Venue Location Concerns - In Law Stress

jdzane

Hi,

Hopefully I've put this in the right place.  We're meeting with my fiance's parents this weekend to discuss budget and location (they will be footing the bill for it, or our wedding plans will drastically change, there are no other funding options given my family situation).  When we mentioned on the phone last night that we needed to be back home for a Sunday venue tour, they dropped the bombshell that they thought we would get married up near them.

We live in Philadelphia.  They live in Westchester County, NY.  Most of our guests will be coming from NY/CT/MA.  But my fiance and I want to be married in the Philly area.  It's where we realized that our relationship could survive and it wasn't something that we were just staying in because we're both stubborn (we were long distance for 8 years before moving in together in Philly).  We love Philadelphia, and it is our home.  We both have some poor memories associated with the NY/CT area (I've lost my mother and my father had a debilitating stroke and is in a nursing home for life), along with all the fights and problems we had earlier in our relationship (due in part to being long distance and the fact that we starting dating when were 16).

I know it may be a moot point and that his parents will relent as soon as we explain this to them, but I want to be prepared if it does turn into a fight.  My fiance said he's willing to give them two options: 1) have a real wedding in Philadelphia or 2) attend whatever justice of the peace and dinner afterwards we can pull off together in Philadelphia.  Some of my friends think this isn't the battle worth fighting.  But we want our marriage license to be from our home state.  We want our ketubah to say we were married in our home state.  And we're concerned with trying to plan a wedding 3-4 hours away from our home.  Not only will the NY area be more expensive, but it will cost us thousands of dollars in travel expenses during the planning stage.  And worse, while it may be silly, we wouldn't' be able to see our cats on our wedding day, who are like little children to us.

Am I crazy to want to fight this battle?  Is it worth it?  Has anyone gone through a similar situation?  I just need some words of wisdom.

Thanks,

Jacquie

MobKaz

The solution is quite simple. Pay for the wedding yourself and have the wedding you want. If the inlaws are footing what sounds like the entire budget, then you should not be surprised they want a major say in the planning. I'd personally leave the cat excuse out of your "battle plan" with them.

beachyone15

If having a wedding in Philly is that important and meaningful to you both, then fight for it! It sounds like you already have a plan for if his parents aren't willing to contribute financially so that's good. Hopefully they are able to be understanding when they hear your reasons why Philly is so important to you both.

Fairyjen1

jdzane said:

Hi,

Hopefully I've put this in the right place.  We're meeting with my fiance's parents this weekend to discuss budget and location (they will be footing the bill for it, or our wedding plans will drastically change, there are no other funding options given my family situation).  When we mentioned on the phone last night that we needed to be back home for a Sunday venue tour, they dropped the bombshell that they thought we would get married up near them.

We live in Philadelphia.  They live in Westchester County, NY.  Most of our guests will be coming from NY/CT/MA.  But my fiance and I want to be married in the Philly area.  It's where we realized that our relationship could survive and it wasn't something that we were just staying in because we're both stubborn (we were long distance for 8 years before moving in together in Philly).  We love Philadelphia, and it is our home.  We both have some poor memories associated with the NY/CT area (I've lost my mother and my father had a debilitating stroke and is in a nursing home for life), along with all the fights and problems we had earlier in our relationship (due in part to being long distance and the fact that we starting dating when were 16).

I know it may be a moot point and that his parents will relent as soon as we explain this to them, but I want to be prepared if it does turn into a fight.  My fiance said he's willing to give them two options: 1) have a real wedding in Philadelphia or 2) attend whatever justice of the peace and dinner afterwards we can pull off together in Philadelphia.  Some of my friends think this isn't the battle worth fighting.  But we want our marriage license to be from our home state.  We want our ketubah to say we were married in our home state.  And we're concerned with trying to plan a wedding 3-4 hours away from our home.  Not only will the NY area be more expensive, but it will cost us thousands of dollars in travel expenses during the planning stage.  And worse, while it may be silly, we wouldn't' be able to see our cats on our wedding day, who are like little children to us.

Am I crazy to want to fight this battle?  Is it worth it?  Has anyone gone through a similar situation?  I just need some words of wisdom.

