Parents' names not on invitations

twitterbird

We weren't planning on listing names and said "together with our parents" on the original mockup. I showed it to my mom and she lost her mind over it. She cried for 2 days and told me I didn't respect her or my deceased father as their names weren't on the invitation. She went as far as saying my dad's family probably wouldn't come if his name wasn't on there (I sincerely doubt that). I bent and included the names as it meant more to her to have them than it did to me not to have them.

huskypuppy14

I understand what @ashleyepis trying to say, and I don't think she was being hostile. Come on guys, we all say to brides on here who don't like "our tone" that you can't read tone online. 

My parents are paying for most of the reception, with FI parents covering the rest (by coincidence). I am the contact for all of the contracts and I have/will write all the checks. We were lucky in that our parents are giving us money directly to pay for the wedding. However, my mother did want to go to the tasting, and she received the RSVPs. We listed both sets of parents' names on the invitations.

We also say, "who pays has a say", and if they want their names on the invitation, because they paid for most of it, that's not too much to ask IMHO.

Jen4948

huskypuppy14 said:

I understand what @ashleyepis trying to say, and I don't think she was being hostile. Come on guys, we all say to brides on here who don't like "our tone" that you can't read tone online. 

My parents are paying for most of the reception, with FI parents covering the rest (by coincidence). I am the contact for all of the contracts and I have/will write all the checks. We were lucky in that our parents are giving us money directly to pay for the wedding. However, my mother did want to go to the tasting, and she received the RSVPs. We listed both sets of parents' names on the invitations.

We also say, "who pays has a say", and if they want their names on the invitation, because they paid for most of it, that's not too much to ask IMHO.

In your opinion, yeah.  But in real life, if all parents are contributing is money, if that, then their names don't belong on the invitation, and they should not be listed just to avoid hurt feelings.  The purpose of the invitation is not to stroke their egos but to convey logistical information to the guests.  It is too much to ask if guests are asking the parents questions or bringing issues up to them only to be referred back to the couple because the parents "aren't really hosting" but are just listed as such.

phira

I agree with @jen4948. Names on the invitation isn't something you give to your parents to shut them up and make them happy. I do think that it might be worth considering "Together with their families," but I think the OP's mom needs to get a grip.

kmmssg

There is also a generational thing going on here. Back in the days of us MOBs if there was a wedding it WAS (almost always) hosted by the MOB/FOB and they paid for it. They hosted/they paid and they issued the invitations with their names on it. Back when we were getting married that is "how it was done" and many MOBs still think this is the one and only proper way. I have paid for the overwhelming majority of my girls' weddings and we host. It is our gift to them, much as @Lyndausvi has mentioned was the case for her wedding. They have all chosen not to list parents names (there are at least 3 sets of parents for each girl involved due to stepparents) and went with some variation of "together with our parents". I thought it was a stellar option. Your mom is stuck in how things were done in her day. She only knows what she knows. All you can do is apologize and move on. While I do see a distinct difference between paying and hosting, my experience has been that it is usually one in the same. It is not always, but in my circle it just shakes out that way. If you can't get your mom to understand there was no slight intended, you are just going to have to apologize profusely and possibly show her some googled examples of invitations worded as you have worded yours.

carliealissa

This has been one of our big hot button issues. 

My parents are doing their best to contribute, which ends up being around 2-3k each.  I know they wish they could do more.  FI's parents are probably contributing closer to 20k, maybe more.  WE are doing all the planning, contracts, sending and receiving invitations, etc.

FI and I are clearly the hosts, but we haven't discussed "hosting" with anyone- not sure whether his parents think they themselves are.  I do not want our invitations to have only his parents' names.  I think my mother, at least, will be hurt to be left off if his parents are on.  I want to either leave everyone off, or write "together with their families".

FI thinks that it's not fair to his parents to include my parents on the invitation, when his parents are the ones paying for basically the whole wedding.  (Mom's contribution is for my dress and bridal shower).  I've explained to him the whole hosting =/= paying, but he thinks that his parents don't see it that way or that we somehow won't be acknowledging what they are doing for us. 

