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Vow Renewal - Etiquette question

tmohtmoh member
10 Comments Second Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

We are having a vow renewal this September.   Our first wedding included only immediate family, due to a family members illness we rushed things forward.  Albeit simple, rushed, and not very well planned, it was nice.   We are having a vow renewal not to 'have a second wedding', but to celebrate our love and reaffirm our vows with our closest friends and family. (Under 60 guests)
I will be wearing a "wedding dress".  It's not too fancy, big or anything, but it is beautiful and perfect for an outdoor vow renewal.  We will be having four people total in our "wedding" party.  They were supposed to be there the first time, but like I said...  Also our children.
However,  I am not trying to make it look like a second wedding.  No tiered wedding cake, no first dance (but there will be music), etc.   My dad will be walking me down the aisle, but not giving me away.  He wasn't even able to make it to our wedding.
In the vow renewal invitation, I am having a bit of trouble with wording a section.   I want to make it known that we do not expect gifts because it is more of a celebration of our love with everyone.   Is there a nice way of wording this instead of "no gifts, please"?

 

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Re: Vow Renewal - Etiquette question

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2014
    tmohar said:

    We are having a vow renewal this September.   Our first wedding included only immediate family, due to a family members illness we rushed things forward.  Albeit simple, rushed, and not very well planned, it was nice.   We are having a vow renewal not to 'have a second wedding', but to celebrate our love and reaffirm our vows with our closest friends and family. (Under 60 guests)
    I will be wearing a "wedding dress".  It's not too fancy, big or anything, but it is beautiful and perfect for an outdoor vow renewal.  We will be having four people total in our "wedding" party.  They were supposed to be there the first time, but like I said...  Also our children.
    However,  I am not trying to make it look like a second wedding.  No tiered wedding cake, no first dance (but there will be music), etc.   My dad will be walking me down the aisle, but not giving me away.  He wasn't even able to make it to our wedding.
    In the vow renewal invitation, I am having a bit of trouble with wording a section.   I want to make it known that we do not expect gifts because it is more of a celebration of our love with everyone.   Is there a nice way of wording this instead of "no gifts, please"?

     


    One never says "no gifts" as that implies gifts were expected. Certainly do not register. Reply that your vow renewal is not a gift giving event, if anyone asks.
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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2014
    Just don't mention gifts and don't register.  

    If anyone asks, politely say that gifts are not necessary, their presence is enough.  People *may* still give you gifts if they really want to, so just accept them graciously.


    Oh, and hope your vow renewal goes well!  Sounds lovely!

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Here is a good etiquette guide for vow renewals.
     
    http://www.idotaketwo.com/vow_renewal_etiquette.html

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    "While writing “no gifts please” on a wedding invitation is not acceptable, it is perfectly acceptable to include such wording in a vow renewal invitation."

    This is what the links says about gifts.  Interesting.  

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2014
    tmohar said:

    We are having a vow renewal this September.   Our first wedding included only immediate family, due to a family members illness we rushed things forward.  Albeit simple, rushed, and not very well planned, it was nice.   We are having a vow renewal not to 'have a second wedding', but to celebrate our love and reaffirm our vows with our closest friends and family. (Under 60 guests)
    I will be wearing a "wedding dress".  It's not too fancy, big or anything, but it is beautiful and perfect for an outdoor vow renewal.  We will be having four people total in our "wedding" party.  They were supposed to be there the first time, but like I said...  Also our children.
    However,  I am not trying to make it look like a second wedding.  No tiered wedding cake, no first dance (but there will be music), etc.   My dad will be walking me down the aisle, but not giving me away.  He wasn't even able to make it to our wedding.
    In the vow renewal invitation, I am having a bit of trouble with wording a section.   I want to make it known that we do not expect gifts because it is more of a celebration of our love with everyone.   Is there a nice way of wording this instead of "no gifts, please"?