Thanks,

Jacquie

   Just a warning so you know it's coming. While it doesn't offend me and I understand what you are saying, there are posters on here who will take offense that you are inferring a Justice of the Peace wedding isn't a real one. Just want to give you a heads up in case it gets ugly.

beachyone15

Fairyjen1 said:

jdzane said:

Hi,

Hopefully I've put this in the right place.  We're meeting with my fiance's parents this weekend to discuss budget and location (they will be footing the bill for it, or our wedding plans will drastically change, there are no other funding options given my family situation).  When we mentioned on the phone last night that we needed to be back home for a Sunday venue tour, they dropped the bombshell that they thought we would get married up near them.

We live in Philadelphia.  They live in Westchester County, NY.  Most of our guests will be coming from NY/CT/MA.  But my fiance and I want to be married in the Philly area.  It's where we realized that our relationship could survive and it wasn't something that we were just staying in because we're both stubborn (we were long distance for 8 years before moving in together in Philly).  We love Philadelphia, and it is our home.  We both have some poor memories associated with the NY/CT area (I've lost my mother and my father had a debilitating stroke and is in a nursing home for life), along with all the fights and problems we had earlier in our relationship (due in part to being long distance and the fact that we starting dating when were 16).

I know it may be a moot point and that his parents will relent as soon as we explain this to them, but I want to be prepared if it does turn into a fight.  My fiance said he's willing to give them two options: 1) have a real wedding in Philadelphia or 2) attend whatever justice of the peace and dinner afterwards we can pull off together in Philadelphia.  Some of my friends think this isn't the battle worth fighting.  But we want our marriage license to be from our home state.  We want our ketubah to say we were married in our home state.  And we're concerned with trying to plan a wedding 3-4 hours away from our home.  Not only will the NY area be more expensive, but it will cost us thousands of dollars in travel expenses during the planning stage.  And worse, while it may be silly, we wouldn't' be able to see our cats on our wedding day, who are like little children to us.

Am I crazy to want to fight this battle?  Is it worth it?  Has anyone gone through a similar situation?  I just need some words of wisdom.

Thanks,

Jacquie

   Just a warning so you know it's coming. While it doesn't offend me and I understand what you are saying, there are posters on here who will take offense that you are inferring a Justice of the Peace wedding isn't a real one. Just want to give you a heads up in case it gets ugly.

Agreed with that!

theartistformerlyknownas

jdzane said:

Hi,

Hopefully I've put this in the right place.  We're meeting with my fiance's parents this weekend to discuss budget and location (they will be footing the bill for it, or our wedding plans will drastically change, there are no other funding options given my family situation).  When we mentioned on the phone last night that we needed to be back home for a Sunday venue tour, they dropped the bombshell that they thought we would get married up near them.

We live in Philadelphia.  They live in Westchester County, NY.  Most of our guests will be coming from NY/CT/MA.  But my fiance and I want to be married in the Philly area.  It's where we realized that our relationship could survive and it wasn't something that we were just staying in because we're both stubborn (we were long distance for 8 years before moving in together in Philly).  We love Philadelphia, and it is our home.  We both have some poor memories associated with the NY/CT area (I've lost my mother and my father had a debilitating stroke and is in a nursing home for life), along with all the fights and problems we had earlier in our relationship (due in part to being long distance and the fact that we starting dating when were 16).

I know it may be a moot point and that his parents will relent as soon as we explain this to them, but I want to be prepared if it does turn into a fight.  My fiance said he's willing to give them two options: 1) have a real wedding in Philadelphia or 2) attend whatever justice of the peace and dinner afterwards we can pull off together in Philadelphia.  Some of my friends think this isn't the battle worth fighting.  But we want our marriage license to be from our home state.  We want our ketubah to say we were married in our home state.  And we're concerned with trying to plan a wedding 3-4 hours away from our home.  Not only will the NY area be more expensive, but it will cost us thousands of dollars in travel expenses during the planning stage.  And worse, while it may be silly, we wouldn't' be able to see our cats on our wedding day, who are like little children to us.

