Maid of Honor Dilemma!

Rcampbell1023

So I have a friend that I have been best friends with for about 7 years. She is sweet and kind and always has her heart in the right place. However, her life isn't always in order. She has always been extremely unorganized. She is always late (one of those girls that will be late for her own funeral). She has a lot going on with work and her boyfriend and her family. I have always been very suportive of her, but whenever her and I get to talk lately (which is once like every 5 months because it's impossible to get ahold of her because she forgets to pay her cellphone bill and her phone gets shut off) we'll talk for like 2 hours and the entire conversation is about her. I love the girl, I really do. And I would love for her to be my maid of honor because she is one of my best friends, I just don't know if I can rely on her to really help and support and assist me in organizing and planning my wedding and doing all of the duties that comes with being a maid of honor if she can't even call me back. Plus with being a whole state away, she obviously can't physically be here to help me either.

Then I have my other best friend. We've been friends for about two years now. We work together, live a street away, and are always hanging out. She knows exactly my style and what I'm looking for with the wedding. She is extremely excited for the wedding and has been helping me plan since I got engaged. She is going to school for graphic design and is extremely organized and put together and is excited about helping me plan everything. She has gone dress shopping with me and wants to make the invitations and help me make centerpieces and the whole nine yards. 

I want the second friend to be my maid of honor. But I know that it will break my first friend's heart. How do I really decide who is the maid of honor and explain it to the other one without hurting anyone's feelings?

browneyedbride7

I understand your dilemma.  When I got engaged, I had 2 friends I was deciding between to ask to be my MOH.  One friend I had known 2 years longer than another.  I ended up choosing the one that I have known for less amount of time because I knew that she would have the time to devote to helping me plan.  My other friend had a sister who was getting married just weeks before me and she was MOH for her sister, so I would only expect for her to have put more time and effort into helping her sister plan.  Either way, I think that the girls you ask to stand up in your wedding will be honored and will help you in any way that they possibly can.

KatieD212

I have a similar situation as well. I work with a girl and we get along GREAT! I got engaged just before she started working with me and I had picked the bridesmaids...and at this point I am rethinking my choices as I would love to have her.  Do what your gut tells you, and know that either one will appreciate the honor, but pick the one you know will want to help and be involved!

ashnolan

Go with your gut and do what you feel is the best situation. It's your day and you need to do what makes you happy. Pick the one that you know will be involved and be there to help!

Jules08

Well the role of MOH is NOT about who can help you plan your wedding or who does more for you.  The ONLY requirement for a MOH is to show up on your wedding day in the dress you pick out and be supportive of your decision to marry your FI, that's it.

If you think the friend of 7 years is too unreliable to do just that, then you should not ask her to stand up, at all.  If she questions you about it, you can either explain your decision or just simply state that you feel that she would have a better time as a guest rather than having to stress about the day.

It is also acceptable to have 2 MOH's.

MissBNicole

I agree with Jules.  Being someone's MOH is supposed to be about friendship, not  which good friend will play best slave for the day.  If you need a slave, hire an attendant.  And a reminder that just because you're getting married that day, so are 100's of other women around the world that very same day.  You are not Queen of Earth that day- don't be a b*tch to people who have been there for you at your best and worst.

varsity714

I chose my maid of honor based on who could help me the most. I am moving to L.A, and getting married in Wisconsin so this is important to me. In your case, i think you have already chosen who you want just by the way you talked about each girl. If you really can't choose, why do you need only one maid of honor? My fiance chose 2 best men - both close friends, and both he could rely on for different things, so together, they will be great. I only chose one MOH, and have more bridesmaids than groomsmen. 

Jules08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_wisconsin_maid-of-honor-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:118Discussion:9f20ff49-0eff-4fdd-a7f6-88789eed0745Post:3ab27a5a-7c11-4f1a-9c44-e3ab56839922">Re: Maid of Honor Dilemma!</a>:
[QUOTE]I chose my maid of honor based on who could help me the most.
Posted by varsity714[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" /> 

OP - This is NOT their job, please don't do this.  Terrible advice.

alyssalowe

To pp. I voted 2nd friend, because of my own situation. I had a MOH who was flaky as well and I ignored my gutt and I didnt ask her do to anything but get a dress and join us in standing up on our day. She told me she couldnt afford the dress (SIX weeks before our wedding) after insisting she would and it was no problem.

By the way, knotties jumped all over me not paying for her dress and asking a friend who I feel like I should have picked in the first place. Sometimes on here when you give or ask for advice your damned either way when some of the knotties just wanna be a B* to others.