     

    The areas I highlighted are things that should not be at vow renewals.  I just thought you should know before it's too late.  Most vow renewals I have seen and participated in (church organist) have not had processionals.  They are meaningful celebrations, but they are low key and brief.
    I hope you have a meaningful vow renewal, but I am afraid that you are setting yourself up for some side-eyeing and criticism, which no one will tell you about because they care for you.  The reasons that you give for breaking the etiquette for vow renewals is, sad to say, the same excuses we see from ladies who want a PPD.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • VerizonGirlVerizonGirl member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments 25 Love Its
    No presents, please - we will appreciate your presence as your present to us.
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  • VerizonGirlVerizonGirl member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments 25 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    Or:  Your presence is the only present desired.
    Your friendship and attendance are the only gifts we require. or
    Your presence and fellowship are precious gifts, we request no other. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2009/06/no-gifts-please-what-to-say-on-an-invitation/#sthash.NrPhCmmj.dpuf
    Your friendship and attendance are the only gifts we want.
    Your presence and fellowship are precious gifts; we desire no other.

    friendship and attendance are the only gifts we require. or
    Your presence and fellowship are precious gifts, we request no other. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2009/06/no-gifts-please-what-to-say-on-an-invitation/#sthash.NrPhCmmj.dpuf
    Your friendship and attendance are the only gifts we require. or
    Your presence and fellowship are precious gifts, we request no other. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2009/06/no-gifts-please-what-to-say-on-an-invitation/#sthash.NrPhCmmj.dpuf
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    wedding dress, bridal party, but not a do-over?
    If it looks like a duck, and it smells like a duck...

    Having these things make me think that you are trying to 'recreate' the wedding you didn't have the first time instead of affirming the love you have between you.  Why not just have a nice dinner party, wear a pretty (non-bridal) dress and write a letter to your husband, then read it to him?  I'd LOVE to watch a couple do that after so many years...it's genuine, not pre-packaged commercial wedding stuff.
    Report Reply
  • MollyandDMollyandD member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Why is it so wrong to wear a wedding dress as long as she is honest about what the event really is? I guess in my opinion, it's just a dress. It's not one you would wear just anywhere, sure. But I wouldn't care if a woman wore one to a wedding or to a vow renewal anymore than I would care if the woman chose not to wear one in favor of something else.
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  • MollyandDMollyandD member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    monkeysip said:
    The wedding dress doesn't bother me either if it's not a big frou frou kind of dress.  If it's just a beautiful white dress... I don't get the big deal.

    The wedding party is not appropriate nor necessary.  

    I think it'd be a lot better if instead of her father walking her down, her and her husband walked together.  That would be a better symbol of the fact that they're not joining for the first time but continuing and renewing their marital journey together.
    I also think that it would be better to walk down with your husband. Since you're already married, your father isn't giving you away to marriage. Walking down with your husband would be sweet and romantic. 

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  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    Thank you :)
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  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    monkeysip said:
    "While writing “no gifts please” on a wedding invitation is not acceptable, it is perfectly acceptable to include such wording in a vow renewal invitation."

    This is what the links says about gifts.  Interesting.  
    I saw that... very interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about wording that, though. Maybe I will just take your advice.
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  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    VerizonGirl said:
    No presents, please - we will appreciate your presence as your present to us.
    That's a great idea. Thank you.
    Report Reply
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    tmohar said:
    VerizonGirl said:
    No presents, please - we will appreciate your presence as your present to us.
    That's a great idea. Thank you.
    Actually pretty terrible. Mentioning gifts on anything is tacky and implies that had you not mentioned it you were expecting gifts. Don't do this.

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  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    CMGragain said:
    tmohar said:

    We are having a vow renewal this September.   Our first wedding included only immediate family, due to a family members illness we rushed things forward.  Albeit simple, rushed, and not very well planned, it was nice.   We are having a vow renewal not to 'have a second wedding', but to celebrate our love and reaffirm our vows with our closest friends and family. (Under 60 guests)
    I will be wearing a "wedding dress".  It's not too fancy, big or anything, but it is beautiful and perfect for an outdoor vow renewal.  We will be having four people total in our "wedding" party.  They were supposed to be there the first time, but like I said...  Also our children.
    However,  I am not trying to make it look like a second wedding.  No tiered wedding cake, no first dance (but there will be music), etc.   My dad will be walking me down the aisle, but not giving me away.  He wasn't even able to make it to our wedding.
    In the vow renewal invitation, I am having a bit of trouble with wording a section.   I want to make it known that we do not expect gifts because it is more of a celebration of our love with everyone.   Is there a nice way of wording this instead of "no gifts, please"?

