2 Brothers. 2 Weddings. 1 month apart? HELP!

ASparklyBride

Hi ladies, I (desperately) need some advice!

My fiance is one of three boys, all in their mid-late 20s. His eldest brother became engaged in 2012, and set the wedding for September 2014. My fiance proposed in June 2013, and we decided to wait and set our wedding for June 2015, in order to respect his eldest brother and give him and his fiance their own time (and the family a break!)

His other brother proposed to his girlfriend last weekend. They are planning for their wedding to take place one month after ours, with absolutely no intention of changing their date (she has been "secretly" planning months before the proposal was even a thought).

This would mean overlapping showers, bachelorette parties, dress fittings, and, not to mention, a HUGE burden on the family.

I feel extremely disrespected and hurt with their apparent disregard for our wedding. They fail to recognize the fact the we took the eldest brother's wedding into consideration and opted for a TWO YEAR engagement to avoid stepping on their toes and stealing the spotlight.

Is rational thinking and OK on their part? 
This is definitely something that I feel should not be left alone and needs to be addressed and I would like to say something, but am unsure the best way to go about it.

 

Thanks so much in advance for your advice!

 

OliveOilsMom

ASparklyBride said:

Hi ladies, I (desperately) need some advice!

My fiance is one of three boys, all in their mid-late 20s. His eldest brother became engaged in 2012, and set the wedding for September 2014. My fiance proposed in June 2013, and we decided to wait and set our wedding for June 2015, in order to respect his eldest brother and give him and his fiance their own time (and the family a break!)

His other brother proposed to his girlfriend last weekend. They are planning for their wedding to take place one month after ours, with absolutely no intention of changing their date (she has been "secretly" planning months before the proposal was even a thought).

This would mean overlapping showers, bachelorette parties, dress fittings, and, not to mention, a HUGE burden on the family.

I feel extremely disrespected and hurt with their apparent disregard for our wedding. They fail to recognize the fact the we took the eldest brother's wedding into consideration and opted for a TWO YEAR engagement to avoid stepping on their toes and stealing the spotlight.

Is rational thinking and OK on their part? 
This is definitely something that I feel should not be left alone and needs to be addressed and I would like to say something, but am unsure the best way to go about it.

 

Thanks so much in advance for your advice!

 

What you did for your FI's eldest brother was considerate, but unnecessary.  You get one day and both of FI's brothers get one day.  You aren't having your spotlight stolen. 

lovesclimbing

I'm afraid there's nothing you can say. I had two cousins get married four days apart and it was fine.

You were not required to give your cousin so much time.

Is it possibly a burden for some people? Yes, maybe. But they're adults and they'll figure it out.

I am one of seven cousins all between 19 and 24 - marrying age. If we all gave each other a year around weddings, some of us wouldn't get married for three or four years.

ETF: mobile spelling

NYCMercedes

There was no need for you to wait a year to schedule your wedding. Your decision in no way factors into the other brother's decision.

Aeris

If the third brother had proposed summer of 2013, would you have expected him to have a three year engagement in order to avoid overlapping with anyone?

This is just what happens when there are three siblings of roughly similar ages. Sometimes they all get married around the same time. Nothing to be done about it. The only solution is for someone to put their life on hold - and that's not reasonable.

Out of curiosity, how long would you think they ought to put off their wedding? A year? Because delaying getting married for an entire year just to please someone else is an awful lot to ask.

lyndausvi

It was very nice of you to be so considerate.  In your case maybe a little to long of a wait, but whatever.

As long as all the weddings are local I do not see a big problem.   They didn't do anything wrong by picking a date so close to yours.

FWIW - I would be annoyed at 2 sibling weddings so close.   In my family immediate family have active roles in the weddings. Most are WP members, host showers and parents help financially.  So it would be a burden in MY family.    Other families not so much.   Family dynamics come into play.

Inkdancer

Unless they intend to ask his family for money (which would be rude) then this is not a burden on the family.

You get one wedding day. That is all. As long as the other wedding isn't the same day as yours, you can't really complain.

You also don't know their circumstances. Maybe they are feeling pressure to get married sooner rather than later, and decided to wait until a month after you to avoid stepping on your toes. Maybe they need insurance, or he's moving overseas for a job, or one of a million other reasons to speed up a wedding. Try to be gracious and don't assume they're trying to steal your spotlight.

HisGirlFriday13

You each get one day. It was considerate of you to do what you did. It is, IMHO, inconsiderate of the other brother and his FI to do what they're doing because they're not taking into consideration what a burden this places on the family, but it's not wrong per se.