It might seem obvious to just ask our parents about it, but our dads would just look at us like we're crazy for thinking they care, haha, and our moms aren't always honest about their feelings.

I don't know what we will end up doing yet but this whole "whose names on the invitation" thing always seems to be such a sensitive issue within the family for whatever reason- and what kills me is you guys are right, NOBODY is even going to read that part!

Maggie0829

carliealissa said:

This has been one of our big hot button issues. 

My parents are doing their best to contribute, which ends up being around 2-3k each.  I know they wish they could do more.  FI's parents are probably contributing closer to 20k, maybe more.  WE are doing all the planning, contracts, sending and receiving invitations, etc.

FI and I are clearly the hosts, but we haven't discussed "hosting" with anyone- not sure whether his parents think they themselves are.  I do not want our invitations to have only his parents' names.  I think my mother, at least, will be hurt to be left off if his parents are on.  I want to either leave everyone off, or write "together with their families".

FI thinks that it's not fair to his parents to include my parents on the invitation, when his parents are the ones paying for basically the whole wedding.  (Mom's contribution is for my dress and bridal shower).  I've explained to him the whole hosting =/= paying, but he thinks that his parents don't see it that way or that we somehow won't be acknowledging what they are doing for us. 

It might seem obvious to just ask our parents about it, but our dads would just look at us like we're crazy for thinking they care, haha, and our moms aren't always honest about their feelings.

I don't know what we will end up doing yet but this whole "whose names on the invitation" thing always seems to be such a sensitive issue within the family for whatever reason- and what kills me is you guys are right, NOBODY is even going to read that part!

And this is why the "rules" are not as cut and dry as people make them out to be.  Sure you can follow the "rules" in regards to who is and who is not listed on the invitation but in the end you could do some serious damage to relationships if you don't take into account other people's feelings.

@carliealissa - That is a tough spot to be in.  I am not really sure what the best solution is.  Maybe don't list any parents names but take a moment during the reception to thank each set of parents separately?  That way the are acknowledged by you and your FI in front of everyone (which his parents seem to want) and you are also not leaving one set of parents out just because they couldn't afford as much as the other set.

carliealissa

Thanks for the advice @Maggie0829.  If FI and I could get on the same page about it, that would be a good start!!

abbyj700

I'm with @Maggie0829 - the rules aren't just cut and dry when it comes to keeping relationships. 

My parents are contributing to our wedding. That is how they've chosen to host. They both want to know what's going on, help where they can in little ways - but they didn't even plan their own wedding. It's not something they enjoy. FI's parents live near us, and would like to be involved with putting together flowers, decorating, helping to plan details, etc. They cannot contribute financially. My parents could care less if their names are on the invite for financially hosting - they know we appreciate their loving support and financial support. My future mother in law would probably be crushed if families were not included. So why not put "and their families" to keep the relationship good? (this is not directed at OP as it seems maybe that boat has sailed)

kitty8403

This whole argument seems so strange to me.
As far as I am concerned, we are the hosts. We are funding and organizing the wedding. One set of parents is hosting the rehearsal night. Both parent sets have taken the odd phone call or question.

One of the parent couples is in the middle of some financial issues right now. I'm not going to embarrass them by "calling out" the other ones by name on the invite, so it looks like we aren't acknowledging them. At the same time, while this is our event, I believe weddings are by nature family affairs, so squabbling over who gets "hosting" credit is silly. We did "together with their families" also--technically I suppose we didn't even need to do that, but I felt it might avoid hurt feelings somewhere along the line.

kitty8403

ladyamanuet said:

ashley8918 said:

I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.

This.  If my parents wanted their names on the invitation so people know they paid for it, I'd give them their money back.  My parents don't care about stuff like that though...


---SIDB!---
I don't think it has anything to do with "hosting" or "paying" for most people, especially mothers. It's that the invitation serves as the official announcement that their children are getting married, and they want to be recognized somewhere as the parents who raised that child. Nobody reads that language on an invitation and says, "oh, this is the hostess I call if I have an issue!" People read it and say, "oh that's the family they are from! Hey honey, did you know so-and-so's son is getting married?"

