Father walked me down the aisle but...

kkanouff7

I asked my biological father to walk me down the aisle and he did. BUT... My dilemma is that my mom and step-father (and mother-in-law as well) helped financially and emotionally and watched our daughter all night and during any of the preparations that we had to do in the weeks before when i couldn't bring my 3 year old with me.  the whole time during the father daughter dances he was saying that HE should have had the first father daughter dance NOT my step-father (which i absolutely do not regret that decision no matter how much grief he gave me) and then when we were opening cards we found out that there wasn't even a card in the box from him and his wife (or her older kids she wanted us to invite for that matter).  If he was strapped for money i could understand but he is absolutely NOT - they both work - (he has a county job - salary is listed online and so i know what he makes) and they travel to NASCAR races several times a year all over the US.  I tried dancing with him again later night but he STILL talked about he should have had the first dance.... I really don't have ANY expectations for my father anymore.   I want to be the better person.  Oh yeah and from what i saw and others saw - his wife sat there the whole time not smiling except for 2 pictures (one in the photo booth and one the photographer took of the table) - she had the same look the night before during the rehearsal but at least this time she wasn't constantly on her cell phone texting or playing a game.  Anyway, should I give him and his wife a small photo book of the wedding or just give them a "thank you for attending" card like you do for those that gave gifts?  

Ven&Radio

No thank you card is required for people who attended, but did not give a gift.

FIL hosted our rehearsal dinner, gave a lovely toast and didn't get us a card or gift either.  We know he and his wife are well off, so it stung a bit.  H doesn't have a great relationship with his dad.  I think I'm more bothered by the fact that FIL couldn't be bothered to get us a card than H is.  That's just how some people are, unfortunately.  It's really up to you if you want to give him a wedding album or not (we did give one to FIL as part of his xmas gift).

GBCK

This os one of the things I hate as a public employee whose salary is public record.

You don't really know his finances.  You know how much he gets paid, but that tells you jack and shit about what he has for a budget.  For all you know, he dealt w/ a gambling addiction/had to pay off the mob/gave his salary to a homeless shelter--you do NOT know his cash situation, you just know enough to know some of his obvious expenditures and know what he makes. Not the same thing.

That said, yes, grousing about the dance was assy.  

What you decide on gifts/cards/etc for him is nto determined by his gift to you or by how he acted at the wedding, but by what you WANT from the future of this relationship.  And that's a complicated thing.  If you give the other family a photobook and he learns he didn't get one, he will feel slighted.  That may not be a thing, or it may, depending on where your relationship is and where you want it.  There's nothing wrong with cutting bait and saying screw this.  There's also nothign wrong with recognizing his faults and deciding you still want to deal w/ him because it's important to you.

tawillers

Ven&Radio said:

No thank you card is required for people who attended, but did not give a gift.

FIL hosted our rehearsal dinner, gave a lovely toast and didn't get us a card or gift either.  We know he and his wife are well off, so it stung a bit.  H doesn't have a great relationship with his dad.  I think I'm more bothered by the fact that FIL couldn't be bothered to get us a card than H is.  That's just how some people are, unfortunately.  It's really up to you if you want to give him a wedding album or not (we did give one to FIL as part of his xmas gift).

Your FIL hosted your rehearsal dinner and you expected a gift on top of that?  The dinner wasn't good enough?

How many times can we say this?  

YOU DON'T GET TO DICTATE HOW PEOPLE SPEND THEIR MONEY, NO MATTER HOW MUCH MONEY THEY HAVE.

kkanouff7

HE IS MY FATHER and lives 30 minutes from me.  He does not have a gambling or drug addiction or even collect stamps or anything like that.  he doesn't smoke or have a chewing gum addiction.  2 months before my wedding they purchased big brand spanking new RV and if they couldn't afford a $2.99 card then they shouldn't have bought an RV.  You judged that way to quick!  i know i said his salary is online and i haven't looked at it since i was 14 years old he showed me (because a woman he was dating looked it up and i asked him how she knew) but he has been working at the same place for what seems like forever (as far back as i can remember anyway) and he was either stayed the same or they were negotiated raises (because HE TOLD me).  i didn't elaborate enough but i don't have enough time to write my life's story with him.  He also could have volunteered to keep an eye on our 3 year daughter during the reception and didn't.  I didn't even get a "if you need any help with anything let me know"...

GBCK

So, basically, you have already decided he was a dick, because you have decided you know his financial situation (even though you don't). And yes, gambling addiction/mob is facetious, but unless you're his accountant, you actually are only PRETENDING you know enough to make those decisions--and buying an RV could easily not leave someone cash for a card and if it WOULD result in them not having cash for a card, then I'd hope they'd buy an RV, not a wedding card (unless, oh no, are you his accountant? you're helping him launder money for the mob? You know about every cent he spent on cancer treatments for the boss's dog getting run over by a garbage truck?) Look, you've made up your mind that he's an ass--good for you. So you think he's stingy (no card/gift) and selfish (he didn't offer to babysit) and doesn't make you enough of a priority (he gave you a rehearsal dinner and didn't help plan your wedding or offer to help). Great--so don't give him anything and cut bait. But don't pretend it's about the $2.99 he didn't spend on a card.

tawillers

To be fair, @gbck, the FIL/rehearsal dinner thing was from a different poster, not the OP.

MNNEBride

I say be the bigger person and give his family the small photo album.  He was assy about the father/daughter dance and you are being assy about the lack of card/help with your child, etc.  Maybe he was planning on giving you one but didn't because he was excluded from the father/daughter dance.  Who knows.

PP is right in that it's about relationship.  If you want a relationship in the future, treat him like you do the other "parents" in your life.  If not, by all means, exclude him.

GBCK

whoops, sorry, TAW is right.

I have mushed together like 3 newb posters this week in my head.

Which probably explains my permanent side-eye

sarawifenow

I would probably send a card just thanking them for coming. I plan on doing this for any guests who do no bring something to the wedding (not that I expect people to bring anything). If anything, it is good karma.