Church ceremony?

larrygaga

We really want my sister marry us. However, FI's family is most likely not going to be happy and probably cause a huge drama fest if we don't get married in church. My sister is not a pastor or anything, and we don't even belong to a church. It has been suggested that we have her say a few words instead of marry us. We do believe in god, we just don't believe in how the church practices religion. I wouldn't mind getting married in a church, however, and sometime I think I would like to be married by a pastor more than my sister. Our original plan was to have our sister marry us in a non-church venue and have FI's uncle say the prayers and maybe a little sermon. Now we are thinking of doing the whole pastor/church thing. I'm worried that FIL's will be so upset if we don't. The problem is my sister already knows we wanted to ask her to be our officiant, because my mom has the biggest fucking mouth. My sister agreed to do it. (I won't be telling my mom anything about the wedding that isn't decor now) My sister is kind and understanding, and I think she would get it if we changed our minds. Especially if we told her the truth that we were unsure and that our big mouthed mother shouldn't have said anything. (I shouldn't have said anything to my mom, right? I knew better. lol) 

Basically, I want the best of both worlds and I don't think I can have it. I don't know if it's more important for a random pastor and a random church to join us in marriage, or someone who has been my teacher and friend and life coach my entire life. FI says he doesn't care either way. He would rather have my sister marry us. The church isn't important to us. God is important to us, but we think that too much of what the church says is hypocritical. We do want god involved in our ceremony. I think I should ask FI's parents if they think it is enough to have some prayers and a sermon. 

I thought this post would help me sort out my brain, but it's not. Can you guys give me any and all opinions/advice? I know ya'll are good at that.

mellyD2014

At the end of the day, you and your FI have to decide what's important to you. If it's important for you to have your sister marry you, and your fiance supports that and doesn't have strong feelings either way, then I would say that's what will make you happiest. On the other hand - if this will cause major strife between you and the inlaws, you may want to consider if that strife is worth the decision. I'm all about compromise, but at the end of the day you have to do what the two of you think is best. For some reference - I always wanted to get married outside under a big tree or in a garden. My fiance is very Catholic and it was a non-negotiable for him to get married in a church. That was a compromise I made because I knew it would make him happy and it was more important to him than my idea was to me. You'll make it work in the end - as long as you and your FI are on the same page, everything will work out!

thisismynickname2

So, I'm clear, YOU and YOUR FI don't want to be married in a church. This is you guy's decision and no one else's. 

It's entirely possible to incorporate common prayers into a non-church service. My FI and I are doing that.  He was married Catholic his first time and had the marriage annulled, but yet I can't bear to have a Catholic service because it feels like a do-over to me.  We still wanted religious elements, so we found someone who would incorporate Bible readings and prayers into our service. You don't need to be with a pastor/priest in a certain building just to pray at your wedding.  Our parents are fine with our choice and I hope that's an option that can work for you too.  

larrygaga

Thank you guys. FI just told me that it doesn't matter what his mother thinks. It's really only his mother that I worry about making mad. She fights us every step of the way, and I'm trying too hard to make her happy. We have a history of her hating me for no reason, and I finally got her to like me and we were on great terms. I'm so scared to have her hate me again. But I can't base all our wedding choices on what makes her happy. That's silly. I will have my sister marry us and his uncle say prayers, like we originally wanted. 

NYCMercedes

Please don't ask your FI's parents for their opinion. It's solely up to you two. Sister issues aside, you can rent a pastor to officiate for you at any venue. Universalist Unitarian ministers are frequently called to do this and to tailor the ceremony to your desires.

mysticl

If you don't belong to a church it might be difficult to find a pastor who is willing to marry you in his/her church.

sophhabobopha

I don't think that you should get married in a church just to appease FILs. That's a very personal decision. 

pinkshorts27

mysticl said:

If you don't belong to a church it might be difficult to find a pastor who is willing to marry you in his/her church.

If you look, depending on the area, it actually isn't that hard. We are getting married in Or and don't live there. I was looking at churches to hold ceremonies in and found half a dozen with in a 10 mile radius that allow you to rent their church and work with their pastor. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Would you want to compromise by having a rent-a-reverend marry you outside of a church? We're using this guy (clicky!), who belongs to a church in Canton but will go anywhere. He sent me his whole list of possible ceremony script pieces and prayers, and said I could put the service together however I wanted, including removing religious pieces or adding anything else. Very, very open-minded. Maybe your sister could give a reading.

(FWIW, FI's family is SUPERCATHOLIC but we haven't gotten a lot of push back besides one "are you SURE you don't want to be married in the Church? I can get you in at _____?"  We're getting married outside. His Catholic nun aunt is going to give the blessing at dinner.)

To echo PPs though, it's absolutely YOUR decision together, not FMIL's. I get not wanting to piss her off unnecessarily, but don't sacrifice your own beliefs for hers. I would caution against getting married in a church for sure... it can be perceived as incredibly hypocritical if you don't believe their doctrine.

JCbride2015

Yep, go with your original plan.  This is incredibly personal.

We are getting a lot of pressure from Fi's family to get married in a Catholic church.  Never mind that we aren't practicing Catholics, and his mom only goes to church once or twice a year.

Still, we aren't caving to the pressure.  The ceremony is one of those parts of the wedding where you can pull, "It's OUR DAY" and be totally in the right.

wandajune6

FI and I were raised with VERY different religious beliefs (Mexican Catholic vs. hippie Jewish-ish). His mom would clearly like us to get married in the church as would the rest of the family.

I put a stop to it by saying that I'd hate to get married with a ceremony that I don't believe in. I then asked how they would feel about a traditional Jewish wedding. Then I offered bean dip

That shut everyone up!

CMGragain

larrygaga said:

We really want my sister marry us. However, FI's family is most likely not going to be happy and probably cause a huge drama fest if we don't get married in church. My sister is not a pastor or anything, and we don't even belong to a church. It has been suggested that we have her say a few words instead of marry us. We do believe in god, we just don't believe in how the church practices religion. I wouldn't mind getting married in a church, however, and sometime I think I would like to be married by a pastor more than my sister. Our original plan was to have our sister marry us in a non-church venue and have FI's uncle say the prayers and maybe a little sermon. Now we are thinking of doing the whole pastor/church thing. I'm worried that FIL's will be so upset if we don't. The problem is my sister already knows we wanted to ask her to be our officiant, because my mom has the biggest fucking mouth. My sister agreed to do it. (I won't be telling my mom anything about the wedding that isn't decor now) My sister is kind and understanding, and I think she would get it if we changed our minds. Especially if we told her the truth that we were unsure and that our big mouthed mother shouldn't have said anything. (I shouldn't have said anything to my mom, right? I knew better. lol) 

Basically, I want the best of both worlds and I don't think I can have it. I don't know if it's more important for a random pastor and a random church to join us in marriage, or someone who has been my teacher and friend and life coach my entire life. FI says he doesn't care either way. He would rather have my sister marry us. The church isn't important to us. God is important to us, but we think that too much of what the church says is hypocritical. We do want god involved in our ceremony. I think I should ask FI's parents if they think it is enough to have some prayers and a sermon. 

I thought this post would help me sort out my brain, but it's not. Can you guys give me any and all opinions/advice? I know ya'll are good at that.

I am curious about why you think "the church" is hypocritical.  Which church and why?
Not all Christians believe the same things.  Not all churches preach the same ideas.  Perhaps it is only the one church you know that you dislike.
I think you should investigate other denominations before you make a final decision.  There might just be a church out there that agrees with your beliefs.  Please elaborate.  I think we need more information.