     

    The areas I highlighted are things that should not be at vow renewals.  I just thought you should know before it's too late.  Most vow renewals I have seen and participated in (church organist) have not had processionals.  They are meaningful celebrations, but they are low key and brief.
    I hope you have a meaningful vow renewal, but I am afraid that you are setting yourself up for some side-eyeing and criticism, which no one will tell you about because they care for you.  The reasons that you give for breaking the etiquette for vow renewals is, sad to say, the same excuses we see from ladies who want a PPD.
    Thank you for the response and you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I can assure you, however, there will be no side-eyeing. When we got married several years ago, rushed due to unfortunately circumstances, everyone was telling us in a few years we should do this. Everyone who will be present, has been encouraging this. In fact, some of them wanted it more over the top than I cared for it to be. This is a celebration about our love with our family and closest of friends, we will be celebrating in the way that we see fit. I've seen numerously that having a bridal party that was at your original wedding is okay and they would have been. There will only be four people total. Our dearest of friends that have been there with us through it all. Our two littles will be walking down with us to celebrate us as a family. I am my fathers only child and he was not present at my original wedding due to the circumstances. I'm sorry if you do not find it 'appropriate' that he walk me down the aisle, but he will. I am not asking you to understand this or see any meaning behind it whatsoever. He will not be "giving me away" however, since I am already married. Again, thank you for your opinion.
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Honestly, I wouldn't bring a gift to a vow renewal unless it coincided with an anniversary. For example my aunt and uncle renewed their vows for their 50th anniversary. People gave them gifts (mostly gift certificates to restaurants) but they were anniversary gifts not vow renewal gifts.
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  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    LDay2014 said:
    wedding dress, bridal party, but not a do-over?
    If it looks like a duck, and it smells like a duck...

    Having these things make me think that you are trying to 'recreate' the wedding you didn't have the first time instead of affirming the love you have between you.  Why not just have a nice dinner party, wear a pretty (non-bridal) dress and write a letter to your husband, then read it to him?  I'd LOVE to watch a couple do that after so many years...it's genuine, not pre-packaged commercial wedding stuff.
    The wedding dress is not very 'wedding-y' or fancy, but it was bought at Davids Bridal and it is white. It just matches the rustic theme we are going for. I've look on etiquette sites and it states the same bridal party could be used and be acceptable. We are only having two of them each. We are actually reading letters to each other.
    Report Reply
  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    Molly&Domenic said:
    Why is it so wrong to wear a wedding dress as long as she is honest about what the event really is? I guess in my opinion, it's just a dress. It's not one you would wear just anywhere, sure. But I wouldn't care if a woman wore one to a wedding or to a vow renewal anymore than I would care if the woman chose not to wear one in favor of something else.


    Thank you!
    Report Reply
  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    pinkshorts27 said:
    tmohar said:
    VerizonGirl said:
    No presents, please - we will appreciate your presence as your present to us.
    That's a great idea. Thank you.
    Actually pretty terrible. Mentioning gifts on anything is tacky and implies that had you not mentioned it you were expecting gifts. Don't do this.

    I'm not going to use it. I just thought it was a better way of wording it though.
    Report Reply
  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    mysticl said:
    Honestly, I wouldn't bring a gift to a vow renewal unless it coincided with an anniversary. For example my aunt and uncle renewed their vows for their 50th anniversary. People gave them gifts (mostly gift certificates to restaurants) but they were anniversary gifts not vow renewal gifts.
    Ah, ok.  It will be a 7th anniversary.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    OP, you either didn't read the etiquette site I posted for you, or you don't like it because it tells you what you do not want to hear.  You really didn't want etiquette advice, did you?  You just wanted puppies and rainbows about your plans.
    Most of the people on TK will tell you no wedding dress, no bridal party, and no father walking you down the aisle.  The circumstances of your first marriage has absolutely NOTHING to do with your vow renewal plans.  You say that you aren't having a PPD, but that does seem to be what you are doing.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2014
    tmoh said:
    CMGragain said:
    tmohar said:

