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LizzyTish88

Sex, Bay-bee. 

Last night BF and I were going at it and right at the climax, we had a hilarious moment. It went something like, hair pull, ass slap, "fuck!" "WOOF!!" Tessie does not like the sexy-time and she goes nuts barking every time. It's pretty funny, and we laugh every time but last night's timing couldn't have been more perfect. 

So fellow NEYers.. what's your funny sex stories? 

beanbot2002

no joke, when I read the title I sang it and added the "sex, baby" and was going to make a joke about it. But hey! That's what it's about after all! So yay for like minded women! 

My funniest moment? Farting while climaxing. Yep. I'm THAT person. We laughed so hard we had tears streaming down our faces.

[Deleted User]

My H's parents have a King Cavalier (I don't know the spelling) and he is really funny in general. He is constantly seeking attention and if you stop petting him, he looks like he is about to explode.

So one night, H and I were puppy sitting Murray (the dog's name) and we started to get it on. Well Murray likes to sleep in the same room as you and sometimes even on your bed. Well, as we were going at it...Murray decides to jump up on the bed and sit next to my face as close as he could get and just watch us. It was the most creepy and awkward moment I've ever had but we couldn't stop laughing about it because the dog was being such a creeper. It was hilarious! His eyes were like bugging out of his head lol!

buddysmom80

@southernpeach89 I know that story all too well with Cavaliers!

When we want to get it on, we have to kick all of the animals out of the bedroom. Quigley goes complete dead weight because he doesn't want to leave. Then the whole time he's whining. If I stop talking, making noises, whatever, he'll bark so the whole time I have to make some sort of noise or conversation.

Buddy bit FI's toe once during sex, that killed the mood.

Blackbird230

With the new place I moved into, I now live with two dogs (Maltese/Schnauzer mixes). The first time FI and I had sex at the new place, the dogs constantly barked outside. They still do, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I have the LOUDEST mattress ever. It's so squeaky.

Also the other day, FI decided to do it with his new cowboy boots on. It was all good during, but after, he went on about how hard it was to get good leverage in them. 

[Deleted User]

@buddysmom80- Too funny! It's like the end of the world if you kick them out of your room lol.

ShallowSeas

We make sure we close the bedroom door because my cat likes to come in and be awkward. The last time we didn't shut the door, she came in the room, jumped up on the bed and started rubbing her face and whiskers on my face right in the middle of sex. I was not amused  -_-

ETA: Forgot about this one: For Halloween FI and I dressed up as the Joker and Harley Quinn...white, red, and black face paint and all. When we got home from the party, FI was all about having sex while in our costumes/face paint, so we did. Let me just tell you how much of a hot mess we looked like afterwards o_O  smeared make-up everywhere and my hands were green because we had used green hairspray in his hair and since I'm a hair puller...my hands looked like the Hulk.

ShallowSeas

TwoDimes said:

Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach, do not read this!

When FI (then BF) and I had been together for about a year and a half, he came down with some kind of illness. He was sick for over a week, and then he finally started feeling better. I went over to his apartment to visit him, and he was really horny after not doing anything all week. The thought crossed my mind, "Maybe we should hold off on sex for a few more days until we're sure this illness is completely gone..." but he assured me that he was feeling much better, so we started getting it on.

Toward the end, BF was starting to look... green. The beauty of this story is that BF was on top, so I saw the whole thing coming (pun not intended!). When he finished, I saw a distinct look of panic in his eyes. Apparently, the involuntary muscle spasm of finishing made him lose what little control he had established over his stomach. So just when he lost control during sex, he also lost control... of his bowels. I smelled it before I felt it. I felt it before I saw it. And it wasn't until I saw it that it finally hit me: BF had just shit on me. During sex.

BF looked like he was about to cry, and he hadn't said a word. I just busted out laughing, because it was too ridiculous to even think of something to say. We hopped in the shower to clean off, and took all his bedding out to the dumpster. Needless to say, now we are a lot more careful about doing the deed if either one of us is feeling under the weather.

We joke that if we can get through that, we can get through anything!

YOU WIN.

LizzyTish88

@TwoDimes.. OMG!! I think I would have done the same and laughed but I would NEVER let BF live it down. 

I was sick late last year and I ended up having my gallbladder out. While I was recovering I had to go to the Dr. to have a check up. I still wasn't feeling good and driving out of the office I knew I had to go. There were no close bathrooms at the Dr. office so I thought I could make it a quarter mile down the road to Target. Got to the lights in front of Target and couldn't hold it any more due to the soreness in my stomach from the surgery. I called BF hysterically laughing and saying things such as "but I'm in YOGA PANTS! How do I clean this up?!? I still get teased about it. 

