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Etiquette

Is it appropriate ask my MOH about the bachelorette party if she hasn't said anything?

I am getting married in MD this October. My MOH has started planning my bridal shower for August but hasn't mentioned a bachelorette party. The shower will take place in MD where I am from originally, but I currently live in NC. It would be extremely helpful to have the bachelorette party take place the same weekend of the shower to save me and some of the out of state guests another trip to MD.

I am wondering if it is appropriate to bring up the bachelorette party with my MOH. If I mention it, I don't want it to come across that I expect her to plan a bachelorette party, but she hasn't mentioned anything about it. I don't know if she is able or interested in planning one. I am also concerned that if it is planned too late/people find out about it too late, very few people will be able to attend because of vacations, etc. in August. Anyone coming from out of state also needs enough advance notice to be able to attend.

I would appreciate feedback on the etiquette concerning this.

Thanks!  

Re: Is it appropriate ask my MOH about the bachelorette party if she hasn't said anything?

  • I would think that your MOH is a good friend of yours and you could easily say "hey girl, I was thinking about having a bachelorette.  Don't know if this was on your radar yet, but let's you and I arrange something for the weekend of the shower so that people don't have to travel twice.  Whaddya say?!"  
  • Umm, no, do not ask her/cajole her into planning the b-party. 

    She's planning your shower; let the poor girl (and her wallet) rest! Not to mention, my b-party was a destination b-party and it was planned in less than a month; there's time.

    I understand you really one want and you want a good turnout, but a b-party is a gift. Expressing your desire for an unnecessary gift isn't appropriate. 
    image
    ashley8918Blue_Bird
  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    No. She's trowing you a shower, that's awesome! And also not her job. Neither is throwing you a bach party. If she does, yay how nice! If she doesn't, get over it. I get you want one, but a bach party is a gift, not a requirement.
    image
    doeydo
  • I would recommend not saying anything and also steeling yourself for the possibility that she's not going to plan a bachelorette party. Enjoy your bridal shower and lucky you if there ends up being a bachelorette party too- fun! I think it's best if you leave that completely up to your friends, details and all. It might not end up being planned in the same way that you would have planned it but you get to plan the details for them when it's their turn for a bachelorette. If they want some input from you on dates, places, etc they will ask you. I know it's (super!) hard but try to relax.
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
    Blue_Bird
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Don't say anything.  Any way you say this, it will come across like you are expecting/ asking her to plan the b-party.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    doeydo
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I agree with PPs. It is absolutely not appropriate to bring this up to her. You are not entitled to a bach party. If someone offers to throw you one, great! If not, yoo don't get one. It's not really a big deal.
    doeydo
  • bopple321 said:
    I would think that your MOH is a good friend of yours and you could easily say "hey girl, I was thinking about having a bachelorette.  Don't know if this was on your radar yet, but let's you and I arrange something for the weekend of the shower so that people don't have to travel twice.  Whaddya say?!"  
    I just want to mention this for lurkers that might not know why the above isn't the best idea.

    A bride should not plan her own bachelorette party (It's in bad taste to throw a party in one's own honor, especially one that often involves gifts and or people buying the bride dinner/drinks/entertainment).
    This exact scenario would also put the MOH in a really uncomfortable situation if she wasn't planning on throwing a b-party. The bride comes up to and says "Let's do this!" and it's really hard to say no without feeling like a jerk. You wouldn't want to put a good friend into the situation where she either has to say yes despite not wanting to, or saying no and feeling like a jerk.

    OP, if she brings up a party, feel free to offer the suggestion of when to have it. But if she doesn't, I would just let it go.


    Though... OP... you mentioned:
    "It would be extremely helpful to have the bachelorette party take place the same weekend of the shower to save me and some of the out of state guests another trip to MD."

