I know the whole point of a wedding party is for these people to stand by you...

hellosweetie1015

...but...

My FI's thoughtpath: he wants his groomsmen to be his father (as BM) and his best friend. However, he has not asked either of them. He doesn't want to take FFIL away from FMIL's side on this, their only child's only wedding. We actually chose to hire a photographer I know for this very reason - FMIL takes great, professional photos but neither of us want her to feel like she is required to take photos. (We want her to take all the photos she wants, absolutely, but we didn't want her to feel like it was her responsibility to take pictures.) And his BF - well, he would hate the attention and the standing up there while we said our vows, but he'd love the rest of the groomsmen stuff. 

My thoughtpath: my two sisters and my best friend all know they're going to be asked (although technically I haven't asked them either). However, I've been thinking, and as much as I love my maids, I want it to be myself and Ry up there and no one else. If I could get away without an officiant, it would just be us and NO officiant. (Nowhere in our four-state possible area allows such a thing.) 

Last Saturday (we only really get weekend time right now due to unfortunate-but-temporary circumstances), we were talking about his groomsmen, and how he was hesitating to ask the only two people who he really wanted. At which point I brought up the thoughts I'd been having, and realized that between the two it sounded like the perfect plan to have our wedding party seated in places of honor in the audience rather than the traditional line of ladies and gents fanned out behind us. 

I was wondering if anyone had ever given the concept any thought, or if the idea is just such a huge faux pas that we should avoid it at all costs - even if that means going against what we want and what we think is right for the people we want to include. (I do realize that it's not exactly the best plan.)

manateehugger

If they aren't going to actually be a part of the ceremony, I don't understand how the will be your wedding party. Are they still going to process/recess down the aisle? I'd be very annoyed to be asked to be a bridesmaid, purchase attire, and then just sit there like any other guest during the ceremony. If you don't want people to stand by you/be a part of the ceremony, I don't understand why you want a wedding party. 

If he decides not to ask anyone to be a groomsman (and that should be 100% his decision - you need to stay out of it), and you still don't want bridesmaids, simply don't have a wedding party. You can still hang out with your friends, get great pictures, etc. You can also have just groomsmen and no bridesmaids or vice versa.

But I think if you aren't going to have them formally fill the role of the wedding party in some way during the ceremony, it's best not to ask. 

hellosweetie1015

Well, honestly, the size of the wedding I'm looking at, it's unlikely that *I* will process. They would recess with us, though, certainly. The whole point of a wedding party, I thought, was to ask those people who you wished to honor as being significant to your journey to who and where you are.

hellosweetie1015

(Correct me if I'm wrong, by all means.)

KGold80

The wedding party stands up front with you and typically has to purchase special clothing and what-not. Otherwise, they are just honored guests....not a wedding party. You can find other ways to honor them - maybe ask them to do readings during your ceremony? It's weird to have your wedding party sitting with the other guests during the ceremony.

By "process", do you mean you won't walk down the aisle? That's fine too...but does that mean you'll just enter through a side door, or will you walk down the aisle with your fiance?

hellosweetie1015

I mean I will likely be at the altar with FI as guests come in. (And by "likely", I mean "that's what I'd like". I don't think I'll get away with it, frankly.)

manateehugger

CaitTDid23 said:

Well, honestly, the size of the wedding I'm looking at, it's unlikely that *I* will process. They would recess with us, though, certainly. The whole point of a wedding party, I thought, was to ask those people who you wished to honor as being significant to your journey to who and where you are.

You're not wrong. Even being a standard guest is an honor because you've been asked to witness a special moment. 

But I think asking people to purchase special attire but not also not to process down the aisle and/or not to be next to you when you say your vows isn't much of a "special" honor, personally. Then it sounds like, "spend money and time, but don't actually be visually recognized during our ceremony!" you know what I mean? 

hellosweetie1015

IF I process, which I do not want to do but also unlikely to matter whether I want to or not, the bridesmaids would process with me. The groomsmen would likely be with FI until I got there, at which point the whole party would sit down.

If I don't process, my thought is that I'd have my sisters be escorted by his dad, then our best friends together, as a replacement for my lack of processional.

In either case, the recessional would include them.

I dunno, I haven't quite worked out the details yet.

tammym1001

I have been to quite a few weddings where the front rows are left empty and the bridal party sits there once the process in. Once the ceremony is over the stand up and walk back down the aisle after the bride and groom. I think that's an option, but I wouldn't have them just sitting randomly with the guests for two reasons: 1. Then there isn't really a point for them to be in the bridal party because nobody is really going to know. 2. It would be way too hard to have them walk out after you if they are scattered all over the place.

mysticl

CaitTDid23 said:

I mean I will likely be at the altar with FI as guests come in. (And by "likely", I mean "that's what I'd like". I don't think I'll get away with it, frankly.)

