When someone knows they are a crappy friend...

Rebl90

...how do you respond? I have a friend that I had a great relationship with for the past couple of years, and she seemed like such a blessing when she first came into my life. She was enthusiastic about my engagement from the beginning, and despite her many offers to help, I told her that all I wanted was her to stand next to me on that day. I keep 90% of all conversations personal and non-wedding related, because I have always understood that friendships come first and should not be put to the side because of wedding planning. I have tried to stay involved with her life and what is is going through, and do my absolute best to check in with her every few days/once a week and just ask how life is going. 

 I haven't physically seen her in nearly two months and have tried many times to meet up, and she usually cancels a day or two before or is just too busy (she started working in a restaurant two weeks ago and spends the rest of the time volunteering with various programs at her church). She tries to invite me to a group geared for young adults at her church since she attends weekly, often saying that's the best time since she's already there, but after a few times of attending I didn't really enjoy it. She always apologizes for being "so busy" and "such a bad friend", and tells me she is always there for me, but is always bailing. Last week was really the straw that broke the camel's back. She initiated plans for Tuesday at a specific time, I agreed and let her know I had an appointment after that so I was limited on time but couldn't wait to see her. I went to the coffee shop and waited for her (I got there early). About 15 minutes after the time we were supposed to meet I called her to see where she was. She was at her church, helping set up for an event because she forgot what time we were meeting. She tells me she will call me right back and see how fast she can get there. 30 minutes after that I get a call saying she just can't make it but she is so sorry she is a terrible friend. She asks about Thursday, I say okay because I miss her and want to see her. An hour before we're supposed to meet she texts me and tells me her work schedule changed last minute. I was really upset at that point, but just told her I understand (she works in a restaurant and I never have, so I'm not sure how the scheduling works). 

 Today she tried to make plans again for this week, but with 13 days until the wedding I have very limited free time. I told her this, and have not responded to the multiple texts she's sent about how sorry she is that she's a bad friend. I truly care about her but I am not okay with being left hanging all the time and having my time wasted. Soooo, what do you ladies do when situations like these arise?

Edited: TK is eating my paragraphs so I look like I can't post like a sane person.

Senecaf

I've never been in a situation like this. I personally don't commit to making plans I am not certain I can keep and would be quite anmoyed. And her constant flaking and apologizing is just weird.

Do you think she is uncomfortable about your wedding? You said she is standing next to you, so I assume she is a bridesmaid. Maybe she just doesn't want to think or talk about it. Even if you don't think you talk about it often, just being around you right now might make her feel some kind of discomfort.

Rebl90

Senecaf said:

I've never been in a situation like this. I personally don't commit to making plans I am not certain I can keep and would be quite anmoyed. And her constant flaking and apologizing is just weird. Do you think she is uncomfortable about your wedding? You said she is standing next to you, so I assume she is a bridesmaid. Maybe she just doesn't want to think or talk about it. Even if you don't think you talk about it often, just being around you right now might make her feel some kind of discomfort.

Yes, she is a bridesmaid, and I only talk to her about the wedding when she brings it up. In the last 3 months our conversations have been completely about her, and I haven't acknowledged questions about the wedding once (I only discuss details with FI and our coordinator). I don't see how any of this would make her feel discomfort.

Emmy1493

I can totally relate. If you look at my threads, I had a very similar problem about my friend doing that to me. Only thing is she lives an hour and change away, but we just talked about it and had to compromise time the same if we wanted to hang out. Sound like you should really sit down with her and just politely tell her your concerns. 

I don't blame you for getting upset as it is a very frustrating situation. It does sound like she keeps herself really busy, but should not make plans she cannot commit to. Whether something comes up she made plans with you first. If I make plans, nothing breaks them unless it is super important. If I have something going on that day and I am not sure when I will free up, I will not make plans. Life is unpredictable, but with planning it should not be that big of a roadblock. Hope all gets better for you! You say your both very close, so I bet it will work out for you both.

Emmy1493

I would also add that you might just check and see if everything is okay with her. Flaking that much seems to be unusual for your friend, no? She might have stuff going on that she doesn't care to disclose. Even to a close friend.

Rebl90

Emmy1493 said:

I would also add that you might just check and see if everything is okay with her. Flaking that much seems to be unusual for your friend, no? She might have stuff going on that she doesn't care to disclose. Even to a close friend.

No, it's not unusual for her as it has been her behavior for about a year now. I talk to her every week about what is going on in her life as that was my first instinct a few months ago, and it is all about her church and how involved she is. She had a fight with her parents at one point that caused her to move out for a few weeks, but she told me about it all the time and kept me updated almost daily and when I didn't hear from her I would check on her.