    Do you have friends in NC (or elsewhere) that are planning on going to MD for your shower? If they haven’t already told you that they are planning to travel to your out-of-state shower, I would temper that expectation. I've never gone to an out-of-state bridal shower, ever. Weddings yes but not the showers. In the end, getting these events in the same place may be less of an issue than you're worrying about.
    HysilvinialithibelBlue_Bird
  • OK, so this is a little different idea.

    I would probably do something like this:

    "Hey, I'm super excited about the shower, thank you so much for putting it together. Did you plan on doing a bachelorette? It's totally not a problem if you aren't, I just wanted to let some people know since a few people asked."

    This will let you know if she is up for it or not.

    The reason I think this approach is good is based on my FI bach-party issue. His BM totally wanted to plan something, but didn't tell anyone or give any dates. About 2-months before the wedding another guy decided to take point and organize something without touching base with the BM. It was really awkward the BM was like WTF I totally had something planned. It caused for some hurt feelings.
    CrazyCatLady3
  • kgd7357 said:
    OK, so this is a little different idea.

    I would probably do something like this:

    "Hey, I'm super excited about the shower, thank you so much for putting it together. Did you plan on doing a bachelorette? It's totally not a problem if you aren't, I just wanted to let some people know since a few people asked."

    This will let you know if she is up for it or not.

    The reason I think this approach is good is based on my FI bach-party issue. His BM totally wanted to plan something, but didn't tell anyone or give any dates. About 2-months before the wedding another guy decided to take point and organize something without touching base with the BM. It was really awkward the BM was like WTF I totally had something planned. It caused for some hurt feelings.

    This still puts her on the spot. It is different than your FI's situation. Because the MOH is telling peeps about the shower arrangements, I see it as very unlikely that she'd be planning another party without telling those arrangements.

    OP, if anyone does ask you about b-party just be honest and say something like, "I don't know if there will be a b-party; no one has offered to throw one." If anyone else is interested in hosting one they'll prob let you and/or MOH know.
    ashley8918doeydolc07
  • Don't say anything to your MOH about a b-party. If she wants to plan one she will. By saying something to her you are implying that your expect her to plan one which she is not required to do. Enjoy your shower that your MOH is graciously hosting and forget about the b-party.  
    ashley8918doeydo
  • I'm going to go against the grain here and say it's okay to casually bring it up *provided* that you offer to help with planning and offer to finance it, so she doesn't feel on the spot if she can't afford another party.  Yes, a b-party is thrown in one's honor, but it is not traditionally a gift-giving thing, and if you are willing to finance it so that no one feels obligated, I think it's okay. 
    At that point you may find that she or other BMs want to chip in for it anyway. 
  • No, don't say anything to her.

    If your friends come in town for your shower (which I'm assuming is in the afternoon), most would probably be up for grabbing a few drinks in the evening post-shower.  There's no need to utter the word "bachelorette" to have some fun with your girls when you find yourself in town together.

    So I wouldn't say anything in advance, but at the tail end of the shower I might ask if anyone would want to do something later.  Again that's only appropriate if it's asked like you're all in town for your siblings graduations or something, terms like "hang out" or "girls night" are appropriate, bringing up a "bachelorette" event is not.
    [Deleted User]aurianna
  • kgd7357 said:

    OK, so this is a little different idea.

    I would probably do something like this:

    "Hey, I'm super excited about the shower, thank you so much for putting it together. Did you plan on doing a bachelorette? It's totally not a problem if you aren't, I just wanted to let some people know since a few people asked."

    This will let you know if she is up for it or not.