Am I crazy to want to fight this battle?  Is it worth it?  Has anyone gone through a similar situation?  I just need some words of wisdom.

Thanks,

Jacquie

Have they actually offered to pay yet? I don't think you've answered that since your last post. You CANNOT assume that they will pay because they are under absolutely zero obligation to do so. And that has nothing to do with whether or not your parents are in the picture - NOBODY is obligated to pay for your wedding except for you and your FI, ever. Most people pay for their own weddings.

If they do offer to pay, they get to decide where it takes place. It really is that simple. You do not get to dictate how other people spend their money. IF they time comes where they offer to pay but only in NY, you can decide whether you'd rather have the money or get to make the decisions. Maybe they'll say "congrats, here's $10k to spend however/wherever you choose" but that's pretty unlikely. 

vsgal

If they pay for the wedding, then they get a major say in all details of the wedding.  Where it is, what is worn, what food is served, what drinks are served, decor, cake, etc.  The fight over the location is only going to be the start of your battle.

If you want to have control over your wedding, then you need to pay for it.  If you can only afford a JOP wedding with close friends and family and then dinner afterward, that is what you get.

You don't get to demand how people will spend their money. 

FWIW, I love animals, but using not being able to see your cats on your wedding day as a reason to move the wedding location is crazy.  They don't know what is going on and could care less. 

jdzane

Thanks for the advice everyone.  I'm sorry if I offended any one about a JOP wedding.  I didn't mean offense, I was just referring to a wedding that doesn't take place at a religious house or a venue.

I know they don't have to pay anything, I"m just praying that they do.  They are very well off and have known for a long time (around 10 years) that there will be no assistance from my family to help pay for a wedding.  I'm assuming that they will help because their son is still in college (they are paying for college and his/our living expenses), and we'll be getting married only a few months after he graduates.  I know that's what they did for their daughter's wedding (and yes, I realize that paying for your daughter's wedding is traditional).

Yes, I probably won't mention my cats, because they couldn't care less about my cats (although they love their "granddogs" and made special plans for them for their daughter's wedding...they just aren't cat people).  I'm just so nervous and anxious about talking to them about the wedding, because our budget will be $0 without their help.  If they can't help, I won't be able to get married for another 4 or 5 years, and I've already been waiting for this for about 7 or 8 years.

I'll be praying for the "here's $10,000 have whatever wedding you want" outcome.

vsgal

jdzane said:

Thanks for the advice everyone.  I'm sorry if I offended any one about a JOP wedding.  I didn't mean offense, I was just referring to a wedding that doesn't take place at a religious house or a venue.

I know they don't have to pay anything, I"m just praying that they do.  They are very well off and have known for a long time (around 10 years) that there will be no assistance from my family to help pay for a wedding.  I'm assuming that they will help because their son is still in college (they are paying for college and his/our living expenses), and we'll be getting married only a few months after he graduates.  I know that's what they did for their daughter's wedding (and yes, I realize that paying for your daughter's wedding is traditional).

Yes, I probably won't mention my cats, because they couldn't care less about my cats (although they love their "granddogs" and made special plans for them for their daughter's wedding...they just aren't cat people).  I'm just so nervous and anxious about talking to them about the wedding, because our budget will be $0 without their help.  If they can't help, I won't be able to get married for another 4 or 5 years, and I've already been waiting for this for about 7 or 8 years.

I'll be praying for the "here's $10,000 have whatever wedding you want" outcome.

This is not true anymore and very antiquated.  They did not pay for their daughter's wedding because they had to do it.They wanted to do it.  Maybe they will do the same for their son, but it is not mandatory. 

atlastmrsg

I don't think they get to dictate everything just because they pay.  One person even suggested they will be able to dictate what is "worn."  It's your dress...your wedding.  But if you tell them no, just know they may not pay.  Be prepared for that.  