You're not having your spotlight stolen, but I can understand why you feel like they're being inconsiderate.

Do not worry about overlapping showers or parties or dress fittings (????). You will each get your one day. Because of their planning, people may decline to attend their wedding because they knew about yours first. Or they may attend both.

There is nothing for you to say. You have to leave it alone. The best you can do is hurry up and get your STDates out early so people know to save the date.

MNVegas

No one disrespected you nor is anyone stealing your spotlight. You get one day and each brother gets one day. It should not be a big deal unless you make it a big deal, which by your post looks like you are trying to cause drama. No one needs to change their date and should not be expected to or asked to change it.

Guests who are invited to multiple events will decide for themselves which events to attend and how to spend their money on gifts, travel if any, etc.

Stop take a deep breath and get all the negatives out of your head. Enjoy your wedding and the brother's weddings. 

saacjw

Honestly, you're overreacting just a bit on this one. You each get one day. One month apart is probably not going to step on as many toes as you think. Some family members might not be able to travel to both, but that is going to be the case with pretty much any wedding. I'd try to send out STDs first (which, logically, you would, since your wedding is a month before), but it will be on the guests to figure out if they can do both. 

As for things like the bachelorette party, dress fittings, etc- how much overlap will there really be with people going to each and timing? If my husband's sister got married at the same time as us, there would have been literally almost no overlap, even though she and I are pretty close. She didn't come to any of my dress fittings, I doubt I would go to hers, we'd probably shop for BM dresses together. I had two dress fittings and neither took more than 20 minutes; it's not an event, you are literally trying on a dress that you already own and letting someone pin you. As for the bachelorette party, do you and your FI's brother's FI have that much of a group of friends in common? Back to my SIL example- we have 0 friends in common. We'd invite each other to out bachelorette parties and otherwise, no overlap. We'd have overlapping shower guests, but showers don't occur at a set time, mine was 2 months before my wedding, my best friends was the weekend before hers. It's easy to make that work. 

bethsmiles

There's a whole month between the weddings. I don't really get how it's a problem. You really need to let this go because if you do or say anything you will look petty.

melbelleup

ASparklyBride said:

Hi ladies, I (desperately) need some advice!

My fiance is one of three boys, all in their mid-late 20s. His eldest brother became engaged in 2012, and set the wedding for September 2014. My fiance proposed in June 2013, and we decided to wait and set our wedding for June 2015, in order to respect his eldest brother and give him and his fiance their own time (and the family a break!)

His other brother proposed to his girlfriend last weekend. They are planning for their wedding to take place one month after ours, with absolutely no intention of changing their date (she has been "secretly" planning months before the proposal was even a thought).

This would mean overlapping showers, bachelorette parties, dress fittings, and, not to mention, a HUGE burden on the family.

I feel extremely disrespected and hurt with their apparent disregard for our wedding. They fail to recognize the fact the we took the eldest brother's wedding into consideration and opted for a TWO YEAR engagement to avoid stepping on their toes and stealing the spotlight.

Is rational thinking and OK on their part? 
This is definitely something that I feel should not be left alone and needs to be addressed and I would like to say something, but am unsure the best way to go about it.

 

Thanks so much in advance for your advice!

 

I'm just going to say this.... my brother and I are getting married 3 weeks a part. Not even a month.... it'll be okay I promise.

ETA: Okay I lied, I'll add more. I come from a family with 2 brothers and one girl (me). My parents are graciously paying for my reception food/ alcohol, but for the boys only paid rehearsal dinner for my oldest brother who was married in 2008. My other brother who is getting married 3 weeks after me, my parents are only paying for his rehearsal dinner and a limo. So each to their own. That being said, my oldest brother's wife's dad is loaded and offered to pay for the whole thing. My other brother who is getting married after us is also loaded. My FI and I basically have nothing but I managed to save 10k for our wedding for everything else other than reception food/alcohol. 

My parents are in no way in a big burden money wise. and all of my family and family friends are excited for both weddings. I originally wanted a 2015 wedding, but my parents convinced me into a 2014... We picked our date first, then my brother and his fiance. No biggy.

sarawifenow

You get one day. There is no reason to be hurt over this. It really is a non-issue.

jneen101

This seems like a non-issue to me.  Are you really going to be attending each other's dress fittings?  Your bachelorette parties and showers can still be weeks apart.  Do you all have the same friends anyway?

STARMOON44

Dress fittings? How is dress fittings a burden on the family of the grooms?