[Deleted User]

@caseface5 I had a moment like that back when I was in high school. I had ate something bad while I was at a swim meet and I had a relay event coming up. I knew that if I jumped in the water that it was all going to come out. I was a nervous wreck because they only had one bathroom stall and there was a line. 

Luckily, last minute a girl asked me to trade relay's with her and her's wasn't until the end of the meet so I told my mom that it was an emergency that we needed to get home NOW. On the way home, I was literally crying in the backseat because I was about to have some sort of disaster in my bathing suit. I sprint into the bathroom once we get home and it's coming out while I'm running. OH MY GOSH I was so relieved to get in that bathroom lol.

eilis1228

@TwoDimes I just laughed so hard I cried. Oh. my. god. You guys win at life.

We've had a couple of goofy experiences while having sex. BF's really into watching my facial expressions. A lot of times I'll look at him in the middle of it, and he's just staring at me with a really sweet look on his face. I decided to return the favor one night and just as he was climaxing, I looked down at him and said (apparently in a deep voice), "LET ME SEE YOUR FACE!" Freaked him out hahaha. He had the saddest look ever on his face. It was so funny.

BF will also sometimes say weird shit in the middle of sex just to troll me. He'll start talking like Gollum and say stuff like, "FUCK ME IN THE ASS!" Or he'll get a really southern accent going and say stuff like, "Come into me, Jesus!" I usually laugh so hard we have to stop for a few minutes.

...yeah. Fun times. 

Blackbird230

@TwoDimes, you win. I don't even know how I would handle that!

labro

Jeez everyone wins today...but especially @TwoDimes! I don't know how I would've handled that.

FI and I don't have any funny sex stories to compete with anyone else! Our dog ignores us and just goes to sleep. FI has farted a few times during sex but we just laugh and keep going.

On the topic of shitting your pants. Me, @southernpeach89, and my mom have an ongoing joke about having to poop while running. We'll scream "GET OUT OF MY WAY GET OUT OF MY WAY" when we come inside from a run and rush to the bathroom. There have definitely been a few really close calls! Having to poop while running is absolutely the worst feeling in the world!

csousa1

I saw the bat-signal for funny/awkward sex stories and came in here all like

 

And then I read @TwoDimes story. ALL the win. So I'm tapping out.

LizzyTish88

Aw @csousa1!  I was counting on you and @loves2shop4shoes to have some epic stories...

csousa1

Hahaha, for you @caseface5, I will play. Even though nothing can top Dumpgasm.

 

1) ExBF J and I were going at it in my bed, getting really into it. We had scratched the shit out of our hardwood floor in the bedroom because we moved the bed around so much during sex, but what we were NOT expecting was for one entire side of the bed to just give up on life and the whole thing to crash to the floor, making us roll in a giggling heap to the ground. Once there, we kept going.

 

2) ExBF W, we had just started dating and we were very intoxicated. We tackled each other to the ground and went at it, in the middle of which I picked my head up too quickly and slammed into his face. The next day he had a sprained ankle and a chipped front tooth, which he had to have fixed. Having sex with me is dangerous.

 

3) ExBF J came to visit me at work when I was a server at a restaurant. I was on break, so we decided to fool around in his truck a little bit before I went back in to work. He was parked in the corner of the parking lot where no one could see....I thought. I walk back in to see another server and my BOSS laughing their asses off, because they went out back to have a cigarette and apparently had a full view of my head bobbing up and down through his windshield. I also once would not cease road head on this same ex while we were driving through a toll booth....oops.

 

4) ExBF J, having sex in the shower. I was bent over, with him behind me. During a particularly good moment, I arched my back....apparently a little to vehemently. When I did that and pushed against him, he lost his footing - arms swinging, grabbing wildly at the shower curtain - and ended up on the bathroom floor wearing the shower curtain like a cape.

 

5) ExBF M - my friend was dating his roommate, and we would argue over who got to use the room. So we figured we were geniuses when we had the idea to put up a sheet partition between the beds and turn on music really loud while we fooled around. One such time I am doing my thing on his downstairs, and a song I LOVED came on. I'm 99.9% sure it was The Seed 2.0 by The Roots.  I start bobbing along, and realized I'm fellatio-ing to the beat, and it makes me laugh. Ladies....never ever EVER start laughing when you have a dick in your mouth. Ever. I start laughing so hard that I start choking, which makes me laugh even more, then more choking, until I am literally starting to see stars and I'm sure my mother is going to find out I died with a penis in my mouth. So I sit up, and tears and snot are pouring out of my facial orifices and ExBF M has NO IDEA why I am expiring right there in front of him, but he knows I need some kind of help. So, wearing nothing but a white t-shirt, his manhood flapping in the breeze, he goes tear-assing out of his room to the bathroom to get me water/tissues/life support. Meanwhile the PARTY THAT IS GOING ON in his living room has full view of my boyfriend's junk and me in the background sitting on his bed, gasping and dying, with mascara running down my life. Needless to say neither of us lived that one down for the rest of our relationship.