And for really "you" details, try to handle on your own as much as possible.  Back to the dress example--if they offer you money for a dress, $500, $1,000, whatever, I suggest that you pick out what you want on your own and see if the in-law will call in the card, provide a check, etc. so you don't have to deal with a differing opinion.  Or, use their financial contribution for the big costs, like catering/venue/photographer, and pay for smaller things that could be very personal, like selecting the dress, on your own.  The more they are present, the more they could dissent.  Use the distance as an excuse for things like buying your dress on your own.

wandajune6

Why would you have to wait for 4-5 years if they don't help? In my state, you can get married by a JOP for well under $100 - and no fancy clothes or receptions are required. My cousin had a courthouse wedding followed by a Costco cake and Trader Joe's sparkling apple cider and was married for under $100.

theartistformerlyknownas

Again, your situation with your parents has no bearing on whether anyone else should or will pay for your wedding. Neither does their financial situation or what they did for their other child. All that matters is if they want to, and offer freely.

I'm gonna be brutally honest here...if you're not even supporting yourselves/each other financially yet, it seems to me like you're not ready to get married yet. That'll be a huge, stressful adjustment once the money gets cut off, and that's a lot for newlyweds to handle. Getting married is an adult decision and quite frankly you seem to still be living like children. Maybe postponing would be wise.

jdzane

lolo883 said:

I'm gonna be brutally honest here...if you're not even supporting yourselves/each other financially yet, it seems to me like you're not ready to get married yet. That'll be a huge, stressful adjustment once the money gets cut off, and that's a lot for newlyweds to handle. Getting married is an adult decision and quite frankly you seem to still be living like children. Maybe postponing would be wise.

Please don't make assumptions that you know if we're living like children yet.  It's insulting.  I relocated to a different state to move in with my fiance, so I have been searching for a job, I just haven't had any luck.  I had to give up my college education to take care of my ailing parents.  It makes getting a job more difficult.  We are absolutely ready to be married.  Just because my fiance is still in college, doesn't mean he isn't mature enough to make this decision.  His parents are helping with our living expensive because they don't want him to have to work while he is finishing his degree.  Assuming we can marry on the date we've chosen, we'll both be 28.  How much longer do you expect us to wait?  I'm not some stupid 22 year old who's in a rush to get married.  I've paid my dues and had more responsibility shoved on me at a young age than most people will have in their entire lives.  So don't make it seem like you know everything and have the right to tell us what to do.  I asked for advice on a very specific problem, and you decided to be "brutally honest" about something that is not a result of that problem.

theartistformerlyknownas

You're going to get opinions you don't like when you post on a public forum.

vsgal

When parents are paying your way in life, you are living like children.  You may not like that fact called out, but that is what is happening.

CMGragain

jdzane said:

lolo883 said:

I'm gonna be brutally honest here...if you're not even supporting yourselves/each other financially yet, it seems to me like you're not ready to get married yet. That'll be a huge, stressful adjustment once the money gets cut off, and that's a lot for newlyweds to handle. Getting married is an adult decision and quite frankly you seem to still be living like children. Maybe postponing would be wise.

Please don't make assumptions that you know if we're living like children yet.  It's insulting.  I relocated to a different state to move in with my fiance, so I have been searching for a job, I just haven't had any luck.  I had to give up my college education to take care of my ailing parents.  It makes getting a job more difficult.  We are absolutely ready to be married.  Just because my fiance is still in college, doesn't mean he isn't mature enough to make this decision.  His parents are helping with our living expensive because they don't want him to have to work while he is finishing his degree.  Assuming we can marry on the date we've chosen, we'll both be 28.  How much longer do you expect us to wait?  I'm not some stupid 22 year old who's in a rush to get married.  I've paid my dues and had more responsibility shoved on me at a young age than most people will have in their entire lives.  So don't make it seem like you know everything and have the right to tell us what to do.  I asked for advice on a very specific problem, and you decided to be "brutally honest" about something that is not a result of that problem.

I think that you should wait to get married until the two of you can support yourselves without any monetary help from relatives.  I would say this to any couple who are planning a wedding.
In some cultures, the bridal couple lives with the extended family, and becomes an extension of it.  In these cases, the expectations of marriage are vastly different from most couples in the USA.

Wait until the two of you are independent.  Then it will be time for the two of you to plan a wedding on your own terms.  28 is plenty young.  Many brides on the Knot are in their 30s, 40s, or even more.  My own daughter was 31.