Ditto bachelorette parties. No reason why this needs to be a burden on the grooms' families.

annathy03

Take a deep breath, and take it from me that while it may be inconvenient for family that has to travel, that "overlap" is no big deal.

My sister was married 25 HOURS after me, and the only inconvenience I experienced was not being able to squeeze in a nap the day after my wedding.  No biggie and I think it's pretty damn cool that she was my maid of honor Saturday and I was her matron of honor Sunday- she wore my "Bride" tank and I wore a "Just Married" tank while we were getting ready which made for some cute pictures.

ASparklyBride

I would appreciate some consideration on their part recognizing how close their date is to ours.  If they were to wait until everything is over and done with (i.e., September or October) then I would not have an issue with it.  When I mentioned dress fittings, I meant bridesmaid dress fittings (and shopping) because we are in each other's bridal parties. This will also be a burden on ourselves in planning our own weddings along with each other's showers and bachelorettes.

buttercup1958

But they aren't waiting so you need to get over it.

VulgarGirl

I just need to know what happens at dress fittings that it could be considered an event. I'm just gonna take my dress to my seamstress and do a fitting. I doubt I'll bring anyone with me. I've had clothing tailored before...it's really unexciting. Is this an event thing for more traditional dresses? 

ladyamanuet

Honestly, OP, you really aren't going to notice that much.  It seems like a big deal right now, but give it some time and you will realize that a month is a very long time after a wedding to have another one.  And why not do the bridesmaid dress shopping together? Two birds, one stone. That's easier, not harder.

You were very considerate to give Bro1 such a wide berth.  But they didn't pick the date after yours, in a location across the country.  The picked a month later.  If it was a problem for your FI's family, they would have indicated that to Bro2 already.

You are making a mountain out a mole hill.  In the grand scheme of things, it is really not that much of a hassle. 

photokitty

My sister and I had our wedding 30 days apart. It was no big deal. We each got one day. No one felt like they were stealing the spotlight.

As to your issues...

-My sister and I are very close, but didn't go to each other's dressing fitting - I can't see how this will be an issue in your case since it's two brothers. In fact we had 3 brides, my sister's wife, and fittings didn't conflict in the slightest. My mom made it to any and all that were requested of her.

-BM dresses were selected and ordered online. I was never asked to go try them on. Say Yes to the Dress has everyone convinced that this needs to be a high production as well.

-Showers are one day each and can be held 2-3 months ahead of the wedding if needed.

-Bacholrette parties - do you expect your FBIL's FI to have a lot of cross over guests for her B-party?

-A break...I assume you are referring to financially - that's not your concern, it is his parents'. Stay out of that topic entirely.

Sorry, but since it's your FI's family and not yours I think you are begging for trouble. Let his family handle it. If his parents don't have any issue with it, then I don't think you should either.

Maggie0829

ASparklyBride said:

I would appreciate some consideration on their part recognizing how close their date is to ours.  If they were to wait until everything is over and done with (i.e., September or October) then I would not have an issue with it.  When I mentioned dress fittings, I meant bridesmaid dress fittings (and shopping) because we are in each other's bridal parties. This will also be a burden on ourselves in planning our own weddings along with each other's showers and bachelorettes.

They are waiting for everything to be done and over with.  I mean, they could have gotten married before you but they decided not to.  A month is more then enough time between weddings.

And seriously, dress shopping takes no time at all same with alterations.  Sounds like you are trying to come up with reasons for bitching them out and taking over your "special wedding year."

saacjw

MagicInk said:

I just need to know what happens at dress fittings that it could be considered an event. I'm just gonna take my dress to my seamstress and do a fitting. I doubt I'll bring anyone with me. I've had clothing tailored before...it's really unexciting. Is this an event thing for more traditional dresses? 

I had the same question. I had a really traditional dress, white, a-line, silk, train, embellishments of various lacy varieties. Dress fittings- my mom came because she's friends with the seamstress. She pinned my dress, checked with me to make sure I liked it and then we chatted about life. Every bridesmaid dress I've ever had- the fitting consisted of me needing to hem it, since I'm a shorty. I never had a bride come along to that. 

ladyamanuet

And you don't need to plan her shower or bachelorette - her MOH can do that, or another BM, or a family member. You don't need to be involved in any of that planning if you are too consumed with your own wedding planning. FWIW, planning a shower/bachelorette does not take much effort. I'm planning one for a friend right now. Co-host and I have handled everything via email thus far. I do stuff online during my lunch break. It is not all consuming that it interferes with other aspects of my life.

