MOH told me I was not grateful because I was trying to help!

waverunner2014

I have been included in the planning of my bachelorette party since I got engaged. Recently I told my MOH that I could not find cheap tickets to where my bachelorette party is going to be and suggested doing something closer to home. She responded by telling me I was ungrateful. Months ago I received a similar response after a similar conversation. I honestly feel like she was out of line since I have been involved since the beginning and did not pick the place for the bachelorette party because I initially thought it would be too expensive because I am having a destination wedding. I also got additional messages stating I was stressing her out and pissing her off with all of my messages. Most of my messages consisted of updates of rooms, and flights I was able to work deals out for the entire bridal party to try and cut out of pocket expenses for the wedding. I have not been flooding everyone's messages with random things. I have sent messages every few weeks to let them know what I found to save them money while at the wedding. I also feel that she has not been as involved in the entire process but did not say anything about that until after I was told I was ungrateful. I truly don't want anyone in my wedding party that feels that way since that is not how I have been acting. In my eyes ungrateful would be "hey we planned this" and my response would be something like "that's not good enough". The wedding is a couple weeks out so I don't want to tell her I don't want her to be in my wedding but I don't want her as my MOH. Any suggestions?? I haven't talked to her since calling me ungrateful and don't plan on calling her until I get the apology I feel I deserve.

vsgal

You are the one that is out of line.  You should not be planning any part your own bachelorette party.  Period.  She has offered to plan it.  Let her do it.  Leave her alone.

As far as the numerous emails about expenses, again you are micromanaging.  All she needs to know is the date of the wedding and the location.  She can find cost-cutters on her own.  It can be very annoying to be inundated with wedding emails.  Some people are not that into weddings.  Some people are very capable of getting to the church on time.  They do not need hand holding to save a couple of bucks. You are micromanaging their finances.

Have you talked to her about other things besides your wedding?  If you are talking about it all the time and sending messages, you are the insensitive one. You need to apologize to her for micromanaging her.  

If you demote her or kick her out of your wedding, it is a friendship ending move.  Is that what you want?

MairePoppy

You should back off and let your MOH handle the arrangements. I appreciate that you're trying to save everyone money, but has it occurred to you that you might be undermining things that are already in the works? It sounds like your MOH is frustrated. 

I'll assume you asked your closest friend to be your MOH. There is no way to  fire her from your wedding party without seriously damaging your relationship.

waverunner2014 said:

I have been included in the planning of my bachelorette party since I got engaged. Recently I told my MOH that I could not find cheap tickets to where my bachelorette party is going to be and suggested doing something closer to home. She responded by telling me I was ungrateful. Months ago I received a similar response after a similar conversation. I honestly feel like she was out of line since I have been involved since the beginning and did not pick the place for the bachelorette party because I initially thought it would be too expensive because I am having a destination wedding. I also got additional messages stating I was stressing her out and pissing her off with all of my messages. Most of my messages consisted of updates of rooms, and flights I was able to work deals out for the entire bridal party to try and cut out of pocket expenses for the wedding. I have not been flooding everyone's messages with random things. I have sent messages every few weeks to let them know what I found to save them money while at the wedding. I also feel that she has not been as involved in the entire process but did not say anything about that until after I was told I was ungrateful. I truly don't want anyone in my wedding party that feels that way since that is not how I have been acting. In my eyes ungrateful would be "hey we planned this" and my response would be something like "that's not good enough". The wedding is a couple weeks out so I don't want to tell her I don't want her to be in my wedding but I don't want her as my MOH. Any suggestions?? I haven't talked to her since calling me ungrateful and don't plan on calling her until I get the apology I feel I deserve.

Rebl90

This is why brides should not be involved in planning their own bachelorette party.  I get it, sometimes it's hard to give up control of something when you care about it, but you are causing the problems.  Let your MOH handle it, apologize for butting in, and make sure she knows how much you appreciate her effort. 

ShesSoCold

I agree with PPs. I get that you're coming from a good place, but you're in the wrong here. A bachelorette is a party thrown by someone else, in honor of you. 