It doesn't need to be a courthouse wedding if that isn't what you want.  Arrange for a Rabbi to marry you privately.  I still think you should wait.

Lauderdale Pink

OK, my anxiety levels went way up reading these posts, and I don't even know any of you people.  I understand all of the reasons why you don't want to get married in the NY/CT area, but those reasons may be exactly why you should get married there.  With the exception of the cats, it could be good to create some good memories in that area and turn the Karma around (yes, I do believe that can happen).  I also believe that a place is neither lucky or unlucky.  To me, the only solid reason you have for not going there for the wedding is your personal travel expenses.  If that is the case, make sure FIs know this because that could tilt the scales in your favor.  If you just don't have the money to travel, that pretty much settles it.  His parents well know your financial situation.  Finally, if you are ready to get married, then all the "wedding stuff" is really extra.  You are becoming one with the man you have loved for a lifetime.  Do you really care that much where it happens?

NYCMercedes

I sincerely wish you good luck, OP. You're both 28 and still living off his parents with no jobs and no degrees. As it sounds like you two are truly in love, perhaps a simple wedding in Philly is the way to go. Looking at venues when you four aren't even in the same chapter, let alone on the same page, is not a very good start to wedding planning.

jdzane

I'm rappidly learning that it is a bad idea to post on here looking for support and/or advice.  Does anyone know how to remove an entire thread?

artbyallie

jdzane said:

I'm rappidly learning that it is a bad idea to post on here looking for support and/or advice.  Does anyone know how to remove an entire thread?

You can't. You got good advice. That you don't like it is no one's fault but your own. I can understand wanting a fancy dress and a fancy party and so on to go along with your wedding, but if you can't afford that, then you are not owed those trappings. My grandmother got married on a random Tuesday in a normal dress with just her mom in attendance (who didn't entirely approve, lol). She and my grandfather spent one night in a hotel in a nearby city as their honeymoon. They have been married over 50 years. And I'm sure she's wished once or twice that they could have done all the fancy trimmings, but it's not what they could afford and they wanted to be married. So they made an adult decision to choose speed over frills.

Actually, we would have had a practically non-existent budget had my parents not paid for our wedding. And because they paid, I had to go with what they were okay with paying for. Which resulted in a very large but low-cost lunch wedding at our church with no alcohol. And our wedding was fantastic.

I mean, I'm sorry you're broke, really I am. But a lot of people are and either you wait and save up or you take what you can get now. I'm not sure what other advice you were expecting to receive?

vsgal

You can't remove an entire post. 

It is not a bad idea to post on the boards.  We are a great wealth of information and insight. Some of us have been through our own weddings.  We are honest and upfront. 

What we don't do is blow rainbows and puppies up your rear or validate bad ideas. Understand that the wedding industry's only goal is to make as much money off of you as possible.  It starts conditioning women at a young age that you HAVE to have the princess for the day party.   They do this through movies, TV, celebrity wedding shows, magazines and even toys that we play with.  The best thing you can do is expunge all that nonsense out of your head.

All of your posts/responses to date have an entitlement theme behind it.  You expect others to give you the wedding of your dreams because the wedding industry has gotten their hooks in you.  The truth of the matter is that no one is entitled to their dream wedding.  No one has to pay for the wedding but you and FI.  You have to decide what is more important to you.  Get married now on a shoestring budget or wait and save some money to have a wedding closer to your and FI's vision.
 

Gerbertmcway

I think this is a battle not worth fighting very much. You could give your side of it and tell them why you want to be married in your home state so badly and how appreciative you and your fiancé would be if they agree to this, but if his parents don't want to fund a wedding in Philadelphia, they ultimately don't have to. Look at it from their perspective - if they want to be involved in the planning, which they have the right to do if they are paying, they may find it difficult to plan from so far away as well. I think you should go into the conversation with a gracious attitude and be prepared to either accept or decline their offer (given that there is an offer) and not get upset because they do not have to give you anything. Good luck!