If space is a major consideration, or the bride no longer lives at home, etc., I think something mentioning "families" is appropriate. But it may still not satisfy some parents. (I worried about this, but my mother was fine.)

ashleyep

kitty8403 said:

ashley8918 said:

I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.

This.  If my parents wanted their names on the invitation so people know they paid for it, I'd give them their money back.  My parents don't care about stuff like that though...

---SIDB!--- I don't think it has anything to do with "hosting" or "paying" for most people, especially mothers. It's that the invitation serves as the official announcement that their children are getting married, and they want to be recognized somewhere as the parents who raised that child. Nobody reads that language on an invitation and says, "oh, this is the hostess I call if I have an issue!" People read it and say, "oh that's the family they are from! Hey honey, did you know so-and-so's son is getting married?" If space is a major consideration, or the bride no longer lives at home, etc., I think something mentioning "families" is appropriate. But it may still not satisfy some parents. (I worried about this, but my mother was fine.)

Exactly. My friends aren't going to call my mom with questions because they're the ones listed as hosts. My aunts would still go to my mom with questions even if we were listed as hosts. No one even remembers whose names are on it and who requested the honor of your presence, or whether the "correct" hosts did table visits. Do what works for your family. 

We all know that "son of so and so" doesn't belong on the invitation. But my mom was sure that FMIL would be upset if we didn't do that. Telling her it wasn't etiquette isn't going to make her feel any better if she's not recognized on my brother's wedding invitations. I put my foot down on that one because we have a strained relationship with FMIL, but if it was important to her I would have done it. 

I just worry that we sit on these boards in our little bubble all smug in our superiority that these are rules and we're all right and if someone doesn't like it, we can just say "well that's not the etiquette" and tell them to shove it.

Maggie0829

ashleyep said:

kitty8403 said:

ashley8918 said:

I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.

This.  If my parents wanted their names on the invitation so people know they paid for it, I'd give them their money back.  My parents don't care about stuff like that though...

---SIDB!--- I don't think it has anything to do with "hosting" or "paying" for most people, especially mothers. It's that the invitation serves as the official announcement that their children are getting married, and they want to be recognized somewhere as the parents who raised that child. Nobody reads that language on an invitation and says, "oh, this is the hostess I call if I have an issue!" People read it and say, "oh that's the family they are from! Hey honey, did you know so-and-so's son is getting married?" If space is a major consideration, or the bride no longer lives at home, etc., I think something mentioning "families" is appropriate. But it may still not satisfy some parents. (I worried about this, but my mother was fine.)

Exactly. My friends aren't going to call my mom with questions because they're the ones listed as hosts. My aunts would still go to my mom with questions even if we were listed as hosts. No one even remembers whose names are on it and who requested the honor of your presence, or whether the "correct" hosts did table visits. Do what works for your family. 

We all know that "son of so and so" doesn't belong on the invitation. But my mom was sure that FMIL would be upset if we didn't do that. Telling her it wasn't etiquette isn't going to make her feel any better if she's not recognized on my brother's wedding invitations. I put my foot down on that one because we have a strained relationship with FMIL, but if it was important to her I would have done it. 

I just worry that we sit on these boards in our little bubble all smug in our superiority that these are rules and we're all right and if someone doesn't like it, we can just say "well that's not the etiquette" and tell them to shove it.

For me, the only etiquette I really concern myself over is what will and will not affect a guests comfort level.  What I write on my invitation in regards to is and is not a host and if I list all the parents or not is not going to affect my guests comfort.  But if I don't provide a meal at a meal time or only provide 10 chairs for 100 guests then those will affect my guests comfort and things that they will remember and will care about.  If the only thing that a guest can complain about is the fact that the couple listed all the parents on the invite even though you aren't supposed to then that means the couple must have done an awesome job at making sure their guests were taken care of and hosted properly.

NYCBruin

Maggie0829 said:

carliealissa said:

This has been one of our big hot button issues. 

My parents are doing their best to contribute, which ends up being around 2-3k each.  I know they wish they could do more.  FI's parents are probably contributing closer to 20k, maybe more.  WE are doing all the planning, contracts, sending and receiving invitations, etc.