Think about it like this - You told me that you wanted to have a birthday party for me at your house. I tell you how excited I am and then send you numerous emails - "if you order Italian beefs, it could be cheaper than pasta trays". "You should look at Michael's for the table linens". "OMG HAAAY WalMart has a sale on balloons! You could save 78 cents by getting your ass over there ASAP! Call meee!" "Remember when I said you should get the beefs? I was wrong. Douchenozzle Dave's has a taco buffet for super cheap! Let me know!".

Maybe you didn't send so many emails or word them like that, but your good intentions are being received as micromanagement and probably as though you don't think they can plan a party good enough. Again, not your intention, but most likely the way it sounds to them.

I think you owe your friend an apology, dinner and an evening of NOT talking about the wedding or bachelorette - just chatting with your (presumably, since she;s your MOH) BFF like you used to before the wedding got so close.

waverunner2014

When my fiancé and I chose our bridal party a year and a half ago. I gave all of them the information about hotels and airports to fly into. I am getting married in a small town in FL, the closest airport being an hour and a half to two hours away from the city we are getting married in. There are two hotels close to the reception one being very crappy and the other being really nice. The nice one is family owned and has twelve rooms. That hotel would be completely booked by guests. I mentioned that my father lives in condos in the same area and could possibly get a couple for the weekend. When I mentioned that the entire bridal party MOH included decided to go with that option. I have relayed one message about those condos to the entire party in the past year and a half. Yes I have been asked multiple times by everyone in the party on updates but those messages were responses to their individual questions. As far as the bachelorette party I was asked by the MOH to and other bridesmaids multiple times for assistance and before the "ungreteful" comment made by the MOH for the second time all info given was appreciated. But I did not inindate anyone's inbox with multiple messages. I also have not only spoke of the wedding with my MOH we have had a few wedding free nights that is if she hasn't completely ditched me without as much as a "I know we had plans but I can't make it". I think most of you are thinking I'm some "micromanaging" bridezilla but that is not the case. My wedding is small and I am not obsessed with it being perfect. As far as the bachelorette party I told her I didn't want to do Vegas because it would be pricy for everyone involved and in return I get called ungrateful before it is planned and then have the fact that my wedding is a destination wedding and costs a lot thrown in my face. Not to mention everyone going to the party gives her money, thinks their tickets are booked and then finds out their not. Don't ask for my help and then when I say I can't find anything call me ungrateful because I say let's do something closer. And yes sat one point she was a close friend but I chose as my MOH even after feeling like we had grown apart because I felt obligated to and didn't want to start an argument so much for that one.

ShesSoCold

waverunner2014 said:

When my fiancé and I chose our bridal party a year and a half ago. I gave all of them the information about hotels and airports to fly into. I am getting married in a small town in FL, the closest airport being an hour and a half to two hours away from the city we are getting married in. There are two hotels close to the reception one being very crappy and the other being really nice. The nice one is family owned and has twelve rooms. That hotel would be completely booked by guests. I mentioned that my father lives in condos in the same area and could possibly get a couple for the weekend. When I mentioned that the entire bridal party MOH included decided to go with that option. I have relayed one message about those condos to the entire party in the past year and a half. Yes I have been asked multiple times by everyone in the party on updates but those messages were responses to their individual questions. As far as the bachelorette party I was asked by the MOH to and other bridesmaids multiple times for assistance and before the "ungreteful" comment made by the MOH for the second time all info given was appreciated. But I did not inindate anyone's inbox with multiple messages. I also have not only spoke of the wedding with my MOH we have had a few wedding free nights that is if she hasn't completely ditched me without as much as a "I know we had plans but I can't make it". I think most of you are thinking I'm some "micromanaging" bridezilla but that is not the case. My wedding is small and I am not obsessed with it being perfect. As far as the bachelorette party I told her I didn't want to do Vegas because it would be pricy for everyone involved and in return I get called ungrateful before it is planned and then have the fact that my wedding is a destination wedding and costs a lot thrown in my face. Not to mention everyone going to the party gives her money, thinks their tickets are booked and then finds out their not. Don't ask for my help and then when I say I can't find anything call me ungrateful because I say let's do something closer. And yes sat one point she was a close friend but I chose as my MOH even after feeling like we had grown apart because I felt obligated to and didn't want to start an argument so much for that one.

Oh. From your OP it sounded like the emails being sent were regarding the bachelorette, not the wedding itself.

