Bridal shower -who throws it?

McCMal

Ok, so quick question

My FIs cousin is getting married in a week, and over the last month she has had four showers. One from her family, one from her FI's family, her friends threw her one and the church threw her one. Now I'm all for it, people can throw all the showers they want for her, but how people reacted in the family was expected. Needless to say, the older generation of ladies were grasping for their pearls and fainting. Ok, more like burning up phone lines and titter tattering. My future grandmother in law as well. 

Now the cousin is part of a very, very large and well known family in this very, very small community. Her wedding will be to the hilt, it's next week and I don't even know if I have a dress fancy enough to go to this shindig. Again, lots of titter tatter about that too. But this isn't about that, it has only brought to light something I didn't realize. And I'm only curious because my FMIL and aunt are throwing me a shower before our wedding, so I'm expecting a similar reaction. 

The older generation is aghast that she was given showers by her family. Apparently it is against etiquette for a bride's family to throw her a shower, it is supposed to be her girlfriends who do that. I was more under the impression that the bachelorette party was the girlfriends, and the shower the family's duty. Are they right? 

ETA- As I read this I realize it sounds a little like I'm mad or upset about the cousin's fancy wedding, but I mean it in a humorous way and am only using her circumstances as an example as to why the question came up. 

indianaalum

In "older" generations, it would be taboo for the mother to throw it, but I know many many people who have thrown the etiquette rule out the window ages ago. In fact, many people I know have showers thrown by their mothers or sisters.

The way I look at it, who ELSE is willing to spend that kinda money on someone?!? Throwing showers cost alot of money and oftentimes young MOH and Bridesmaid just can't afford that, so I certainly wouldn't judge who throws it unless it is thrown by themselves.

4 showers seems excessive to me, unless they each had completely separate guest lists. inviting someone to more than 1 shower is tacky

alpacalunch

From what I've read, family-thrown showers have been frowned upon because it would appear like they are asking for gifts. If it's hosted by someone who is not directly related to the couple, it's no longer taboo. 

However, since the whole point of a shower is to, y'know, shower the couple with gifts,

When it comes to all the pearl-clutching, I think it's a bit silly. The times, they are a-changing.

McCMal

@indianaalum I think there was some cross over, but only by maybe her sisters or mother or a cousin here or there. And she wasn't expecting them all, and the church went and did one even after the first three. She is just a very well known person from a well known family, so a lot of people wanted to throw her showers. 

@chrisandcait So it was and or is still a little taboo. Interesting. I'm glad that I got it cleared up, because obviously I was oblivious. Good to know that their pearl clutching at least is not unfounded. 

aurianna

It's no one's "duty" to throw a shower. Showers are gifts and a completely optional part of the wedding process. No one is required to throw one and anyone (aside from the couple, obviously) may offer.

Some people still side-eye the bride's mother for throwing one, but as PP said, even this is not really a big taboo anymore.

I will say though... 4 is a lot...  That, probably more so than who was throwing them, could have contributed to all the buzz.

Teddy917

That old rule (which no longer applies) from what I understand comes from when women got married straight out of their parents home. The mother was expected to prepare the daughter to be a wife and provide her with everything she would need. So the mother throwing the shower was pawning off the responsibility.

huskypuppy14

In my family and friends circle, usually the MOH or a sister or sister in law will throw the shower. Sometimes the mother is involved, but usually she is not listed as a hostess (if one is listed at all).

I financed and hosted my sister's shower.  I did get some input from my mom, but the only thing she did was buy the flowers for the shower. My mother didn't want to be the hostess maybe because my sister was right out of college, so still technically a dependent (I'm speculating here), and she was paying for my sister's entire wedding.

However, I have a feeling my mother paid for part of my shower, though my sister was the hostess.  (Just from comments that were made.) I have been independent from my parents for ten years now, so maybe it wasn't as taboo?

Anyway, my opinion is it's not taboo anymore, but some older generations will still side eye it.  OP, don't worry that your aunt and FMIL are throwing you a shower. That is fine.

offensivekitten2

Anybody who wants to throw the shower can. It used to be taboo for family to throw it because the bride used to live with her parents before marriage, and it looked shady to rake them all into one household.

Now that women have lives and jobs and shit, it's moot.

CMGragain

My daughter did not have a bridal shower.  I lived 2000 miles away, but I wouldn't have hosted one for her if it had been more practical.  I am traditional.
Often the shower is (was) hosted by a friend, or the bridal attendants.  This is traditional, but the attendants are under no obligation to do this.  Ditto with bachelorette parties, though they didn't have them in 1976 when I was a bride.
I think smaller towns tend to be more conservative.

ashleyep

huskypuppy14 said:

In my family and friends circle, usually the MOH or a sister or sister in law will throw the shower. Sometimes the mother is involved, but usually she is not listed as a hostess (if one is listed at all).

I financed and hosted my sister's shower.  I did get some input from my mom, but the only thing she did was buy the flowers for the shower. My mother didn't want to be the hostess maybe because my sister was right out of college, so still technically a dependent (I'm speculating here), and she was paying for my sister's entire wedding.

However, I have a feeling my mother paid for part of my shower, though my sister was the hostess.  (Just from comments that were made.) I have been independent from my parents for ten years now, so maybe it wasn't as taboo?

Anyway, my opinion is it's not taboo anymore, but some older generations will still side eye it.  OP, don't worry that your aunt and FMIL are throwing you a shower. That is fine.

I think that's how mine went. My sister (MOH) was listed as the host, but I know my mom paid for most of it.