    We are having a vow renewal this September.   Our first wedding included only immediate family, due to a family members illness we rushed things forward.  Albeit simple, rushed, and not very well planned, it was nice.   We are having a vow renewal not to 'have a second wedding', but to celebrate our love and reaffirm our vows with our closest friends and family. (Under 60 guests)
    I will be wearing a "wedding dress".  It's not too fancy, big or anything, but it is beautiful and perfect for an outdoor vow renewal.  We will be having four people total in our "wedding" party.  They were supposed to be there the first time, but like I said...  Also our children.
    However,  I am not trying to make it look like a second wedding.  No tiered wedding cake, no first dance (but there will be music), etc.   My dad will be walking me down the aisle, but not giving me away.  He wasn't even able to make it to our wedding.
    In the vow renewal invitation, I am having a bit of trouble with wording a section.   I want to make it known that we do not expect gifts because it is more of a celebration of our love with everyone.   Is there a nice way of wording this instead of "no gifts, please"?

     

    The areas I highlighted are things that should not be at vow renewals.  I just thought you should know before it's too late.  Most vow renewals I have seen and participated in (church organist) have not had processionals.  They are meaningful celebrations, but they are low key and brief.
    I hope you have a meaningful vow renewal, but I am afraid that you are setting yourself up for some side-eyeing and criticism, which no one will tell you about because they care for you.  The reasons that you give for breaking the etiquette for vow renewals is, sad to say, the same excuses we see from ladies who want a PPD.
    Thank you for the response and you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I can assure you, however, there will be no side-eyeing. When we got married several years ago, rushed due to unfortunately circumstances, everyone was telling us in a few years we should do this. Everyone who will be present, has been encouraging this. In fact, some of them wanted it more over the top than I cared for it to be. This is a celebration about our love with our family and closest of friends, we will be celebrating in the way that we see fit. I've seen numerously that having a bridal party that was at your original wedding is okay and they would have been. There will only be four people total. Our dearest of friends that have been there with us through it all. Our two littles will be walking down with us to celebrate us as a family. I am my fathers only child and he was not present at my original wedding due to the circumstances. I'm sorry if you do not find it 'appropriate' that he walk me down the aisle, but he will. I am not asking you to understand this or see any meaning behind it whatsoever. He will not be "giving me away" however, since I am already married. Again, thank you for your opinion.
    Oops!  Forgot to quote!

    OP, you are wearing a wedding dress, having a wedding party, and your father is walking you down the aisle.  Just what is it about your ceremony that isn't a second wedding?  There is nothing wrong with having a cake at a vow renewal.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    While I might side eye a bridal party and dad walking you down the aisle at a vow renewal, as long as you're not saying wedding vows and you're not hiding the fact that you're married or pretending this is your wedding, ultimately you're okay.

    Those other things (wedding dress, bridal party, dad) are a bit much, but pretty much a victimless crime - aside from those you make buy a dress or rent a tux to be in your "bridal" party.
    Anniversary
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  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    CMGragain said:
    OP, you either didn't read the etiquette site I posted for you, or you don't like it because it tells you what you do not want to hear.  You really didn't want etiquette advice, did you?  You just wanted puppies and rainbows about your plans.
    Most of the people on TK will tell you no wedding dress, no bridal party, and no father walking you down the aisle.  The circumstances of your first marriage has absolutely NOTHING to do with your vow renewal plans.  You say that you aren't having a PPD, but that does seem to be what you are doing.

    The circumstances DO have something to do with it, actually.  It is not the main reason we are doing it, but we are doing certain things DURING it, because of those.
    I'm sorry that it doesn't matter to you all that my dad nearly died and was in a hospital bed unable to be at the wedding last minute.

    And I also am sorry that I do not care that you do not approve.  But my father will be able to take a place by my side.  Because it would mean the world to him.  It is one of his biggest regrets, but was out of his control.
    While strangers may give me stank eye over this, I can assure you it will be a very touching moment for everyone at the vow renewal.