FI and I are clearly the hosts, but we haven't discussed "hosting" with anyone- not sure whether his parents think they themselves are.  I do not want our invitations to have only his parents' names.  I think my mother, at least, will be hurt to be left off if his parents are on.  I want to either leave everyone off, or write "together with their families".

FI thinks that it's not fair to his parents to include my parents on the invitation, when his parents are the ones paying for basically the whole wedding.  (Mom's contribution is for my dress and bridal shower).  I've explained to him the whole hosting =/= paying, but he thinks that his parents don't see it that way or that we somehow won't be acknowledging what they are doing for us. 

It might seem obvious to just ask our parents about it, but our dads would just look at us like we're crazy for thinking they care, haha, and our moms aren't always honest about their feelings.

I don't know what we will end up doing yet but this whole "whose names on the invitation" thing always seems to be such a sensitive issue within the family for whatever reason- and what kills me is you guys are right, NOBODY is even going to read that part!

And this is why the "rules" are not as cut and dry as people make them out to be.  Sure you can follow the "rules" in regards to who is and who is not listed on the invitation but in the end you could do some serious damage to relationships if you don't take into account other people's feelings.

@carliealissa - That is a tough spot to be in.  I am not really sure what the best solution is.  Maybe don't list any parents names but take a moment during the reception to thank each set of parents separately?  That way the are acknowledged by you and your FI in front of everyone (which his parents seem to want) and you are also not leaving one set of parents out just because they couldn't afford as much as the other set.

Agreed.  Both sets of parents are contributing to our wedding, but we are still paying for the bulk and have done all the planning/organizing.  We are the ones handling RSVPs and answering questions and doing seating charts and coordinating vendors.  Our parents wrote us some very generous checks.  If we're getting technical by the book definition, we are the hosts.  

However, both of our parents wanted to be listed on the invitations.  This in no way affects guests' comfort and we don't care whether we get the "credit" for hosting or not so our invitations list our parents as the hosts (rather than us).  Sure, technically not correct etiquette but it's a victimless crime and it made our parents happy so I'm more than comfortable making this faux pas.  

perdonami

CMGragain said:

The hosts are on the invitation so the guests know whom to thank at the end of the reception.  We hosted,paid for, and helped to plan our daughter's wedding, so people (most of whom we had just met) properly thanked us for the lovely reception and kind wedding invitation.  We also greeted every single one of our guests personally in the receiving line, and I checked at all the tables during the reception.  Not to do so would have been very rude of me.
Cool it, @ashleyep.  You are out of your league.

I agreed with most of what was posted here besides the very last two sentences. 

I had a situation with my wedding invitations as well. My FMIL very generously offered to pay for our entire reception. She is also helping me plan it and I have gone to her on countless occasions with questions. She will also be greeting guests as well during the wedding and has just been immensely supportive of me throughout this whole process. 

My absentee father on the other hand, has not asked one single question about the wedding, although, he has very much enjoyed some of the benefits of the wedding planning. Due to the mere fact that there is shared DNA, lots of folks are very concerned about him looking good while walking me down the aisle and sharing our special little dance. So much in fact that my aunt is buying him dental implants and a brand new suit. All the while, he has no idea when the wedding day even is. In fact, I even briefly considered not inviting him at all.  I am sure you can imagine the subsequent shitstorm that ensued when I explained I will not be partaking in any of those father/daughter traditions. 

When FI wanted to show my FMIL our wedding invitation to see if she had any suggestions, she requested that I also place my father's name since I included her and her husband's name on the invitation. I told FI privately, no we will not be doing that and so opted to remove her name as well. I got a call from FSIL about the invitation (our first phone call ever) and wanted to talk to me about the invitation as well. FSIL suggested I take another look at her invitation so I can see how to list both parents. I explained, I will not be adding my father's name and if it makes your mother feel bad about it, I will have to remove FIs parents names too. Although, I feel bad because my FMIL has been such a huge help in so many ways but I see that it made her uncomfortable to just have her and her husband's name on the invitation. 