Either way, I do think you should apologize to her and let her know just how grateful you are that she's willing to host anything - whether it be a walk to get ice cream cones or a chartered jet to Italy. And if she's still planning a bachelorette, stay out of the planning and show up smiling wherever she tells you to be and when.

Edited for typo. I know what your original post said, not your probation officer.

waverunner2014

After reviewing some of the other comments I noticed that all of you think I am sending petty messages about saving ten cents here and there. I was told by my MOH to look up tickets to Vegas or anywhere else I might want to go for the party and let her know what I found. I simply said I looked didn't find anything in our budget, inform the girls that already think they have a ticket to Vegas and do something closer that fits our budget. One message with a response of you're ungrateful.

waverunner2014

It's hard to apologize to someone who call you ungrateful after asking for your help! Especially when I feel that she has put most if not all my wedding stuff on the back burner. MOH didn't even show up to try on bridesmaids dress after saying she was going to be there. I guess there has been way too many incidents with her that leads up to my decision of needing an apology from her before I move forward

MairePoppy

No one called you a bridezilla.

If she has taken money from the guests and not followed through on buying tickets, WOW, I guess I can see why you're worked up about that.  Did they ask for their money back? 

waverunner2014

They were pretty shocked to find out that over a week after forking up the money tickets still we're not bought. Not to sure of there conversations with her just know what was brought to my attention. She asked me to pitch in and I did......I asked for mine back.

MairePoppy

If nothing is booked, you should urge her to give the women back their money. I'm sorry you're dealing with this two weeks before your wedding.

Rebl90

waverunner2014 said:

After reviewing some of the other comments I noticed that all of you think I am sending petty messages about saving ten cents here and there. I was told by my MOH to look up tickets to Vegas or anywhere else I might want to go for the party and let her know what I found. I simply said I looked didn't find anything in our budget, inform the girls that already think they have a ticket to Vegas and do something closer that fits our budget. One message with a response of you're ungrateful.

waverunner2014 said:

It's hard to apologize to someone who call you ungrateful after asking for your help! Especially when I feel that she has put most if not all my wedding stuff on the back burner. MOH didn't even show up to try on bridesmaids dress after saying she was going to be there. I guess there has been way too many incidents with her that leads up to my decision of needing an apology from her before I move forward

waverunner2014 said:

They were pretty shocked to find out that over a week after forking up the money tickets still we're not bought. Not to sure of there conversations with her just know what was brought to my attention. She asked me to pitch in and I did......I asked for mine back.

Personally, I really think that none of this matches up with your OP.  I highly doubt one message of "help" would cause a reaction like that.More bits and pieces of the story are coming out and usualy that means you didn't give the full truth from the beginning.  Bottom line is that you should not be involved with planning your bachelorette party, at all. You have a say if the event/ideas make you uncomfortable, but it stops there.

waverunner2014

And if she felt that way then she should have never asked for my help. In my OP I was just giving a brief description of what happened at the time of the messages from her. And yes I did not state that I was asked for help but I was. I probably should have went into more detail but I decided to do so after so many responses made it seem like I was butting in which is not the case. Again I was asked to help, by not only her but my other bridesmaids as well. As I reflect on my feelings while responding to these posts I am only getting more frustrated by her lack of support throughout this whole wedding planning process and everything that goes with it. I truly don't feel that I was in the wrong by doing what was asked of me as well as assisting with accommodations when it comes to the wedding that everyone agreed on. I do appreciate everyone's input but now I think it would take me posting a novel of the events that have happened since making her my maid of honor for anyone to get the full story. My other bridesmaids and groomsmen have seen it all or at least have seen her attitude enough to know exactly how I am feeling. I don't plan on firing her but I don't know if MOH should be her title since my other bridesmaids have been there so much more and don't harbor the same feelings about me as she does

BreMR

I think it's odd when someone posts something initially and then doesn't get the responses they want so they add more to the story to justify their behavior...

However, I think the previous posters are right, if there is an easy way for you to just apologize for coming across as ungrateful and it not being your intention and step back from the planning.  I know you say you shouldn't apologize when you don't feel like you've done anything that shows you are ungrateful, but you are obviously good friends with this girl and you should give her the benefit of the doubt that she's feeling a certain way for a reason.  Maybe it is irrational, but I think you should give your friend a pass since she is trying to do something nice for you.