 

 

I'm sure I have more, there is such a large library of debauchery in this brain.

 

loves2shop4shoes

DH smelly farted during a BJ once.  That ended the BJ.  The stench was just too great.

Also, one time he was going down on me and the cat jumped on top of me and licked the top of his head.  It was so awkward.

Pepperally

My FI has quite a repertoire of voices...alter egos if you will...some not so politically correct.  He will be talking in a weird voice and say "oh my god, I just annoyed myself with that one."  Sometimes he will be talking in one of his voices and threaten to talk that way during sex sometime.  Well, one day, he followed through with that one and was talking to me in a very hilarious voice...and of course we could not continue since we were laughing so hard. 

One time, after sex, I've never laughed so hard...I lived in an apartment with a balcony overlooking the woods.  He always wanted to flush the condoms but I already had toilet problems and didn't want to have to call maintenance to have them fish condoms out of the drain, so he was forbidden from doing that.  So what does he decide to do one time instead of just throwing it in the garbage?  He takes the condom and whips it off of my balcony into the woods.  Except, there were power lines that also ran right there, and the damn condom got hung up on the power line...dangling right across from my balcony.  Luckily it fell but I was laughing so hard from him standing there naked watching him whip the condom out into the great beyond.  I'm just glad it fell off the line or I'd have to stare at his used condom every day. 

LizzyTish88

OMG @Csousa1... dying in silence at my desk. Thank you!

FoxandBunny

The only story I have is of BF's cat interrupting us. She was sound asleep in the corner, and we were about halfway through when suddenly BF made a noise. I asked what was wrong, and he said he couldn't move his leg. Turns out, she had jumped up on the bed and laid down on his leg, essentially pinned us down with the blanket due to where she was. And then she wouldn't get up. So we were basically trapped there until we made her annoyed enough to leave. We kept going and finished, but we were laughing the whole time about how ridiculous the cat was.

There have been other times where she tries to get under the blanket while we were in the middle of it too. That was awkward.

Hummingbird125

Okay, I have a story.

When I was a camp counselor we CHERISHED our days/nights off, and we had no shame in where we had sex. With only 27 hours of free time every ten days, you had to do it when/where you could. On one such day off, I had the guy I was "dating" in my car, along with another guy and girl, and one other guy who was very much a loner. My brakes stopped working correctly before we even left town, so we were stuck. Not wanting to go back to camp when we didn't have to, we got a room at the creepiest/oldest motel I've ever stayed in.

So, we go out for a few drinks and eventually make our way back to the motel room. Me and my guy in one bed, the other couple in the other bed, and the poor 5th wheel guy on the floor between the two beds, with headphones on. We turn off the lights, and start fooling around. Before long, I'm on top, and the guy in the other bed (who was obviously fooling around with the girl) says something like "Wow - you don't take any time to warm up, do you?" His English accent made it hilarious, so I just laughed and kept going. It was too dark to see details, but you could see silhouettes in the darkness. The guys would NOT stop talking to each other, and made jokes comparing positions, etc. the whole time we were doing it. Anyways, me and my guy finish, and he gets up and decided to make flaming shots for him and the other guy to drink, and he literally stood at the end of their bed encouraging them to finish so they could take their shots. The girl gets annoyed and shoves or kicks my guy, who DROPS one of the shots onto a blanket that had been thrown to the floor. That cheap, synthetic blanket immediately blew up in flames, which finally causes the guy on the floor to remove his headphones and and yell "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??!!" and storm out of the room. I run, naked, to the bathroom to fill up a trashcan with water and dump it on the blanket. The four of us stood around, naked, until the flames were put out. The last guy spent the rest of the night sleeping in the car. Good times.

beanbot2002

@TwoDimes and @CSousa1

 I'm at my desk trying not to laugh out loud because (and I'm not kidding) I got in trouble for laughing...at my desk...on my break, earlier this week. I wish I was making that up.

lavenderfields13

I can't think of anything especially hilarious but I'm glad to know my cat isn't the only one who makes sex really awkward. We had to start locking her out when we go to the bedroom to get it on.

Pepperally

My cat is nowhere to be found when we have sex.  My dog senses we are about to get it on in bed and she runs and hides under the bed before we can kick her out of the room.  Then she emerges as soon as we're done.