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

It was very nice of you to be so considerate.  In your case maybe a little to long of a wait, but whatever.

As long as all the weddings are local I do not see a big problem.   They didn't do anything wrong by picking a date so close to yours.

FWIW - I would be annoyed at 2 sibling weddings so close.   In my family immediate family have active roles in the weddings. Most are WP members, host showers and parents help financially.  So it would be a burden in MY family.    Other families not so much.   Family dynamics come into play.

This.

And this is why we often caution couples to check with their VIPs before making deposits for venues and setting their wedding date.

However, your wedding precedes the other brother, right?  So they are the ones that might be SOL in regards to family members declining to participate in or attend their wedding.

annathy03

MagicInk said:

I just need to know what happens at dress fittings that it could be considered an event. I'm just gonna take my dress to my seamstress and do a fitting. I doubt I'll bring anyone with me. I've had clothing tailored before...it's really unexciting. Is this an event thing for more traditional dresses? 

Nope.  It's common to bring your mom or MOH so they can see how the dress bustles (and corsets, if applicable) since they'll probably be helping you with that, but it's not "an event".

lyndausvi

MagicInk said:

I just need to know what happens at dress fittings that it could be considered an event. I'm just gonna take my dress to my seamstress and do a fitting. I doubt I'll bring anyone with me. I've had clothing tailored before...it's really unexciting. Is this an event thing for more traditional dresses? 

Let see.  I showed up at the dress shop at 11:30 am 3 months before my wedding.  I was with my mom, BFF and sister.  I tried the dress on, they pinned the hem, they tried to put a bunch of veils on my after I told them I was NOT wearing a veil.   The 4 us of us were ordering drinks and lunch by 11:50 am, as we had to drive across the street to the restaurant.   

For the record,  mom was there to pay for the dress and my $40 hem (no other alterations).  Sister was there because both mom and me are from OOT and we were staying at her house. We made a lunch date because we were altogether.   BFF came because I was in town and she wanted to lunch with the girls. 

My sister picked up my dress and stored it until the wedding.   I never saw or tried it on again until the wedding day.   

ASparklyBride

Like I said before, the process of shopping for bridesmaid dresses because we are in eachother's bridal parties.

VulgarGirl

saacjw said:

MagicInk said:

I just need to know what happens at dress fittings that it could be considered an event. I'm just gonna take my dress to my seamstress and do a fitting. I doubt I'll bring anyone with me. I've had clothing tailored before...it's really unexciting. Is this an event thing for more traditional dresses? 

I had the same question. I had a really traditional dress, white, a-line, silk, train, embellishments of various lacy varieties. Dress fittings- my mom came because she's friends with the seamstress. She pinned my dress, checked with me to make sure I liked it and then we chatted about life. Every bridesmaid dress I've ever had- the fitting consisted of me needing to hem it, since I'm a shorty. I never had a bride come along to that. 

Same here for bridesmaids dresses. In fact I'd feel really weird if one of the brides/grooms I've stood up for said "So, I'm coming with you to get your dress fitted", why? I'm short, I've been getting shit hemmed for eons, do you all of a sudden not trust me to get my dress hemmed? 

saacjw

ladyamanuet said:

And you don't need to plan her shower or bachelorette - her MOH can do that, or another BM, or a family member. You don't need to be involved in any of that planning if you are too consumed with your own wedding planning. FWIW, planning a shower/bachelorette does not take much effort. I'm planning one for a friend right now. Co-host and I have handled everything via email thus far. I do stuff online during my lunch break. It is not all consuming that it interferes with other aspects of my life.

SIB- blerg boxes

This times 100. My bachelorette party was literally planned in the 20 minutes between my friends realizing that my bridesmaids hadn't been able to plan it (since they lived in different states) and our sushi showing up. It was a great bachelorette party. I planned my best friend's shower with her sister and it was a lot of back and forth via email, but not horribly time consuming. My mom helped out with that by providing the location and food, but those details didn't take that long either (and would have taken less time, but my mom LOVES planning parties and goes a bit overboard with details). 

offensivekitten2

I had a friend once who freaked out that our weddings were a month apart. I thought it was cool and we could talk weddings without boring each other. She was an insecure psycho who somehow thought I was 'stealing' her spotlight. She treated me like trash for months.

Then I dropped her trifling primadonna ass, and left her to wallow in her own awfulness.

I hope she enjoys having lost a lifelong relationship over one stupid day.