If your really torn, have them both be maids of honor. There is NOTHING wrong with it.

Jules08

In Response to <a href="http://chinese.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_wisconsin_maid-of-honor-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:118Discussion:9f20ff49-0eff-4fdd-a7f6-88789eed0745Post:cae4cf23-5d30-4c80-baf3-ba28b62f88ec">Re: Maid of Honor Dilemma!</a>:
[QUOTE]To pp. I voted 2nd friend, because of my own situation. I had a MOH who was flaky as well and I ignored my gutt and I didnt ask her do to anything but get a dress and join us in standing up on our day. She told me she couldnt afford the dress (SIX weeks before our wedding) after insisting she would and it was no problem. By the way, knotties jumped all over me not paying for her dress and asking a friend who I feel like I should have picked in the first place. Sometimes on here when you give or ask for advice your damned either way when some of the knotties just wanna be a B* to others. If your really torn, have them both be maids of honor. There is NOTHING wrong with it.
Posted by alyssalowe[/QUOTE]

She told you 6 weeks ahead, that is PLENTY of notice.  Sure it sucks, but she was responsible and told you well in advance not the week before.  If you really cared about having her in your wedding you could have offered to pay for the dress, split the cost, have her pay you back, or let her wear something she already owned.

People invited, especially family and those standing up, are there because they support your relationship, not because of what they can do for you or what they can spend on you.

In this economy, it isn't easy to choose between paying your bills and paying for a dress to stand up in a wedding for a close friend.  Just because she couldn't afford it in the end doesn't mean she was flaky or a bad MOH.  (Just in case you are headed down this path: NO you don't know her financial situation to be able to judge either.)

In response to your statemnt about the responses given: we all stated our opinions and reasons why, that doesn't make anyone a B*, just honest.  If you come on here looking for validation to every idea or looking for puppies and rainbows, TK is not the place.

LISASUM

Hello,
  Choose the friend that you can count on to be there. Ask yourself who will show up, who will have their speech prepare, and anything else you expect from her (whether it's little or none).
  I was in a smiliar situation and I chose the shaky friend who I've known since childhood. Although, she showed up and made the speech, she split right after. Although I rarely see her and didn't expect much from her, I wanted her to at least share this special day with me. Today, she is no longer part of my life. She chose not to contact me anymore.

Good Luck!

sstobbe

The MOH has more duties than just showing up to the wedding and supporting your relationship. She also should be someone who is a reliable friend and is there for you. If you can't call your MOH to vent about something or ask for some help I think there is something wrong with that. I am not saying she should slave away and put your whole wedding together. As far as I know, the MOH (most importantly) and the BM's should be a support system for the bride. Or maybe I am just spoiled with a MOH & BM's that are more than willing to help me with whatever I need help with.

To me it sounds like you've already made up your mind and really want friend 2 to be your MOH. Friend 1 should understand that it is your wedding and you need someone who is a bit more available to help with things, whether those things are wedding related craft projects or you needing to vent about something.

Sort of unrelated, but I thought it was the duty of the MOH to put together the bachelorette party?

Jules08

In Response to <a href="http://chinese.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_wisconsin_maid-of-honor-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:118Discussion:9f20ff49-0eff-4fdd-a7f6-88789eed0745Post:854fb242-ef8c-4647-8dd7-a3ea4e8905be">Re: Maid of Honor Dilemma!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sort of unrelated, but I thought it was the duty of the MOH to put together the bachelorette party?
Posted by sstobbe[/QUOTE]

Nope, no one has to put a b-party together and at the same time anyone can offter to do so.

MOH's and BM's are typically quite generous with their time and willingness to help, BUT it should never be expected and one shouldn't decide who is worthy to stand up based on what they can do for the bride. 

That would be like saying my sister who lives 2 hours away shouldn't have been my MOH because then she wasn't able to be around much to help with the tasks I had to get done.  Ridiculous.

My DH and I chose to get married therefore it was our responsibility to get the things done that we needed and wanted, not the responsibility of our WP.  if you can't do it all yourselves then cut back or hire someone to help.

msteph82

Is this thing on? **tap**tap**tap**

I totally disagree with this. 

Yes, I understand that no one is REQUIRED to do anything other than show up for your wedding, wearing the dress you chose. 

BUT, that being said, those of you who feel that the MOH has no duties, if you were MOH, wouldn't you plan a bach party, help the bride with wedding decisions, support her when she's stressed and overall, be a sort of second in command?