She is on Facebook and Instagram all the time and constantly posting pictures of having lunch/coffee/etc with other people (BTW, do other people do that? I've never taken a picture with someone that I was just having lunch with, lol). I know it's silly to get butt hurt over that, but really, I would much prefer it if she just didn't make plans with me and act like she wants to. What bothers me is the constant apologizing without any behavior change. I really feel like she is just too consumed with herself to stop and think about how her actions are affecting others.

Edited: I can't spell.

KatieinBkln

I guess if she were my friend I would think that she was phasing me out because I didn't want to join her church. That's honestly what this feels like to me. I think the "I'm such a bad friend" talk is her way of hoping that you'll agree someday soon and stop calling her. Or maybe she's just overwhelmed with life right now, and feels like at least if she gets caught up at church, then it's not so bad because it's church, you know? I don't think it's right, but it might be a way of deflecting criticism in advance--like, you can't be too mad at someone who's volunteering at church, right? (pro tip: yes you can). Honestly, it could be a number of things. This doesn't necessarily mean she likes god more than she likes you, but PPs have it right--the only way to know is to ask her. Maybe everything isn't okay and she would love you to ask. Maybe she's been dying to spend real quality time with you because something is going on but she feels like until your wedding is over she should keep it light and not "ruin" things with her own issues (again, not that she would be, but people do get wary of "bothering" brides). Any number of things could be going on. You'll have to decide whether to wait till after the wedding, of course. I think I would--then it won't be quite as fraught to say, "Hey, you know what? You actually haven't been the best friend lately, now that you mention it. Is something going on?" If it's after the wedding maybe she'll feel less nervous to bring "it" up. Or you both might realize that the friendship has run its course, which would really be sad and is probably not something you want hanging over you before you get married. I'm sorry, this is tough. I hope that when you do get a chance to talk, things turn out. In the meantime, I think you just have to take what you've learned from her recent behavior and not count on her for anything at the moment. ETA paragraphs, who wants to bet they won't show up? >:(

Rebl90

KatieinBkln said:

I guess if she were my friend I would think that she was phasing me out because I didn't want to join her church. That's honestly what this feels like to me. I think the "I'm such a bad friend" talk is her way of hoping that you'll agree someday soon and stop calling her. Or maybe she's just overwhelmed with life right now, and feels like at least if she gets caught up at church, then it's not so bad because it's church, you know? I don't think it's right, but it might be a way of deflecting criticism in advance--like, you can't be too mad at someone who's volunteering at church, right? (pro tip: yes you can). Honestly, it could be a number of things. This doesn't necessarily mean she likes god more than she likes you, but PPs have it right--the only way to know is to ask her. Maybe everything isn't okay and she would love you to ask. Maybe she's been dying to spend real quality time with you because something is going on but she feels like until your wedding is over she should keep it light and not "ruin" things with her own issues (again, not that she would be, but people do get wary of "bothering" brides). Like I said, all we do is talk to her about her life and what's going on with it, she has told me about a great number of situations that have happened in her life so I have no reason to believe that there is something else she is keeping from me. I ask her what is going on in her life every time we talk, and I do so sincerely and genuinely, I can't do anything more than that.   Any number of things could be going on. You'll have to decide whether to wait till after the wedding, of course. I think I would--then it won't be quite as fraught to say, "Hey, you know what? You actually haven't been the best friend lately, now that you mention it. Is something going on?" If it's after the wedding maybe she'll feel less nervous to bring "it" up. Or you both might realize that the friendship has run its course, which would really be sad and is probably not something you want hanging over you before you get married. I'm sorry, this is tough. I hope that when you do get a chance to talk, things turn out. In the meantime, I think you just have to take what you've learned from her recent behavior and not count on her for anything at the moment. ETA paragraphs, who wants to bet they won't show up? >:(  Yeah, I told her today that with the wedding in less than two weeks I don't have any more time to hang out right now, which makes me sad because I made myself SO available and canceled plans with other people to try to make plans with her over the last month. What kills me is that I went out and got her a really special gift for being in the wedding, but unless things change I won't have a lengthy and heartfelt letter to go with it like I was planning.  I don't know what to say to someone who just isn't around.

KatieinBkln

"I have no reason to believe that there is something else she is keeping from me. I ask her what is going on in her life every time we talk, and I do so sincerely and genuinely, I can't do anything more than that."