    Again, we are not having a tiered cake, the bridal party will not be in big bridesmaid dresses, no tuxedos, no first dances or anything, etc.
    This is not about me having a pretty princess day.   This is about our vow renewals, our close family and friends, and letting my dad fulfill something he was almost never able to do.  I'm sorry if that ruffles your feathers and yes I did read your link.
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  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    CMGragain said:
    tmoh said:
    CMGragain said:
    tmohar said:

    We are having a vow renewal this September.   Our first wedding included only immediate family, due to a family members illness we rushed things forward.  Albeit simple, rushed, and not very well planned, it was nice.   We are having a vow renewal not to 'have a second wedding', but to celebrate our love and reaffirm our vows with our closest friends and family. (Under 60 guests)
    I will be wearing a "wedding dress".  It's not too fancy, big or anything, but it is beautiful and perfect for an outdoor vow renewal.  We will be having four people total in our "wedding" party.  They were supposed to be there the first time, but like I said...  Also our children.
    However,  I am not trying to make it look like a second wedding.  No tiered wedding cake, no first dance (but there will be music), etc.   My dad will be walking me down the aisle, but not giving me away.  He wasn't even able to make it to our wedding.
    In the vow renewal invitation, I am having a bit of trouble with wording a section.   I want to make it known that we do not expect gifts because it is more of a celebration of our love with everyone.   Is there a nice way of wording this instead of "no gifts, please"?

     

    The areas I highlighted are things that should not be at vow renewals.  I just thought you should know before it's too late.  Most vow renewals I have seen and participated in (church organist) have not had processionals.  They are meaningful celebrations, but they are low key and brief.
    I hope you have a meaningful vow renewal, but I am afraid that you are setting yourself up for some side-eyeing and criticism, which no one will tell you about because they care for you.  The reasons that you give for breaking the etiquette for vow renewals is, sad to say, the same excuses we see from ladies who want a PPD.
    Thank you for the response and you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I can assure you, however, there will be no side-eyeing. When we got married several years ago, rushed due to unfortunately circumstances, everyone was telling us in a few years we should do this. Everyone who will be present, has been encouraging this. In fact, some of them wanted it more over the top than I cared for it to be. This is a celebration about our love with our family and closest of friends, we will be celebrating in the way that we see fit. I've seen numerously that having a bridal party that was at your original wedding is okay and they would have been. There will only be four people total. Our dearest of friends that have been there with us through it all. Our two littles will be walking down with us to celebrate us as a family. I am my fathers only child and he was not present at my original wedding due to the circumstances. I'm sorry if you do not find it 'appropriate' that he walk me down the aisle, but he will. I am not asking you to understand this or see any meaning behind it whatsoever. He will not be "giving me away" however, since I am already married. Again, thank you for your opinion.
    Oops!  Forgot to quote!

    OP, you are wearing a wedding dress, having a wedding party, and your father is walking you down the aisle.  Just what is it about your ceremony that isn't a second wedding?  There is nothing wrong with having a cake at a vow renewal.
    We are having a cake, it just wont be a tiered cake. It's going to be a sheet cake with "Happy Anniversary" on it.
    I just wrote a big reply about the father circumstance.
    Also, the bridal party wont be in tuxedos or bridesmaid dresses.
    Report Reply
  • tmohtmoh member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    ashleyep said:
    While I might side eye a bridal party and dad walking you down the aisle at a vow renewal, as long as you're not saying wedding vows and you're not hiding the fact that you're married or pretending this is your wedding, ultimately you're okay.

    Those other things (wedding dress, bridal party, dad) are a bit much, but pretty much a victimless crime - aside from those you make buy a dress or rent a tux to be in your "bridal" party.
    no tux's or bridal dresses.  :)
    We will just be reading letters to eachother, etc.   Everyone knows we are married... it's for our 7th wedding anniversary.
    Report Reply
  • JennyColadaJennyColada member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Plenty of weddings don't have tiered cakes and it's very en vogue right now to not have the bridal party in tuxedos or super formal dresses.
    Report Reply
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