely successful so far.  Of course, when we reach 2 years after the wedding she'll start bugging us like crazy again, but I'll take the reprieve now.  Our friends are much more respectful, plenty are preggo or have kids now but most waited a few years after their weddings too, so if they say anything it's more poking fun.

We do still need the shirts though.  It'll be awesome.

adverb1129

What?  I wouldn't have wanted strangers at my bachelorette party.  But I was lucky and my SIL flaked on going.  I felt obligated to invite her, even though we are very different people and I was pretty sure she wouldn't have that great of a time.  I was actually kind of stressed about her coming but then she begged off at the last minute.  However, had she asked to bring a friend along I would have said NO.