    SITB--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Yeah, no.  Don't say anything to her.  "A few people" didn't ask anything - you are.  And even if "a few people" really were curious, they'd know to ask the MOH (or whoever's in charge of potentially planning it), not you.  As a bride, you can't ask for or throw yourself these auxiliary parties.    
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Mr. Bean Flipping the Bird
  • Just accept that some things may/may not happen.
    To the best of my knowledge, I won't have a shower. Which is fine.
    But my best girls hit me up the other day and started asking about possible bachelorette ideas. And I think that's fantastic. Let them do what they want to do. Don't push.
  • Sometime people really do ask the bride or groom about pre wedding parties. I had to field several questions. Fortunately my MOH gave me lots of info up front, so it was easy. Another girl offered to throw me a b-party, which I said, "my MOH has it covered!" What if she hadn't told me? It would have been super awkward. Also a reason I hate surprise b-parties. Sure, leave out major details, but tell me when and where!
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I have to shamelessly go against the grain too.

    Frankly, I don't give a shit about a shower, but was all about the bachelorette. My friends and I practically plan bachelorettes before we're even engaged.  And seriously, honest question, no matter what age you are, who doesn't want to spend time having fun with their girlfriends?  

    While I agree that you can't put the MOH on the spot, do you have other bridesmaids who have mentioned anything?  Can you drop hints, like, "So I was at this piano bar and there were so many bachelorette parties there! They were having so much fun. What a cool idea...."   

    I wonder if MOH's who don't offer up parties right away do so because they are worried the Bride's expectations are too high.  Have you ever talked about how much you'd love [insert cheap, local idea here]?  

    At the end of the day, everyone is 100% correct that if no one offers, you're up a creek. But I have a hard time believing that if it's important to you, your nearest and dearest wouldn't have a clue and/or would refuse to do something.  For the love of God, go to someone's apartment with 2-buck Chuck and some chick flicks. 
    ________________________________


  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It is rude to ask someone if they are planning a party in your honor. Period.
    Blue_BirdZhabeegoashley8918Marzipan13
  • I have to shamelessly go against the grain too.

    Frankly, I don't give a shit about a shower, but was all about the bachelorette. My friends and I practically plan bachelorettes before we're even engaged.  And seriously, honest question, no matter what age you are, who doesn't want to spend time having fun with their girlfriends?  

    While I agree that you can't put the MOH on the spot, do you have other bridesmaids who have mentioned anything?  Can you drop hints, like, "So I was at this piano bar and there were so many bachelorette parties there! They were having so much fun. What a cool idea...."   

    I wonder if MOH's who don't offer up parties right away do so because they are worried the Bride's expectations are too high.  Have you ever talked about how much you'd love [insert cheap, local idea here]?  

    At the end of the day, everyone is 100% correct that if no one offers, you're up a creek. But I have a hard time believing that if it's important to you, your nearest and dearest wouldn't have a clue and/or would refuse to do something.  For the love of God, go to someone's apartment with 2-buck Chuck and some chick flicks. 

    I can't see how a bachelorette or shower would be that important to someone. There is no polite way to ask about or hint around at this. Period. And frankly, the original post and those agreeing with it sound very entitled. if having a girls' night out is that important then ask your girls to go out one night! But I'm assuming that's not good enough since you wouldn't be the center of attention in that case.

    OP- your MOH sounds like she's planning a very nice bridal shower for you. Appreciate that fact and get rid of any expectations or a b-party.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer



    I have to shamelessly go against the grain too.

    Frankly, I don't give a shit about a shower, but was all about the bachelorette. My friends and I practically plan bachelorettes before we're even engaged.  And seriously, honest question, no matter what age you are, who doesn't want to spend time having fun with their girlfriends?  

    While I agree that you can't put the MOH on the spot, do you have other bridesmaids who have mentioned anything?  Can you drop hints, like, "So I was at this piano bar and there were so many bachelorette parties there! They were having so much fun. What a cool idea...."   

    I wonder if MOH's who don't offer up parties right away do so because they are worried the Bride's expectations are too high.  Have you ever talked about how much you'd love [insert cheap, local idea here]?  

    At the end of the day, everyone is 100% correct that if no one offers, you're up a creek. But I have a hard time believing that if it's important to you, your nearest and dearest wouldn't have a clue and/or would refuse to do something.  For the love of God, go to someone's apartment with 2-buck Chuck and some chick flicks. 