Admittedly, I did not want others to think my father had a hand in hosting anything about this wedding as he really hasn't which really should also be besides the point. However, I can see how listing parents or not listing parents can be tricky and as much as we want to say that its just an invitation and that sure no one will even remember this detail, it can be hurtful to some parents. OP, if your parents are good to you and its still fixable, just list them as best you can; I like the 'whole together with family' bit.

carliealissa

@perdonami, I feel your pain.  It doesn't fully solve the problem if someone feels strongly about having their actual name listed, but I like the "together with family" the most because it seems to kind of skirt around the issue lol.  Anyone who wants to be acknowledged can take that as their acknowledgement, but it's not specific, in case you're bitter towards dad or dad's stupid wife or whatever your family dynamic may be.

kitty8403

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

carliealissa said:

This has been one of our big hot button issues. 

My parents are doing their best to contribute, which ends up being around 2-3k each.  I know they wish they could do more.  FI's parents are probably contributing closer to 20k, maybe more.  WE are doing all the planning, contracts, sending and receiving invitations, etc.

FI and I are clearly the hosts, but we haven't discussed "hosting" with anyone- not sure whether his parents think they themselves are.  I do not want our invitations to have only his parents' names.  I think my mother, at least, will be hurt to be left off if his parents are on.  I want to either leave everyone off, or write "together with their families".

FI thinks that it's not fair to his parents to include my parents on the invitation, when his parents are the ones paying for basically the whole wedding.  (Mom's contribution is for my dress and bridal shower).  I've explained to him the whole hosting =/= paying, but he thinks that his parents don't see it that way or that we somehow won't be acknowledging what they are doing for us. 

It might seem obvious to just ask our parents about it, but our dads would just look at us like we're crazy for thinking they care, haha, and our moms aren't always honest about their feelings.

I don't know what we will end up doing yet but this whole "whose names on the invitation" thing always seems to be such a sensitive issue within the family for whatever reason- and what kills me is you guys are right, NOBODY is even going to read that part!

And this is why the "rules" are not as cut and dry as people make them out to be.  Sure you can follow the "rules" in regards to who is and who is not listed on the invitation but in the end you could do some serious damage to relationships if you don't take into account other people's feelings.

@carliealissa - That is a tough spot to be in.  I am not really sure what the best solution is.  Maybe don't list any parents names but take a moment during the reception to thank each set of parents separately?  That way the are acknowledged by you and your FI in front of everyone (which his parents seem to want) and you are also not leaving one set of parents out just because they couldn't afford as much as the other set.

Agreed.  Both sets of parents are contributing to our wedding, but we are still paying for the bulk and have done all the planning/organizing.  We are the ones handling RSVPs and answering questions and doing seating charts and coordinating vendors.  Our parents wrote us some very generous checks.  If we're getting technical by the book definition, we are the hosts.  

However, both of our parents wanted to be listed on the invitations.  This in no way affects guests' comfort and we don't care whether we get the "credit" for hosting or not so our invitations list our parents as the hosts (rather than us).  Sure, technically not correct etiquette but it's a victimless crime and it made our parents happy so I'm more than comfortable making this faux pas.  

---
I think getting hung up on who the "true" hosts are CAN affect guest comfort.
Case in point: brides who insist that only the designated host can accept RSVPs in a specific format. I've received exactly two paper RSVPs, felt out a few more in private messages, and gotten some e-mail responses. But not one phone call as yet. My family keeps calling my mother; his family keeps calling his. It would be crazy impractical to be constantly redirecting people to RSVP--none of the guests care who the host is. They just want to talk to the person related to the wedding with whom they have the strongest personal connection. For extended family or friends of the folks, that is going to be them, not me.

drewisesup

Neither of our parents are listed on the invitation. Without getting into specifics, the wording is as follows: The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of [My name] and [Fiance's name] on Saturday, the Fifteenth of November Two thousand and fourteen At six-thirty in the evening [Church name] [Church address] I definitely agree with people's perspective on rewording to include "Together with their families." I think that would have made for an agreeable solution for everyone. We consulted with my fiance's parents on the wording because they paid for the invitations (and didn't even think about their names being included), and I sent the proof to my mom to ultimately make her feel included and share my excitement about the invitations. She promised she was okay and that she would let it go after our initial discussion, but she brought it up again when she saw them in person the other day, which was upsetting. I feel like I'm not even allowed to be excited about our wedding invites anymore, over a detail that most people do not notice when they receive an invitation.

delujm0

This seems like such a crazy issue to be mad about.

