Sneak Attack PPD

CarolinaKC

I just found out that wedding I'm going to is, in fact, a pretty princess day. This is a really good friend that I gave more credit than this. We had been planning to attend their wedding next month, and were very excited about it, but then a few days ago, lo and behold, pictures appeared on Facebook of their actual ceremony that happened LAST month. I guess there were some legal hoops because they wanted to "self officiate" their marriage rather than have an officiant because they are not religious, but the state they are having their "wedding" in (I hate having to put it in quotes now!) does not allow for that. I can sympathize with that. They want to have their ceremony the way they want it and didn't want to be constricted by weird technicalities. But if that was the case then WHY would they put on a suit and a white dress and have someone take pictures of their (in their eyes) non-wedding and put them on Facebook where all their guests can see?? I'm still going to go. I'm sure it will be fine. But I'm definitely feeling a way about it that I didn't want to feel and if they were going to have a PPD why couldn't they have just kept their mouths shut about it so we would have all thought we were seeing the real thing? Would you guys still go in this situation? Would you do anything or just roll your eyes and feel duped?

erollis

I would still go if I had already planned to if I was close to this person. And if I was close to this person I would ask why wasn't invited to their first wedding. I may not bring it up before the PPD but it would be brought up.

Zhabeego

Honestly, I would prefer the couple be honest rather than perpetuate a fraud on all their guests. I'd also go but yes, internally, there would be a LOT of eye-rolling. I'm a lot over "we want, what we want, when we want it" bridal couples. Somehow, this notion that a marrying couple is entitled to any and every little thing they want exactly how they want it and everyone else is supposed to coddle them has become entrenched in our society and its bullshit. If you are already married then yeah, I'm not so jazzed about attending your stage re-enactment in which I'm now an audience member and not a guest. Blech.

thisismynickname2

So... they want to self-officiate, but had to get a legal officiant anyway.

I'm so confused. 

This reminds me of a former coworker. She had the legal ceremony (with pics posted to FB) done a week before jetting off to Cabo with some nearest and dearest, and when I saw the Cabo ceremony pictures on FB, I didn't see an officiant in sight.  So why did you drag everyone to Cabo?

And then they had an at-home reception and she re-wore her wedding dress. 

All I can chalk it up to is "We want people we love to watch us say vows whether it's legal or not."

And yes, I'd still go, since there isn't time to change your RSVP. I assume you still want to celebrate the fact that this friend got married. 

KGold80

My FI and I are both atheists and we still have an officiant. He's an ordained minister, but is respectful of our wishes to have a completely secular ceremony. Seriously, it's not that fucking hard, people. Sometimes you have to make some compromises.

If this were a friend of mine, I'd go, but there would definitely be some eye-rolling. I hope you have a nice time either way!

manateehugger

Ummm, I'm sorry, being non-religious is the dumbest reason ever to have a PPD. Are people not aware there are things called secular ceremonies? Or that they could have a friend officiate (allowed in most states I believe)? Or you know, simply have a DW in a state that allows self-officiating. 

Major eye rolls. I'd go and try not to mutter under my breath. 

I disagree with you a bit; I think it's MUCH better that you actually know. Yes, it makes them look like idiots, but at least it doesn't make them look like lying idiots. I've been lied to about a PPD; trust me, you don't want that. 

CarolinaKC

thisismynickname said:

So... they want to self-officiate, but had to get a legal officiant anyway.

I'm so confused. 

Sorry, I wasn't clear probably because I don't get it very much myself. They did not have to get a legal officiant. Their legal wedding was self-officiated and their PPD wedding will not have an officiant either. I think their 14 attendants are all co-officiating or some hippie thing. 

They're actors which might have something to do with the whole theatricality of the whole thing. 

I guess I subscribe to an ignorance is bliss philosophy but those who said it's better to know are probably right too. It's annoying either way. I still really like them though, so I hope it will be a good time. They already had a honeymoon registry so they were never going to win with a lot of TK brides anyway.