BreMR

Also, if you want to keep any friendship with this girl, I would think you do not remove the title of made of honor.  That's a really awkward situation for any friendship to overcome.

JCbride2015

waverunner2014 said:

And if she felt that way then she should have never asked for my help. In my OP I was just giving a brief description of what happened at the time of the messages from her. And yes I did not state that I was asked for help but I was. I probably should have went into more detail but I decided to do so after so many responses made it seem like I was butting in which is not the case. Again I was asked to help, by not only her but my other bridesmaids as well. As I reflect on my feelings while responding to these posts I am only getting more frustrated by her lack of support throughout this whole wedding planning process and everything that goes with it. I truly don't feel that I was in the wrong by doing what was asked of me as well as assisting with accommodations when it comes to the wedding that everyone agreed on. I do appreciate everyone's input but now I think it would take me posting a novel of the events that have happened since making her my maid of honor for anyone to get the full story. My other bridesmaids and groomsmen have seen it all or at least have seen her attitude enough to know exactly how I am feeling. I don't plan on firing her but I don't know if MOH should be her title since my other bridesmaids have been there so much more and don't harbor the same feelings about me as she does

It seems like there's been miscommunication on both sides here.  Yes, I understand you were asked for input, but it seems like it's gone too far.  You need to completely step out of all bachelorette party plans.  It doesn't sound like she's stealing money, just like it took her longer to buy the tickets-- yes if she steals money from you and the other BMs, that friendship is probably over.  But I don't think you're there yet.

You sound really worked up and stressed out.  I can only imagine that if MOH is getting a lot of emails and calls from you in the same tone you're posting here, it would also be stressful for her.

DO NOT ask her to step down as MOH but remain a BM.  This would end your friendship, whether you want it to or not.  That is a horrible, awkward thing to do to a friend.  And then what-- are you thinking of replacing her as MOH with someone else?  Then that person will feel awkward too, because now they know they are your "backup" choice.

Just stay out of the bach planning and get through to the wedding.  If there are friendship issues, they'll either work themselves out or they won't.  But kicking her out as MOH is a shitty way to end the friendship.

ShesSoCold

Stuck in a box. even though I'm not quoting anyone...

Anyway, regardless of the help she asked you for with the bachelorette, I want to respond you you saying that she's not helping you enough or "supporting" you enough. It is not her job to help you with your wedding. Sure, it's nice to get help if offered, but the only things she's obligated to do for you is to buy a dress, wear it and stand for your ceremony. You said that your wedding is on her back burner - it should be! It's not her life. I would imagine she has her own things going on and doesn't wake up every morning worried about your florist or if the DJ cashed your deposit check. Not her problem. You even used the word "firing" her. Did you actually hire her? Are you paying for services that she's not performing? If you're expecting so much out of her, maybe you should. Maybe you should have had an interview process to see who would meet your MOH expectations.

Your wedding should be a happy time and people shouldn't need support during a happy time. I support my friends when their dog dies or they lost their job. I don't offer support when they graduate from college or buy a home. Just doesn't make sense. 

I also agree with PP that your OP and your follow-up posts don't match up. Whatever you're doing or not doing, you need to apologize if you want to save this friendship. If you're okay with letting one day of your lives ruin friendships, let it go. Or "fire" her. 

KatieinBkln

OP, I think you're getting caught up in the Actual when what's really at stake here is the Emotional. Your friend asked for your help, you gave it, and she got pissed! WTF, right? But that isn't why she's mad, and it isn't why people here think you should apologize. What seems to be happening here is that your style of planning and your MOH's style of planning aren't meshing. You tried to be helpful and she chafed at it--to the point where she accused you of being ungrateful. Which is shitty, I agree. 

But like it or not, she's frustrated and annoyed, and you were the cause of it. I'm not saying it's right, or fair, but if you value your friendship with her (or hell, if you value a peaceful wedding without bridesmaid drama!) you should be able to say, "I am so sorry that our wires are crossing. I was trying to be helpful and I thought I was helping, but based on your response I can see that I only stressed you out. How about I step aside from bachelorette planning? I really AM grateful for you, and I'm so sorry if anything I said made you feel like I'm taking you for granted."