 

We did "together with our parents."  No one lost their minds over it.  For the ceremony/reception, the cost breakdown was 50% my dad, 25% my mom, and 25% us.  the in-laws covered the rehearsal dinner.  But because the reshearsal dinner was open to everyone, we just sent one invitation suite that included information for all of the events.  There was also a brunch the day after the wedding that we paid for ourselves.

 

why is it so important that the parents be named on there, regardless of who paid for what?  the only reason i could see for putting parents' names on the invitation is if you are inviting people that wouldn't recognize the name of the bride or groom without including the parents on there.  and i don't know many people that invited complete strangers to their weddings, though i suppose that does occassionally happen.

 

when i don't see parents' names on the invite, i don't assume that the bride and groom are estranged from their parents...that seems like a really weird reaction.  and, regardless of who pays for what, i do think it's odd to list one set of parents but not the other.  which is why we just didn't list any of them.

[Deleted User]

delujm0 said:

This seems like such a crazy issue to be mad about.

 

We did "together with our parents."  No one lost their minds over it.  For the ceremony/reception, the cost breakdown was 50% my dad, 25% my mom, and 25% us.  the in-laws covered the rehearsal dinner.  But because the reshearsal dinner was open to everyone, we just sent one invitation suite that included information for all of the events.  There was also a brunch the day after the wedding that we paid for ourselves.

 

why is it so important that the parents be named on there, regardless of who paid for what?  the only reason i could see for putting parents' names on the invitation is if you are inviting people that wouldn't recognize the name of the bride or groom without including the parents on there.  and i don't know many people that invited complete strangers to their weddings, though i suppose that does occassionally happen.

 

when i don't see parents' names on the invite, i don't assume that the bride and groom are estranged from their parents...that seems like a really weird reaction.  and, regardless of who pays for what, i do think it's odd to list one set of parents but not the other.  which is why we just didn't list any of them.

That's what I was wondering as well.  I guess if everyone the parents invited to the wedding would look at the invitation and say, "Jay Smith and Sue Sanders?  Who are Jay and Sue?  Oooooh, Sue is Art and Beth's daughter!  Yeah, I guess we can go to that wedding."  But then that only makes sense if for some reason the kids have different last names than the parents, which I suppose is possible, but if that isn't the case, I don't see the big deal.

jerkyanne

We didn't include anything on our invitations. I was looking to include "together with their parents" but fiance shut that down saying that his mother wasn't helping (not that we were expecting it. I always assumed we'd pay for everything.) and he didn't want to honor her as a host when his father was deceased and his mother thought a formal wedding was silly.


And we both knew that just naming mine would cause issues despite how silly a formal wedding may be. So we just went with "The honor of your presence is requested for..." But we knew no one would be offended.

I think it depends on personal feelings and family dynamics.

weddingcactus

I am so glad this topic is under discussion. In several months I will need to figure this out for my own wedding invitations. Honestly, I really do not wish to include either parents' names or "together with their parents" because we're doing a very very small destination wedding (approximately 18 guests, maybe 24 to be invited) and realistically we are the only hosts. Since our parents make up 6 of those guests (his parents are divorced) and we will not be inviting any guests that aren't extremely close to us, it feels silly to list our parents. My FI and I intend to be the hosts and we intend to host our immediate family as the extremely important guests that they are. We have been out of our respective houses for over a decade and have lived together for nearly that long. My parents have offered an extremely generous cash "wedding gift" to "use as we choose" (their words) and his parents have made no financial offers. (We would turn down any from half of his family whose financial situation is difficult and we could not stomach straining their situation.) I have every intention of using our own finances to pay for the wedding and putting all cash gifts (generous or otherwise) into savings. Yet this topic has opened my eyes to the possibility that our family may have strong feelings about whether they are listed, regardless if we expect them to host the event in any way. We love our parents very much and I think I would be willing to add a simple phrase acknowledging them if it is very important to them. I think we'll check with our parents before we finalize our invitations to make certain we aren't hurting feelings. Thank you for bringing this up. On a side note, this year we received a wedding invitation from a couple who had a very complicated parental structure. Essentially both bride and groom each had four parents to list on the invite and decided to include all eight names (plus bride and groom) on the invitation. It made for the most cluttered and nearly unreadable invitation I have ever received. I really hope I can put together an invitation that does not look anywhere near as complex.

sarahufl

adk19 said:

delujm0 said:

This seems like such a crazy issue to be mad about.