I don't understand the point of having a wedding party if they are not involved in your wedding.  It's about bringing friends and family together, enjoying the experience with them.  It's most definately NOT about your wedding party doing your bidding, but traditionally, wedding parties will host the bach parties, come to dress fittings, flower appointments, etc. 

I think that someone who does not hope and want their MOH/bridal party to be involved is the exception, not the norm. 

That being said, you choose your MOH based on who you believe will be your lifeline throughout this process and with whom you MOST want to share it with.  Yes, the truth is that no one is as excited about your wedding as you are, BUT it's still a really special day. 

/soapbox speech

goetzr19

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_wisconsin_maid-of-honor-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:118Discussion:9f20ff49-0eff-4fdd-a7f6-88789eed0745Post:e6d882ef-82d0-4d21-81fd-cb0cee12d161">Re: Maid of Honor Dilemma!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is this thing on? **tap**tap**tap** I totally disagree with this.  Yes, I understand that no one is REQUIRED to do anything other than show up for your wedding, wearing the dress you chose.  BUT, that being said, those of you who feel that the MOH has no duties, if you were MOH, wouldn't you plan a bach party, help the bride with wedding decisions, support her when she's stressed and overall, be a sort of second in command? I don't understand the point of having a wedding party if they are not involved in your wedding.  It's about bringing friends and family together, enjoying the experience with them.  It's most definately NOT about your wedding party doing your bidding, but traditionally, wedding parties will host the bach parties, come to dress fittings, flower appointments, etc.  I think that someone who does not hope and want their MOH/bridal party to be involved is the exception , not the norm.  That being said, you choose your MOH based on who you believe will be your lifeline throughout this process and with whom you MOST want to share it with.  Yes, the truth is that no one is as excited about your wedding as you are, BUT it's still a really special day.  /soapbox speech
Posted by msteph82[/QUOTE]

*clap* *clap* *clap*
You hit the nail on the head Missie.  Although the MOH is not there to be a slave during wedding planning, a MOH is chosen for that position because she is a close friend, someone that is dependable, willing to listen to venting about wedding frustrations, and all around be a good friend.  If the MOH was just supposed to show up to the wedding and NOTHING else, then what is the point of a MOH?  They aren't a slave, but they should be someone who might be willing to help make this day the day of your dreams. 

Jules08

[QUOTE]Yes, I understand that no one is REQUIRED to do anything other than show up for your wedding, wearing the dress you chose. 
Posted by msteph82[/QUOTE]

Good.  Anything above and beyond this should be up to the MOH and the rest of the wedding party to offer.  It should NEVER be assumed or expected by the bride that because she asked them to stand up, they HAVE to do anything more.

[QUOTE]BUT, that being said, those of you who feel that the MOH has no duties, if you were MOH, wouldn't you plan a bach party, help the bride with wedding decisions, support her when she's stressed and overall, be a sort of second in command?
Posted by msteph82[/QUOTE]

I never once asked my MOH to do anything but dress shopping.  That's it.  Everything and anything else she did, it was because she offered.

I have stood up in plenty of weddings and was the MOH for one.  Yep, I did help the bride out, she didn't ask though.  It was because I offered help, advice, etc.

As fas as second in command goes, NOPE.  Unless you are contributing financially to the wedding, you are in command of nothing.  If you offer the bride help with a task, you still aren't in command even with that.  You are doing what she wants and all decisions ultimately are decided by her and the groom.

[QUOTE] I don't understand the point of having a wedding party if they are not involved in your wedding.
Posted by msteph82[/QUOTE]

THAT is a very sad statement. 

DH and I choose our wedding party based on who supported our relationship, who supported our marriage, who would continue to offer their support in the future, and who were important people to us.  We wanted to aknowledge THEM and to ask them to stand up was doing just that.


[QUOTE] It's most definately NOT about your wedding party doing your bidding, but traditionally, wedding parties will host the bach parties, come to dress fittings, flower appointments, etc.  I think that someone who does not hope and want their MOH/bridal party to be involved is the exception , not the norm.  That being said, you choose your MOH based on who you believe will be your lifeline throughout this process and with whom you MOST want to share it with.  Yes, the truth is that no one is as excited about your wedding as you are, BUT it's still a really special day.  /soapbox speech
Posted by msteph82[/QUOTE]

I think you are confusing two very distinct points.  EXPECTING them to help and ONLY choosing who will stand up based on what they can do for you is very different then wanting your wedding party to share in your wedding.  Yes, the majority of wedding parties go above and beyond, but again, it should never be EXPECTED and friends should not be "punished" for choosing not to do anything extra.

if Bride and Groom choose to get married, they need to bear the responsibility of getting everything done and prepared for the day.  A wedding is not a recriutment of your friends to help make sure you accomplish this.  If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to make it happen on your own whether that be the big white wedding or a simple courthouse wedding.