Yeah, this is a bummer. And you're right, you can't do anything more than that--I definitely wasn't suggesting you're doing something wrong, here. SHE is doing things wrong. Lots of them. And it sucks because there's no way to fix it immediately and there's no good reason to "get to the bottom of it" right now this second, in case "the bottom of it" turns out to be REALLY shitty. I hope the best for you, honestly--but in the meantime I hope you can turn to other people in your life and lean on them a bit more instead of hoping for her to come around. It sounds like she's either unwilling or unable, but either way you still need people on your team, so I hope you take the opportunity to lean on them/cultivate those relationships a bit more until after your wedding (which will be wonderful and happy, hooray weddings!). 

KatieinBkln

Rebl90 said:

Emmy1493 said:

I would also add that you might just check and see if everything is okay with her. Flaking that much seems to be unusual for your friend, no? She might have stuff going on that she doesn't care to disclose. Even to a close friend.

No, it's not unusual for her as it has been her behavior for about a year now. I talk to her every week about what is going on in her life as that was my first instinct a few months ago, and it is all about her church and how involved she is. She had a fight with her parents at one point that caused her to move out for a few weeks, but she told me about it all the time and kept me updated almost daily and when I didn't hear from her I would check on her.

She is on Facebook and Instagram all the time and constantly posting pictures of having lunch/coffee/etc with other people (BTW, do other people do that? I've never taken a picture with someone that I was just having lunch with, lol). I know it's silly to get butt hurt over that, but really, I would much prefer it if she just didn't make plans with me and act like she wants to. What bothers me is the constant apologizing without any behavior change. I really feel like she is just too consumed with herself to stop and think about how her actions are affecting others.

Edited: I can't spell.

Shoot, I didn't see this. Yeah, your friend is acting like a punk. I'm sorry. Ignore her in the short term, and in the long term you might want to back away from this very uneven friendship.

Emmy1493

Rebl90 said:

Emmy1493 said:

I would also add that you might just check and see if everything is okay with her. Flaking that much seems to be unusual for your friend, no? She might have stuff going on that she doesn't care to disclose. Even to a close friend.

No, it's not unusual for her as it has been her behavior for about a year now. I talk to her every week about what is going on in her life as that was my first instinct a few months ago, and it is all about her church and how involved she is. She had a fight with her parents at one point that caused her to move out for a few weeks, but she told me about it all the time and kept me updated almost daily and when I didn't hear from her I would check on her.

She is on Facebook and Instagram all the time and constantly posting pictures of having lunch/coffee/etc with other people (BTW, do other people do that? I've never taken a picture with someone that I was just having lunch with, lol). I know it's silly to get butt hurt over that, but really, I would much prefer it if she just didn't make plans with me and act like she wants to. What bothers me is the constant apologizing without any behavior change. I really feel like she is just too consumed with herself to stop and think about how her actions are affecting others.

Edited: I can't spell.

SITB:

Hmmm. I would say to tell her how you feel next time she goes on about her being a bad friend. Sometimes, people just need a little calling out. Even if you love them. You don't just do that continuously to someone who you claim to be your close friend.More so if you, yourself, took time out to go somewhere to meet her..then her not showing up. Sorry, but I would be really upset. I might just be overly sensitive, but it gets annoying real quick. I hope that she isn't mad that you don't like her particular church. I know nothing of her, but do you think she is capable of being that absurd? If her behavior is nothing new, I would just let it run its course.

 If you really want to keep the relationship going, I would really call her and try to get it all out in a way that wont make her combative or defensive. Let her know that you are worried about losing contact, and how important she is to you. If she values your relationship at all, I do not see why she would object. At least if you talk to her, the ball will be in her court and you tried, ya know?

Rebl90

Update: We just had a conversation about how I was feeling hurt that she continues to cancel our plans at the last minute and she immediately became defensive and said she was just too busy to hang out with people very much. To which I replied that I had a hard time believing that when she's posting so many pictures and status updates about all the people she sees on a daily basis. She had no response to that. It was dead quiet for a good amount of time. Now I didn't bring it up to be vindictive, but I really feel like I'm being lied to all the time. The conversation ends with me reiterating that I'm feeling hurt and sad and that I hope she can spend some time thinking about what I had to say. 20 minutes later I get a text saying "I just won't be in the wedding since it is causing too much stress for you". I thought that was really random and out of the blue and told her that my hurt feelings had nothing to do with the wedding, but she continued to say that over and over again so obviously something is going on with her that she won't really tell me about. I really don't know what to say to her at this point.

KatieinBkln

Oh, honey. I am sorry. Honestly? It sounds like she stopped feeling it and didn't have the guts to say so or graciously end the friendship. All this "I'm such a bad friend!" and "I'll just drop out of the wedding at the very first inkling of something being wrong" is just NOT okay. But I don't think there's anything you can say. She has finally said with words what it looks like she had been saying with her actions: She doesn't value your friendship.