MegEn1

I'm in a similar situation - my family can't contribute at all to the wedding, and trust me I feel a lot of guilt for that. My FI and I are both fairly financially stable - he's got a big chunk of savings we're going to use as a down payment on a house, eventually.

But we don't have money for a house AND a wedding. So although we got engaged in Feb 2014 we will not be married until Oct 2015. This is giving us time to save up a good chunk of money for the wedding. We'll be paying for more than half.

His parents are putting in just a little less than half. And they are being AMAZING about it. I didn't realize how much until I read this thread. I can't imagine the people who would dictate everything that happens at someone else's wedding - location, clothes, food, etc. I just can't comprehend the mindset that goes into that. To me, giving money (or anything) to someone about the wedding was about enriching the experience for the bride and groom. Not about playing out your own little wedding fantasy with props.

OP, if your FI's family does put in toward the wedding, I can't IMAGINE they are going to force you to bend to their every desire. Sure, they'll have some things they really want (in my case it's a live band and a mashed potato bar) and you need to be absolutely respectful to that. But even if they are paying, they have to be respectful of the fact that they're paying for something for you and your FI. I can't imagine they're going to set you both up like props and dance around you, especially considering that in the case of the location of the wedding, you have a lot of very good points. You're not trying to spite them and I can't imagine the people who would behave like that.

Buuuuut I'd let my FI handle that conversation, if I had to have it.

lyndausvi

MegEn1 said:

I'm in a similar situation - my family can't contribute at all to the wedding, and trust me I feel a lot of guilt for that. My FI and I are both fairly financially stable - he's got a big chunk of savings we're going to use as a down payment on a house, eventually.

But we don't have money for a house AND a wedding. So although we got engaged in Feb 2014 we will not be married until Oct 2015. This is giving us time to save up a good chunk of money for the wedding. We'll be paying for more than half.

His parents are putting in just a little less than half. And they are being AMAZING about it. I didn't realize how much until I read this thread. I can't imagine the people who would dictate everything that happens at someone else's wedding - location, clothes, food, etc. I just can't comprehend the mindset that goes into that. To me, giving money (or anything) to someone about the wedding was about enriching the experience for the bride and groom. Not about playing out your own little wedding fantasy with props.

OP, if your FI's family does put in toward the wedding, I can't IMAGINE they are going to force you to bend to their every desire. Sure, they'll have some things they really want (in my case it's a live band and a mashed potato bar) and you need to be absolutely respectful to that. But even if they are paying, they have to be respectful of the fact that they're paying for something for you and your FI. I can't imagine they're going to set you both up like props and dance around you, especially considering that in the case of the location of the wedding, you have a lot of very good points. You're not trying to spite them and I can't imagine the people who would behave like that.

Buuuuut I'd let my FI handle that conversation, if I had to have it.

Here's the deal.   Some parents just give MONEY as a gift.  Like " here is $10K do what you want with it."

Other parents, like my own and @kmmssg , gift the RECEPTION.  Not the money for a reception, but the actual reception.

Think of it this way.   When a person offers to host a bridal shower she does not just hand over money to the bride-to-be.  No, she plans, pays and host the shower.    It's the same for some parents. They want to throw a party in honor of their child and new in-law.

  Now reasonable hosts will take the guest of honor's preferences into consideration.   I wanted a beach wedding in NJ to be closer to more of our guests (we lived in the islands) .My parents are Catholic church/country club people living IN, but had another home in DE.   

 I got the NJ beach wedding because they know that is what we wanted.      Since my parents are reasonable, we made all the choices together. We let them take the lead on what they were willing to spend and then figure out choices from there..  For example,  we didn't demand surf and turf.  My parents sent us the package they were looking at, there was surf and turf and we picked that.  Had the package only had chicken, then we would have been fine with that.    

To this day I have no idea the actual budget of my wedding.  I have an idea (saw some figures), but never saw hard numbers..   It was a gift and it would have been tacky for me to ask how much they were spending.

Just giving you a different perspective.  Just like a bridal shower, in some cases the gift isn't money, but the event itself.

ETA - I forgot to say the hosts wants/needs need to be taken into consideration.  They might have connections in NY, plus a lot of the guests are from there logistically it might more sense.