QueerFemme

I'm an atheist and I still figured out a way to have an officiant.

LondonLisa

If it is a close friend, I think you are well within your rights to mention that you were hurt to not be invited to her wedding and ask about it. I would also rethink spending the money and going to a fake ceremony. If they didn't respect you enough to invite you to their actual wedding, and instead wanted you to spend money to watch them playact, I would be rethinking a friendship. 

HisGirlFriday13

DH has a co-worker who's having a quasi-PPD DW next week.

They got 'married' by a friend who got ordained online to marry them but out county doesn't recognise that so they're not really legally married.

And they did that because it was too much effort to get the real licence in their DW state because that would require them to show up a whole day early.

I'm just confused about the point of having two ceremonies, neither of which actually legally marries you.

I will never, ever, EVER understand people who want the legal benefits of marriage but can't be bothered to figure out how to make that happen in one ceremony.

CarolinaKC

Of course you did, QueerFemme, because you're probably not a weirdo. I'm an atheist too and it's not that hard to get a JP. It's not that they couldn't get one, it's that they didn't want one. If it sounds weird that's because it is.

QueerFemme

CarolinaKC said:

Of course you did, QueerFemme, because you're probably not a weirdo. I'm an atheist too and it's not that hard to get a JP. It's not that they couldn't get one, it's that they didn't want one. If it sounds weird that's because it is.

Oh I'm totally a weirdo.   

phira

So many options besides PPD. We're atheists and found a great officiant (Life Cycle Celebrant).

abbyj700

DAmn it - not excusing her behavior (at all) but we are having huge frustrations finding a damn officiant. Yet I still would not ever ever ever do a PPD...nor see our struggles with finding one as a reason to do so.

Simky906

I would prefer to know what kind of event I'm attending, so I would much rather be told before the event then find out later.

I'm attending a wedding later this month for a couple who got married last fall. And while I'm side-eyeing it a bit, it's due to a number of side-eye worthy things all adding up. The couple asked everyone to RSVP to the StD and got annoyed when hardly anyone did, had an RSVP date for their wedding 3.5 months before the wedding & asked for cash gifts only plus the whole already getting legally married thing.

Really, if it was just the one thing I (personally) probably wouldn't mind at all. But I can see how others would.

daria24

I'm an atheist and we self-united (because it's legal in PA, where we were getting married). We looked for an officiant for a long time but couldn't find one we felt comfortable with-online ordinations are a murky issue in PA, so we didn't want to risk it. PA doesn't have JOPs, they have regional magistrates and the ones close to where we were getting married were not helpful. And my husband staunchly refused to have an officiant from any church, even if they were willing to do a purely secular ceremony, because their "power" derived from religion. 

But in nearly every other state you have plenty of secular options. And if it's really that important to you to self-unite, plan a wedding in PA or Colorado and invite everyone to it. 

QueerFemme

abbyj700 said:

DAmn it - not excusing her behavior (at all) but we are having huge frustrations finding a damn officiant. Yet I still would not ever ever ever do a PPD...nor see our struggles with finding one as a reason to do so.

Can you have someone you know get ordained in your jursidiction?  Or have you checked Craiglist?

Bubblegum5586

daria24 said:

I'm an atheist and we self-united (because it's legal in PA, where we were getting married). We looked for an officiant for a long time but couldn't find one we felt comfortable with-online ordinations are a murky issue in PA, so we didn't want to risk it. PA doesn't have JOPs, they have regional magistrates and the ones close to where we were getting married were not helpful. And my husband staunchly refused to have an officiant from any church, even if they were willing to do a purely secular ceremony, because their "power" derived from religion. 

But in nearly every other state you have plenty of secular options. And if it's really that important to you to self-unite, plan a wedding in PA or Colorado and invite everyone to it. 

SITB*******

Wow I have never heard of "self united". Very cool!!!

In MA you can get ordained for the day - $25. My uncle who lives out of state did it and it was very easy!!