And I am so sorry. That is SHITTY and AWFUL and it isn't the way adult friendships are supposed to go. Do you have ice cream? And someone else to lean on? You handled this completely appropriately, in my view--you were hurt, told her as much, and firmly called her out when she tried to lie to you and make excuses. All of that tells me that you deserve much better friends than she has been of late. And I would bet that you already have many other friends who DO treat you better. Again, I'm sorry it went down this way, but I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you did what you could, and behaved with grace. 

APDSS22

Is her church really more of a cult?  It seems like she keeps making and breaking plans but the only time you can really see her is if you attend one of her church things.  I have a hard time believing that setting up chairs or whatever at the church was so engrossing she forgot she had plans with one of her best friends (at a time she set up).

Something else is going on.  If the wedding were further out I'd say give her some space to figure out her business before re-opening the wedding conversation.  With 2 weeks you can either accept that she won't be standing up with you or you can try to talk her around.  Since she's not listening right now maybe give it a day or two?  Hopefully even if she doesn't come around in time to be in your wedding she opens up about what she's got going on right now that she's not telling you about.  After all, the friendship is the most important thing.  (It's okay that you miss her and you'll miss having her stand up with you because of her actions though.)

Blergbot

This is really craptastic. So sorry she is treating you this way right before your wedding. It could be that she has her reasons or feels uncomfortable standing up with you since you've drifted apart, but it's on her for not being up front with you--especially if she has continued to unload all of her problems on you. I sincerely hope this doesn't put a damper on your wedding day!

Kauris

Nothing else to add, but all the hugs and comfort to you today!

wandajune6

I'm so sorry about all of this!

Something else is definitely happening. It isn't about you, it's about whatever is happening in her life. I'm also wondering about what kind of church she's involved with.

I'd probably respond by saying that you're sorry she feels that way and hope she changes her mind. Leave it at that.

jdluvr06

I'm sorry your friend is being like that. You handled it much better than I would have. At this point I wouldn't want her in the wedding and I wouldn't reach out again. The ball would be entirely on her court.

Rebl90

Thanks all, I swear this board has been the best resource during the planning process. @APDSS22 & @WandaJune6 - I would definitely think cult as well after what I've written about it, but what's crazy is that it's just your average, run of the mill protestant church. It's definitely a very large church, but I've known other people who attend and no others exhibit the same attachment issues I see in her behavior. After a few hours of thinking I still feel hurt that she would escalate to threatening to step down over the whole issue. I really think it was an action driven by immaturity and selfishness and with it so close to the wedding I just want to call her on it and tell her she can step down. I'll be out the money of a bouquet but I really feel like it would be worth it to not have that pressure and be uncomfortable that day. Still confused. Edited: Paragraph issues.

Emmy1493

I am so sorry hun! HUGS to you during this time.

It really sucks to lose touch with someone you considered your BFF. My BFF who was my MOH in our wedding almost dropped out too. Not because of a fight, but she was supposed to move closer to where H and I live and we were so excited that we could hang out more, etc. Then it didn't work out and she was saying how if I needed to find another MOH, she would understand as she thought I would want someone closer to me. I was like, no. That is NOT why I asked you to be MOH! lol. She was happy to still be in it, but I know that's kinda a different situation. But it stung when she said that. So I know it sucks. I would take time for yourself and just have you and FI time. 

Sad thing about growing up and apart from friends is that this just happens. Sometimes there isn't much you can do if the other isn't willing to meet you half way, ya know?

Emmy1493

Also, maybe she is a vampire? Think about it. When Bella turned into one, she kept skipping plans with her dad, etc. Maybe your blood is too sweet to resist?

Sorry, I joke, but something is up. And it definitely isn't anything with you. 

Rebl90

Final Update: She sent me more messages today asking if it would "be easier" if she "just wasn't in the wedding" so I finally told her that I would accept her stepping down and will miss her at the wedding but we can revisit the issue later. I let her know that the fact she would bring up not being in the wedding is what hurt me the most, and that I would have never thought of asking her to step down as that is such a drastic step for a small conflict. 

Honestly I am so relieved after all the tension I've been experiencing over the last 24 hours.  It sucks and I'm in a little bit of shock and dealing with sadness but it's a part of life, and I promise I won't try to find someone to replace her because I'm not a special snowflake. 

Kauris

At least it is resolved now, it still stinks, but that is really on her, not you. I really hope the next week and 5 days you have until your wedding go smoothly and that you have a wonderful wedding day!

beethery

Less shenanigans to deal with @Rebl90. You will be happier not worrying about that situation.

Rebl90

You ladies are awesome, that's all.