Do you see how you can be sorry about how she's feeling, and for your role in it, without necessarily being sorry for actually doing what she asked? Listen, I get that you're actually pretty annoyed with her, and you probably want her to apologize first. I don't blame you; that's natural. But I think if you recognize her feelings and apologize for hurting them (intentionally or not), chances are she will stop being defensive too, and give you her own apology. 

vsgal

Just be the bigger person and apologize. She is trying to do something nice for you. There are some details being left out. Most of the time, when complaining about someone's behavior, posters will leave out or diminish their role in the problem. Or hype up the other person's actions. I find it hard to believe that she would flip out after one email in 18 months.

vsgal

Not to mention, you cannot diminish how she feels. She feels that you are being ungrateful. Nothing that you say here will change that. You can't change how she sees the situation. The only thing that will fix the problem in her eyes is for you to apologize and let her do her thing with you not involved in a task that you should not be involved in.

MairePoppy

The problem you opened with is that you want to fire your MOH because she called you ungrateful and. she hasn't helped you with anything.Those would be petty reasons to end a friendship, so I think there has to be more to that story. By the way, it's not the MOHs job to help plan your wedding.

In your follow up post, you mention that MOH took money from your other friends and didn't follow through on booking (airline?) tickets for them, as promised. TBH, I would think that you would be more concerned about your MOH taking money under false pretenses or perhaps she just isn't organized enough to make the arrangements. 

While I believe that the MOH asked you for opinions, I do think you overstepped on the bp planning.

Emmy1493

KatieinBkln said:

OP, I think you're getting caught up in the Actual when what's really at stake here is the Emotional. Your friend asked for your help, you gave it, and she got pissed! WTF, right? But that isn't why she's mad, and it isn't why people here think you should apologize. What seems to be happening here is that your style of planning and your MOH's style of planning aren't meshing. You tried to be helpful and she chafed at it--to the point where she accused you of being ungrateful. Which is shitty, I agree. 

But like it or not, she's frustrated and annoyed, and you were the cause of it. I'm not saying it's right, or fair, but if you value your friendship with her (or hell, if you value a peaceful wedding without bridesmaid drama!) you should be able to say, "I am so sorry that our wires are crossing. I was trying to be helpful and I thought I was helping, but based on your response I can see that I only stressed you out. How about I step aside from bachelorette planning? I really AM grateful for you, and I'm so sorry if anything I said made you feel like I'm taking you for granted."

Do you see how you can be sorry about how she's feeling, and for your role in it, without necessarily being sorry for actually doing what she asked? Listen, I get that you're actually pretty annoyed with her, and you probably want her to apologize first. I don't blame you; that's natural. But I think if you recognize her feelings and apologize for hurting them (intentionally or not), chances are she will stop being defensive too, and give you her own apology. 

This advice is rock solid, OP. If you truly value this friendship, you really should take advice given here. We have all been through wedding planning, and it can get frustrating at times. But you might sit back and analyze this all. Are you prepared to lose a good friend by demoting, or kicking her out? Because more than likely, the friendship will be done. So if that doesn't bother you, then by all means, do so. But realize you were warned and like @HisGirlFriday says, "Actions have consequences." 

waverunner2014

KatieinBkin your post was right on. Part of me does see where she is coming from and have expressed that to her and asked her to look at it my way as well. She has been that friend who thinks she is right no matter what and if I were to apologize for how she is feeling in her eyes I might as well admit that I was wrong. After everyones input I don't feel that my actions were wrong. She asked for help I did, She said look other places to go, I did. I understand that planning a bachelorette party could be stressful and there are other bridesmaids she could have asked for help but she did not. I have been the middle man between her and everyone else. We have had two arguments in our entire friendship and I have been the one to apologize both times whether it has been my fault or not. In our friendship she has never been able to see the point of views of others and I feel that this is the last straw. I don't plan on replacing her and I wont fire her but I know that after this wedding our friendship will never be the same. I thought the wedding would bring us closer the way we used to be but after everything I have felt throughout this whole wedding experience and what she has expressed to me I now know that we will only grow further apart.

*side note I did see a response that said she is not obligated to help with planning and you are right. But it is pretty disappointing when you MOH says hey I'm going to come over to look at bridesmaid dresses or meet you to try them on and you don't get a call, text message or anything saying that they are NOT coming. Then you get a call or text a week later like nothing happened.