Please tell me I'm not insane.

megso16

I'm new here, so not entirely sure what I'm doing, but I'll try my best!


BF and I have been together since August, not long, but it was obvious after a few months that this was permanent. He has two children from a previous marriage who I absolutely adore and who love me. It works, in every aspect. We live together officially now, but spent every night together starting in October or so.

We've talked about rings, talked about what we'd like our wedding to be like, we've both said we want to marry the other. He's joked around with proposing a few times (getting down on one knee to ask silly things, asking "what would you do if I proposed right now?"). I had to ask him to stop that, as it was just driving me nuts.


I have no idea when it's coming and have actively tried to just tell my brain to shut up, but alas, here I am. So, how does everyone else deal with talking about proposals/weddings without letting it take up a piece of your mind?

bethsmiles

Welcome to the boards! It's okay to daydream about a wedding sometimes, it becomes a problem when you start pre-planning or become obsessive. If you feel like you need a distraction take up a new hobby (like knitting or running) or set a new goal for yourself.

It can also help if you talk about a timeline with your SO. Are you thinking about getting engaged this year or within the next 3 years? Is there a general time you'd both like to be married by? What goals or considerations should come into play when deciding on a good time to get engaged. It's hard to wait when you have no idea how long you'll be waiting. It's completely reasonable to create a timeline with your SO for getting married and engaged. You don't have to decide on an exact date for it (or like @phira you can!) but it helps to at least have a general idea of what's going on.

phira

Welcome to the boards!

I'm not the best person to ask because my partner and I picked a date when we wanted to get engaged, and planned it together, so there was no proposal and no surprise.

However, this board is an awesome distraction. There's a "getting to you know" thingy (top stickied thread) you can fill out--you can post your answers here instead of the main thread. Tell us about yourself! What TV shows do you like? Have any pets?

ETA: Posted at the same time as you @bethsmiles!

megso16

@bethsmiles‌ the thought of discussing a time line had honestly never crossed my mind, but it makes so much sense! I feel a little silly for never having thought of it. Thank you!

I may take up knitting. There's only so much bored rainbow looming one girl can do before feeling like a 6 year old.

bethsmiles

@megso16 - I never really thought about it until I came to this board either! Knitting is awesome and I really wish I could do it but every time I try to teach myself I fail miserably. My brother picked it up super fast though (that bastard!)

megso16

Per @phira‌ 's suggestion, here I am

Screen Name: megso16
Age: 22
Significant Other's Age: 27 (28 6/28)
What You Do: bartender, for now.
What SO Does: surveyor
State of Relationship: not engaged yet.
How Long You've Been Together: 10 months
How You Met: we went to the same high school and knew the same people and hung out in the same music scene and just kind of started talking one day.
Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married):
Real Babies: 2 (soon to be) step daughters. 6 and 7.
Fur Babies: none yet, puppy for his birthday!
Loves: photography, hiking, volleyball
Hates: beets, being cold
Pet Peeves: people chewing with their mouth open, generally being impolite
Hobbies/Activities: hiking, photography, running
Favorite Thing About Your SO: he makes me feel safe and he makes me laugh until my belly aches
Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: his terrible memory
Describe Your Personality: I'm kind of a Tom boy, with a small makeup obsession, I love most people upon meeting them, and I'll do almost anything to make people smile
Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): probably 7.
I've Been On TK Since: lurked for a few months
How You Came to Be On TK: my sister got married January 2014 and I was the maid of honor so I ended up here for ideas on how to be helpful.
How I like my potatoes: any way but raw.
Favorite book/author: Tim O'Brien, The Things They Carried
Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: I enjoy getting lost.

megso16

@bethsmiles‌ brothers are always good like that!

eilis1228

Hey, I'm a 6/28 baby too! Your BF is obviously a pretty cool guy based on that lol

Also, yay for knitting! YouTube was my teacher. I'm not all that great at it, but I really enjoy it. Hopefully you pick it up quickly too.

Timelines both help and hinder the anxiety in my opinion. It's great knowing that it's for sure coming, and it gives you something to look forward to. However, as the time approaches, the excitement can easily become obsession. And yes, I'm totally referring to my current situation. :-P

Welcome to NEY!

phira

Without a timeline, it can feel like WAIT IS IT GONNA HAPPEN TODAY SHIT MAN MY HAIR IS A WRECK. Every day.

Before J and I sat down and talked about timelines, he made some hints about what he had gotten me for our 1 year anniversary that made me suspect he was going to propose. I tried to get more info from him without being too obvious and everything left me feeling just as unsure as before. I knew I wasn't ready for an engagement that early and I really worried that he would break up with me if I said no. So I spent our entire anniversary dinner date a nervous wreck, and could only relax after we exchanged gifts and there was no proposal.

megso16

@weewittlewizabeth‌ you June babies are pretty cool, I've gotta give it to you.

I think tomorrow will be a trip to the local craft store for supplies.

That's so exciting! I know it's happening at some point, just no idea when that point is haha.

megso16

@phira‌ totally! I'm vehemently against a proposal in public and he knows that, so I don't worry so much about hair. But quiet lovey times at home happen and my brain goes "NOW?!"