The groom usually doesn't get to the alter until after the guests are all seated.  If you decide to stand at the alter while people are filtering in you could be standing there for a long time.  Also, it could be really confusing to your guests who are wondering why you are standing up there and nothing is happening.  

misshart00

mysticl said:

CaitTDid23 said:

I mean I will likely be at the altar with FI as guests come in. (And by "likely", I mean "that's what I'd like". I don't think I'll get away with it, frankly.)

The groom usually doesn't get to the alter until after the guests are all seated.  If you decide to stand at the alter while people are filtering in you could be standing there for a long time.  Also, it could be really confusing to your guests who are wondering why you are standing up there and nothing is happening.  

This. I don't have a problem with your plans, but I'm very confused by them.

hellosweetie1015

Frankly, so am I. Which is probably really a sign that they aren't well-thought-out at all (and that I am in waaaay over my head with this planning business).

If we wind up in a church or something like that, then for sure it won't happen, because both moms will override my wishes anyway with “what traditional weddings do". But I was kind of seeing an oddball wedding, where we were already standing there with the officiant as our twenty-person guest list sat down, and then the five people in the wedding party came up and took seats up front/wherever they wanted. I mean, right now the guest list is my immediate family and his, and our best friends, and that's it. If it were to be any larger it would be completely off the table as an option anyway, so maybe it's just best for me to leave tradition alone and either have them standing or not have them, no matter what.

HappyAnjel

I think this is one of those details you are way over thinking. Is there a reason you are so against everyone walking down the aisle? It's like 2 minutes and will make everything that much less confusing.

dcaviston

Last October I was in a friend's wedding as a bridemaid, spent almost $300 on the dress and shoes she insisted we have. Only to get to the rehearsal and find out our only actual part of the wedding was to walk down the aisle then sit in the front pew. Only the maid of honor and best man stood up by the couple. I have to say I was rather pissed about this. I would have rather jsut been invited as a guest and spent the day with her that way and I know the other bridemaids (2 of which were the groom's sisters) felt the same way, if she had informed us of this when she asked we would have declined. We didn't feel like we were actually apart of the wedding, we werent even allowed to help her get dressed, like bridesmaids do or get our hair done together. IF you only want you and him up there then I would forgo the bridal party/ honored guest idea.

hellosweetie1015

I really don't want to piss anyone off. That's why I'm trying to figure out if it's even a viable option, or if I should just table the idea until I can't any more. The only reason I suggested it was because FI said he wanted his dad but didn't want to take him away from his mom, which I can totally understand. I just... I don't want to step on any toes with my wedding.

Maggie0829

CaitTDid23 said:

I really don't want to piss anyone off. That's why I'm trying to figure out if it's even a viable option, or if I should just table the idea until I can't any more. The only reason I suggested it was because FI said he wanted his dad but didn't want to take him away from his mom, which I can totally understand. I just... I don't want to step on any toes with my wedding.

I don't really get the bolded.  Your FI Dad would be away from his wife for maybe an hour to an hour and a half (and that is estimating on the high end).  Most likely your FI parents will be hanging out with him prior to the ceremony and while you are getting ready.  Then your FI Dad could escort his wife to her seat while he takes his position next to his son.  Then once the ceremony is over with family and wedding party pictures will be taken.  So at the most your Dad will have to be "away" (and I use quotes because his wife could be just standing off to the side watching the pictures being taken) from his wife for like 30 minutes.  It isn't like your FI Dad won't see his wife at all that day.

LondonLisa

If I saw your bridal party at your wedding sitting with the guests at the ceremony, I would think: "Wow, all those women wore the same dress, must be a really popular design" and not "that must be the bridal party". 

hellosweetie1015

@Maggie0829 It's really just that we want them to enjoy the wedding - both his parents and mine as well - and he knows that his parents would like to sit together, even if it's only going to be thirty minutes. I mean, I just want everyone involved to be happy. 

ETA: I'm new and confused, haha.

Maggie0829

CaitTDid23 said:

@Maggie0829 It's really just that we want them to enjoy the wedding - both his parents and mine as well - and he knows that his parents would like to sit together, even if it's only going to be thirty minutes. I mean, I just want everyone involved to be happy. 

ETA: I'm new and confused, haha.

If your FI is that close to his Father that he wants to ask him to be in his wedding party then I am pretty sure both his Father and his Mother will enjoy the wedding immensely.

I really think you and your FI are over thinking this.  Like a lot.