AAAW07

Why not have two MOH's?

Rcampbell1023

Okay, so to Jules08. I re-read my post to make sure that all of your comments were about what I had actually asked and to make sure that I hadn't clicked on the wrong post.
I am extremely offended not by what you said or your opinions, but the way that you decided to talk down to me and everyone else on here about my question. I did not say anywhere in my question about how I EXPECTED my MOH to do anything for me. I have a friend that I love dearly, flaws and quirks and all. But just because I love her, does not mean that I want to worry, since it is my wedding, about her being on time or even being able to get ahold of. It is more than just showing up in a dress. It is supporting me and asking me how things are going, with the wedding or with life just in general. Not talking for hours on the phone with me not able to get a word in edge wise.
And my second friend I love also and can see her standing next to me and supporting me, now and at my wedding and in the future. And whether I asked her or didn't ask her to do something for me, if she saw something that I needed help with, she wouldn't ask, she would just do it.
And Jules, if you care not to comment on this thread anymore that would be greatly appreciated, because your opinions definitely are not.

So to everyone else, how do you have two MOH's? And wouldn't it be silly with only a wedding party of like four or five to have two of the girls be my MOH?

And I think I know what I need to do. It's just a matter of hopefully her not holding it against me. Of course she will be happy for me no matter what and will be there for me, but she will still be crushed.

Jules08

[QUOTE]Okay, so to Jules08..... I am extremely offended not by what you said or your opinions, but the way that you decided to talk down to me and everyone else on here about my question.And Jules, if you care not to comment on this thread anymore that would be greatly appreciated, because your opinions definitely are not.

Posted by Rcampbell1023[/QUOTE]

Hmm, contradictory at all?

 I will continue to comment: you posted and asked for opinions and I clearly stated mine.  I was not snarky, I was honest and I would rather give you an honest answer rather than simply giving you validation to a thought or idea that I disagree with.  You read into it how you want to.

With the information you put it out there, you are going to get answers that vary across the board.  I'm sorry you weren't happy with mine, but maybe you'd rather hear it from me than later on finding out that a friend or family member had the same thoughts (not saying that that would be 100% the case, but chances are that someone probably would).



In your latest response you stated:


[QUOTE]I did not say anywhere in my question about how I EXPECTED my MOH to do anything for me.
Posted by Rcampbell1023[/QUOTE]

Actually, you DID:

[QUOTE]And I would love for her to be my maid of honor because she is one of my best friends, I just don't know if I can rely on her to really help and support and assist me in organizing and planning my wedding and doing all of the duties that comes with being a maid of honor if she can't even call me back. Plus with being a whole state away, she obviously can't physically be here to help me either.
Posted by Rcampbell1023[/QUOTE]

I find <em>this</em> offensive.  If you were to ask this on a national board, chances are you'd get more responses like mine, but they WOULD be snarky.  Local boards are a bit on the puppy dog and rainbow side of the spectrum.

[QUOTE] So to everyone else, how do you have two MOH's? And wouldn't it be silly with only a wedding party of like four or five to have two of the girls be my MOH?
Posted by Rcampbell1023[/QUOTE]

If you really read my first post, you will see that I suggested this as well, anyway ... you ask both to stand up, let them know that you also asked the other and that they will be sharing the title.  They both get listed in your programs with the MOH title and if you are doing anything else special for the MOH they both get it.  You just have to determine the order they walk in and who stands where.

It would not be silly to have 2 MOH with that title and a small WP, you are just honoring both of them.

You could also do away with all titles and just call everyone standing up as a wedding attendant.

jaynechelsea

Pick who you want doll. and really if they are a true friend they are not going to be angry because you didnt choose them as a maid of honour. If you really feel like you need her to be a part in the wedding or if she wants to be in it, ask her to help out in another way, like maybe doing behind the scens work such as, sending the bridesmaids and groomsmen down the isle, helping seat guests or rounding certain guests up to have photos taken. She probably knows that she has flakey behavior, so jsut explain to her that you would love for her to be in your wedding party, but that you need extra support from your MOH that she just wont be able to provide because of being too far away.