I haven't spent too much (read: none) time trying to get hints out of him. He's rather difficult to peg with some things, BUT he has been asking a lot of questions in regards to our anniversary. The other day he asked me where I'd go for it, if I could go anywhere in the world. We shall see. Ideally, I'd like to have no idea as to when it's going to happen as far as specifics. I know I'm going to ugly cry and probably stutter "holy shit" 100 times regardless of where or when it happens.

It's a lot easier to be relaxed about it knowing I'm not alone in these thoughts/frustrations/questions.

Dignity100

I agree with the others - day dreaming is fine.  Something like watching Say Yes To The Dress and saying 'hey, that's a pretty dress, I might like that silhouette someday' is totally different than making appointments and trying on dresses.

Hobbies are great!!  I see you guys are thinking about getting a puppy, I know one of the best things I could have done before getting a dog was actually volunteering at a local shelter.  I gained SO much knowledge from that (plus I was helping out all the animals). 

loves2shop4shoes

As PPs have said, it's important for you to have a conversation with him about relationship timelines, so you can ensure you're on the same page and so you don't set yourself up for disappointment. It really can be as easy as, "Where do you see us in one year, three years, five years, etc.?" Aside from that, you're young and you haven't been together very long. And there are two children in the picture. Take your time and don't rush into things. Let everything happen organically. *apologize for any shitty grammar or typos. On my iPad.

megso16

@Dignity100‌ volunteering is definitely awesome. I did like 2 months of it at a shelter in Westchester and it was great, but also immensely heart breaking. I would've taken every dog home if I could have.

@loves2shop4shoes‌ I'm going to have to have this time line talk. We've kept the kids in mind for just about every decision we've made in our relationship and I definitely think of them to get myself out of lala land. They're awesome at grounding me, but also have asked every weekend for the past 2 months or so "when are you and Daddy going to get married?" A few days ago, his six year old blurted out "UGH. Can you two just get married today?!" They also spent a solid 20 minutes telling BF and I that they've planned out our wedding and that he has to propose to me with a cannoli, because I love them. Regardless of the cuteness, I'm definitely trying my best, mostly for them, to not get ahead of myself and we both actively try to not jump the gun as to not put too much on their plate.

justbeingme93

I really like what @bethsmiles said about discussing a timeline with your bf. It is important that you don't let wedding talk consume your conversations; you don't want to overwhelm him or pressure him. Just talk openly with him. Explain that an engagement and marriage is something you have previously discussed, but you are interested in discussing it a little more seriously. 

Additionally, you need to consider the kids. Talk with your bf about the family dynamic that you think is best before and after marriage. What role will you play in his children's lives. 

You said that you have tried not thinking about it. Well, we all know that tactics like that are really quite difficult. I know a lot of people on here have said to consider a new hobby and keep yourself busy. However, in my personal experience, I know if you have been bit by the crazy bug...there isn't really any hobby that is going to distract you. You have to come to terms with your own emotions. Take time to reflect and consider the root of why you want to get married. Ask yourself if he is truly the man that you would like to spend the rest of your life with. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is he a good man?

2. Are you financially ready?

3. Does he have a temper?

4. Is your communication open and honest?

5. How will the family dynamic change?

6. Are you settling on this man, or is he the man that is truly meant for you?

7. What role will you play in the household? Will he expect you to fulfill certain duties? Will you expect him to fulfill certain household duties? 

8. Do you BOTH want more children? 

Just really sit down and contemplate your relationship seriously. I know these are all things you have probably thought about, but they are questions that you should personally reflect on more than once before an engagement and marriage. Additionally, you might find that pre-marital counseling could benefit your relationship. 

As I noted previously, I know that picking up a new hobby is not something that would keep me from "obsessing" about a future engagement and marriage. Do you have a pinterest account? If you don't, you are missing out on some fun non-judgemental kind-of-sort-of wedding planning. Use that sight or this sight to release some of your anxious excitement. Know that your day will come when it is the right time (a super difficult idea to come to terms with..i know). I have a feeling that he will propose sooner rather than later, so just sit tight and dream for now. Also, the ladies on these boards are totally here for you! We can help you get through your bad BSC days.  

By the way, WELCOME! 

megso16

@justbeingme93‌ thank you!

Those are all definitely really good things to think about, some have been discussed between us (a lot about family dynamic, where I fit in with the girls, more kids, who expects/needs what), but they're absolutely worth thinking about in depth.

We talk here and there about wedding/engagement. I try not to bring it up even close to as often as my brain does, I don't (like anyone) enjoy feeling like I'm nagging. Especially about a large decision like this.

I do have pinterest! I have a board called "crazy chick wedding board", but I've found that if I spend too much time looking at wedding things, I catch myself getting more wrapped up than I'm comfortable doing so when we're not actually engaged. As far as picking up a hobby, I just started attempting to knit my newest niece a blanket and found myself on the couch, very focused on whether I was doing it right or not. Still better than trying to make penguins out of tiny rubber bands haha.

I think last night was a BSC moment, probably fueled by extreme boredom at work. But, they happen and I wholeheartedly appreciate all of the advice! I woke up this morning and kind of just went "wait...why am I rushing this? It doesn't have a negative impact on our relationship that it hasn't happened yet." I found out yesterday, after 4 solid days of all-consuming fear, that the lump my doctor had found was NOT a tumor and I think the whole experience just made me a little (very) antsy about things.