 

We did "together with our parents."  No one lost their minds over it.  For the ceremony/reception, the cost breakdown was 50% my dad, 25% my mom, and 25% us.  the in-laws covered the rehearsal dinner.  But because the reshearsal dinner was open to everyone, we just sent one invitation suite that included information for all of the events.  There was also a brunch the day after the wedding that we paid for ourselves.

 

why is it so important that the parents be named on there, regardless of who paid for what?  the only reason i could see for putting parents' names on the invitation is if you are inviting people that wouldn't recognize the name of the bride or groom without including the parents on there.  and i don't know many people that invited complete strangers to their weddings, though i suppose that does occassionally happen.

 

when i don't see parents' names on the invite, i don't assume that the bride and groom are estranged from their parents...that seems like a really weird reaction.  and, regardless of who pays for what, i do think it's odd to list one set of parents but not the other.  which is why we just didn't list any of them.

That's what I was wondering as well.  I guess if everyone the parents invited to the wedding would look at the invitation and say, "Jay Smith and Sue Sanders?  Who are Jay and Sue?  Oooooh, Sue is Art and Beth's daughter!  Yeah, I guess we can go to that wedding."  But then that only makes sense if for some reason the kids have different last names than the parents, which I suppose is possible, but if that isn't the case, I don't see the big deal.

SITB:

To me, it wasn't about who was paying. I didn't care. It was a (small) way for me to honor my parents. That said, our wedding was SUPER family-oriented. Both of my parents walked me down the aisle and both of H's parents walked him down the aisle. All our siblings, nieces and nephews were involved.

It wasn't a matter of finances, just me wanting to recognize our parents as a huge part of why we were there.

I understand why people want to leave it off, but I do know that my parents would have been very hurt to be left off.

CMGragain

weddingcactus said:

I am so glad this topic is under discussion. In several months I will need to figure this out for my own wedding invitations. Honestly, I really do not wish to include either parents' names or "together with their parents" because we're doing a very very small destination wedding (approximately 18 guests, maybe 24 to be invited) and realistically we are the only hosts. Since our parents make up 6 of those guests (his parents are divorced) and we will not be inviting any guests that aren't extremely close to us, it feels silly to list our parents. My FI and I intend to be the hosts and we intend to host our immediate family as the extremely important guests that they are. We have been out of our respective houses for over a decade and have lived together for nearly that long. My parents have offered an extremely generous cash "wedding gift" to "use as we choose" (their words) and his parents have made no financial offers. (We would turn down any from half of his family whose financial situation is difficult and we could not stomach straining their situation.) I have every intention of using our own finances to pay for the wedding and putting all cash gifts (generous or otherwise) into savings. Yet this topic has opened my eyes to the possibility that our family may have strong feelings about whether they are listed, regardless if we expect them to host the event in any way. We love our parents very much and I think I would be willing to add a simple phrase acknowledging them if it is very important to them. I think we'll check with our parents before we finalize our invitations to make certain we aren't hurting feelings. Thank you for bringing this up. On a side note, this year we received a wedding invitation from a couple who had a very complicated parental structure. Essentially both bride and groom each had four parents to list on the invite and decided to include all eight names (plus bride and groom) on the invitation. It made for the most cluttered and nearly unreadable invitation I have ever received. I really hope I can put together an invitation that does not look anywhere near as complex.

Your invitation is extremely easy.  The bride and groom never directly take the credit for hosting their own wedding.  This is the proper format.

The pleasure of your company is requested
at the marriage of
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
Day. date of month
time o'clock
Venue
Address
City, State/Country

Reception to follow