    I can't see how a bachelorette or shower would be that important to someone. There is no polite way to ask about or hint around at this. Period. And frankly, the original post and those agreeing with it sound very entitled. if having a girls' night out is that important then ask your girls to go out one night! But I'm assuming that's not good enough since you wouldn't be the center of attention in that case.



    OP- your MOH sounds like she's planning a very nice bridal shower for you. Appreciate that fact and get rid of any expectations or a b-party.

    This is absolutely a fair assessment. For me, it wasn't about being the center of attention per se. It's very difficult to get everyone you care about in one place at the same time, particularly as we get older and lead individual lives. These days, the only way to get together in a big group is for Life Events. People make an effort for Life Events, but less so random Saturday nights. For me, we did a night of dinner and dancing, nothing crazy or expensive. No gifts. It was amazing to have just those girls I love there. No strangers, no acquaintances, no significant others, just people I care about all having a blast. This is less selfish, I think, than wanting a party for people to sit with snacks while opening gifts of kitchen tools. Everybody has fun; everyone wins. You don't even get that at your own wedding. That small party was really important to me.

    ________________________________


  • vt&dtvt&dt member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Not OK to ask about it (or really, to hint at it). Showers and Bachelorette parties are NOT a requirement, they're a gift.
  • No. She's trowing you a shower, that's awesome! And also not her job. Neither is throwing you a bach party. If she does, yay how nice! If she doesn't, get over it. I get you want one, but a bach party is a gift, not a requirement.

    THIS. No one (MOH, bridal party, or other) is required to throw any party! There is no laundry list of "must-do's" and you should not expect (or hint around at) wanting one. Plan an after-shower get together. But it's just that. A get together. If someone wants to plan a bachelorette party for you, they will.
  • Ok so honest, non-trolling question here.  I'm totally on board with the whole idea of "showers/b-parties are gifts" and are not to be expected, but I keep hearing over and over people saying "you can never throw a party in your own honor"...

    So is every birthday party ever thrown a huge etiquette no-no?  Or is this rule just wedding-applicable?  I'm genuinely curious. 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2014
    Ok so honest, non-trolling question here.  I'm totally on board with the whole idea of "showers/b-parties are gifts" and are not to be expected, but I keep hearing over and over people saying "you can never throw a party in your own honor"...

    So is every birthday party ever thrown a huge etiquette no-no?  Or is this rule just wedding-applicable?  I'm genuinely curious. 
    I think birthday parties are OK- but there is a big caveat here: The host should do that- HOST. I think it is a bit selfish when people book big, expensive restaurants for their birthday and then expect everyone to pay for themselves (and sometimes the birthday person too!). I know I may get blowback for this, and I of course go along when my friends plan it. But when it is the birthday boy/girl doing the inviting, they should maybe have people over to their house for drinks and snacks instead. Now, this is different if a friend says: "we are taking Susie out for her birthday, would you like to go in on this?". I realise this might not be what everyone thinks, but I also think birthday parties have gotten way out of control. I have friends who have done things like this: Portlandia Clip- Nina's Birthday
  • Ok so honest, non-trolling question here.  I'm totally on board with the whole idea of "showers/b-parties are gifts" and are not to be expected, but I keep hearing over and over people saying "you can never throw a party in your own honor"...

    So is every birthday party ever thrown a huge etiquette no-no?  Or is this rule just wedding-applicable?  I'm genuinely curious. 

    IMO planning and throwing your own birthday party is tacky and is the same as hosting your own shower, etc. as a child it's typically your parents hosting the party. Once I got older I was asked if I wanted a party or what I wanted to do. Usually I just went out with friends like any other night. Want to ask your friends to a movie or to hang out the night of your birthday? Go for it. But to plan an actual party is too much.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    LDay2014
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Throwing yourself a birthday party is tacky.
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