If your FI would like his Dad to be GM then ask him.  I am pretty sure that his Father would be truly touched by it and his Mom would probably think that it is very special and sweet that her son wants his Father to be a GM.  Unless she is a heartless bitch, I doubt she will be pissed because her H is standing 5 feet away from her rather then attached to her hip.

hellosweetie1015

Maggie0829 said:

If your FI would like his Dad to be GM then ask him.  I am pretty sure that his Father would be truly touched by it and his Mom would probably think that it is very special and sweet that her son wants his Father to be a GM.  Unless she is a heartless bitch, I doubt she will be pissed because her H is standing 5 feet away from her rather then attached to her hip.

Well, she certainly wouldn't be pissed. And yes, he'd be touched. But I think it's also that he would also want to be with her, because that's how they are. That's how they'd be happiest. Like, seriously, I have pretty much never seen them not holding hands or touching or something, except when she's taking pictures.

hellosweetie1015

Maggie0829 said:
I really think you and your FI are over thinking this.  Like a lot.

^^^This is highly possible.....

KGold80

If they would be happiest sitting together, then let FI's dad have just the honored role of being father of the groom. He'll still be in pictures...as will your FI's mother.

STARMOON44

The wedding party often sits in the front row during a Catholic wedding mass, sometimes joining the couple on the alter for just the vows.

With only 20 guests though I think you should just skip it. Sounds like a lot of fuss that doesn't really fit in with how you'd like the day to go.

[Deleted User]

My vote is for not having attendants.  Get your FH's dad and best friend boutanierres.  Get your best friend and sisters corsages.  Let them wear whatever they want, let them get dressed with you in the morning if you want, have a mani/pedi date with you a few days before the wedding if they want.  And I know you don't want to "process", but I think you should.  Process in with your FH at the moment your ceremony is scheduled to begin.  Instead of standing at the altar, wait in the back and walk in holding hands with your man.

It's ok to be different, just don't be confusing.

hellosweetie1015

@starmoon44 @adk19 Part of me really wants to skip it entirely, but my sisters and best friend would be sad, and my mother would be disappointed. And when we were talking about it last weekend, FI seemed bothered by the fact that he didn't know what was best to do. 

His parents are the only family he's currently sure he's inviting to the wedding - he's an only child, and grandparents are all passed on/not-in-picture, etc. - where my family is my parents, my brother, my sisters, and both my grandmothers. Our best friends are going to be invited as well, and his best friend's mom and dad. Obviously those are really squishy, since the wedding is so far away, but I just want to make sure that he has the support he's going to want and need, however he wants/needs it.

lilacck28

I've been a bridesmaid a few times. Both times, I bought the dress and was with the bride when she got ready. The getting ready together was the best part.  I would have been happy to walk down the aisle and then get to sit in the front row. I got tired standing up there in my heels. I do think I would have been annoyed to buy a particular dress but not even go down an aisle though. (I know you said if you have a wedding party, they would probably go down the aisle, but just in case.... I thought I should clarify the line that would annoy me, since sitting in front vs standing in front does not.) 

hellosweetie1015

lilacck28 said:

I've been a bridesmaid a few times. Both times, I bought the dress and was with the bride when she got ready. The getting ready together was the best part.  I would have been happy to walk down the aisle and then get to sit in the front row. I got tired standing up there in my heels. I do think I would have been annoyed to buy a particular dress but not even go down an aisle though. (I know you said if you have a wedding party, they would probably go down the aisle, but just in case.... I thought I should clarify the line that would annoy me, since sitting in front vs standing in front does not.) 

That would definitely be off the table then. Although I will not be asking them to buy matching dresses - I want them happy, and between the three of them I have an apple-person, a pear-person, and a stick-person, so getting a single dress that works for all three of them would be a DISASTROUS endeavor. 

We'd be getting ready together for sure, though. I don't think I would be allowed to get ready without them... I am lucky to have two matching shoes on without them, hahahaha. And I'll be ensuring that their "hurrs get did" - my brother's a Paul Mitchell stylist, so we'll have him doing all our hair before the ceremony. Makeup would be self-done, or my sister would do it. One girl can't have polish on her fingernails due to her job, but we'd all get pedicures together. The only thing I'd change is having them sit rather than stand. 

I dunno, if that's not likely to go over well, I'd rather not have the fight. The girls would be doing the same thing with me with or without the "bridesmaid" signifier, so if it's simpler to have them be "standard" guests rather than have a confuddled wedding party concept, I'd rather have the simplicity.

MairePoppy

The wedding party has sat in the front row at every single Catholic wedding that I've attended. So to me, your idea isn't strange at all. I think I would miss seeing everyone walk down the aisle, but it would be casually charming if  everyone was mingling before hand and you simply took your places to start the ceremony. 

If your fi decides to have his father as best man, FOG could sit with MOG until it's time to say the vows. He could stand by his son as his official witness. Likewise, the MOH could stand by you just for that part of the ceremony. 

You are correct that the main point of asking your friends to be in your wedding party is to honor the relationships.